Regressor!Hanzo Headcanons
When there is a lot going on in the world, things in your personal life often feel lesser. Easier to push aside or ignore. Especially if you have some sort of personal stake in the events swallowing up the world, some part to play that's much bigger than you areāmeaning it's easy to get swallowed up yourself. This sort of mindset is exactly how Hanzo operates. Focus on the big picture and shove aside the finer details if you must, but always keep them within your grasp. Be aware of everything and everyone except for yourself, because you're only a small part of the equation. That's what it's like in the loud, explosive moments at least. But at the end of the day, what's left? Splinters of what he could have done, should have done, yet did not. Personal failings and all consuming guilt. Giving and giving to atone and it never feeling like enough. Until all that's left is a very small feeling that's harder to ignore. Much harder than other things he can brush aside, despite the inherent softness that seems to come with the feeling. There's not much he can do for it besides attempt to sleep it off, but once finding that the feeling can linger even after a bit of sleep does he start to grow concerned. Hanzo is used to ignoring his own needs after ten years of self-dictated exile and punishment, has ignored things like broken bones if needed, but this? This was some sort of liability, that much he could gather. And despite being a part of the newly reformed Overwatch and being presented with a frankly disgusting amount of team building, it is still difficult to admit that he might need some sort of help.
However, his practicality wins out over his pride. After all, he can't keep doing what he needs to if this odd feeling keeps burbling up from some strange well within him. Which means he (reluctantly) finds himself setting up an appointment with Dr. Ziegler in hopes that she knows how to straighten out whatever it is that keeps happening to him. She is patient with him as he awkwardly stumbles through describing what he's been experiencing, noting down things on occasion and asking supplementary questions as if to ease his discomfortāIs there ever any dizziness? And about how long would you say these feelings persist? How often do they occur?āuntil she seemingly reaches a conclusion and hums in understanding as she begins making notes on his chart. Lots of notes. Hanzo tries not to let his anxiety show, though he cannot stop himself from picking at his nails as he demands to know why. Why does he keep feeling so lost? Why does it seem to lower basic skills such as his hand-eye coordination? Why does it always seem to happen when he's left to his own thoughts? Why does it feel like his world shrinks and the only way to make it feel better is to tuck himself up under his blankets? If it's something like depression he's been on medication before, he'll start taking it again if it will just make all the confusing feelingsāthe inescapable small feelingsāstop. The more he asks the more worked up he becomes until suddenly he realizes that the small feeling is happening now and Dr. Ziegler must be able to see it because she's looking at him with a gentle expression that he can't quite place but wants to be mad at but no, actually needs it enough that it scares him...
And when the small feeling says run, he does. Bolts right for the door of the infirmary. It is far from his most graceful escapeāvery far from it in fact, because he doesn't get five feet down the hallway before he's running smack dab into Cole. It's about then that the annoying loss of coordination and balance really kicks in and he finds himself falling back onto his bottom with a thud. Which in turn reminds his brain to turn on that increased sensitivity he's been experiencing too as his breathing hitches and tears cloud his vision. He can hear Dr. Ziegler behind him, can hear her and Cole discussing something but it's too hard to focus on the words when he's focusing on not crying. Biting his lip and holding his breath to stop the embarrassing hiccups, scrunching his eyes tightly shut when it doesn't feel like enough. It isn't sustainable of course, but the small feeling says it is. That it'll make everything bad and scary stop if he shuts it all out. Until a different voice of reason cuts in, deep and soothing as it croons Didn't mean to spook ya, c'mon honey just breathe for meā¦ There is a little more coaxing, and a hand is placed on his chest (on top of his own, he realizes, gingerly pulling it down and away from where he was beginning to scratch at his throat). The physical contact gets him to open his eyes again, only to find Cole crouched down next to him looking extremely concerned. Calloused thumb rubbing soothing circles on his hand, voice gentle as he instructs him to breathe. For whatever reason Hanzo feels compelled to listen, finally allowing himself the hiccups from before as Cole helps him to his feet and steers him back to the infirmary. Cole and Angela speak in hushed tones for a moment before she tells him he has to let Cole go now, and he reluctantly releases the hand he didnāt know he was still clutching.
Hanzo only belatedly realizes that he has allowed not only one, but two people to see him when heās regressed (a term that Angela explains as soon as she determines that he is settled and not about to run off again). It is confusing, not to mention unwanted. Especially when she tells him she is temporarily suspending him from missions until he has found a way to manage it a bit better (after all, it isnāt exactly conducive to have the teamās sniper drop at, wellā¦the drop of a hat, so to speak). Worst of all she tells him it would be best to explore his smallspace, highly recommends it even because she knows he otherwise would interpret āmanaging itā as ārepressing itā, which is how he got here according to herāand that a big break was coming if he didnāt. She sends him on his way with instructions to go rest while she works on gathering some resources for him, but doesnāt let him leave until he picks out a sucker from the candy jar that he usually would ignore. But today is different, and the Sour Apple Dum Dum calls to him. As he steps out into the hallway once more and struggles to get the wrapper off with a small whine, the candy is gently plucked from his grasp. Cole unwraps it and passes it back over with a smile before kicking off of the wall by the door where he had apparently been waiting. He says surprisingly little as he makes sure Hanzo gets back to his room without further incident, and the company is much appreciated. And when they finally make it to his room, Cole tells him to come get him if he needs anything, that nothing is a bother. All Hanzo can muster is a quiet okay before letting the loneliness of his bedroom swallow him up.
