AquosAndy

Don't really know what to post on this so we shall see where it goes.

[love-personal]

[aquosandy]

🥶, draw a blank here... 🤕😒, seriously when Tommy told us this... 😈😇🤷🏽‍♂️, he had a chance but he got with anynomous guess that is why that black guy from Texas is here he and tommy were the hot ones at the gym but tommy had the manager job despite this guy being an ex NFL... 🤕😒, did he have a degree? 😇, he can afford it then go back Shane and us can teach him that way he may apply therapy... 🥶, he is from Texas right? 🤕, yup and he has a kid and wife

[danger]

[aquosandy]

😠🥺, 🤑😒, then we remembered... 😈😂, 😇😑, 👿😇, que eres puto Como voz somos... 🙃😑, Enlighten do not be a biter guy we were not even dating him okay... 🤕😒, she got you there... 🤑😓

[aquosandy]

Personalities

When I break myself up Angel is Aquarius my parents taught it everything when it came to manners that’s why I eat a certain way and as respond proper. I would hear the way my mom would be insulted by my dad’s side so I behaved this way by asking my great grandma. Pieces is Daemon the guardian to all of us pure attack but due to our agreement protective. Fallen was the second time I was raped he made sure the rest after him did not come to be; combination of angel and Daemon. Enlighten is the combination of Daemon and angel dressed well and spoke well basically if you read Pygmalion. The order matters because Deamon is the demon so the horns, tail come out, then the wings as the feathers fall and touch him changing his clothes from black to grey and white. Fallen was a reoccurring nightmare I had I was falling I did not understand why. So when I get raped after eating I go to church by myself since he lived close by. I then pray and see so that’s the nightmare I had for five years. As tears fall so that’s what it means no such thing as love. Angels wings become blackened the halo falls into a necklace later on lowers into a belt like look. As fallen my eyes actually are the lightest color as angel my eyes are blood wine. Faith was the time I was raped by the trans person fallen tried killing it it regenerated faster; enlighten fused with angel again. Chaos was agile enough to dodge fallen; combination fallen and angel. Divine has a unique aura guarding him from anything; combination fallen and enlighten.

The reality Ángel is the mother sister Aquarius but light

Daemon, brother parental but not really at all like me toxic the darkness of Aquarius but honest and the artist this part was molested when I was asleep by a parent.

Enlighten, speaks many languages and understands them tries to communicate and find reason

Divine, big brother this personality I found and he usually guarded the rest and encouraged

Chaos, sister but also solidified when Fallen did she is reason Fallen is who I used to be non binary

Snow, cold and collected but also easily heated up but not in arguments but by personal development

Apocalypse, fiery but focused heats up but focuses on the one she likes

Abuse, who I used to be as a child Astro physics and astrological signs

[aquosandy]

Welded fingers

When I was little before the birth of my brother my dad accidentally welds his fingers. My mom bathed him cleaned the wound I would try to help out a three year old I still remember the tears on my dad. I usually say how lucky I am to have him, despite the negatives we usually just speak when we are alone. He still is figuring me out he thinks when I’m in the living room I’m annoyed yet my brother knows. If I’m in my room I don’t want to be bothered if I’m in the living room it means I’m willing to speak and converse. So that time we take care of him the heat after or that fall it happens I catch a fever he takes an ice bath with me my fever is 106 I feel my organs shutting down. He goes in with me the whole time I’m saying I’m sorry dad perdoname por ser tan debil.

[aquosandy]

Stroke

The time my dad got checked it was his second one he came back from a training. I look at him notice he’s stuck a while he doesn’t look at me. I text my brother check on dad somethings weird he hasn’t moved for fifteen minutes and his face. I text my brother to check on him he does and tells me they are at the hospital I tell him I’ll be there after my exams I had two. Usually always something happens at my exams why I hated them yet I usually score well.

I see which parts are affected I put my dad in therapy right away he’s afraid of hospitals so the whole time it’s at home. Card games because I need to see is he can card count like I do and my brother. Videos games cause sequence and reflex, he went back to mechanics, he fixed things around the house. I had my consussion so I hold back on myself and focus on him. Massaging him three to four times a week.

You can’t even tell he had two strokes I reread four books, I stop volunteering cause I have my dad at home to worry. The whole time I remind him each of our triggers so he remembers he’s or dad how much we need him. The weakest link is the one that gives us the most strength. The whole time he and I talk our pasta to make sure he did not forget to make sure he remembers. He then asks me if I still sing like I used to when I was a child I go quiet I stopped singing I played my instrument and tried piano when I was at school on my own. If I wasn’t swimming, in clubs, or working I made time to do this on my own.

[aquosandy]

Finally hanging out

It happened after a while of chatting I hangout with at that time my friend Thomas we finally work together. The whole time him I slept with half of the staff me ummm okay well this is my friend Stef she’s too messed up so I’m taking care of her. Because I do not want drama this weekend at work you are sticking to me is that okay him yea. The whole time this is how you are with your friends me yea aren’t you like this him no usually the guy keeps trying to just fuck me we both just look at him ummm no we take care of each other if somethings wrong usually we find out who is triggering you so we just go to another place. Him it’s nice why didn’t we chat before I respond I follow you on insta but I kind of figured you were a slut so I kept my distance. Him Andy you’re hot why aren’t you like that I respond after being raped twice your opinion on people changes your walls grow thicker and harder the ice around your mind expands to your body.

