@broken-skull-films - Tumblr Blog

I've just been awake!

Not tired, not stressed ...but awake.

I'm not sure if it's stress or the fact that I took a nap after lunch yesterday but I really don't feel tired. I even tried putting on shows that will relax me to sleep and it just doesn't. I don't know why I'm awake all I know is that I really should be asleep.

The only thing worse than feeling like you don't belong is the reminder that you are alone.

No matter how much I felt like it mattered I'm reminded that I'm just the odd one out yet again.

I just feel confused. I don't really understand what's going on right now.

I went from super excited and surprised to confused. A little frustrated, then more confused.

My stomach is in a knot. Can't get myself to sleep. I'm tying my best to calm myself down. It's just I'm worried about things right now. My mind keeps racing. I don't know what to do.

Sharing this for my friend.

If anyone can help and share this it is much appreciated.

Hi, I’m Chelsea, a single mom who is chronically ill and trying to survive what feels … Chelsea Daigle needs your support for Chronically Il

Maybe it's anxiety. Waking up feeling like I need to throw up. Like my stomach is in a knot. Like my mind is racing, but I'm stuck standing still. Fighting back feeling to look okay is hard. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and hope this feeling goes away. I think I'd probably cry if I was alone. But I can't do that now. I have to be strong. All the time I struggle. Even if I have a plan I'm just use to something going wrong. I feel really numb. I know things are out of my control but nothing use to bother me this much. I just feel lost. I wish I didn't. I wish I knew what to do. I don't know how to be okay, but I'm really trying. I wish I didn't feel so alone. I don't know how to explain this feeling, even around others it's just hard.

I just want to feel better about things. I haven't had to use cherry juice to fall asleep so there's that. But I don't really feel rested. I'm still feeling really drained. I don't like feeling on edge. That's probably not even the right word for it. I'm really trying to just be at peace most of the time. Life is hectic, but sometimes I feel like I'm shaking even when I'm not. Like I'm on the wrong frequency sometimes. I'm really trying my best to keep it together. Some days are harder than others. I'm really trying to focus on the positive.

I just want to feel okay. Feeling drained sucks. I don't know how to push myself through this. I've tried a lot, but it's hitting pretty hard today. Feeling tired, crying uncontrollably. Feeling lonely and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do to get better. When I want to be awake I fall asleep. When I need to sleep my body won't go to sleep. I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to feel like this. I just want to go to sleep. Why is my mind racing? Why am I feeling on edge? I just want to relax and get some sleep. Maybe I slept too much last night but I still feel tired and drained.

I still think about you.

I still dream about you.

You're in my thoughts and in my head.

I miss that feeling I'd get being around you.

I get down a lot now.

I wish I didn't.

I try and stay focused on goals.

It's hard feeling alone.

It's hard not knowing who to reach out to.

I don't want to feel down.

I turn the tv on as background noise because I hate the silence around me.

I hope to be okay, but it's rough most days.

I don't know how to feel better about things. I have that statue feeling again like I'm stuck standing still while everything else is moving around me. Missing stuff from the past doesn't help. I just want to be happy again. I don't know how to do that on my own. I don't feel accomplished, I don't feel wanted. It a real struggle most days to do things. I just really feel lost most of the time.

I just want to breathe through my nose and sleep. Stupid allergies / sinus.

I was happy. I really miss that. That feeling of if nothing else went my way it didn't matter. If I had a bad day, it was only temporary. I don't know how to have that feeling again. That it's just temporary. The way nothing really bothered me because I had you there. I don't know how to be okay alone right now. I'm trying my best just to make it through the day. Hour by hour, day by day, week after week. It's just gets really hard to try sometimes. I feel like my life is a joke, but I'm not the one laughing. I try my best, but lately just getting out of bed feels like an accomplishment. Getting in the shower feels like an accomplishment. Basic things or so I thought just feel really draining to me. I don't know where to reach out. I feel really alone most of the time. I don't know how to be myself anymore.

I had a dream that I was just walking into the ocean. I can't swim, it was like I was giving up. Walking further and further in choking on the water.

I've had dreams about getting in a car wreck. I have dreams about falling. And about being chained up not being able to move off some platform. Dreams about good times with an ex, dreams about old friends that I don't see anymore. Dreams about dead relatives.

Nightmares of someone in my room at the foot of my bed.

I sometimes have sleep paralysis if I sleep on my back. I like sleeping on my stomach so that doesn't happen.

I've been sleeping on the couch a lot to get decent rest. It's hard to sleep in my bed knowing I'll wake up holding my pillow and feeling alone.

