Add Two Shots of Espresso.

This is the life of a 30 (oh, god) year old anxiety suffering, caffeine addict. I'm also in a constant stage of needing to catch a break. Dad committed suicide in 2019-I talk about it sometimes.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

Ok I need this whole waking up at 10 or 11 to fucking stop.

However the new job is giving some stress so that could be why…? And I did at some point say the first week would be rough and potentially lead to skipping the gym all week. Not happy about it as it turns out but much needed.

I took it far too early the past few nights so if I take it per normal around 6 I should be ok. I thought I did that yesterday actually.

I don’t need to leave til 5:45 but 5:30 has been nicer like I thought it would so I think I’ll be leaving here in 20 minutes to do just that, again.

I found my blender bottom and my blender shaker cup yesterday in my trunk 😅🙄 so had those with me all along. They’re in my backpack ready to be used and they will be. I may not be working out the past few days but I’m doing very good on the scale and food hasn’t been great (choices are fine just not eating a lot due to not having a lot of time).

It’s only been 2 days. I’m fine. But now I see the stress 😅🤣🙃

Fix these bangs and get outta here.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

Day 2 of the new job

Is going well. I just ate lunch and it’s only 11:06. Apparently I don’t have my blender bottom?????? I know it’s at home I’ve seen it the past few days but now I can’t think of where. I’ll be hunting for it tonight. I can’t locate my blender bottle for work and I have no idea where that could be but I know it’s not left at my old job. Nothing was left behind.

Ordering supplies is too easy but there’s a lot of information to learn and apparently the organization isn’t great and no it’s not. I had a lot of HR videos to do since it’s a new job, so that took most of my morning while boss man did his stuff. I have 2 things left and I’ll be done. I’ll try to finish today.

Everyone is nice but they’re on edge with this site completely closing and there’s NO talk about job security so they’re all riding it out and if they get fired then that’s on the company. And many have gone on and found something new.

I order everything needed except office supplies and breakroom stock which is what I ordered at my last job so that’s kinda funny.

I have my own “office” which is already handy because the breakroom is slightly awkward to be in but I refuse to eat in my office except breakfast and the protein shakes because I get here too close to clock in time (except today) that I refuse to eat off the clock 🤷🏼‍♀️. In my next location in 5 months I can readjust depending on things. I am LOVING getting off at 2:30-3. My normal clock in will be 630-3 like next week. I managed to leave me house at 5:22!!!! I couldn’t believe it. I got in my office AT 6. Fucking holy hell. But I skipped gym and it’s not hair wash day so those helped lol.

The drive here is fast. The drive home will be exactly the same.

Boss man had to leave for the other location and he will be gone an hour or two and I have nothing to do. I could walk around and learn the rooms but honestly that feels awkward. And boss man wants to do that stuff together and as I get more familiar then I can wander. So free money right now til he’s back.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

I woke up at 11:00 last night to go to the bathroom. Guess who never fell back asleep? I napped. I will say that. I fell asleep briefly after 2:30 when my gym alarm went off and I debated on going but I felt like I could genuinely sleep and I did. My 4:00 go home from the gym went off and my 4:15 is what made me really wake up. It’s now 4:31 and I need to shower but luckily I don’t need to do my hair. I do need to pack some protein stuff and blenders and get back with it on that stuff.

I’m tired but I’m better than yesterday, I think?

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

First day of the new job:

First of all. M texted me this morning and no I’m not kidding.

M: you up?

Me 20 minutes later: yeah

M: working out?

Me: no

M: oh you over the gym life?

Ignored him because I’m getting ready for work and I have no idea what the fuck he wants or where this is gonna go after 5 1/2 months of silence.

M: either way doesn’t matter, want to do some cardio together?

Me: can’t. Getting ready for work

M: damn. That’s a shame

Excuse me. Excusssssseeeee meeeeeee??? I’m sorry. I didn’t even get a happy birthday from you on my birthday 2 weeks after you suddenly have a girlfriend. And it’s been silence since you got a gf. And you didn’t reach out. Or tell me before you got a gf that you were wanting to get and date OR THAT YOU WERE LIKING SOMEONE.

If you’re wondering why did I even respond. Because I had a big gut feeling that’s how the convo was gonna go. I was curious. That’s it. That’s why.

And I feel nothing. Not annoyed. Not even hurt. I’m more thinking “who the fuck do you think you are!?!”THE FUCK?!?