The second time we go out as friends not coworkers we meet Andrew Christian models he right away points it out his name is Romeo I respond go figure that would be his name him his smile faded why do you say that? I respond haven’t you read Romeo and Juliet him no who reads me? Ugh no wonder you’re just looks no brains Andy stop being an asshole I respond stop being stupid. Him so why do you two look at each other like that? I respond it’s weird when you see someone in real like than when you see I’m YouTube videos, underwear modeling and what not. Him yea but he looked at you first you were speaking with Corey I respond I didn’t notice that him yea he usually doesn’t do that and he just moves on to the next person I respond oh can we go somewhere else? Him you don’t want to talk to him me not really can we please leave? Him are you sure me yes please him are you okay me I right away fake my emotions smile look like nothing is wrong yea I’m good. Him so this is that side you show so well he looks at me sad I just respond next time let’s go local is that okay? Him sure are you okay me not really but I just want to go home him it’s still early me it’s 2 am I’m not working usually I’m at home reading not out drinking just for fun. Him its nice isn’t it? Me not really I don’t like this sorry I smile so he doesn’t feel I’m judging him.

The third time we hangout and just chill he’s working I’m just checking the ambiance can you stay to take me home I respond sure. We get wasted as I drive us home he just snaps you have it easy look at you no worries and you’re hot you rarely watch yourself. As he keeps triggering me then finally the last straw, yet you choose to not give it up you know guys are stupid and don’t care I respond. I pull over this car I bought with my scholarship money my school I’m the one paying for it. Work I hate being a gogo I hate escorting I do it to make sure my family is not on the street. Unlike you my dad is not a sherif if I was your dad I would throw you in jail I would let you rot for a year in solitary confinement I know about your DUI that’s why you don’t drive and ask everyone and as payment you sleep with them, so you understand what people go through. Get the fuck off your pedestal and take a look around. The reason why I said his name is Romeo is because his parents named him that seeing how they both fell for him yet his other name is Topher which means everyone he hooks up with he’s the guy the other person is the receiver. Him your point me dude you’re a bottom verse can’t believe you don’t get it and I do? Stop insulting and just say it I’m not insulting I want you to understand so you think you can do it before you just give up. He then looks at me I tell him back off you’re not kissing me try it I will punch you wear you got your appendix removed he just looks at me it’s that obvious me yea guys think that after hurting you a kiss fixes it all it doesn’t. It just numbs the pain you’re still hurt and you want to get away.

Afterwards when we hangout my friend Chris is with us since my other personality doesn’t like Thomas anymore but Angel tells Daemon he’s our coworker be nice. Fallen st this point keeps the rest to himself I wanted to tell him if he wanted help I would of instead I stay silent the next time the reasons I ask Chris to come to make sure the models do not interact with me.

I find out how most get the job which triggers me.

[aquosandy]

Mother dearest

If ever my mother hates me I’m okay with it after all I hated myself the most. I asked for sibling so when I got him me he’s perfect. That night I was in my cousins house I hated it I wanted to be with my parents but they don’t allow children yet throughout the whole thing mom you can’t eat that it’s not healthy eat this. Mom you can’t do that you’ll hurt the baby wait till dad comes home. Those days I never left her side when she was home in our crappy trailer as my parents say yet to me no one bothered us no one stole from us so I was happy. I started to cook I asked for help my mom you have to cook smaller pieces me I know that way the heat my break and cook the cell wall so we can absorb the nutrients otherwise you can’t her yup the doctor told you that me we spoke I asked what could help you help my sibling. Her would matter if it were a girl not really I wouldn’t care it would be easier if she acted up I just tell her she’s still a Virgin so shut up and act like a lady. I have to literally beat my brother up just to get him to behave females are easy males aren’t so my mom looks at me would you of protected her like do him I hesistate to answer my mom didn’t know what I knew of my brother me I’m going to set the table I need your help me you can do it on your own her. I respond mom you know I would kill for my brother what do you think I would do if I had a sister my mom just smiles I respond remember I won’t get caught I’m not that stupid she looks at me yea if I had a daughter she would have to learn how to hide from you and you’re the darkness I respond you’re my night sky.

[aquosandy]

Thick Thighs

In the winter of swim season I usually wore jackets during this time I’m fluctuating between 24/26 finally one day I forget my underwear so I go from the bathroom to my room. It’s early morning Sunday I thought everyone was asleep my dad’s gone for weekend training. My moms asleep we can hear her snore finally my brother says wow Andres you’re skinny me I know I don’t like it him, but look at your thighs me yea I don’t lift him dude looks like you could lift a lot me no I just put on a drag suit that’s size 30 the one that the Webb kids stole at that time. Remember rich people steal not poor people I never had anything stole from me at Pomona High or School of Arts and Enterrprise. My brother wow how does it feel going from 44 to 25 waist me shitty I can’t find anything to wear jeans I have to buy 30 and 32 if I want to drop it low. I say I’ll be back hold on him okay get changed you whore I come back he sees me put on a hoodie and just undies. Can you put pants on please me you can’t even see anything with the hoodie him yea never mind okay. So what do you want to ask him. Can you put me on your diet regimen me okay but when dad’s back you have to wake up otherwise he’ll eat it no he won’t me you don’t know him like I do. Do you want me to also make you lunch my brother yes please and put extra fruit on mine I don’t like eating that as much as you me I don’t either but the fruit gives it a nice taste. Plus I’m not hungry for at least six hours. How did you find out DaveyWavey my brother looks him up he’s handsome me yea not my type though him you still haven’t changed how do you mean? My brother you rather be on your own me no I don’t have time for an immature brat you know that him go make me breakfast me we don’t have chorizo I’ll be back I’m craving that want chilakilles him I don’t can you make two separate breakfasts me yea mom makes three to four I can make two and she can pick which one she wants unless she’s up him I’ll text you please just case I can pick up whatever she needs.

[aquosandy]

Apologies

So sorry I kept saying negative things to Asians I sometimes forget Pacific Islanders are not Asians, Philippinos (Samoans, Hawaiians, and so on) are not Chinese (Taiwanese, Vietmanese, and so on) so to the murdererous person and company just stop seriously you are annoying.

This reminds me of my ex a hapa Chinese and white. So when one of his friends treats himself he tells him he should do so save your money typical Asian thought. Me spoil yourself every now and then I tell the guy. You bought your bed sleep in it. The few things I buy myself are like that my type and for me. I hate shopping cause I usually can find whatever I’m looking for the other people yet when it came to me I couldn’t. So I would take my brother could you get me something please while I picked out my brothers clothes he picked mine.

