really stupid journal-esque entry that's really whiny.
i'm suddenly seeing a bunch of drama and sly digs all up on my dash. and i'm remembering why i took that sabbatical. i don't think i really belong on this site anyways. nor on facebook. i have no internet friends anyways. actually, i really only have 4 irl friends, and one of those is my sister. and i still don't have a job, and i still need to get enrolled and shit for college. which is stupid cuz like i know several people planning on being aerospace engineers and actually in college studying it, but don't know the navier-stokes equation, let alone it's mathematical quandaries. i feel like i'm meant to do great things, but i'm not up to the challenge, and even when i'm not the one holding myself back, it's the things around me. i have an entire backlog of experiments that i want to do, and lists of lists of things i want to get done, but not even my parents will support me, and act surprised when i even mention anything 'smart'. it's all a bunch of systems, rules of games that are really easy to understand, but i feel disqualified cuz i actually understand the rules.
i hate to say this, but i sometimes feel like getting a job is beneath me. like i don't want to sell my time for money! i only have like some 500,000 hours left on this earth, why would i want to sell any one of those for 8 bucks? why would i want to work for someone else's dream?
i just feel like i'm capable of so much more than what people think of me, but everyone keeps putting me down because they think so lowly of me. like my uncle was on the phone with my mom, and he asked her what it was like to have a gay son, and she said very nice, he's planning on becoming an engineer and scientist. and my uncle just laughed. like if they don't think i'm worthless because i was expelled, or because i had emotional issues, or that i'm lazy, or that i'm my mother's son, or that i'm my father's son, then it's the fact that i'm gay, or the fact that i'm odd and always joking.
it's literally frustration in the truest sense of the psychological meaning of the word. i just really wish i could go to sleep and then wake up in Edar, my mythical land where i'm can do things, have adventure, and not have to worry about stupid systems. actually, there are still systems in Edar, like the system of how magic works, or the celestial system i made for it that allows for the 3 moons and all sorts of fun astronomical phenomena. but moreover, in Edar there's no preconceived notion of who i am, i can make a new name for myself. that name of course would be wizard extraordinaire. and i fully realize the psychological implications of my desires, that i have escapist fantasies, that i cannot deal with reality and therefore obsess over a fictional one that i created. but maybe i really can't deal with reality? at least for right now. i am still young, at a point in time when there's so much going on and so much pressure, and i don't have the best environment or circumstances to deal with. i know saying 'i'll deal with it later' will lead to me being 40 something still wanting to live in a fictional realm, but i really think that i need my coping mechanism, and at least it involves creating fantastical stories with my imagination.
i think i might delete my blog...
titsay
dededos
kianamaiart
annaxmalina
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
izzy806