I knew where I stood months ago. This isn’t a reconfirmation of what I already knew. It’s just…..nothing? Idk. I’m going about my life. I know what I mean to him and I would rather have people in my life that cares and reaches out. Clearly not M. I mean I should have known all these years but I was so not ok over my dad’s suicide and figuring out who M was and…no thanks.

As for the job:

I met way too many people. I am exhausted. I was off at 2:35 when I’m supposed to be off at 3. I’m exhausted. And as for traffic, there was a lot less but in the ONE spot where it’s stupid, it’s still stupid. So I need to just take the exit over the bridge that I’ve been own custom to and just deal with it. It’s not that bad even though there are more lights 😅 but either that or sit in traffic for god knows how long.

Anyways. I have a very small organized understanding of my job. And the building I will be working in that’s shutting down…those people are clearing out and quitting so fast. Can’t blame them. I have guaranteed job security at the hospital and let me tell ya, that place is fucking insanity. I’ll start at the building I’m assigned. Tomorrow is my first official day of learning how to order stuff. I don’t know what else I’m expected to do 🤣😅 but there’s a lot of broken systems because they’re so busy. Broken systems meaning we’re out of stock on something we ordered 2 months ago when we were slowly running out and the person was supposed to contact the rep and ask for and ETA or a product like it. Didn’t happen.

There’s a lot of people half assing their jobs and my supervisor needs some help facilitating that (part of my job).

I am one of them but I am favored because they Hope to promote me in a few months. PROBABLY the supervisory position. Which is fine and dandy but I want a higher job. He knows. And I got the hint that there’s more coming my way and everyone kinda knows this bitch ain’t one of us but she’s gonna help him facilitate some order around here.

No pressure.

My lunch stayed in my car and therefore is completely ruined and I’m actually VERY unhappy about it. There wasn’t a proper time to go back to my car and get it. He bought me lunch because he knew. Appreciated.

I get my own office in my location. When I move to the hospital he isn’t sure where I will go as every stinking office is taken and he’s not too sure he wants me where everyone else is. That’s a problem for him and higher to work on. The talk is they will close in November instead of January due to so many staff quitting.

I’m fucking exhausted. I’m glad it’s almost 4, but I can’t take my meds til 5:30 earliest.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

It’s exactly 1:30 AM. My mom called me at 10:30 because she smelled smoke and wanted to know if I was burning food. Nope. She said ok she will check it out, then nothing.

I cannot fall back asleep. I am not tired but I feel like I could use a nap.

I am one of those bodies that doesn’t shut down/nap.

I want to sleep. Or do I go to the gym in an hour because I’m awake so fuck it.

God damn it.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

My right thumb will be cleaned up after the shower tomorrow morning. Or I’ll do it tonight if I can’t stand it.

Went with a basic boring pink, I absolutely adore this color and I’ll be wearing a quarter sleeve floral maroon shirt that has this color of flowers on it so it’ll look nice. The last three weeks I’ve had a lot of weird air bubbles and texture issues. I think it’s my peel off base coat sticking around. I’ve also been picking up horrible fibers off the alcohol wipes. I think those ones are from work I stole or Amazon. Couldn’t tell ya. But I gotta stop using them. I got lucky this time by filing off the lumps that appeared after the first coat and managed to do a decent job with the second and top coats.

There’s som pooling on my right hand more than I thought. Time to cut those off.

I have a bunch of food for tomorrow but I have no clue what to expect. I do plan on bringing my food with me. I’m debating on going to the gym in the morning. I like Mondays off and I am sore, but I’ll leave it to however time I wake up. And I plan on getting in the shower for sure by 4:30. It gives me one hour to get ready. Maybe 4:15 😅😅

Mom made my breakfast for the week. I think the egg muffin with a toasted English muffin and some cottage cheese or yogurt will be good.

And maybe bring my blenders with me for a mid morning protein hit? I want to settle in and find what I can do to have stuff at work if I can. If I can’t I’ll adjust a lot to eating in the car if I have to. I doubt it, but you never know.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

It’s 10:16 AM and I’m figuring out how to use my Ninja air fryer I bought for $40 at the thrift store nearly 2 years ago and I don’t think it’s ever been used. And I’m not sure I like it 😅🙃

Different settings and all. Idk. Definitely will take different foods and many attempts.

Bought RealGood chicken since a few people I follow on here like then a lot. First bites were ok. Probably should have gone with the oven first. Maybe the flavor is off because the air fryer is giving off smells and flavors of “new” ya know the smell ya know the taste. Texture is weird. So reheating on extra crispy setting for 10 minutes but I think I’ll stop at 5.