So then when you send me pictures of you drinking you remind me of another ex. He had a best friend that liked him so whenever I asked for help it backfired. That’s why usually I just txt the person ask them, otherwise I don’t trust now why? Then he tells me I’m out with this other girl um okay cool him she’s more lesbian mentally me yea usually females in our time frame are my time frame are not. Despite it being a couple years like 2-3 it’s a lot. Him Andy my family does not know me I know I get it. Him are you okay with it, me no but I’m used to worse mentally I myself that, so I stay quiet; I do not say you stated the situation as it. We only meet up for sex you said that not me, I’m the idiot that thinks there could be more. So that time I am pressured to see him just to hook up I did not want to go I just wanted to stay in my living room watching whatever it was. Him Andy I am only here for the break me mentally must be nice leaving when you can. My dad gets stroke I take care of him I stop voluntaring at Casa Colina cause I see my dad how can I help strangers when I have the issue at home. When he gets spurs on his ankles removed I massage him and stretch him. My mom loves him so much the days I had assigned to her for massages she tells me to give them to him. She usually goes on with less. So the day my brother and dad freak out and call my mom into an asylum I get pissed. Mainly at my dad me so you know how many times I have had to lie for you and oh give up one time on her when she never gave up on you. I lie and say it’s time it’s everything because I’m tired working over 60 hours at Casa and even though we have the talks with the CEO no changes but it’s behavioral changes we want yet there’s no criticing of staff and therapist we have it for patients/ clients but not employees. Despite this because I knew how much it would cost I throw myself into overtime again. I finish paying one loan in a couple months.

When she comes back I see how she is broken me mental disorders are like the common cold if you do not know the signs you can pick up the disorder. I usually just avoid the person after. I have to go back home to my problems I’m not like other people who just avoid I actually confront them. If it means being by myself then so be it I’m used to it those days she held my hands so I wouldn’t think about it. She just wanted sleep I wanted to disappear my dad was working. So when he came back he would pick me up from the caregiver/ babysitter, I would run to my dad him did you eat me no I played and learned a new game the other kids are my food. Him want to go get something to eat me sure what about mom him where do you want to go me McDonalds just for the toy I was such a stupid child. So when I brother was born he saw my toys him you have so many me yea having a lot is nothing when you have no one to play with. So as we grew up I put in half the money and had A and B sometimes C in Highschool I had everything A through F. My brother a 3.8 and still freaking out since he’s used to 4. He one times asked me how I do it I respond I just look at us and our cousins they try harder yet dont look happy us with so little we are okay why is that? My brother just looks at me.

Then one of my cousins Caro gets married she does what my mom does her parents we hear what they say so it makes sense I told her the same when I was a kid and she was 8. Her parents ask if he is documented does he need something? What’s wrong with him? My mom tells me all this I just respond wow basically you and dad no support from your parents what would you do I would still go if she invited me. Caro was not like Carla where she kept quiet that’s where I notice my spark I see, I work, and I continue I do not stop I’ll take a break maybe get down but after the things I’ve been through who wouldn’t? Carla dated her guys in other countries when she was in undergrad Caro did not date until he came along. I tried see no point take a break try again repetition so I just chose to stay alone. Why so he could treat me less? Make me feel how my dad does it to my mom and we are constantly pulling him out of the mess.

So when my dad asks me if he should quit the military I respond it’s the only thing you know you do not apply yourself outside of it. Just look at the pictures you never behave like that with us only them. He one time goes off you did not run to me like yo used to I did not say anything. I thought he remembered when I was little I saw my parents past as I slept I say it in dreams. So when he came back and I was molested I was scared he would see plus he had a gun and he is like my grandpa he tries to be fair eventhough I’m he preferred one yet we usually give my brother what’s better.

[aquosandy]

Betting Brothers

I love gambling so as children my brother and I made the bet on our parents lives being that we are the future. So I bet my mothers life being that if she cheats I take care of her. My dad is my brothers responsibility. So I am caught in a conundrum recently my dad told em being that he was put in a court case in which he said this to me you really think I would go for that skank when I could just cross the border and pay some other chick. All I responded was thank god my brother isn’t here CSU’s did he heard you he would take care of you. As for me I stopped giving him massages I stopped caring about him. My mother has gone through too much with that insignificant piece of crap. The one time he insulted her family in Mexico I saw her become the dragon I know she is so she tells him I do not say shit about your family even though they all cheat and do drugs here is my family making ends meet not abusing someone else so don’t speak. This is partitially why I rarely ever brought guys other only my friends never bfs or significant others cause the moment I hear them insult I’ll just text my brother go pick my funeral outfit I’m putting someone out of their misery him what colour would you like I’m thinking gray since they lack intelligence him isn’t gray matter part of the brain me ugh so true never mind ask my dad Joseluis he’ll know afterall he was almost like my dad also one time he comes back he brings a song Black Beetle I fall in love with it I actually listen to the lyrics this time.

Back to the bet that evening my brother and I were kids me I bet mom won’t cheat on dad my brother I bet dad won’t cheat on mom. What should we wager my brother the one thing we know mom is worth 20 k if she dies me even though it’s a lot more him dad is worth 80 k me sadly it should be less but whatever he’ll lose better that deal. My brother looks at me pissed I tell him what remember I never bet on a dead horse I usually always win him why I respond I bet on the underdog usually that’s also you. He just looks at me I say sorry I have s soft spot for the one that means everything to me. So we start to play cards me in case you want to eat this is how I ate for free in Highschool play retards like Potato they do not know when to stop and he still owes me money. Then my brother asks me for lunch so I wake up early and make it for him breakfast too those days I cooked for us three and the dog my dad was deployed she was asleep. They both looked so peaceful I just get them something and took off for practice or work.

