Tumbling
Lately I feel like I'm holding myself inside
Like being upright is the only way the pieces stay together
Taped up, not quite fitting
Some jammed in because I couldn't find their place
At the moment my days consistently feel like I'm three seconds step from another mistake
Something else I do wrong
Something else I can't focus on
And they always say the same thing, in the same tone
don't stress about it
It's not worth worrying when you can't change it
But you don't see that some things I can
You don't listen when you speak you only hear what's coming out.
You don't listen when I speak sometimes either
You see the words coming out and you give the same reply
But it's not helping.
I can't talk to you now.
You ask the questions.
But you know I don't reply.
Because I know that I can't
It's a show isn't it
You don't want to take care of me when I'm breaking
When the glue gets less sticky
And the tape has been peels to far
And I lean down for a second
Only a second.
But thats all that was needed before the pieces tumbled out.
I scratch at the floor desperately
Trying to shove them back in, anyway they go
Anywhere they might fit
And some break a little more
And others find new homes
But I laugh, I'm tired you know
We use that excuse a lot to each other
Don't misunderstand please.
I don't think I'll find a better match
I don't think I can do better or that I'm unhappy.
I just I wish I could talk to you
Like you think I can
But I know, I remember sitting on the couch that night when you told me
I remember the look on your face
You tried to smother your anger and disappointment
I saw it all.
My hands shaking so much, the water you gave me might have spilt out had you filled the glass anymore
I didn't want to drink it
I could feel my stomach churning
A pit, a hard ball of anxiety of fear
Had I made an irrevocable mistake?
Did I ruin everything, again?
I always do
You said you don't want to be my nurse
You don't want to be dragging me from the depths
You've seen it, you've been there before with others
Not girlfriends, I'm your first
But family, I know
You don't want that with me
So now I hold my breath
Now I stop my voice
Now I hide my tears
Now I hide
From you
Often I want to reach out
Say I'm having a bad day
Tell you I think I need help
But I remember your face, from the couch
I remember my hands shaking.
The feeling of impossibleness inside me
The low of being another mistake
And I retreat
I hold back
And I see myself using the same excuse you do, everyone does,
When they can't talk
Don't want to talk
And I say
"I'm just tired"















