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@asailorslog
August 23rd, 1992 Tomorrow, I start my sophomore year of high school. And believe it or not, Iām really not that afraid of going. Iām not sure if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to āparticipate.ā So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that things are good with me, and even when theyāre not, they will be soon enough. And I will believe the same about you.
Love always, Charlie
August 23rd, 1992 So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
June 22nd, 1992 I want to thank you for being one of those people who listens and understands and doesnāt try to sleep with people even though you could have. I really mean it, and Iām sorry Iāve put you through this when you donāt even know who I am, and weāve never met in person, and I canāt tell you who I am because I promised to keep all those little secrets. I just donāt want you to think that I picked your name out of the phone book. It would kill me if you thought that. So, please believe me when I tell you that I felt terrible after Michael died, and I saw a girl in class, who didnāt notice me, and she talked all about you to a friend of hers. And even though I didnāt know you, I felt like I did because you sounded like such a good person. The kind of person who wouldnāt mind receiving letters from a kid. The kind of person who would understand how they were better than a diary because there is communion and a diary can be found. I just donāt want you to worry about me, or think that youāve met me, or waste your time anymore. Iām so sorry that I wasted your time because you really do mean a lot to me and I hope you have a very nice life because I really think you deserve it. I really do. I hope you do, too. Okay, then. Goodbye.
Love always, Charlie
June 22nd, 1992Ā
āCharlie, I told you not to think of me that way nine months ago because of what Iām saying now. Not because of Craig. Not because I didnāt think you were great. Itās just that I donāt want to be somebodyās crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I donāt want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I donāt like, Iāll tell them.ā
June 22nd, 1992 āCharlie, donāt you get it? I canāt feel that. Itās sweet and everything, but itās like youāre not even there sometimes. Itās great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesnāt need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You canāt just sit there and put everybodyās lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just canāt. You have to do things.ā
June 16th, 1992 Thereās something about that tunnel that leads to downtown. Itās glorious at night. Just glorious. You start on one side of the mountain, and itās dark, and the radio is loud. As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades to nothing because the waves just canāt reach. Then, youāre in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just canāt get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think youāll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it. It really is a grand entrance.
June 10th, 1992 School is terribly lonely.
April 29th, 1992 Things change. And friends leave. And life doesnāt stop for anybody.
April 18th, 1992 Something really is wrong with me. And I donāt know what it is.
Love always, Charlie
December 21st, 1991 And she kissed me. It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.
December 21st, 1991 A person, A paper, A promise by Dr Earl Reum
Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it āChopsā because that was the name of his dog And thatās what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of Xās and he had to ask his father what the Xās meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And he called it āAutumnā because that was the name of the season And thatās what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem And he called it āInnocence: A Questionā because that was the question about his girl And thatās what it was all about And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostleās Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly
Thatās why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem And he called it āAbsolutely Nothingā Because thatās what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didnāt think he could reach the kitchen.
That was the poem I read for Patrick. Nobody knew who wrote it, but Bob said he heard it before, and he heard that it was some kidās suicide note. I really hope it wasnāt because then I donāt know if I like the ending.
Love always, Charlie
December 7th, 1991 I had an amazing feeling when I finally held the tape in my hand. I just thought to myself that in the palm of my hand, there was this one tape that had all of these memories and feelings and great joy and sadness. Right there in the palm of my hand. And I thought about how many people have loved those songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope that they feel it's enough. I really do because they've made me happy. And I'm only one person.
November 15th, 1991 I just hope I remember to tell my kids that they are as happy as I look in my old photographs. And I hope that they believe me.
Love always, Charlie
October 28th, 1991 It's strange because sometimes, I read a book, and I think I am the people in the book.
November 15th, 1991 Maybe these are my glory days, and Iām not even realizing it.
October 28th, 1991 Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called āLandslide.ā When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
Love always, Charlie Ā
October 6th, 1991 She was the first girl I ever wanted to ask on a date someday when I can drive.