[assammilktea]

I need to end things

[assammilktea]

We can never be friends because we never were

I don’t see you as a friend

I couldn’t be around you, see you, and not feel like you should be mine

[assammilktea]

I need you around so bad right now

I love you

I’m sorry

I love you

[assammilktea]

I ruined my life

[assammilktea]

I ruined my life

I could’ve had you right now and I said no

I was so scared and angry still

I could’ve had you back and I ruined everything

I don’t know what to do with all these feelings for you

[assammilktea]

I can’t do this anymore

[assammilktea]

I can’t do anything right and I’m gonna fail again

[assammilktea]

You once told me you never doubted my love for you

I’m sorry that changed. I’m sorry I changed it

I couldn’t bring myself back to those feelings, I wouldn’t be able to handle it, and when you told me I had you right where I wanted you it just made me sad, I didn’t want that kind of power over you, I don’t want to be able to hurt you like that

I should’ve just communicated that but it felt scary and hard so I did nothing and expressed little and I know that was wrong

I’m always going to care

I’m always going to love you

You were my first real love, truly, and nothing can change that

I wish we could be around each other and feel okay

It’s okay if you don’t love me, or like me, or hate me, or move back and forth between all of them

I will always be open to meeting you again

I’m sorry I let you down

I hope you have a good night

I hope you have a good day tomorrow, and forever

I love you too

[assammilktea]

I gave too much to you, gave up too much for you, always have, and always would’ve just to be called apathetic

Who do you think made it that way

You don’t need to tell me that we will never be again, I already decided that for myself remember

But whatever, it’s finally finished I guess

Glad you got to keep pushing and pulling just until you could end it on your terms

[assammilktea]

[assammilktea]

Everything I try to write here now I end up deleting

I have nothing left it seems

All emotions are indistinct and inexplicable

[assammilktea]

I don’t like dating around, I don’t like making plans with people who seem alright and not wanting to follow through but doing it anyway for the “experience”

And it’s not even about not wanting to be single, at this point it scares me, the idea of being in a relationship, with how hard the last ones ended

But these other things don’t make me happy, they stress me out and make me feel unfulfilled and empty, I want to be friends with no other expectations and maybe I flirt but we know it’s not real

I don’t often feel that way towards someone, the strong desire to actually be someone’s boyfriend and not just flirt for casual entertainment

And when I do it’s hard for me to ignore anyway lol

And it’s what I’m good at, I am a good boyfriend, I enjoy being that and it does fulfill me

I’m not going to allow it to consume me anymore though, I don’t want to repeat mistakes from old relationships and I want to feel strong enough to handle whatever may happen in the next one

Whatever happens next I’m going to take it slow, I’m going to thoroughly feel and think about what I really want, what I don’t, what I may be doing out of fear

I don’t want to look too far into the future, I think that’s what’s set me up for failure in the past

I need to start trying things with me alone in mind, to follow things that will make me happy now so I don’t keep looking back with regret

And anyone who joins me will be a bonus and not a source

[landsccape]

[assammilktea]

I don’t know it just feels different this time, different from the others I’ve met, before you told me who he was, and I think I didn’t want to accept it or let this pass by, something that could be better than what I was expecting to have

[assammilktea]

Fuck I don’t want to lose you though

[assammilktea]

I can’t ignore these feelings

Not feelings of love or like or anything that I even recognize but the secondary feelings as a result of these first ones

It was the same as when I came for you despite everything and everyone fighting against me

Though I think I almost loved you already then so maybe it’s not quite the same

But it’s the feeling of needing to know what will happen

That if I don’t see, if I don’t get close enough to know maybe what could be, it will follow me forever

[mournfulroses]

Anaïs Nin, from a letter to Joaquin Nin, featured in Reunited: The Correspondence of Anais and Joaquin Nin, 1933-1940