It’s only 10 fucking AM. I’ve already done a bit. This is why I love waking up so fucking early.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

It’s 4:52 Sunday and I am over having a job that sucks so much energy out of me that I spend all Saturday lying around either on the couch or in bed absolutely fucking exhausted. And yesterday I felt a great weight lifted. But the energy to do anything but eat 2 (or was it 3?) ice cream sandwiches. And then a chicken sandwich which wasn’t bad but I needed more food between lying around.

I thought today was Monday. Felt like it, still does. However, it’s not and I am feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed and feeling like I can do something today. Which is why today felt like Saturday when I got home from the gym 😅🤣🙄🤷🏼‍♀️.

The grocery store opens at 6. I will be there buying milk, maybe watermelon, maybe cottage cheese if there is any, some cheese. Don’t really need anything else.

Do need to go get the cups out of my work car and give them a good wash….its worse than you think but now that you know that it’s not THAT gross. Do need to take the desk glass out of the car and put it in its right box. Do need to decide which backpack to make my work bag. Go back to my smaller one or keep using this ginormous travel carry on one? I think the small one will be fine. All I use them for are vitamins basically 😅🙄. the travel big one helped emptying out my entire kitchen cabinet at work.

Anyways. I’m relieved to not have to go back there. I am very confused as to where the fuck I’m supposed to meet my new supervisor. He said “receiving dock” the only “dock” on the maps online is “loading dock”. I’m absolutely type A when it comes to information and planning and controlling and communication. So this is driving me bonkers not knowing. And this hospital campus is so fucking big it takes up 2 city blocks across the street from each other and then it has buildings across the street on the sides of those buildings!! AND THEN!!!!! There’s more buildings 3 blocks away which is where I will be!! If I’m looking at that map correctly. Which ain’t hard.

One hour til the grocery store opens. And I’m hungry.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

I awoke at 3:34 this morning. No alarms.

Then it dawned on me that I need to unpack the holy fuck of my car, and being in the stuff in the garage that is work related. I think I can put it all in one box, we have one extra large box, but there’s a few plastic containers too. The most important stuff is my mouse, keyboard and writing stuff I use. I’ll bring those on day one and keep them in my car. My immediate stuff to take notes with will be in my backpack in case I get the chance to settle in and work and begin taking notes.

Today that’s the plan. I have enough food and no money so no groceries needed lmao. I did some cleaning Wednesday but tidying up could still be done. I won’t though. Not a whole lot. Next weekend is a 3 day weekend. I won’t be leaving the house due to the chaos (or rather I will because everyone will be out of town and I’ll run errands but it’s 3 days to work on this place).

Idk. I’m still on my last “normal” weekend. Winding down off work and trying to balance distressing from it and goi into the next weekend. Except now I go into a different job where I get off between 2:30-3:00. Which means every night I have time to do chores. Clean up a little. Relax a little and pick up after myself. Thankfully I’m not the type to need a lot of doctors appointments or appointments in general. I haven’t had my hair done since the last week of 2024. But that’s due to money. And I would rather pay that $180 or more to the irs until they’re paid off. Which I need to crack down on. Each paycheck, not once a month.

I know this weekend is still that mindset that I’m used to every weekend so I really am trying to relax and wind down from the work week but also let it all go since it’s no longer my job. And I relaxed a lot the last two days at work since it became very real to not involve myself in things. People kept going to other to ask for things. People were also avoiding talking to each other as to not have things be brought up because the person who would have handled fixing it (me) won’t be there.

What’s interesting is the more time off I have had the last 3 months the more issues I was coming back into and the more messes there were to clean up. The less help I kept having.

It will be interesting to hear how things happen. I don’t think my manager realized how often I was talking to patients and handling issues. Phone and checkout girls didn’t do that. It’s not their job. New check in staff do bare minimum and since they haven’t been here long I wasn’t going to teach them more in my last two weeks.

Anyways. Off to relaxing even thought old clinical lead is messaging me since 6:30.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

Now that the day is done and I am home.

I am relieved.

I will miss some people. But I am relieved to be done with working there. And I don’t quite think that I will ever recover from the last 2 1/2 years mentally and emotionally.

But the end of working here is the final stamp.

Done with J, Bestie, M, and this job. The 4 things that have been stressful and somehow getting worse when work and friendships should be getting better or positively stagnant. I knew 2026 would be the year I finally leave this job. Everything happens for a reason. I am a believer in that. And I’m getting the perfect opportunity to be a part of healthcare away from patients. I’m “in” the club where I can stay away from patients and always have it as a starter pack (impressive in the healthcare job to have come from that and grow away from it - this is HUGE on paper and skills). This job is perfect because my supervisor is respected and already shows he cares. This job is perfect because I will be working 630-3!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding??!!???? I’m hoping my office area has windows. If it does I am GOLD.

