the signs as john mulaney quotes
aries: Here’s a story I once heard about me taurus: It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them gemini: Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it cancer: This might as well happen leo: I’m a little fat girl virgo: Detective! We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway! Mmm… Gross. Mop it up! libra: I always thought quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be scorpio: No one knows what you’re talking about, you idiot! sagittarius: In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin capricorn: “John, that bathroom’s been closed for FORTY YEARS" aquarius: I’ll keep all my emotions right here.. and then one day, I’ll die pisces: Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day.
