You made my life a happy one | Ask James

An ear for those who need it. I'll talk about my relationships, my illness, death and the afterlife. Word of wisdom and advice. Anything you need. "Remember you were loved by me..."

[ask-jamesholmes]

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[indieteen]

[ask-jamesholmes]

February 12, 2017

Sometimes emotions seem to overflow.

There’s been an insane mix in my soul and they don’t know how to organize themselves. Anger and sadness are at fighting over the wheel, while happiness in the backseat screeching about wanting a turn to drive. 

“Not yet! Not yet!” One or the other screams. “I’m not done yet!” Echos the emotions voices. Back and forth I go, from one side of the road to the other, just waiting for something to collide. 

Just let the wheel go, let it take its course. Let me be free of this grief deep inside, clutching at my heart every time the song starts. I’d rather be numb than feel like I have no control. Possessed by some unseen force, making me feel and see things that aren’t real. 

Can’t I just be numb? Is that too much to do? To let the emotions go and let myself be see-through. Transparent. No such luck. The emotions are bigger than the rest of me. Controlling me. 

Just let me be.

Please. 

[ask-jamesholmes]

Can your brothers help you ?

Well as of right now anon, I’m cancer free. Brothers have some pull, but I don’t think they can pressure a high force to let me live. Mum wouldn’t approve anyhow~

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

His brothers are also just generally unhelpful.

[ask-jamesholmes]

That’s true too. Ha!

[ask-jamesholmes]

Can your brothers help you ?

Well as of right now anon, I'm cancer free. Brothers have some pull, but I don't think they can pressure a high force to let me live. Mum wouldn't approve anyhow~

[ask-jamesholmes]

Naughty Adam

Adam: I quite like imitating Jamie's moanings and grumblings.

Me: You're being naughty and I'm torn between proud and affectionately annoyed.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Sister Mine No More

The saga of deliberate discrimination continues. 

Mother called today to give me the daily briefing as has become her practice the past few days on Suzanne and the details of their lovely new life together as a family. Suffice it to say they all are quite happy together and are getting along splendidly. They have no need of me.

She’s been opening up more and more about the details of her divorce and her life for the past two decades every day, Mother tells me. She’s admitting her stresses and her woes and her concerns and her regrets to both of our parents. She’s making up for lost time, essentially. Even my younger brother received a friendly text message. Everyone in the family is coming back together around her to welcome her home. And yet my place in all of this renewed familial love is nonexistent. 

Mother asked her about me, told her that I wished to see her.

She asked why.

When mother pressed her further, her response was apparently as follows: that she didn’t wish for me to feel sorry for her. And that was all.

Mother tells me over and over that she will continue to try to help reconciliation along, but I’ve told her not to bother. After all, I’ve been very much alright for almost twenty years with just a single brother to give any overflowing brotherly love. I feel the deepest of affections and friendliness towards him as I always have. Why dilute that for someone who would fail to appreciate it? Besides, I have a family of my own now to look after. A man’s proper place, in the end, is with his family of procreation. Looking backwards over his shoulder to his family of origin is effort centered in the wrong direction. Forward is my family. That is where I’ll be looking from now on.

[ask-jamesholmes]

She might still come around, but it’s always your decision dear. You have to do what’s best for you. Oli and I will be here to support you in whatever you decide. 

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

I don’t think she will. And besides, I’m not interested. One can’t live a life waiting on someone else. It’s unhealthy.

[ask-jamesholmes]

That’s true. We’re here for you. Pie and cuddles, for you.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Sister Mine No More

The saga of deliberate discrimination continues. 

Mother called today to give me the daily briefing as has become her practice the past few days on Suzanne and the details of their lovely new life together as a family. Suffice it to say they all are quite happy together and are getting along splendidly. They have no need of me.

She’s been opening up more and more about the details of her divorce and her life for the past two decades every day, Mother tells me. She’s admitting her stresses and her woes and her concerns and her regrets to both of our parents. She’s making up for lost time, essentially. Even my younger brother received a friendly text message. Everyone in the family is coming back together around her to welcome her home. And yet my place in all of this renewed familial love is nonexistent. 

Mother asked her about me, told her that I wished to see her.

She asked why.

When mother pressed her further, her response was apparently as follows: that she didn’t wish for me to feel sorry for her. And that was all.

Mother tells me over and over that she will continue to try to help reconciliation along, but I’ve told her not to bother. After all, I’ve been very much alright for almost twenty years with just a single brother to give any overflowing brotherly love. I feel the deepest of affections and friendliness towards him as I always have. Why dilute that for someone who would fail to appreciate it? Besides, I have a family of my own now to look after. A man’s proper place, in the end, is with his family of procreation. Looking backwards over his shoulder to his family of origin is effort centered in the wrong direction. Forward is my family. That is where I’ll be looking from now on.

[ask-jamesholmes]

She might still come around, but it’s always your decision dear. You have to do what’s best for you. Oli and I will be here to support you in whatever you decide. 

[wordsnquotes]

I’m a very private person. You don’t ask, I don’t tell.

Unknown (via wordsnquotes)

And, at times, not even then. Ha!

(via adamptor)

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Re: Sister Mine

Update.

Mum texted this morning to tell me that Suzanne will be moving back in with her and my father following her divorce. No mention of wanting to see either me or my younger brother. Mother says I still ought to be happy for them, since my sister won’t be alone anymore and can help with housework that my parents are finding to be more and more difficult. “Everybody wins,” she told me.

Is it wrong, then, to be disappointed in the fact that she still apparently doesn’t want to see her brothers? She was closer to us than our parents growing up, and she treats us as though we’re worth nothing more to her than leftover crumbs on a table. No apologies offered, no amends made. No hope of reconciliation. I suppose that this means we have almost certainly dropped out of her favor and her life, and I admit…I am deeply hurt by it. After my brother’s passing, she was the closest in age to myself. But it would seem this concept of family does not concern her. Perhaps, then, she should not concern me either.

I realise that these musings are uncharacteristically emotional and acrid coming from me. The only explication I can give is that one of the few people who have managed to bury their hooks in me is once again rattling them, and again, I am left with a wound.

[ask-jamesholmes]

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel hurt love. Got every right.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Mother acted as though it were something to take joy in, but I don’t see how so.

[ask-jamesholmes]

She wanted you to be glad they got her back, but you still don’t have her back and that hurts.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

I am glad they got her back, of course. I only wish that privilege was extended to me. It’s been over fifteen years. Nineteen, actually. I find myself impatient… It’s vexing.

[ask-jamesholmes]

I would be impatient too. That’s a long time to wait. But maybe given a little time, she’ll come around. Pride is a fickle thing.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Re: Sister Mine

Update.

Mum texted this morning to tell me that Suzanne will be moving back in with her and my father following her divorce. No mention of wanting to see either me or my younger brother. Mother says I still ought to be happy for them, since my sister won’t be alone anymore and can help with housework that my parents are finding to be more and more difficult. “Everybody wins,” she told me.

Is it wrong, then, to be disappointed in the fact that she still apparently doesn’t want to see her brothers? She was closer to us than our parents growing up, and she treats us as though we’re worth nothing more to her than leftover crumbs on a table. No apologies offered, no amends made. No hope of reconciliation. I suppose that this means we have almost certainly dropped out of her favor and her life, and I admit…I am deeply hurt by it. After my brother’s passing, she was the closest in age to myself. But it would seem this concept of family does not concern her. Perhaps, then, she should not concern me either.

I realise that these musings are uncharacteristically emotional and acrid coming from me. The only explication I can give is that one of the few people who have managed to bury their hooks in me is once again rattling them, and again, I am left with a wound.

[ask-jamesholmes]

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel hurt love. Got every right.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Mother acted as though it were something to take joy in, but I don’t see how so.

[ask-jamesholmes]

She wanted you to be glad they got her back, but you still don’t have her back and that hurts.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Re: Sister Mine

Update.

Mum texted this morning to tell me that Suzanne will be moving back in with her and my father following her divorce. No mention of wanting to see either me or my younger brother. Mother says I still ought to be happy for them, since my sister won’t be alone anymore and can help with housework that my parents are finding to be more and more difficult. “Everybody wins,” she told me.

Is it wrong, then, to be disappointed in the fact that she still apparently doesn’t want to see her brothers? She was closer to us than our parents growing up, and she treats us as though we’re worth nothing more to her than leftover crumbs on a table. No apologies offered, no amends made. No hope of reconciliation. I suppose that this means we have almost certainly dropped out of her favor and her life, and I admit…I am deeply hurt by it. After my brother’s passing, she was the closest in age to myself. But it would seem this concept of family does not concern her. Perhaps, then, she should not concern me either.

I realise that these musings are uncharacteristically emotional and acrid coming from me. The only explication I can give is that one of the few people who have managed to bury their hooks in me is once again rattling them, and again, I am left with a wound.

[ask-jamesholmes]

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel hurt love. Got every right.

[hinterland-heartsease-blog]

Sister Mine

I’ve finally something to write about that presents a somewhat interesting premise.

Growing up, I had a somewhat larger than normal family with my two brothers and older sister. My brothers and I were always closer to one another than we were with her, simply because she was older and a girl (you know how that goes, I’m sure), but we were still a fairly devoted group of siblings. However, when my sister was quite young and still in college, she met a man, fell in love, and then promptly eloped and essentially cut off all of us, her entire family. I’ve barely seen her since then, not even for Christmas or other holidays, for years. It’s put the most strain on my mother, but we all learned to deal. I’d mostly set myself to forget her existence, and my father and now only brother decidedly did the same.

Now, interestingly enough, she’s more or less come back from the edge. Not completely, mind you, as she’s still largely hesitant to speak with any of us, but she’s at least come within range to tell us that they are divorcing. It’s been a time of great confusion and at the same time great anticipation for my family. My mother is the most hopeful that my sister will fully return to our brood. They were closer than the rest of us. I, of course, am cautious, and have decided to simply wait to see what, if anything, will come of this.

Family members are so vexing.

[beatlebomb-deactivated20170-blog]

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[ask-jamesholmes]

What happened? Are you all okay?

A skeleton from Adam’s closet found us.

He’s healing from two gunshot wounds, and I just have some burns. But I’m fine. He’s healing. As far as we know the guy is gone. Police will let us know. Just kinda anxious now.

[ask-jamesholmes]

How are you and your family?

We are all over. Adam and I had a bit of trouble. So Oliver is with a family friend while we’re recovering in a hospital in France. Mostly Adam who’s recovering. That’s about all that’s new. Haven’t been able to speak to my brothers or mother in a while.

[ask-jamesholmes]

happy new years!

Happy New Year, nonny!