It sucks. It sucks for the people that I grew close with. That helped me. But, a lot of these people were part of the problem, they just put that attention to manager but I also earned their respect because I grew and improved and had their backs, and I know that. I won’t forget the disrespect. Mistreatment. But I am better at many things because of it. I truly feel like I am done working in a place that I have to say “I survived working there”. But I can’t say it aloud.

I believe manager will step up. But nobody likes her style. I also won’t be surprised if she doesn’t. And that’s all I can say about her. Oh, and fuck you you dumb lazy bitch who acts 17 still.

Ugh.

ON TO MY WEEKEND. Where I need to empty my car of the fuck ton of stuff (I am shocked at how many trips I had to keep taking today when I swore I only had one trip left!! Didn’t realize how much dry food and fridge food and containers of shit had everywhere 🤣😅🙃.

What a weekend of unpacking I’ve got ahead of me.

Killed it with the arms this morning at the gym. I’m willing to skip gym tomorrow but if I’m awake I’ll keep it simple and go on the treadmill. Then go hard Sunday. I think I’ll skip gym Monday to better my chances of being on time for work or something. But if my brain decides it’s time to wake up then that’s that too lmfao.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

WHAT A DAY!!!!

SO much fucking food was bought and brought in by everyone.

I had patients make sure they came in for their appointment to say goodbye to me.

“Work crush” showed up for a patient and was SO thrilled and relaxed when he saw me and asked “it’s today right?”. He knows EXACTLY where I will be and he is going to find me 🤣🤣🤣. We gave each other a huge long hug and a couple people said “oh” or “ok then” it wasn’t inappropriate long but it wasn’t a quick hug 🤣🤣. He told me when I settle in in the first or second week to text him because he’s on the campus every day at some point so it will be easy to come say hi. Damn shame he’s engaged! Not really. But we have a great connection and I wish we were friends outside of work hut I respect the fact that he wants work separated from home. But I do know for a fact he’s looking forward to my move because he is on that campus more. Which ok, I’m in an office unseen from everyone so I can’t exactly interact easily! But it’s ok.

Anyways. Everyone has expressed their unhappiness to move forward without me. There’s bets against manager and how long she will last. There’s people asking for me to keep an eye on jobs (more people than phone girl and checkout girl!).

My new supervisor reached out and when he asked how today was and if anything has happened and I mentioned a ton of food and good time and he said “That suck for them but damn that means I hit the jackpot!!!!” And I was like why do you say that!? And he goes “means they’re gonna miss you and I got someone good!”. We died laughing.

Oh boy.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

It’s Friday!!

It’s my last day at work and if you think I’m under-excited it’s because I am.

Because I’m going to miss quite a few people but some I miss are gone and we don’t keep in touch and some I don’t miss at all, like Old Lead. Who reached out every other week and idk why but I give bare minimum of responses. I doubt she keeps in touch once I’m gone.

I won’t miss the two new hires. Nobody is pleased with them. They’re older versions of the last two, finding MANY ways to work less. The attitude from one, makes me believe she’s been warned at MANY jobs before this one and since this manager doesn’t give a fuck about anything odds are she’s not gonna care about fixing her attitude and rudeness.

If I stayed here Manager would either slowly find a way to fire me or just keep doing what she’s doing. With me gone she’s going to keep avoiding creating a team dynamic but she won’t have a reason to (she uses me as a reason, yes).

I wish I could watch this place fall apart because everyone is willing to ignore things (that I handle) and let her fail at it and stress her out. Like everyone wants to stress her out and some people are actually excited I’m no longer there to handle some things.

It’s weird I know.

I’m excited to move on and begin a turn of a career path. Grow my roots out of healthcare customer service and do something “more challenging” and hopefully this leads to other opportunities away from direct patient care management jobs.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

Not much was missed yesterday on my off day.

Everyone is ready emotionally but everyone isn’t ready for my work to stop because it helps them out.

Manager has 2 people to offer the second phone position to. Funny cuz she hasn’t been in a rush for months 🤣🤣🤣 but she still has weeks to get through of me not being here and someone needs to help phones.

Clinic Lead informed me that manager’s bestie MA has a second interview Monday. She’s not told Manager. She wants THE FUCK out of here and she’s hoping she can out her two weeks in fast as fuck behind me leaving.