I don't know how to deal with things right now. I'm really down. It took everything I had to get out of bed this morning. I need to find something to do to keep my mind off things. I worry about money. I worry about family. I worry about friends. I worry about my future. I get stuck thinking about the past. I miss being able to relax and unwind. I just feel stuck. I have to go to work later and I don't know what to do there most of the time I just feel like I don't belong anymore. Like I don't belong anywhere really. I know I haven't cried, but it's not without trying. I just kinda feel dead inside. I did wake up with watery eyes the other day, but that could have been allergies. Missing people that I don't talk to anymore sucks. I want so bad to just reach out, but I know I can't. Missing family that are no longer around is hard. Not hearing from friends makes me feel like I'm bothering them. I don't know how to be happy. I make shirts to keep myself creative, but I know it's probably a waste. I try so hard to keep my mind occupied. I drink cherry juice to be able to pass out without thinking about certain things, certain people, certain situations. My mind races around ideas that I can't control. My hands aren't shaky anymore but I just feel like a statue most of the time. I don't know how to cherish the little things. I'm living with regrets. I don't know how to feel happy, but I do try my best to be.

The truth of it is I did have a crush on you back in high school. It weirded me out when I found out that you were dating my cousin. I even flirted with you at his graduation. I stopped after that. I know it wasn't right of me to do so. I always cared about you. I enjoyed hearing from you. I know we lost touch. I know you moved away. I know you had a kid. I know you got divorced. I know you lost your dad. We got back in touch. It was nice having you, my friend back in my life. I'm sorry I screwed that up. I'm sorry I asked you out. I ruined a friendship in hopes of something more. We were different. But that didn't bother me. I was just so happy to be with you. Spend time with you and have you around. It freaked me out when things didn't work out. I was too much in my head I guess. Listening to friends and family to take things slow because you had a kid. I didn't want to rush anything because of that. All I wanted to do was be with you. Being close to you calmed me. For the summer that stressed me out to no end, you were the one person there for me. I really felt like I belonged being around you. Being there for you. I wasn't perfect, but neither is anyone. All I did was work. It was hard juggling my time. But I knew if I just worked a few hours that I'd spend it on you the next time we went out. It took me a little time to be close to you. We were friends for so long I was scared. But when I did get comfortable I really got attached. I close my eyes and you're still there. My dreams kinda haunt me sometimes. Not that it's bad dreams. But dreaming about you and waking up to you not there can really bum me out. You don't live far away, but just driving the direction towards your house had me shaking in my car after we were no more. It was like drug withdrawals was the best way I could describe it. All I wanted to do was hold you close and give you kisses. You pushed me away. I wasn't your handyman. I wish I would have just fixed stuff for you. That wire that was cut outside, my parents, my aunt, my cousin all told me not to. Get an electrician because of liability. I should of did it, but I listened to everyone else. It was hard being close to you with your mom around. That wasted day when we didn't get any work done outside but I sat with you outside and hung out with your kid was probably the best day of the whole summer. I made you and your kid laugh. I had you by my side. I really felt happy. My friends saw it when I talked about you. I was all smiles just thinking about you. I had this big date planned. I was gonna buy you chocolate covered almonds, flowers, take you out and let you pick a restaurant. I wanted to bad to introduce you to my family and friends. I was told to wait. Not to rush. I thought I was doing that, but I didn't rush enough. I tried my best to be there for you. It's rough knowing the one person you want to be around doesn't want you there. I don't know how to get myself to be happy again. But I know I was happy with you. I told you about my dreams. My goals. I shared photos with you and asked about your day. I genuinely cared even if the only thing you had done that day was babysit. My time without you feels like a waste like I'm stuck on autopilot. I get anxious, stressed, depressed, worried. I don't even feel right being at home. I can't get myself to cry, but I just feel dead inside. When everything felt right I got pushed away. I wish I knew how to just be okay.

I just fell lost right now. I don't have any drive. It's a struggle just getting up in the morning. I either don't feel hungry or over eat. Having dreams about you. My mind rethinking everything over and over in my head. Moving forward is hard. The amount of times I see things or hear about something and WANT to tell you about it. I miss you. It just felt right having you around. I actually went for something, someone that mattered to me. I was nervous to open up, but I actually felt safe with you next to me. Everything else around me felt stressful, but never being with you.

I guess I built everything up too much in my head. How I wanted to take you out and make things official. I had plans to bring you over and introduce you to my family. I even had this idea about cooking brisket and inviting you, your mom, your son, your brother and his wife. I know you gave me a list of makeup/lipstick/nail polish when I asked. I wanted to go shopping with you and make you feel special. I probably didn't word it right. But that was my intention. Spending time with you mattered so much to me. The amount of times I just didn't want to leave. I miss telling you good morning. I miss saying that I made it home safe at night. You were the first person I thought of every day and the last person I talked to before I went to sleep at night. So those dreams still get to me.

I have this lamp I've been trying to work on. I finally got some parts in for it to finish it. But I had to put it away. It wasn't for you, but I had this idea that if I did sell it after finishing it that I would take the money I made off it and take you out to a fancy restaurant. I never told you because I wanted it to be a surprise. When I struggled with the lamp the other day it made me think of you.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs