"чистота"

Journaling the things my brain meat won't leave me alone about on this old dead website

[nekrosmos]

My turn to make silly little memes

Part 2 / Part 3

[nodensart]

Be my mirror... tell, how you see me?

Astarion is the vampire of my heart. I adore his voice, I adore his gestures, I adore how much work the writers did to show his character so multifaceted and touch on psychology. I love to appreciate and anger Astarion. And I understand all those who admire him or cannot tolerate on their team!

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

This stupid 2D vampire is making me absolutely feral. Could it have something to do with how much my actual life lacks anything close to this? Possibly. Could it be that it speaks to the exact kind of roleplay I did for years and was basically the only sexual contact I had for those years because it was just…sooo much more fulfilling than real people could ever hope to be? Probably. Am I completely weird ? Undoubtedly. But I’m glad other people are losing their fucking minds too, makes me feel less odd for how much of a vice grip this mf has on my feelings in my heart and the fire in my loins 💀 Bestie I’m feeling real life feelings for pixels again, sigh.

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

Yknow I also wish we had our own place for work purposes too. People are not buying my content as much anymore because I literally can barely do anything. I can’t use anything beyond a bullet vibes for because everything else is too loud..I can’t fill in a different room or in the bath tub or anything period so I never have a change of scenery and I have the same spot on the bed or the chair to work with over and over again. I can’t really talk to the camera unless I get close and talk really low to the speaker because I’ll also be heard, can’t fake moan at all cuz it’ll be heard. It’s hard as fuck to sneak to the bathroom with my toys to clean them off because I could get caught carrying them :’) like. I can barely make any content. It’s so frustrating lol. Me & my bf couldn’t even have any very interesting sex cuz it’ll be too loud like. I just wanna do whatever wherever whenever and not have to fucking be worried about being quiet :^)

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

lmaaooooo them titties saggin and parted like the Red Sea

almost as awful to look at as that lumpy cellulite ass, do us a favor and just stop Lmao some desperate ass mfs will throw money at anything that’s easy enough

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

I’m always so worried someone will somehow find my account again even tho I’m definitely massively shadow banned

like I literally just vent here. I have BPD man I HAVE to have somewhere to put all my thoughts good or bad that I don’t actually want to share with people I know. I can’t write very good because of my carpal so it’s like..idk my dead tumblr account seemed okay to kinda “journal” in. But idk. If anyone that matters ever reads, just know I’m just venting and nothing I say is anything I ever know is fact. I’m just a scary ass bitch and if I don’t say my stupid thoughts in some way they’ll never go away. It’s easier than depending on others to help me.

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

I hope your lumpy ass gets hit by a fucking bus. Or go be a gross whore in another state or something 🤷🏻‍♀️

[dissygif]

[esclave-pr-dom]

💞

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

How lucidly I dream can be bittersweet. I dreamt we went on a walk in the woods today, and you held my hand. I was shocked even in there but it was so happy.

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

Oh, those cold dark eyes. How they move me.

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

And it’s just that. You did so much. It was nothing to you to do them either, it was just normal. From the “it’s a part of you” statement, to how you’d always made sure I’d eaten, and you never got upset with me if I couldn’t finish much sometimes. You were just happy I ate what I could. To paying things for me even though I didn’t need you to. Bringing home little gifts because you saw something you knew I liked. Taking care of me when I was sick or even just hungover. You went out of your way just to bring me some soup, and electrolyte drinks. Cuddled me tightly and covered me in kisses even if what I had might’ve been contagious. You held my hand anywhere we went..I didnt have to ask. You just held it out for me because you wanted it entwined with yours. It was all the stupid little things, the simple stupid things I’ve had to beg anyone else to do even a fraction of. Was just..normal to you. I’m supposed to just be okay and move on with the absence of that bond. But every little thing you did as if it were effortless gestures, it meant the fucking world to me. Nobodies ever cared for me like that. I don’t think I could let anyone else either now. It would remind me of you, and all that I lost the day you left me. How am I supposed to go on, when everything makes me think of you? When even if I like it, it will still make me fall apart because it’s coming from the wrong person? You are stitched into every inch of my body, every corner of my mind. I can’t understand how after all of that, I still lost you. I thought you were it for me. Id found my person. I found my forever. I found the person who just felt right. Like home. This eviction feels like a death sentence. Now home is a big, empty, cold space. And I can’t let anyone else enter through its doors. All I ever see..is you. Every fucking thing makes me think of you. You took most of me with you when you left. I can’t replace all those missing pieces. Those don’t grow back. I guess, I don’t want them to either. Not this time. I love you, Jon. Forever.

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

You know, I don’t think you know how many things meant so much to me. The bond and comfort I have with you is something intense. But one thing I could mention, is when I’d shared my thing with my feet with you. You didn’t even blink at it. “It’s a part of you” you said. As if to you, it was me, the person you love, something I liked and a piece of my body that most would find gross, it wasn’t even a question to you. I’ve never had that. We hardly had boundaries..I felt the same. I’d do anything, touch anywhere, because it was you. It was different with you. Saying that to me was one of the things that made me fall so hard for you. I’ve been denied a lot, almost shamed for silly things I wanted to do or liked. But you didn’t care at all. I liked it, therefore you liked it. Because it was me. Youll never know how much such a small statement and action meant to me. It was so much more than just a sexual act. I don’t think I could ever let anyone else touch me that way.

[waking-hell]

Bad Omens // Miracle

[b0rderl1n3gh0ul13]

It’s not fair that I’m the one who always takes the hit. My absence will never bother people the way theirs does to me. Nobody loves me like that. I just wanted to be loved.

[machetelanding]

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)

[jellymonstergrrrl]

Hellraiser (1987) dir. Clive Barker

[traumatizeddfox]