And that’s kinda that. I created instructions on how to do testing scheduling for Clinic Lead to help her with her job. This is something I wasn’t going to do because it’s not fair that I didn’t get instructions so fuck everyone else honestly. But since it’s a transfer job it can always be expected of me to comeback and do exactly what I just did. And I do want the clinic to succeed. Idk. I’m 50/50 but it’s done. I guess I want manager to fail and fail hard. But it’s Karma I worry about lol. And she doesn’t deserve to struggle to learn when even having instructions will be a struggle still to learn.

I’m going everything as normal. Nothing has been asked of me at all so when I clock out tomorrow that’s that 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I received two $15 Starbucks cards, one of the girls that gave me one bought me a journal and gel pens too. She’s off tomorrow. She’s not happy about my leaving but she and her bf are talking about moving back to Arizona in December (if not then it’ll be by summer and this has always been the plan).

I’m sure tomorrow will be big. If not that’s ok too. I know I’ve had a great impact on the last year. A little less because it took a long time to get a lot fixed after old manager was fired.

Y’all have been on this journey the whole 2 1/2 years of this chaos. I’m ready for a calmer work environment.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

I’m glad I’ve taken it upon myself to adjust my gym time with my adhd medication. It’s become a lot easier to get going in the mornings. Knowing my new job wants me to be clocked in at 6:30 ON day one (Monday) is a huge kick in the ass to get moving and get going (which means I’m about to and keep this post short).

I think it’s fucking insane to wake up at 2:20 AM and be in the gym by 2:40 (this morning) but I’m already waking up between 1-2 from my meds wearing off the sedative portion of the pill.

I will be getting off at 3 PM which looking at construction traffic is the perfect time to start heading home. I might be willing to even sit through whatever wait there is instead of traveling miles around it all. I think it comes to an end in October or November. Too long.

I am seeing where I need to do better in the gym regarding more weight machines but I REALLY need to amplify my protein intake. I don’t eat a lot of junk but I know that’s what’s keeping my weight on is lack of protein. I also know having 2-3 Coca-Cola cherry a day is definitely not helping. I’m human. And I’ve put in the work it takes to achieve some serious weight loss with a huge protein intake and it’s not easy. It’s definitely lifestyle. There’s a reason celebs complain about what it takes. But they have the money and time to do it all.

I just need to adjust myself and habits. It’s a lifelong thing. The food and gym are equally the hard part lol.

I don’t need to leave at 5::30 til Monday, but I need to get on the habit of being done by then, and today and tomorrow are it.

2 days left at my job. 2 days left of the fuckery im sick of.

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

I just ate a fuck ton of pasta and some seafood filled mushrooms I forgot mom made.

I’m craving watermelon and I would love an ice cream sandwhich.

Guess I go to the grocery store after all.

I’m tired but it’s laziness. However all laundry is almost done and I deep cleaned the tub, sink and toilet. Picked up a bit around here and the bathroom counter too. So it’s feeling better, wish I could keep going but fuck me I am enjoying the lying around. I mean, typical Saturday behavior but it’s Wednesday. And maybe that means I have the energy this weekend..????

I have TWO DAYS LEFT OF MY JOB. The job that sucks all energy out of me because I’m always doing something and ALWAYS talking to strangers and I fucking hate that. Maybe next weekend I actually have energy to do….anything????

[anxiouslysippingcoffee]

It’s already 8:12?!?

Skipped gym. Hell, yesterday waiting for the elevator at work going home, I turned off allllllll the alarms. I woke up at 4:30, well a bit before then but I was cozy and I think I dozed off for a bit. That was the time it was when I finally looked at the clock.

I’ve been slow since. Took ages to make coffee and start Harry Potter. Wrote my first post and relaxed with YouTube shorts for a bit. I have a lot to tidy up today. Nothing bad as I have been keeping things well maintained with adhd meds and feeling in control. I can think a thought and do it then. It’s nice. I’m not jumbled and feeling lazy and sluggish like I did on Strattera.

Laundry is going. I’ll do another small load and then all my bedding.

Today really is a day of a fuck ton of tidying and cleaning things. I have a pot of water on for boiled eggs. I’ll eat some for breakfast today. I need to clean out my fridge, reheat and pull apart a rotisserie chicken I froze. That’s probably lunch.

Debating on a grocery store run but I don’t have to. And I don’t want to. I want to clean. Time to put on music, and a timer so I don’t forget about the water.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Time passing isn’t an apology. (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[crucifiedhereticprincess]

healing does not require pretending it never happened.