Words that Stuck with Me, and a wild ride of my inner train of thoughts on boundaries
It can take one nice positive comment to change a perspective you've had your whole life. One that was probably given to you by someone else and you internalized it.
Certain things people say or energies and feelings people give me just stick. But so do the bad moments.
Are the good moments worth the bad with certain people though? Are certain people manipulative and will continue pushing your boundaries until you hurt them back enough for them to walk away?
When something bad happens so much it can completely override the prior good, almost completely sometimes, it grosses me out, makes me recoil, makes me sad ultimately. Blame it on my moral / making the right choice OCD if that was offensive.
When you are pretty and have good energy, people really don't want to lose that, and it makes them manipulative and obsessive. They override my boundaries. To the point I don't even feel I'm fully there anymore, I'm slowly being absorbed, turning invisible...
... is that what I want? Is that what I'm accustomed to so much that I find comfort in it? Somehow, it makes me less anxious when someone doesn't acknowledge my boundaries than when it should make me uncomfortable. Am I just addicted to that deep intense attention?
Why do they absorb me? Project onto me? Is it because they are not comfortable with the power I have? Do they take away my truth to feed their ego? Because it feeds their starving demons. That childish part of unconscious that is still stuck in a parasitic child mode from not being raised with enough love (yes I will always go there, because it is always the answer unfortunately)
It keeps happening then I keep beating myself up after, at my big age of 27 ?! I'm still letting people manipulate me and step on my boundaries? (Thanks mom lol)
What makes it worse is, it is oftentimes the ones we really like, give access to, that hurts us the most. And it is so confusing and conflicting to feel affection for someone and then finding out they are not truly looking out for your best interest. Or physically and emotionally damaged you.
If that is the price of vulnerability... seems more like a punishment than reward. Yet, us singles hold out on hope-- we let the moment take us to la la land, we kiss the prince praying it won't turn into a frog, we create silly motion pictures in our head...
In the name of finding love, the one person who wants to lay next to you for the rest of your lives-- we take the risk of so much pain the entire journey. From dating to titles to legal papers. Yet, we keep navigating the maze, to find something bigger than ourselves, something that transcends the statistics of human nature, to say we felt the purest thing to exist in our universe.
So let's keep filling our brains with dopamine and remember to always use protection <3
-august 28, 9:13am
