Ballads and Blueprints

Music played with a pen

[balladsandblueprints]

Tumbling

Lately I feel like I'm holding myself inside

Like being upright is the only way the pieces stay together

Taped up, not quite fitting

Some jammed in because I couldn't find their place

At the moment my days consistently feel like I'm three seconds step from another mistake

Something else I do wrong

Something else I can't focus on

And they always say the same thing, in the same tone

don't stress about it

It's not worth worrying when you can't change it

But you don't see that some things I can

You don't listen when you speak you only hear what's coming out.

You don't listen when I speak sometimes either

You see the words coming out and you give the same reply

But it's not helping.

I can't talk to you now.

You ask the questions.

But you know I don't reply.

Because I know that I can't

It's a show isn't it

You don't want to take care of me when I'm breaking

When the glue gets less sticky

And the tape has been peels to far

And I lean down for a second

Only a second.

But thats all that was needed before the pieces tumbled out.

I scratch at the floor desperately

Trying to shove them back in, anyway they go

Anywhere they might fit

And some break a little more

And others find new homes

But I laugh, I'm tired you know

We use that excuse a lot to each other

Don't misunderstand please.

I don't think I'll find a better match

I don't think I can do better or that I'm unhappy.

I just I wish I could talk to you

Like you think I can

But I know, I remember sitting on the couch that night when you told me

I remember the look on your face

You tried to smother your anger and disappointment

I saw it all.

My hands shaking so much, the water you gave me might have spilt out had you filled the glass anymore

I didn't want to drink it

I could feel my stomach churning

A pit, a hard ball of anxiety of fear

Had I made an irrevocable mistake?

Did I ruin everything, again?

I always do

You said you don't want to be my nurse

You don't want to be dragging me from the depths

You've seen it, you've been there before with others

Not girlfriends, I'm your first

But family, I know

You don't want that with me

So now I hold my breath

Now I stop my voice

Now I hide my tears

Now I hide

From you

Often I want to reach out

Say I'm having a bad day

Tell you I think I need help

But I remember your face, from the couch

I remember my hands shaking.

The feeling of impossibleness inside me

The low of being another mistake

And I retreat

I hold back

And I see myself using the same excuse you do, everyone does,

When they can't talk

Don't want to talk

And I say

"I'm just tired"

[balladsandblueprints]

The Tornado

I'm a walking disaster

A tornado through a town

It took a while to reach full mas

But then I tore everything down

The strong winds were a little alarming

But you were sure you could battle through

For a while maybe wondering

If I would pass over you

You batten down the hatches

Thinking just in case

Never truly expecting

The chaos I brought to your place

Everything got darker

And I hadn't touched the ground

Only a vortex spiriling,

I was more out of control then I sound

My mistakes got bigger and bigger

And the tornado of me grew

Hoping it would change direction

You stayed to carry through

But I hit the floor still spinning

Mistakes all on display

I came crashing into houses

Feeling lost in every way

I wanted to control the damage

I swear I've tried to improve

But things about tornados is they can't stop just because you want them too

I am a tornado

Wrecking everything abound

A natural born disaster

Don't let me stick around

[balladsandblueprints]

Nothing screams quite so loud or burns the heart quite so much as the void from "I love you" when there's no answer back.

[balladsandblueprints]

I'm afraid to ask if you still love me, because I'm petrified your answer is 'I don't know'

[balladsandblueprints]

Human beings are naturally self destructive. Why else would we fall in love?

Oriole

[balladsandblueprints]

It's a Tuesday, and you tell yourself, you never liked Tuesdays. So you wait for Thursday but it comes and goes until Tuesday is here again. And you tell yourself, you never liked Tuesdays"

Oriole

[balladsandblueprints]

I knew you were never going to love me, but I somehow convinced myself that was okay…

Oriole

[balladsandblueprints]

Don't tell anyone about your depression, no one will love you when they find out. They won't love you, because you, don't love yourself

Things my mother told me, that now I think are true

[balladsandblueprints]

Tonight, I drank to forget but instead, I only remembered.

Letters from a sore soul

[balladsandblueprints]

I'm at the point again where I feel unlovable, where over the past four years everyone I've wanted or been interested in found a reason not to stay. I don't blame them, though. But all I can do is stand there after four years of being of unwanted and ask "what's wrong with me?"

Questions I never got to ask

[balladsandblueprints]

It’s not just loosing you, it’s all the space in between. It’s wondering who to text at 2am because I can’t sleep, or who I can ask to come over because it’s been a shit day and I need company. It’s the fear that from now on, the only people I’ll like are the ones who don’t like me back

All I wanted was to not get hurt again

[balladsandblueprints]

It is not concieted to take and share photos of yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to show the world you feel beautiful

Oriole

[balladsandblueprints]

Things I'll Never Say

I am a romance novel. Always read, and always shared, but never kept.

[balladsandblueprints]

Things I Never Say

I am an open book, you never have to question what I'm thinking and feeling, all my chapaters are on display. But you are closed, sharing only sentences at a time, it takes a lifetime to understand you. I tried to pry you open but found only blank pages inside.

[balladsandblueprints]

He's a really Super guy

[balladsandblueprints]

Fire Twirling fun at Uni

[jessipalooza]

I think we all have that one Ghibli movie that is our Ghibli movie.

[tredhd]

Kiki’s Delivery Service

[kaylapocalypse-deactivated20201]

Spirited away. That soundtrack bruv

[thegirlwhocrieswolf]

Princess Mononoke

[balladsandblueprints]

The Cat Returns