When we were little we saw who our guardian was first thing I did was ask my brother should we keep her alive him she just our grandma. Me yea she doesn’t do anything we could just ask Our cousin, aunt, or uncle to check on us right I’m 14 at the time in case anything happened we had these conversations. We hear our parents talk about it if something happens to them so we start to prepare to. I learn everything for cooking and managing my brother focuses on computer software and hardware engineering I do software. I start to learn mechanics to fix anything and plumbing. People talk about thinking like this being the worst is it kept us going. It kept us united so at night we shared the bed telling other hopefully it never happens.

[aquosandy]

Financial difficulties

As soon as I find out we were paying for my brothers school I was outraged he had a High GPA never missed a day first time. He usually would fake getting sick I would be in bed dying he faked his illnesses and he skipped school. So when we transferred him I see why he tried harder I was actually disappointed I thought he was like me just cause my uncle called me stupid I took mine APs joined gate and still was doing more than those three things. Then I saw my grades I saw my classes I saw how my uncle compared his daughters to one another Carla the perfect Isa the worrier, finally Betty the pretty one he even said all she’s good for is marriage she’ll find a good man. So I asked my parents to take my brother out of the district. So he would not go through that criticism and from teachers once my teachers knew they were my cousins they got harder on me then they saw every I was doing and they backed off my cousins were not on that level. Then my brother joins football I encourage him but I tell him join a sport youcsn do after college. Him soccer only Mexicans do that me we are Mexicans him I don’t like it. I decide to do swim he sees me sees how I am he joins football I ask him why. Him I like hurting people me yea I know that’s what most football guys say I asked ULV makes sense why they lose most games the years I was there. Him why did you want me to join water polo me our coach has sent four players to the surgery ward your coach actually coaches and teaches you ours is not good with college athletes. I tell him I did swim and I wanted to do water polo but because of the coach I do not join it’s my health. I’m not going to lose a body part doing something I am obligated to I’ll lose it for fun not a chore.

The worst part was when I meet him he’s everything I did not want in a guy. He’s Mexican I learned to hate my own culture cause my parents hated our own criticisizing in the worst way without explaining as when I was in my psy courses then made sense. Plus reading so many books helps you tie patterns.

He’s Mexican, dirty blond hair, speaks Spanish when I heard him speak I was happy because my dad wanted our partners to speak Spanish so we would keep the language. When I would look into his eyes I hated it because he would constantly remind me we weren’t going to last so I just separated myself from and remembered why I’m alone. I told my mom I wouldn’t be like her ridiculed mainly because of her trauma that later she used as a weapon against us so I just told her at least I have my degree remember you’re just a stupid bitch you called me a son of a bitch right her I’m okay I’m happy with my body I see my scars from when I was kid. I see my stretch marks from obesity so I’m okay why not I’ve always been miserable I just wore it like an outfit no one could tell it was like a mask the only one that saw it off and broken was my brother and my dog. That’s why I usually also push guys away in certain instances tickles but then also why don’t get away. He never did any of that I did t to him he didnt to me it makes sense why would he I’m just like the others said. Why else would I speak to you; why would I be seen with you; you chose that underage over your boyfriend (that recruit could of died that day he was cross faded I just watched him till I had to go). My boyfriend did not tell me when he drank with his friends yet I let him know when I was out and where I was just cause I would tell my brother too not my parents after being called a slut, whore, and so on why so they could insult me more. Then when my brother would counsel me why am I doing it me we have no option we aren’t rich it’s just my body it’s not like I matter he looks at me. Me can we watch a movie tonight like we used to him yea me thanks Martin as he sees tears fall him be safe me I try if I’m drugged it’s harder to tell him I know just be careful I’ll miss you remember that also my dog him yea after his death I lost my trees my asian pears and mangos I grew them after him to remember him but because I can’t go outside without breaking down I just stay inside. Back then I’m okay now.

[aquosandy]

Vandalism

This is how comfortable I am I would watch Bondocks, Kete and Pele in which two black men would make fun of every race this meant Latin American culture and women too I still remember the hooker outfit when I saw it and they spoke to Miley Cyrus my brother just watched we laughed as children because when we started to shift roles my brother did not know until finally checked my balance why I did not go down in money despite never being there at home. So one day our middle school I yell the n word just cause so my neighbors shot up our house with paint balls. The one day our Caucasian neighbor kills himself we hear the gunshot we thought the kids broke our window. We did not care backthen the kids from the neighbor hood used our basketball court to play we moved my moms car. It was a coincidence as the kids threw the ball, the ball hit our front window we thought it broke we checked everything no nothing happened. Cops come and ask us all if we knew the kid all of us no they had a son we had no idea he was homeschooled and always playing online we never saw him or knew he existed. That summer my it’s my usual thing I check all video games to make sure they are working check my moms car since my dad is deployed. I did basic mechanics oil change, check wiring, and check all of the house he taught us how but only I remember. I did it every summer. I stopped after my injury one thing really fucks you up. The worst is no one can see it so you have to heal on your own remember you always been on your own.

[aquosandy]

Hintons Hassle

During this time the one time she gets back at one of the students cheating off my homework so she asked me why I did not ask her for a recommendation letter. I respond you’re from NYU correct her yes I’m also a military son just like you are a military daughter. Your point me I’m not done in the Bible it states not to judge someone based on appearance or family background because we are all different isn’t that correct her? Me you found out who my cousins are yes and you started to critique my work more yet you failed to notice one thing her. I change my criteria for you me that’s not the point I can’t write for crap I know but that fact that you compared me to my cousins is irritating. Those three could not fight a plague even if they had the antidote. I am used to being bullied, bothered but to have a professor do it to me from such a prestigious school is shameful her did you apply me. My dad getting deployed you think I would go there fuck no I would not be like the rest of the idiots go to the east coast when I have all here in the west. At least I know who my family is my cousins don’t, I know all of my family history none of them know it like me. Her why don’t you study history me because I have the answer with my mom that’s all I need.

