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These are the things that make me laugh, the tattoos I want, and my ridiculous thoughts and dreams

[just-shower-thoughts]

The difference between 73°F and 70°F isn’t too big of a deal for the outside temperature but on the indoor thermostat, it could cause world war III between family members/roomates

[ath-pilly-kweta]

Frustrated. I want my athletes to like and respect me, I don’t care if they “love me”. I just don’t want people to think I’m weird. And the football team is great, it’s like, they know I’m weird, but they don’t care, they still like me, and I also know they’re weird. Neither of us are shocked by the things the other does, if that makes sense. But with the female athletes, I’m just not good at connecting. And I dread it because I just feel like they think I’m weird, which is honestly a bigger issue than being “liked”. I don’t think any of them hate me, I just think that I’m a little eccentric and don’t fit in with them...and it makes me so nervous because I was always a weird girl, and I hated being that in high school. I hated feeling like that in college too, at some points. Oh and, I really fucking hate being compared, especially when it’s to someone they really liked. Especially when it’s someone I don’t like. It drives me insane and makes me honestly terrified to even be around them.

And now I’m fearful of tomorrow. I’m actually dreading it. Fuck.

[ath-pilly-kweta]

A few months ago I watched the entirety of Sex and the City, including the movies lol, and I got really weirdly depressed about my relationship. It was strange...it just made me think about it too much. Anyway I just watched the episode where Carrie moves in with Aidan and she just freaks out that he’s there because it’s a lot...and she eventually asks him to just give her an hour of time where they don’t talk. Because she has needs. And he just says ok. And I have to have a similar convo soon where I ask for something that I need and I hope that he will just say ok. I have a lot of hope. But it’s the first time in a very very long time I’ve thought of my needs and thought of what to say and I just am scared because...it’s never gone very well. But there’s always a first for everything and he’s shown me over and over he cares for me and I trust him.

[ath-pilly-kweta]

For years my BMI said I was overweight, but I also knew I had a lot of muscle and I was an athlete and I ignored it. Now I’m not so sure what’s happening...I had to take a month off from working out because I’m concussed and...I honestly feel like shit. Mentally, physically, and my body image issues have finally caught up to me...I’m actually worried my boyfriend will care that I’m a little pudgier than when we first met. I mean, I plan on losing weight. But I also want to enjoy my vacation in Europe where it’s only been 5 days of eating out and the sodium and carbs do NOT feel good (and there are 8 more days of this lol). And I’ll be going back home to Utah like a week after I get home to my parents house...and I guess the first time I see him will be then and it’s not like you can lose that much weight in a week. I saw pictures of myself from 2 years ago, “progress pics”. I had less muscle overall...but also less fat. I had some ab definition (this is where most of my fat collects), but overall I actually kinda sorta had hips. And now, yeah, my back is wider in muscular terms...but I just feel like I look gross and I’m so angry at myself. Not for letting myself “get this way”...I think. But for caring. Idk. It’s a struggle. And when I get anxious about this stuff I eat more and I hate it. Ugh. Time to sleep. And also lots of fruit and salads and chicken/seafood tomorrow and having better self control. Maybe a break from pasta for a day.

[ath-pilly-kweta]

My last and only official relationship lasted just around 8-9 months and I’m hitting that point now and I’m more scared of messing it up more than anything and it’s scary being 2,000 miles away and then I’ll be across the pond for 2 weeks too and I’m just worried and scared which is ridiculous because I’m freaking moving in with him and I like him a lot and I know he likes me but there’s always part of me that expects the worst and I know when we have bad days we react differently where he shrinks away and I cling harder to my favorite people and he’s one of them so it’s really hard because I have no clue what I’m doing. Just a little glimpse into my head 👍🏼

[ath-pilly-kweta]

Why is this shit so fucking real lol. We all know you’re capable of responding to all of it... 🤦🏻‍♀️

[remanence-of-love]

[ath-pilly-kweta]

I tried a new medication for my concussion that helps with headaches and nervous/anxious feelings. And the first one I took was great...but it made me infuriatingly angry and emotional. I could also be really tired, but it just made me feel not-right and that makes me very overly emotional. And now I’m frustrated because I can’t really tell anyone what’s going on because it’s weird and idk I guess I can’t take it anymore.

[leoreturns-deactivated20110811]

I have been waiting all year to post this.

[tumboner]

omg

[merspers]

This has been in my queue for months.

