Feeling Stuck | Notes by Nellmaria
I typically do not share personal emotions on my blog simply because I hold the idea that this a safe space for black girls and non-conforming identities as well as any other black people. A cybernetic space that gives information and peace to our race, however I realize that I am perpetuating a huge stereotype and pitfall of our people by doing so. Mental health is taboo in most black homes and it is easily written off as u gratefulness, overdramaticism, and disrespect However, the feelings and emotional struggles of black people are indeed valid and worthy of conversation.
Last night, I spoke on the phone to my friends from high school and as we're all catching up, we start talking about college and future plans. If anyone knows me, they know how much I love school and learning about the world around me. As we're sharing our post-grad plans and major life updates, I realized that I was uncharacteristically quiet. I didn't add anything to the conversation and I was never asked to join in. My friends know my situation with college and they have heard me rant about the unfairness of it all. I have cried and screamed over it for almost three years so I wasn't surprised when no one asked me what I had planned or how I have been, academically. Sure, I could've easily inserted myself into the conversation but I felt out of place. As if speaking would disrupt the balance of the mood and I would be outcast. This feeling, I realized soon after ending my call and calling my best friends immediately after, is rooted heavily in self-pity and FOMO.
My situation is unique but it isn't the worst. That said, it is still stressful and gets me teary eyed every time I think about the events leading up to where I am now. All of my friends are advancing at rapid paces with plans, goals and dreams and I have given them immense support, continously. Although, I do feel stuck and left behind. I have a friend who mentioned she was dabbling in starting a business and has been working towards that. I know I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but to feel a sting to my heart when the group started cheering for her and I suddenly remembered how deafly silent they were about me starting my business. Another friend of mine is considering venturing out into the world to pursue her dreams and while she is my greatest friend and platonic soul mate, I can't deny how sharp the cut felt when she mentioned moving out with someone else when we had discussed living together.
I know that my friends love me and care about me. I am very excited for their next steps in life. Yet, I feel so inadequate compared to them and it has caused me great stress and anxiety. I want so badly to be able to share something positive happening with me but besides this blog, my new job, and a fish: nothing in the last 3 years has been exciting. I feel alone and stuck. I am 20, and I know that life is just starting but I feel so beat down. Progress is subjective but I feel very stagnant.
In closing, I just wanted to share my emotions and struggles in a hope to encourage other black people to vocalize their own personal battles. It's okay to vulnerable now and again. Thank you all for reading and my next post will be chapter two of Twisted.
-nellmaria