Three generations of females and why education should be open to all. My cousin Carla started it with her research I’m using it with my Clinical Psy D. I’ll just tell my cousin you should of got us the goat you promised at your wedding instead you gave food that almost most do not like I heard all the guest me my god most of you should feed the homeless gives you a reason to enjoy what’s on your plate. My brother how do you eat this Andres me it’s Vegan food apitizer you eat the mango sauce with it otherwise that vegetable is so disgusting him seriously me yes him when did you try this me just now mango sauce counteracts that haven’t you had good food? Him no I like my fat remember me yea I know I remember cooking for us I hated fat you loved it so I cooked for us what you liked. Him why didn’t you say something me because I said I would take care of you till the end.

The next tattoo I wanted was a Rosary around my waist go in a speedo to the shop or keep it within the tan line. I’m the only one that prays between my brother and me. When I did my confirmation yes I know my religion backwards and forwards my brother why did you do it him cause of mom and dad me I’m laughing him but you learned everything right I start to test him seriously I’m not doing this me you might have to marry catholic girl him you’re lucky you don’t have to marry by church. I go quiet him has that thought eluded you me no my tattoos switch I wanted Angel wings now I want both angel and Demon him why. Me didn’t Lucifer fall him yea but it was for man me why. Lucifer was pissed that humans were dying left and right and God just took favor but no ailments me wrong people were paying into religion and these people were using the money incorrectly so you pick the right people in power not just cause they speak like they are rich but actually represent correctly him yea I know me. These people know suffering they know what can help remember we lost more than other can think my brother sees my eyes every religion fights it’s stupid yet our moral ethic code all stands the same it was a son of god who tried to help man yet they all take and try to manipulate religions don’t matter at the end if your church forces you to pay tithe it’s not a church you give what you can, if a priest father tells you how to vote it’s not a church you go somewhere else. During this time prop 8 was going my brother was pissed me what’s wrong him church and state me what’s your point Andre people like him are the reason you can’t marry. I respond laughing when has male never cheated him dad hasn’t I look at him most of the gay males I know have open relationships. My brother sees my eyes this is why I’ll be alone. Him it’s better I believe in unity desire anything no one thinks like me remember I’m alone.

[aquosandy]

Brother’s Blockade

The one time my brother lied for me then never again I just told him check me in the mornings that’s it. I get a hickie the one time I hook up with a guy. The whole time I chatted with him for months online finally we talk. We have intercourse yet the whole time me mentally that’s it months of talking and that’s it this is all you have. He says how much he makes a month me it’s not what you earn of what you have but what I see. More bottles than I can count my age and his combined he asked if I wanted to drink I say no. I only drink when I’m sick or when I have to go up when I was a gogo my dancers knew I was pissed and had to perform if one of them fucked up and was too drunk. I would just tell the person to leave and I got this I took their spot and downed almost a bottle from any event it takes me usually 10 minutes for the alcohol to kick in. I practiced substance abuse in Highschool I was on two prescriptions and 20 Tylenol’s a day so I kind of know my limit. This is why I always eat to make sure I have something in my stomach and I do not develop an ulcer sorry Jimmy just being honest.

He then asks me if I want to smoke me can I just chill here please I need a moment to think him so he starts speaking more me. This is why you’re in school remember you told yourself you’ll be alone it’s better this way no one can disappoint you.

The hickie he gives me is on my back wear I wanted my angel wings tattoo. The reason I wanted that tattoos was because to remind me Angel do not fall in other words angels do not fall in love when my brother asked I never responded him does it hurt me what having your heart broken cause gay guys are worse than straight women him damn I did not mean it like that me I’m going outside with my dog him why do you tell him and not me? You judge me just like mom and dad you who has more education are just as bad as them.

That day I usually have a shirt on this time I don’t I’m just in undies, briefs like when I was a kid my mom sees the hickie where were two days ago is that how you got it me what are you talking about then I remember, “here’s my hater mark”. I rush to the restroom my brother, “oh mom I did that sorry Andres you know how boys are.” My mom, “finally you got your brother where he could not hid the bruise.”

Usually I hid the bruises my dad or my brother gave me so when I hit my brother his were where no one could see them. Him how do you get rid of it you have to tell me now you owe me. I respond I owe you shit incase you hit your kids I’m not telling you. I’m taking this to the grave great grandma told me why do you think those days I would hit mom she freaks out because dad is back. So dad hits me I hit her but none of us touch you dad hit me yea one time that’s why I hit her that day and told her take care of your husband or I will and the next time we will all be wearing black is that understood. Yea you’re just an idiot Martin remember that I’m the brains you’re just the beauty. He never realizes for him I’ll go to hell and back I would never do that for another guy after all he stopped me the times I thought about it. Why would I leave him I asked for him for three years every night. I worked hard always and when doctors I took every test he backed off some me it hurts it’s normal I got pricked 154 times he got pricked 90. I had an asthma like attack in class. PHS is so dirty my chem class and the books so dusty students barely read them yet in my AP classes none of that. But in my college prep classes my god how do people even survive in these conditions. Then I check my AP instructors most have doctorates. Another reason I wanted my brother out of the district I saw the changes happening to PHS I don’t want him here.

