Seeing Red

Desire. Passion. Power. Red. Monochrome. Swords. Guns. Blood. Manga. Probably NSFW.

[blood-dog]

You have no idea how much I hate myself for what I did...and how much I want to disappear. I don't feel like I ever deserve forgiveness. Even though I was not in control at the time. It's still my fault.

You want me to understand when you disassociate...but what about when I become a different person entirely? I don't think you understand how scary that is for me. To be knocked back behind frosted glass, unable to shift my body to my will. To scream and not be heard over myself. It's the most confusing and scary thing. It makes me afraid of myself. Of what I'm capable of. Of what "I've" done without my knowledge. And I don't know how to make peace with myself. To befriend myself and gain trust.

sometimes I just feel it would be easier to disappear altogether.

[blood-dog]

I'm so fucking tired going back and forth like this. Idk how more I can take. I'm sick of hearing "I'm sorry" and nothing actually happening

[blood-dog]

The reason I don't drink normally is because it's one of the things that can push me into feeling manic and then my inhibitions and impulse control is rocky because I'm intoxicated. I'm painted red with a hint of morally gray.

That feeling where you feel somewhat invisible. fucking unstoppable. And you want to fuck and tear things apart. But you can't...you have to resist and then you get that kind of giddy hide and seek feeling. The one where you're behind the door and someone's almost found you but they haven't quite figured you're there. The adrenaline is so beautiful...makes you want to touch yourself with your mouth wide open...tongue ready for spit and come but instead you're drooling as the footsteps get closer and your eyes roll back into your head. It's like...being on the verge of coming but not quite getting there...absolute euphoria without the pinnacle of satisfaction. So you bite and claw your way up until you find your sanity again.

[blood-dog]

Hello again blog. I'm sad you went from being a beautiful emotional aesthetic blog for my manic episodes...into yet another throw away vent account.

I'm feeling like utter shit today. Head is all twisted up in anniversary pain. If I wasn't tethered down with responsibility and a somewhat shakey moral compass...I'd be in trouble. The kind of trouble that scars you or gets you killed.

I just want to feel wanted by someone. Anyone at this point. And I shouldn't have to spell it out but. I want someone to want to fuck me...not just for my own pleasure but for theirs too. I want to be someone's play thing. More importantly I want to be his plaything but he doesn't seem to want that...ever. where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I'm so bored. I'm so lonely. I'm so empty. I don't want to exist anymore if it means feeling like this forever. Because he's never going to change his mind about me...I'm always going to be a negative when it comes to sex. I'm never going to be fully understood. It's always "I don't get as emotional about this as you" (which basically means, you get too emotional about these things). So I'm supposed to understand why you don't feel as strongly about stuff? Yet you won't ever grow to my level and try to think about how much things mean to me? It's me who has to stoop. It's me who has to feel like I'm putting the pressure on you to change. Relationships are compromise you said. You say a lot of things you don't mean.

[blood-dog]

I feel so sad and alone today...I don't understand why

[blood-dog]

So frustrated it's making me super angry and it's making me hate myself. I hope I can feel it in before the weekend because I don't know if I can socialize like this...I literally want to kill or fuck someone to death

[blood-dog]

I feel so ill and so depressed today

[blood-dog]

The worse feeling in the world is when someone you love is crying and they push you away when you try to hug them. It made me feel like I've done nothing but wrong. Like I'm the worst person you know. Makes me want to curl up an die. And I had to fight the urge to push myself even further away from you after you moved away from me. It was so strong...but I did. I can at least be proud of myself for that...but still not proud of the fact that I upset you enough to reject my comforting

[blood-dog]

I feel so ill and depressed....I honestly don't know how much more I can take of this

Take your hot flushes and aches a shove it

[blood-dog]

Still weirds me out to open this blog and find posts I don't remember even posting? Was I disassociating? Did I have brain fog? Is my memory just bad? Or is it something else entirely.

[blood-dog]

I love making fun of Ad@chi and telling it how it is. That he's an asshole.

But when it comes from someone else's mouth...it rubs me the wrong way and I really wish it didn't. Like somehow it feels like a personal dig and it really isn't.

Sometimes I love the ability to pour myself into a character (or a character into myself) but other times in makes reality difficult to seperate and that's baaaad. Very bad.

[blood-dog]

Plus I don't think you could fit under this desk without crippling yourself lmao

[blood-dog]

Really want head while I work💦

It's the perfect time for that kind of thing too but you're in pain and even if you weren't I'm too much of a chicken to ask you if you wanted to give it a try

[blood-dog]

I've always been a little worried about what I say to you or how it comes across...because being around you has always made me feel so many emotions. (Good ones too ofc!)

But lately it's a lot worse...because I try to talk to you or explain myself in a way that doesn't sound awful or crazy and its made you get upset or freak out and walk out of the room. I'm becoming afraid of saying something when I'm feeling in a weird mind space and it becoming an absolute or a permanent way you see me...because these behaviours and neuroses are not who I am. They are not me. They are as a result of mental sickness and I'm seeking help. I'm really trying. But the fear is still there. A paranoia. That I am not safe and what I say is not safe. So I end up not being able to express myself fully and it causes a huge cycle of not being able to process stuff and I'm left feeling lonely and unable to communicate because I don't want to fuck things up. And it really does feel like I always end up fucking things up. Even when I'm trying to be helpful.

I'm not co-dependent. I don't NEED anybody. But currently I do need help. And I'm sorry that's stressful. I'm sorry that's a LOT. It makes me feel so guilty. And I'm afraid of the alternative if I don't get the help I need.

The difference is that I want your company. Above all others. And that is something I do need to learn to change. I need to learn to like others company again... including my own. But my own company feels like some sort of punishment sometimes and just reminds me of neglect. I wish it didn't.

[blood-dog]

Maybe I should just be institutionalised. I feel unstable.

[makeyouleave]

u know when ur like mid breakdown listening to music and hating urself and ur emotions r more all over the place than usual but then the song changes to smthn upbeat or intense with a good drumbeat or smthn and suddenly ur ego gets like a 1000% boost and u get a rlly big surge of energy and feel like u can do anything? yea that’s good shit 

[blood-dog]

I know you need the company. We need the company.

So you'll just have to put up and shut up brain. It will be good for us.