Dog Daddy
I'm mad at my dog. I know this sounds stupid, but I'm so emotionally torn between the type of 'dad' i should be, could be, want to be, and really am. Basically my dog went into the kitchen, which he's not supposed to do. I've tried really hard to teach him boundaries, which applies to more scenarios than just the kitchen, it also has to do with being able to walk off-leash, knowing the difference between the sidewalk and street, and basic training and obedience. Anyways, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and I heard the dingling of his collar travel into the kitchen. I peered out and saw him on the kitchen tile and immediately ran to discipline him. This post isn't about dog trainig, proper techniques or all that.
But it's about learning how to love someone/something. I love him, so I want what's best for him, so I want to discipline him so he'll learn and be obedient, and be a better dog because of it. But at the same time, most of me wants to just hug him and squeeze him and not treat him like a toy or personal belonging.
Where do you draw the line between love and weakness? I've been in relationships before where I've let people step all over me, because I 'loved' them. Forgiving, understanding, and always with open arms. THe sad part about being mistreated, is that it made me feel good. Because even though all this bad was happening to me, I was "so much in love" that it was "worth it" I was sacrificing my self-respect in order to prove (to myself?) that i was capable of loving so strongly and so deeply that nothing could interfere or deter me from my true feelings... not even if I failed to realized that I wasn't being loved in the same way. I still remember the feeling of this kind of love, and it hurts me to think that I let myself believe I didn't deserve better. perks of being a wallflower: "We accept the love we think we deserve"... I'm disappointed that I didn't think more of my own self in these self-depreciating relationships. And then there are times when I've played an almost 180 degree flip in character. I've been abusive in relationships. Not physically... but emotionally. And these usually weren't in romantic relationships... though there were a few. But mostly, I find myself doing this with friendships. I distance myself, I only make contact when I need something, I act like I don't need someone to lean on, to talk to, to laugh with. When I feel jealous, when I miss someone, when I'm upset, I find that I distance myself from my friends. It's my way of 'showing them that I"m strong"... resilient enough to do without them. That my life keeps going, even if they don't notice me anymore... especially if they don't need me anymore. I realize that I need a lot of attention and affection (which is probably why I love performing so much... the applause gives me a sense of validation...). And the moment that I feel the ground about to shake.. possibly shake... a momentary instability... or even the slightest hint of uneven flooring.... I bolt. So that I know this friendship ended on my terms. Not because I was left behind. Not because I was unwanted. Not because I failed as a person to be a good, entertaining, interesting friend... but because I decided it was time. Because I need control of everything. Because it's easier for me to blame myself for ending a good friendship, than to have a friendship end and me not know why. This way I don't have to ask the questions there are no easy answers to. This way I know everything, and I don't need to rely on anyone else except me. It's lonelier this way... this way of taking control. And I wish I could figure out a way to make it less instinctive.
Anyways... I'm eating dinner... and I was mad at my dog earlier. But I once read somewhere that the nice thing about having a dog is that dogs are always forgiving... always excited to see you when you get home. I guess in a healthy loving relationship... you should at the very least try to love someone in the way they deserve to be loved, in the way that they love you. I guess I'll give it a shot.