[aquosandy]

Pregnancy

To the fat cunt from my job bitch there was fucken all this space in the break room I go to the one on my own because all of you stupid ass females. You talk or make up shit I can spot a liar a mile away looks like any bitch who has a STI/STD just wear make up hides everything. Most women don’t get checked after a rape so you learn to hide your pain and embrace your shame. This is why when I was little I would ask my mom never wear make up unless dad hits you or something bad happens. Why me she wears it and covers up with clothes don’t you remember after all this was my caregiver an illegal immigrant we didn’t know what we could do despite my dad having a gun I tell him don’t use it you’ll leave me and mom what good are you in jail or in Mexico he would you come live with me where ever I go I respond not to chiuhuah him why not me your mom is disgusting she doesn’t clean the pots after she cooks that is fucking gross he slaps me don’t cuss me tell her to wash the dishes bitch has enough time to prick herself but not to wash dishes what the fuck is that again hits me I finally respond isn’t that how this happened where we are hitting me cause you choose to stand up for a stupid cunt he just leaves. My mom looks at me are you okay me are you? I’m sorry for acting out when may I have a sibling she just looks at me why do you want one me so I’m not alone. So I don’t have to look at other kids who don’t even take care of theirs with envy she just looks at me your birthday is coming up I respond I know I don’t want anything you already know so I see no point in expecting. That year my parents threw the biggest party everyone from be trailer park comes I had two piñatas three cakes yet my wish doesn’t change. My parents the month before ask tell me it’s expensive having a kid I respond I know I remember you lost your business because of me I’m sorry. We worked at a swap meet I picked the merchandise do to being able to dream walk and predicting certain futures my dad thought I knew what sales. He was trying to figure out what type of psychic I was without understanding it does not work like that. I saw his past my moms yet the whole time me I’m touching your skin him what do you mean I respond as long as I’m touching you I can jump in as long as I feel comfortable I do not have to ask he just looks at me where did you get that me I don’t know but I have nightmares every now and then he then asks like what like what happened to me. Can you see their face I respond yes but I hate it I hate seeing it cause then the person asks for help and I can’t do much. I was a child going through this without control so the times my parents held me it was skin to skin to block me from jumping in other peoples nightmares and I enter my parents dreams or my mom nightmares it was as long as I touched them. My mom hated me cause of that when I touched her I relieved what she relieved she would ask me to stop me I have no control I just ask before I sleep show me hell so when awaken I feel like I’m in heaven she then looks at me with somber eyes I respond I’m sorry mom her she holds me that day in her arms. What if we don’t have enough for certain things me I don’t need much and if afterwards I can get a job with your brother or uncle you pick who. Her okay she sees how her uncle is I’ll ask my brother I respond okay cool so when I start working for my uncle I complain to her he’s complaining about me working lazy fat bitches can’t even wake up when we get there I’m up since 4:30 one day I woke up late I had exams the day before I’m 10 I’m still not in the GATE program but I’m in ELS despite speaking only English in school never taking the class but the school gets extra money. My uncle brags yea my daughters are in GATE I respond one day what good is that if you can’t even wake up to help your dad. My uncle at least they will go somewhere with that education I respond back where I don’t see much from your three daughters to be honest I see more with my cousins in Mexico than these three.

So next time Perla I’ll tell you go call your kid somewhere else I don’t give a fuck and I want to enjoy my break being that you can barely do your job. But you have enough time to make it look like you are a good mom.

He then attacks my dad saying what good the military is I respond at least my mom doesn’t work look at you uncle 200 k and your wife works my dad 60 k and we watch movies whenever we want so instead of being lazy asses we study and do what we can around the house cause when my dad comes back we watch them with him. My uncle goes quiet my aunt usually keeps to herself yet she’s one of my inspirations my cousins in my opinion do not value her as I value my mom. Usually when we are there she when my mom and her would talk would leave me alone with the pit bulls I just remember when I would be riding my cousins bike the puppy Sarco and Pene had and how he followed me so I get off the bike and just play with him. Finally weeks pass by I ask my uncle what happened to the puppy he said they had to sell him I was taking my time asking for him. I respond your dogs hurt he says what do you mean me their tails hurt when they wag. I don’t mind being knocked down and licked to death but your daughters complain about the dogs wipping them Carla is the only one that does not have bruises from that because she usually lays down and they laydown with her or also knock her down but they surround her first not your other two daughters that much. It’s as if your dogs ignore Betty and Isa be careful dogs usually pick up signs of their owners he just looks at me why didn’t you want the pit bull? I would have to get the tail cut off and that looks weird in my opinion both of my parents love me more I care about my brother the most so depending who the dog imprints on I would be more worried of it ignoring my brother or hurting him. My is he so important to you my uncle asks one day me none of your daughters but the youngest one watch and care for the others as my brother watches for me and I care for him. What do you mean? I respond the one daughter you say is the most beautiful is the one that if something is wrong bakes something for the other two or asks tia what will calm Isa down, what does Carla like so we can do something for her. The one that you tell is only good for marriage cause she is the dumbest one is the only one that if something is wrong she tries to figure it out. So when I see her in school she avoids me why is that tio? Him i don’t know mijo you two never got along I respond no you told her she’s only good for marriage you told me I should make sure I have my things in check. You told her, her worth is less than mine yet I right away saw that so I tried to help her yet she always went the other way. How do you think it felt being on her own at UCDavis he says it wasn’t hard I respond she’s used to having Isa with her they share a room they have almost all of their life he just looks at me you and your brother share rooms and beds me we have to. You have more money than us yet you can’t or don’t know how to manage it that is stupid yes your daughters might be in GATE may have educations but they never teach you anything what good is that? I taught my mom what I learned so when I would be studying I applied what I learned my mom did not know how to sow I taught myself that your mom made dresses and clothes for all of you but did not know how to cook. So my mom learned and from who he just looks at me puzzled I respond from your aunts and grandma. Didn’t grandpa love my moms cooking the most so the days that my grandma cooked he was sad but would look at my mom amazed the only daughter he would let when she wanted to sit on his lap. When she would get sick he would freak he could leave to tend the farm because he knew he left the rest of the kids with her. Then your two brothers died and he started to worry for the rest of you so he started to sell and manage money better as he sent each one of you over how do you think he felt sending you each into new world my uncle just looks at me? I asked him do you know why he told me he felt like he was a king. Better his daughters make their own decisions than be married off to the highest bidder uncle lets be real you’re not smart but you are a hard worker.

