Coffee

This is a 100% vent blog. Tw for everything MINORS DNI

[black-coffee-squared]

Get To Know Me!

since some people asked, heres a proper get to know me post!

Name: Coffee or Kof (obvi not my real name, that's a tad to risky lol)

Age: 18!

Fave color: Olive green

Work: I am a part time librarian

Dis orders:

3d:

(formerly) atypical 4n4, M1a, (currently) arfid, OSFED

gen psych/neuro:

autism, USSOPD (aka the "idk why ur hearing stuff" diorder)

Physical issues: nerve damage (I'm a wheeler now lol)

Languages: Russian, Ukranian, English

Religion: jewish reform kabbalist with slavic influences

Hobbies: reading (duh), writing, drawing

Current fave musical artist: Joanna Newsom

Aesthetic: Dark Academia

Fave show: SPN, gravity falls, Hannibal (my wheelchair is literally covered in pins of these shows) , metal family (I got both the posters, both the books, and a sticker sheet of Chez <3)

Guilty Pleasure: Chiikawa (ik it's for kids but its lowkey really charming lol)

Weird interest: insects. entomology is my special interest lol <3

Fave video games: Fran bow, the whole rusty lake series, disco elysium (got some prints from an artist i love who made fanart recently <3)

[black-coffee-squared]

Been so depressed ive been hand washing like... a pair of shirt, a pair of underwear, and a pair of pants for the past MONTH 😱

Finally feeling good enough to go to thw laundremat anf wash my wholeeee closet.

Ive been like, only eating soup since its passover and i think this will just become my diet now.

Easier to pvrg3 anyway lol

[black-coffee-squared]

I think imma go on a soup diet

Soups are great cuz like, they taste so good but barely have stuff in them!

Like, the heaviest soup I like (borscht) has like…. What, 200 kcals per bowl?

And it’s so filling, too!

Lmk if yall want me to drop my borscht recipe in the description lol

[black-coffee-squared]

my scale stopped working so i paniced ordered a new one, only to realize its just the batteries.

now I have two slabs of metal to call me fat.

Neat!

[black-coffee-squared]

You should make a get to know me. You seem Interesting😭

it is up now \ ^-^ /

[black-coffee-squared]

I am filthy. I can barely walk and I am filthy and disgusting and fat and I cant walk and my hands dont work and nothing works and I hate it

even typing this hurts

they say its not related but i know it is.

its devine punishment for my glutney

its what i deserve

i will never eat again I promise

[black-coffee-squared]

Haven’t posted in a while since I’m in the process of moving out

Dw I’m still just as mentally ill

[black-coffee-squared]

One day, things will get better, maybe.

I mean, I’m moving out soon. Government funded since I’m going to do national service for the next 2 years.

I’m those 2 years, I will have no one breathing down my neck to eat.

That would be nice.

[black-coffee-squared]

Yall ever ACCIDENTALLY reboot something to ur vent blog??? Omg I am gonna throw up THEY DIDNT KNOW GUYS WTH

[black-coffee-squared]

I think about recovery, than I think about how I may lose a part of myself.

And that scares me.

I’m scared I’ll be different.

I don’t want to be different.

What if no one I love will recognize me as me anymore?

What if I’ll be such a different person, my boyfriend won’t even know who I am?

I’ll look about the same, but my inside-

My soul will be different

That scares me

[black-coffee-squared]

im drawing myself again for the first time in years.

I get nervous looking at myself for so long. it freaks me out so, SO bad.

but its a great destruction from food ig

[black-coffee-squared]

binged for the first time in ages 2day, we all know where all that ended up in regardless.

IDK what came over me, I was doing SO WELL.

but the important lesson is that just cuz I fell doesnt mean I cant get up. I am not going to binge again, and I am not giving up. hunger is my friend. I NEED hunger to feel alive. its hunger that I seek, love, cherish, worship.

not fat. not food. not even skinniness. just... hunger.

hunger, my beloved friend.

[black-coffee-squared]

My issue isn’t impulse control, it’s that my dad was a pred and s3xualized me eating and wanted to give me curves “faster” since the age of six so he assault me better. My issue is that food will always be inherently dirty in my eyes.

[black-coffee-squared]

The horror people experience when they discover I have an ed but do not aspire for straight up thinness, just max self destruction. I am not anorexic, I have an unspecified feeding / eating disorder aka UFED. I feel like that might be what some of the people who come onto this platform are going thru initially but they just zero in on anorexia because it’s the most visually appealing ED.

Like look at the tags we have- most of them have something to do with Ana specifically. It’s important to understand that when we ask ourselves why so many teens are in here. Why there are so many 13,12, sometimes even 11 year olds on this side of tumblr. We NEED to understand that.

You can aestheticize your disorder. I do it too. But FUCK you need to make sure kids don’t interact with it or at the very least make sure that people know that this is a coping mechanism and doesn’t reflect reality.

Not only that, but I WANT to recover i am just not ready. You can’t force recovery.

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I will actually fight all the Ed girls I was friends with during 2020 who bullied fat people.

I was friends with them only cuz they made me feel ashamed.

Nowadays im more angry they created more people with EDs. This shit stuck

It’s been 7 years and I STILL can’t get rid of it.

I hate it,

I hate being sick I don’t want to be sick.

I want to recover. My boyfriends loves me and my body, I find fat guys insanely attractive.

I should loose weight in a healthy way. I don’t even want to be skin and bones

But man does starving work as a form of SH.

It hurts, it’s destructive, but best of all- it’s quiet.

A snake wrapping slowly around my waste.

[black-coffee-squared]

I may have an ED but I DO NOT hate fat people. I am a fat person. my ED isnt inherently about my skinniness either, i dont think I actually want to be skin and bones. its about control, self harm, and self destruction. I am so tired of being grouped in with 16 year old coquette girls. no shade to them but I am a hairy trans guy who is pretty masc. EDs have many forms.

This is why i tag my posts with $H. I used to be a major fucking cvtter yall.

this is also aimed at some of the creeps with urls like "thindollfucker" and shit like that. babes I am a MAN. An (almost) grown one as well, fuck off

[black-coffee-squared]

TW for TMI (poop talk)

I may or may not be experiencing refeedijg syndrome?

Idk my stomach hurts and my shit is actual fucking liquid and explosive and I wanna throw up.

Stupid fucking bread.