father's angel

20 𝜗𝜚

[butcheredlamby]

will you cut me up prettier next time?

f/20 5'10

sw: 80, cw: 76, gw:70, ugw: 60

asks open, dms for closer people

welcome to my blog. i like to be called lottie. id like to use this blog almost as a diary.

♱ mdni, this blog contains sensitive content including controversial and hardcore sexual themes, tw for 3d.

♱ i love all things ethereal, a little creepy and just pretty to look at.

♱ if you like ethel cain, lana del rey, cocteau twins or hole - let's be friends!

tags:

pictures of me - #lamb

about father - #divineworship

feeling small - #littleangel

[butcheredlamby]

kinda sounds like you're enjoying the quiet life a little bit!

its more complicated than that, but i do like being with my own thoughts most of the time

[butcheredlamby]

ive always felt like i was doomed, perhaps when i was born, a fairy put a curse on me, like in sleeping beauty.

why am i incapable of being normal? as a little kid i was deemed odd and strange, i couldnt find a person to be my friend. in high school i went for months without talking, i completely shut myself off. now that im a little older, i have my beloved friends, whom i can be outgoing and silly with, however deep inside, no matter what i do, theres a constant sadness which i cant get rid of.

all of adolescence ive looked for happiness in men, ones that are older, that will have power and control over me. and to an extent maybe it works. but now im starting to realize not even a loving man can repair whats been broken. i can get everything i desire, and i wont be happy anyway.

why wont the kiss of a prince wake me up from my slumber, why am i still paralyzed by my own chaotic brain and my own daydreams and thoughts.

why have i become something so finite and short lived, when as a little girl i was so bright and full of potential?

[butcheredlamby]

my teenage years are over and im about to spend the summer alone, at home, like i used to for most of my life. my only few friends will be gone most of the time, i dont have anyone to go on dates with, i dont have any plans at all.

and im starting not mind as much. i enjoy talking to myself and my stuffed animals, writing down how i feel, spending my days in bed, sometimes doing a few chores that i must tend to. otherwise it will be.. quiet.

i imagined at 20 i would go to many different countries, many different concerts, festivals, go on trips. instead ill be burrowed in bed, like always, through winter, spring, summer to fall. i even got off almost all social media, only isolating myself further.

i might not have much time left and i think ill be okay, spending it like this. hiding, not talking, not sharing anything. just stuck in my head.

[psychosisbunny]

[moviemoods]

🎬 Speak (2004)

[softva]

[butcheredlamby]

been growing my lps collection lately!⊹₊˚ꕤ˚₊⊹

[tvdaughter]

the father is inherently above the daughter in terms of power dynamic, societal and nuclear authority, but the father simultaneously worships the daughter to a degree, kneels to her as an angel, something softer and lovelier and more precious than he, to be coveted, and thus the father-daughter dynamic to me is both wonderfully unbalanced and yet divinely balanced all at once

[gentlecncdaddy2]

A high functioning, codependent, sexual relationship between family members is the most passionately romantic relationship you will ever witness.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[terriblyhumane]

[butcheredlamby]

real picture of me going to the library to study for finals, having almost no idea whats going on

[silverxstarx]

i’m so fat.

[butcheredlamby]

i wish i was a small girl. long blonde hair, green eyes, pretty rosy cheeks. living in a small house with a white picket fence and a front yard, with my own bedroom - in it a pretty canopy bed. wearing white shirts buttoned up to the collar, pastel coloured skirts down to my knees, white ruffled socks and clean little shoes, my hair almost always braided. leaving the house holding my dads hand, never alone. going to church every sunday. attending a prayer group each week along with the other girls, my dad drives me. sometimes he picks me up and takes me for ice cream. getting amazing grades in school, mostly on my best behaviour. i help set the table before dinner, i do my homework on time, i listen when my parents tell me to brush my teeth.

my father's pride and joy, a precious little angel, a bit shy, sometimes cheeky, kind and good.

thats what i would love

[butcheredlamby]

its so hard, i only wish to be small. i dont want to be sad, denying myself happiness, worrying other people. but its too good.

its like a hit of a drug when i see the number go down, when someone expresses concern or comments on my body getting smaller. no matter how much i recover, that desire to be sick will always be there.

i crave to feel fragile in your arms, like you could just crush me. i crave for my bones and my heart to get weaker, to always be dizzy, to depend on you. its so selfish, dragging you into my personal hell, but i want you to find it as romantic as i do.

when i cry over small meals, refuse to eat what you give me, feel cold even in many layers of clothes. clinging to you, cause i have nothing else, i dont have the energy to take care of myself, and ill refuse your help. it sounds awful even to me but i want it, i want it so much.

and when you tell me im going too fast, too much, that i will get myself in danger - of course it scares me, i know what comes next cause ive lived through it, and its miserable. but a part of my brain feels proud, motivated to keep going..

[softva]

[lambbutcher]

Today I’m ready to size you up and chase you down like a doe in a field. Feasting on you when I come upon you. Feast on you emotionally and sexually. I’m good at moderation until I’m not. Feeling the strength in my fingers when I touch your skin. When you tell me about something ordinary like smoking a joint and I want to pull on that thread. Make you realize how cute you are when you’re drugged and pliant. Manipulated and feeling good. Safe with an unhinged Papa pulling the strings. Telling you where to go. What to do. What to wear. How to pray. It is sexual but it’s so much more. It’s religious. You’re everything to me. It makes me feel sick because I feel so much. And it doesn’t grow smaller. It only gets bigger. I’m not afraid though. I need you. I need us. My daughter. My world. Take away my sanity but don’t take away my little girl.