I play dumb cause I have stuff at home, school, and what not so I keep to my section at the swap meet cause I at least make 2-4 k a day Isa and Betty never make that much Carla is busy filling the other hats I’m busy making more belts that you taught me how to and restocking the cheaper hats yet it’s with my favorite font, “old English”. Plus you only pay me 30- 50 bucks but you pay Isa and Betty 70 each for only 2-3 hours of work fuck even I wish I was girl at this point. Him so you don’t want to work for me I respond that and it’s bad business I don’t like working for someone dumber than me sorry. I don’t mind hard working but stupid and lazy we have issues. Our conversation is in Spanish I look at the plants so my mom is right what she said him what do you mean? You’re the first born him yea and I wondered why I grow any type of plant without trying and my brother is horrible at it and he looks up the season and everything. My mom heard from a lady only the first borns can grow whatever you ask them so I had Asian pear tree but died cause when my dog died I would take care of it his death is still too much I can’t grow any plant in the back yard but in the front yard all of my flowers bloom. That and the neighbors, avocado tree that is infected with the plague it killed our peach tree. My dog and I would enjoy the peaches on fall days when I was reading a book underneath it and brushing his fur.

[aquosandy]

Life lessons

The one thing my dad never knew was when I was molested it happened during his first deployment. I don’t tell my mom because she usually lies and ignores things. The tendacies do not comeback, suicide I wonder why then I think about it I know him. That’s why after that I focus on school make sure we are not in the same classes he gets thrown into a gang finally my Highschool I transfer back to PHS from SAE. He asks me the one time why I avoided majority of my elementary, completely middle school and transferred Highschool I tell him the truth. You touched me we were friends it was nice playing dodgeball, soccer, during marble season and I did have a crush on you but that day when we had to write standards was the worst I get in trouble for can’t remember but I remember his hand coming up my calf him nervously laughing me frozen looking straight ahead not making eye contact. So as his hand goes up my thigh me I keep looking forward not making eye contact it was one thing my elders taught me my great grandma and grandpa my mom wasn’t around I would be alone ask these things to them my grand pa we have this discussion when I’m four mind you I get that bad. I ask that question because me I know grandpa and I feel sick and shame so grandpa we fall asleep on the hammock. Him mijo he won’t know if you are or your not me but I wanted to be, my grandpa why does it matter he then sees me look at my mom she’s cooking talking to one of my aunts Rosa. My grandpa what happened mijo why aren’t you telling me something. Did you know what happened to her when she was a four he tells me yes. I lost two sons that bastard said twins take each other out they don’t one misses the other that much one asks another sibling to kill him. So she did it? Him tu madre ha pasado por lo peor mijo I respond lo se tu cres que no lo noto lo peor esque siempre me dice mentiras y yo estoy viendo lo que pasa oh me amazan a mí como cres que yo me siento? He asks me quieres vivir aquí I respond si y no? I respond sí y no, him por que? I respond ella no cambia Han pasado una decada y no cambia todavia miente y aguanta el abuso y porque sí tu la creiste ser la mas todo de tus otras hijas pero ella tiene mas miedo que Las demas. He then responds te quedarias con ella? I respond nunca has oido por lo que ella reza oh sí el responde honestamente no mijo yo tube que trabajar para mandar todos mis niños a otro pais mira aqui domina el cartel I respond sí pero el cartel no ha lluegado a este pueblo verdad mijo pero piensa que deficil hemos trabajado todos yo respondo tu y mí titera tienen la misma abilidad que yo tengo sí pero no podemos ir a la iglesia para activar respondo por que es eso abuelo? Tu y Isa son igual tu abuela me dijo cuando la consosio yo respondi no somos igual ella es olgazano pinche gorda lo mas se la pasa dormida el me deci estudia mas duro que tu yo respondo sí y la pendeja ní sabe como cosinar, limpiar, coser, oh cuidarse ella misma menos otra persona. No sabia eso mijo a tí quien te enseño? Respondi tu hija y mí apa el me enseño sobre cars y leía sus libros sobre electricidad cuando el estaba en guerras my grandpa never questioned my parents marriage like my dad side did. My grand pa just wanted my mom to find a good man it was my grandpa who told me not to be so harsh on my dad it my degree that taught me both of my parents are the best option compared to most. My uncle who lives two blocks away makes 200k a year yet has not paid of the house or any bills despite having three daughters. My parents own the house yet we did have a hard time my brother new I resorted to being a gogo and escorting. Not prostitution, I did not always sleep with the guys I was with yet I did have a great time. The few times I did sleep well hey you are hot and you turn me on intellectually so why not that’s why I never fell in love cause I told myself who would be with me. My dad could not find a job for two years so he takes the money I saved up lies and says I right away tell him none of it goes to your family especially your fucken mom give a penny to her.

Give a penny to her and I’ll burn the house down. So he stops sending money the first straw for me was when we got new beds and he tells me his brother and mom are coming over so we have to move back into our big bed that we share I say no. Your mom and brother can go to our cousins I’m not giving up my new bed when your disgusting brother and smelly mom can’t even clean themselves properly mom side isn’t that disgusting and they came from the fucken country your family came from the fucken city and they are the most disgusting people I have met my god makes hell seem like the Marriott that’s how gross they are. Then I watch my aunt Hayleen one thing I wanted to ask is she worth it? My grand ma being married to a cardiologist who is a sex offender, live in a beautiful house with electric fenses, just so Incase my grandma needs anything she calls you? Both of my uncles prestine doctors yet they could not figure out why I got sick every year for four days with a fever of 106 usually. So I fall asleep for four days only during the day not at night. At night I’m fully awake, then I go to doctors here in America even that stupid cunt who could not asses my concussion right guess that’s why she’s a Mexican’t probably she studied with Dr. Dunn no wonder they have a PhD studying dick but don’t know how to take it. Bitch it’s a joke shit Lieberman should show up to her classes with a tray of fresh cookies to offer the students of ULV and say this when you survive a hallocaust (despite not being in one) you learn that not many things can warm you up so to keep fedelity when you love the person you’re with you learn to heat yourself up so you don’t fuck up guess that’s why I’m the president and you’re my employee so learn to do your job or you won’t be here next semester.

Back to my medical issue my grandma tells me then at twelve years old to drink three shots of tequila for three nights. So whenever I feel my fever coming in which there are signs tonsils flare up, I start getting headaches so I just head to a store and buy my favorite tequila drink my shots and that’s it. My mom complained how one year I went through bottles it was my senior year I was barely sleeping had exams like the year I took my brother out for a couple weeks straight him. We’ve been going out a lot me I know enjoy the meal please him why how do you think I am wondering where you are and who you are with. I respond back how do you think I feel I’m the one who already thinks who would want to be with me you’re worried about my wellbeing when I’m trying to make sure you are in that fucken school when I decided I wanted you there and I find out meth heads are there, coceheads, heroine, and so on. But because you are getting the education you deserve I don’t care so when I shower and I’m done and I see myself I have to imagine when we were kids and we shared that bathroom how much I hated looking into that mirror by myself so when you were born and we got that step up we would be brushing our teeth together I was at the side or behind you. You still remember me how could I forget I tanned skin because I would be out you would be inside I would work you would wait. I was stupid for caudling you so much yet I did not know what you were allergic to unlike I because you were afraid unlike I. I took every test when we were little you didn’t out of fear pain is fear it’s better knowing yet you were afraid. I thought I taught you what my grandparents taught me instead I see you learned what our parents learned to suppress and oppress then he says does grandpa know I respond he’s dead it doesn’t matter him what would he think? I respond that despite the fuck up my mom married she still had two amazing sons that make sure she is okay even if one is away the other checks up on her. Remember I’m the one that even gives her massages it’s called tough love if im not afraid of hitting my own mom what the fuck makes you think I won’t beat the fuck out of you? My brother just looks at me makes sense why your single I respond I don’t have time for little boys remember I need a man him too bad there’s no good ones around me hey at least we get to eat well.

That day I take him out my dad can’t find a job we are in a resession I took Econ two years before I ask in class despite it being a business pre req at ULV non of the dumbasses ask this. Where are we? My professor just looks at me aw Andres finally you speak up I respond well I got a D last exam minus will actually pay attention seeing how what you cover in lecture is not on the book. Him the book cost 300 bucks me yea and this course cost me almost five thousand dollars mind you this is grants, scholarships, loans and everything. He then asks what’s your major I respond psychology and kinesiology him why those two half of these idiots are business majors if you can’t produce a product you can’t sell I’m here trying to help someone that gets hurt and wants to recover or try to go back to 100 percent if I have a low GPA my financial aid gets affected do you see where I am going with this or do I have to dumb it down some more so these monkeys can understand. Him well we are actually right here as he points to the graph I then respond how long does it last him usually four to eight years me so basically whoever is in office the year before him yes you get it me no shit it’s a graph it’s easy to read how do we stay out of it him you don’t vote for a retard me good luck not getting one to go for office. What do you mean? I respond we haven’t had a good president since Nixon that’s when my mom got her residency and what happens watergate scandal. He was helping immigrants yet he gets impeached. Next is Clinton due to the affair he had we have another impeachment yet he lowers the debt of America during this time in class we have president Obama. So after this president I’ll be smooth sailing for the next president low and behold we are in trump era im just like fuck me even when I was raped at least one of the guys actually owned and knew how to financially run a business this dumbfuck has been bankrupt most of the time we are screwed minus will move back to Mexico if I don’t get accepted by the military just saying I take what I learned and flourish over there one of my cousins took Econ.

[aquosandy]

Enlightens Birth, Angels silence

The second time I was molested after moving into a house my dad was deployed for a year he asked to speak with angel. He remembers angel dreamed walked into his dreams and my moms. He noticed all of my prayers came true since I was never selfish so he asked to come back safe I looked at him and laughed you’re afraid wow we are different him you don’t get it I snap at him you don’t get it it all comes with a cost my Dreams cost me my feathers instead of using them as weapons and shields I burn one to see he then looks at me how many do you have left I don’t respond humans are selfish my great grandma told me never to say how many feathers I have. I just tell him I’ll take over be ready is that understood my dad you are the fastest runner you finished most games in hours your brother took days I respond and I also collect all the hidden items and make sure I have the extra stars he just says when will you know I respond you’re awake when I’m asleep it’ll be easier. This was his second deployment his first one that’s when it happened I was molested in class I tell my priest he just asks me if I enjoyed it I respond it’s not the first time it’s happened so if I’m telling you it’s because I thought I could trust you. He goes quiet and responds say three our fathers, two Hail Marys, and one glory be I respond not much that will do. Yet later that day I wake up angels door is gone Daemon wakes me up where is Angel. I look at Daemon I never saw you wear that clothing he just wipes the teas off. I look at him this is your first time dressing up in white him I hate wearing this clothes Angel made it for you right he just looks at me why did Angel do that. I respond don’t you remember the time you got molested again angel went into its room and plucked its feathers that why it’s so high now so none of us may reach it. But why it’s a safeguard we created for angel oh yea Angel is your favorite I respond yet we both sing for you Daemon so how is Angel my favorite? Daemon stop thinking like that I’m sorry how else am I to think when people only desire me sexually and not for who I am I look at him revert back to your first form now and I hold Daemon in my arms “you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey you never know dear how much I love you please don’t take my sunshine away.” Daemon calms down I forgot that song you sang it to your brother yet you found it remember that we both sang it to you two. Which was Angels song Daemon starts the itsybitsy spider yup after what happened to us you sang that song everytime angel felt like shattering and angel calmed down. The both of you have kept me calm thank you. Is that why you prefer to be alone? I respond I let others in they hurt me so it’s better just to be alone...