âhello,â the dark lord said, âi need a library card.â
âeveryone needs a library card,â the librarian said brightly, sliding a form across the desk. âfill this out.â
the dark lord produced her own elaborately plumed quill from the depths of her robes and scrawled her name in handwriting that was completely illegible but seemed to whisper the secrets of the dark from the blinding white page. âyes, but i need mine in order to take over the tri-kingdom area.â
the librarianâs polite smile barely faltered. âfunny, the last dark lord to try that didnât bother with a card.â
âyes, and do you see that fool currently ruling our kingdom? no. of course not. utterly ridiculous, to attempt to take over any size country without a library card, much less an intermediate-sized one like this.â she accepted the thin plastic card with a gracious flourish of her gloved hand.
the librarian, adding the new cardâs number to the database, privately agreed, but chose not to say anything.
the librarian balanced the pile of pulled books under one elbow and held the list of call numbers in their hand for easy consultation. âintermediate spell casting for grades three and four,â they murmured, running fingers along the peeling spines until they found it. âwilling to bet thatâs sorrelâs request.â
they fit the large, paperbound book under their elbow and moved on, checking the list again. âmagical creatures encyclopedia, L through M. thatâs jackaby trying to finish the entire set by midsummer.â they would get that one last to carry it around the shortest amount of time.
ânext â the complete guide to raising the dead.â they paused in front of the row of shelves with the right call numbers. they could guess the requester of that one too, but knew better than to say it out loud.
the return slot thunked loudly as it swung open and closed, having swallowed the returned books with a wet gulp.
âgood morning,â the dark lord said pleasantly as she looked up from sliding her books in â or as pleasantly as âgood morningâ could sound when it was uttered by a voice that sounded like gravel being chewed to pieces by the jaws of a large monster.
âit is, very,â the librarian said crisply, conjuring a clean handkerchief for the still-slobbering return slot.
the mouth just visible under the dark lordâs enormous cloak hood curved into a scytheâs blade smile, but she said nothing else.
âdid you enjoy your books?â the librarian asked, since she wasnât moving and there were no other people waiting (most likely because of the dark lord standing there).
the hood nodded up and down. âextremely. especially the taped lecture by doctor dramidius ardorius of the dark arts institute.â
âwell, we have many more taped lectures. i especially recommend the one on the healing powers of tea.â they tilted their head in a now get out sign. the poor steam-powered self-checkout contraption would get overheated if people were too scared to check out at the front desk.
they didnât really expect the dark lord to take the recommendation seriously, but the next day they noticed the cloaked, hooded specter glide out the door with the taped lecture on magic-infused herbal teas tucked between a CD of dark chants and a step-by-step art book on drawing occult symbols.
âyou give good recommendations,â the dark lord said with a shrug when the librarian raised their eyes from the front deskâs computer to the shadows of her hood.
the librarian wasnât sure what to say. âyou seem to take up quite a lot of my time.â
âiâm only a simple library patron,â the dark lord replied in a saintly voice that resembled a dragon coughing up a partially digested house. âdo you enjoy mermaid song?â
âyes. you can find the libraryâs collection in the CD section over there.â they looked pointedly back down at the computer.
âi hear thereâs a concert on the shore tomorrow evening.â
âperhaps weâll get a recording of it.â
the dark lord continued taking out books on various unsavory topics. the librarian continued suggesting books on healing, positive thinking, and community service. the dark lord seemed more amused with each visit. her smile was almost charming, once you got past the long, sharp teeth.
the librarian was trying to go about their usual morning ritual of pulling books that had been requested the night before, but the dark lord wouldnât stop making faces at them from behind gaps in the shelves. she seemed to find it hilarious. the librarian hadnât decided yet if they were amused or annoyed.
âooh, look at this,â the dark lord said, pulling a sturdy but beaten up board book featuring a werewolf mid-transformation on the cover from the shelf. âthis was my favorite when i was just a little menace.â
âsomehow iâm not surprised.â
the dark lord tucked the book into the ridiculous basket made of a large skull that floated alongside her. âdidnât you have a favorite picture book when you were little?â
âBarker the Sentient Book End,â the librarian said promptly. âi screamed for it every night until someone read it to me, long after iâd already memorized each page.â
the dark lord cooed, sounding like a cross between an owl and something eating an owl. âadorable. i knew you had a little monster in you somewhere.â
the librarian crossly debated denying being a monster at all or pointing out they had actual kraken blood in them.
they should have guessed how close the dark lord was from how good her mood was, but it wasnât until they arrived at work on monday that the librarian heard the news.
âthe newest dark lord managed to overthrow the faeyrie monarchy last night. something about combining traditional herbal spells with a newfangled mental magic based on the power of willful thinking⌠or something. the news reporter mentioned the use of mermaid song in a mild kind of mind control, i think? i wasnât listening. the good news is, our budget stays in place.â
the librarian contemplated hurling the can of bookmarks across the room, but concluded that it would be both unprofessional and unsatisfying. they settled for aggressively stamping returned, only slightly saliva-covered books with red ink.
the phone clicked loudly. âpublic library, how can i help you?â
âby taking my offer,â the dark lord said, slightly hesitant voice like a rock slide that wasnât sure it was ready to slide. âthe royal library in the capital needs a new head librarian.â
âwhyâs that?â the librarian spun in their new swivel chair, tangling the phone cord while they were at it, thinking they wouldnât want to leave so soon after getting it.
there was a cough like the ocean spitting out a new island. âerm, hmm, last one got⌠eaten. tragic. these things happen when youâre very, very small, you know.â
âso iâve heard.â the librarian stretched the phone cord and watched it bounce back. âwell, iâm happy where i am.â
âwell.â her voice was more disappointed than theyâd expected. âitâs a very nice library, you know. large selection of mermaid song in the CD section.â
âthe royal library is part of our system. i can request any materials from there that i want to be delivered here.â
a pause. the dark lord had not considered this. âwell, maybe iâll take the royal library out of the system.â
âyou wouldnât dare disrupt the workings of our very intricate library system set up at the dawn of time.â
âfine. i wouldnât.â
the librarian swiveled some more, wrapping the cord around with them until it ran out of give and spun them in the other direction. âwould you like to grab a coffee sometime?â
âyes,â the dark lord said, voice too surprised to resemble anything in particular. âi can travel down meet you tomorrow morning.â
âdonât you have things to do?â
they could sense the shrug from the other end of the line. âiâll move the capital to your town. i can do that, you know. iâm the supreme ruler of the tri-kingdom area.â
âyes,â the librarian agreed, un-spinning to return the phone to its cradle. âjust donât forget who gave you the library card.â
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