caligulasAquarium [CA] @c4ligulas-aquar1um - Tumblr Blog

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yaoi always wins

tr1dent1al-reg1c1de

woagh.......

c4ligulas-aquar1um

it will all be okay someday white boy... we have got to try our best forever white boy...

tr1dent1al-reg1c1de

tru.......

c4ligulas-aquar1um

someday things will be over and life will be good....

tr1dent1al-reg1c1de

woagh.......

c4ligulas-aquar1um

it will all be okay someday white boy... we have got to try our best forever white boy...

tr1dent1al-reg1c1de

aplatonic afamilial aromantic asexual AND agender ?? collecting them like pokemon jesus christ

#mf is AAAAA

you not understanding how its possible is not my problem. im telling you directly how i feel and whats happening. this is how it is. you dont have to understand it for it to be true.

when my apathy appears as a "choice" 9 times out of 10 its me shutting down and giving up, which isnt a choice. the other 1 time is me acting like i dont care to avoid something.

and. again. if i say i cant do something, dont be surprised when i cant do it.

i love you too. same as the last message, i know i sound upset in this message too. i apologize again.

i see 🙂‍↕️ i dont have much of a response to this but i promise i hear you im listening

and i didnt pick that up about the apathy thing i apologize

#i think i might be splitting on you im not entirely sure yet but im gonna work through that

for me it is hard to give affection often. i keep saying that. not to sound mean but genuinely how many times do i have to say that?

and to me saying "i dont want to do this" is far more emotion-sparing than telling you directly so many times that im a bad person and cant do relationships the way you do. if you have a different opinion on that, now you know that its different.

im not sure what you want me to do about you hypothetically feeling worse than me if we ever seperated. being apathetic by nature was never a choice? id obviously be devastated but i know youd take it far worse. i dont know what you want me to do about that

i also repeatedly tell you i do care and have trouble showing it. thats what this whole thing is about.

i care about you. i love you. and i dont know what you want from me. im doing all i can.

i know this message sounds far more mean than the rest and i apologize. im just frustrated.

i just dont understand how thats possible no matter how many times you say it and im not sure if i ever will

and im ok with the apathetic part its just. like on top of everything else theres ALSO that

and sometimes it does feel like partially a choice, you'd rather be apathetic than not in most scenarios at least from what ive seen

i just find it hard to know if youre really trying if nothing happens because a lot of people say theyll change and then never do

anyways. whatever actually comes of any of this i love you more than anything else in the world and i forgive you for sounding frustrated because so am i im just used to being more docile and passive as a defense mechanism

i understand that. but its also been a year. im sure you arent the person you were a year ago either. i know my shift was likely more dramatic but im offering this as a chance for you to understand this specific part.

i dont lie to people about these things. how would i benefit from labeling myself as a shit person out of laziness? if i simply didnt want to do it, i wouldve told you. i know its just how you feel but you need to understand that your thoughts and anxiety are most of the time just that - thoughts and anxiety. if i say something that confidently that often im not lying. im so insistent on it because you deny it so often and get surprised when i do the things i say i will.

i understand the panic youre in all the time. obviously not to the same level but i too have the Panic At Everything You Do disorder, i just mask it more often as to not worry you more than you already constantly are.

id talk on discord but if im going to be honest thats far more intimidating than this. if you wanted me to though id be fine with that

i understand that obviously we're going to change and i myself did get worse in certain areas but it just feels like i did something wrong because to me affection isnt that hard to give, hell just call me pretty or throw in a petname i like

i know you dont lie but you also spare my feelings a lot and i dont know where that line is

and i just. i know you'd be fine if i left but i wouldn't be fine if you did and that makes me feel awful

id like to know if you actually care about me as much as i care about you because it really doesnt feel like it even if you do

i put so much effort in just to get you to care in a way that feels real

#and thats ok i was offering in case you wanted #and im getting out all my feelings now because i was scared you'd get mad or upset about them before

"i cant do it" means that ive been trying. i really need you to understand this.

"i cant do it" means that im tired and everything i try to do drains me or i simply dont know how to do it. i dont know how i used to do it. i dont know when or how i "changed". but i know i have and im not trying to claim that i havent

when i say this, know nothing is your fault. ive been trying to tell you this is just how i am. i try to tell you so often.

i dont want anything to come off as being said in bad faith and im sorry if it sounds rude. im frustrated at my own incompetence and i hope im not accidentally taking it out on you more than i know i am. im sorry again. i dont wanna lose you either.

i understand and im sorry i didn't see that it just confuses me so much because i cant cope with change especially not ones like that

and if im being completely honest when you say you're just this way and you warned me you're not a good person it feels like you simply dont want to put in the work to change because its easier not to - im not claiming thats true simply how it sounds and feels

and i just am so tired of feeling this way all the time and i dont know if you'll ever understand the constant state of panic im in

and you dont sound rude or mean at all 🙂‍↕️

i hope we can actually make things work i just dont know how yet

#if you want to talk more on discord because its private im okay with that

im sorry that i cant be better i promise im trying but ive already told you im not good at it or relationships at all

i dont wanna sound guilt trippy or anything but i still want you to remember that

i love you so so much okay? even when i cant express it properly. i know you need me to express it more but ive already told you i cant. i really am doing my best and i need you to understand that. i love you so much

i know i know it just feels like you use that as an excuse not to try and it makes me feel like im not worth trying for

no matter what happens i love you too so much

i just miss the way it used to be yknow?

#i dont ever wanna lose you im just tired of settling

i hope youre alright

shrug im physically fine and ill live