this is a scheduled post written on 18/12/24
i’m not sure anyone will read it but feels like i should put something somewhere
today is the day i take my own life. it won’t be my first attempt, however it’s the first time i’ve planned it out and thought it through rather than it being an impulsive decision. i’m on my way as i type this, and i don’t have any doubts that this is my time to go
simply put i don’t have any inclination to continue trying to live with bpd. it feels like i’m sisyphus pushing the boulder, i keep going through the same negative cycles over and over again. i’m completely worn out. i’ve relapsed hard again. i’m lonely. chaos follows me through life and permeates everything i touch, when i just want peace. i feel utterly defeated and at a loss of anything i can do to improve my situation. i don’t like being this person, i don’t like my thought patterns and the way my mind works, and i’m acutely aware that this is how it will always be.
i tried really hard but i’m done now
im so grateful for everyone that helped me get this far – the healthcare workers, social workers, my amazing therapist, my foster parents, friends i’ve made along the way, and my anam cara paul (leaving you is the only difficult part of this)
thank you for believing in me
i’m sorry for how much distress i’ve caused those around me and the burden i’ve been at times. i hope this brings some kind of relief and peace of mind
i have experienced many wonderful things during my time on earth that i am so thankful for. i’m taking so much love with me to the other side
please don’t be sad for me, i am at peace
go vegan and free palestine !
grá go deo
ciarán 🖤