[mcgooglykins]

I missed it last year and I vowed that would NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

[thatsoundsprettynice]

YES

[xbstnmnr-deactivated20241116]

omg i didnt reblog this last year!

[ath-pilly-kweta]

You ever meet someone so hypocritical that you’re not even angry or annoyed, you’re just appalled and shocked and surprised and confused and then you almost start to laugh about it? Lol, yeah. How dare you for a second even pretend to be pushing for females to do well in the world or even in the profession? Where do you get your audacity to be so horrible from? It’s so easy to not be a dumbass in this sense...but it’s so much harder for everyone else to repair the damage. Fuck, I am PISSED. BUT ALSO, SLIGHTLY LAUGHING because nothing in this profession is ever a secret. God, I hate people so much.

[ath-pilly-kweta]

I’ve realized that a lot of men read about half the things we text them, and then they respond to half of those things. Lol. Of course accepting that is another whole thing but...this is a clear signal that I again need to work on being by myself, but also standing up for myself and saying hey, I have these needs. But I’m struggling right now in general and being emotional about a lot of things so I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. I mean, yesterday was a big day for him. And he likes to be alone a lot more than I do. And he’s at a 2-day training thing. So essentially still at work. It’s hard because his work schedule is basically exactly the same every weekend, but it’s definitely draining. My schedule is whatever the fuck it wants to be (as in, I have no control over it), and also draining...but even when I’m on the job I get some down time to myself. But it’s not an excuse. I’m having trouble asking him to give me just a little more because.....what if it makes him run far, far away? And besides, I don’t know what is more? I’ve realized I need to be more specific. And also...I know I tend to cling to people in times of high anxiety. High anxiety = lots of physical discomfort which = more anxiety so it’s a whole cycle. I can’t find the balance and I can’t figure out what I really want because I’m concerned I’m acting too emotionally and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

Yeah, that’s what goes on in my head...it’s just taken me 1-2 years to trust people in the past (friends and relationships and such) and I struggle because I’m like 100% on all the time and I don’t know many people who are and it scares me when they aren’t. But no one will ever fully understand me...it’s not that I have to compromise, it’s just something to accept. And trust. I have to trust.

Emotions are not facts, they are information. And I’m getting information that...I am tired, exhausted, drained, confused, anxious, worried, did I mention tired? Sleep first. Decrease the possibility of making a stupid decision 👍🏼

[ath-pilly-kweta]

My personality type is some type of stupid because I completely always forget that other people aren’t the same as me. We don’t all live our lives the same way. We don’t all de-stress the same way. We don’t all do our own things the same way. I just panic when things change even for a second. I forget that we don’t all have good days and I forget that I don’t need to cling so hard to people I’m scared of losing because all I’ll do is push them away.

[hanajibu]

[ath-pilly-kweta]

We need to normalize non-painful pelvic tilts. You don’t always have to fix them. Not everything is bad. There are no absolutes with human bodies, except that they are/can be strong and resilient.

As consumers of knowledge/information I think we all need to take everything we see online with a grain of salt. I’m not great at it either but overall I think social media “fitness” people need to be more responsible for what they post online because so much of it is just a crock of shit.

[ath-pilly-kweta]

So today I had some jackass park me into my double parking spot (like it’s normally me and my roommate so obviously we have each other’s keys), and then I think I got food poisoning from Panda Express, and then my fucking apartment complex decided to throw a party for the residents (bc it’s basically a dorm) even though they have quiet hours, and also, what fucking dorm throws a loud ass party until 12:15am? NO ONE. NO ONE DOES THAT. SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE DIE BECAUSE I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO, that is all. Cool, cool, see ya tomorrow in 5 hours, world. Can’t wait to do a 9 hour volleyball tournament sandwiched by 1.5 hour drives done by yours truly.

This is not really burnout...it’s just being really really unlucky and tired and being around some of the worst people. And ya know what, I can include myself on the list. I’m so so tired and I’m not going to catch a break for like...a month. Maybe two weeks. I’m gonna go maybe vomit my guts out, cool.

[extramadness]

[ath-pilly-kweta]

And recently I’ve realized that the only thing that matters is how you act after you realize you’ve done something wrong or stupid or silly. Explaining yourself and trying to talk it out is helpful to yourself sometimes, but sometimes what’s most helpful for others is seeing you change your actions and actively do better. Explaining yourself doesn’t mean you’re going to change...but if you change your actions and behaviors...that’s change.