After that first encounter, Cole seems to make it his personal mission to keep an eye on Hanzo. Even when he has to go off on some mission or another, he has taken to bringing him back small gifts. He has the forethought to be discreet, always leaving them in front of his door in a simple box, for which Hanzo is grateful. Genji keeps teasing him that he has a secret admirer after noticing one of the boxes, but he isnāt quite ready to tell his little brother that the boxes mostly comprise of stuffed toys and sweets. The repeated gesture, along with the genuineness behind it, is enough to make him reconsider Angelaās suggestion of finding a caregiver that he can trust (just one of the many suggestions in the rather lengthy packet she had sent for him explaining the ins and outs of regression). And the more he considers it, the more he likes the idea; there are many qualities about Cole that he respects despite their differences, and they've gotten close enough in their downtime that he has come to trust him. Moreover, Cole seemed okay with the whole idea. The way he had spoken to him that first time stuck with Hanzo, and lately whenever he was feeling small he found himself craving that tenderness. But he has never been one to ask for what he wants, and so he begins to implement the patented Cat MethodTM. Meaning that Cole suddenly has a pair of eyes on him at all times, with Hanzo occasionally bridging the gap and moving in closer. Simple things like making sure he gets to sit next to Cole in the lounge and sharing a lot more personal space with him than anyone else is allowed. Itās painfully obvious that he wants something to anyone that knows how Hanzo operates, and because Cole knows how he operates he picks up on it right away. If he had to wager a guess, it had something to do with that small side of his; after all, he has been leaving him little gifts to let him know that itās okay (so itās a pretty safe bet).
While Hanzo cannot bring himself to outright ask Cole about being his cg, their next hangout has a definite slant to it. Not that Cole minds. If anything he finds it kind of endearing. Usually he is so straightforward, so to have him go about something in a roundabout sort of way piques his interest. And Cole is nothing if not patient, going at the speed that Hanzo needsāletting him take his time as he thanks him for helping him the other day, and asking if he might be willing to help him go over a few things. It is the closest he can come to asking what he actually wants to if the pink heat rising in his face is any indication; for his part Cole readily agrees, testing the waters by letting another pet name slip to see how he responds. Gently pushing as he tells him Sure thing, sugarbee. Whatever yer little heart desires. He half expects Hanzo to push back, but instead he finds that he doesnāt so much lean into it as he does melt into it. Even as he starts to slip into that softer mindset, there are noticeable changes. His body is always wound so tightlyāposture rigid, jaw clenched, every part of him tense, tense, tenseāso when he begins to relax? It's visible that he's feeling smaller. With that relaxation comes a tentative openness. Hanzo is more responsive as Cole steers the conversation towards things that are easier and encourage his smaller side. Asking him if he's picked out a favorite stuffie yet, and could he go get them? They're certain to provide valuable insight into their conversation, dontcha think? And what's their name? Oh, well he's absolutely delighted to make their acquaintance! The encouragement is simple, yet effective. Twenty minutes later sees Hanzo knelt in front of the coffee table, carefully lining up all of the stuffies Cole has gotten for him (ten so far!) and shyly telling him what he has named each one and why (because he has reasons!). Maybe itās the way Cole nods along or perhaps the silly yet sincere comments he makes, but something about the whole thing makes Hanzo feel lighter. Lighter than he has feltā¦ever, really.
Moving forward, things only continue to get easier. While they still hang out as they would before, Cole now knows to be on the lookout for a tug at his sleeve that expresses the silent need for something more. There is a lot of exploration of the space for both of them; while this is far from Coleās first rodeo when it comes to caregiving, he knows that it is important to keep his regressor in mind. And for his part, Hanzo only really explores his smallspace with Cole there to help guide him and provide a sense of safety he never truly felt in his childhood. He has a lot of trouble being comfortable when he's small if alone, and any attempt to indulge in his headspace is half-hearted. There's just so much he is unsure about, having had to grow up so fast. But Cole doesn't judge him, only nudges him in the right direction. The right direction often being smaller than Hanzo would like to admit; once he had accepted that he regressed, he was so certain his little age was somewhere around eight. But Cole promises he can be as small as he needs, which turns out to be somewhere in the range of baby to toddler once he feels out the space more and figures things out. And he figures out rather quickly that being cared for makes him feel so much lighter. That lighter, weightless feeling even begins to carry over from the time he spends regressed and into his day-to-day life. While the world and his past actions will always weigh on him heavily, it is an incredible relief to finally have a healthy way to alleviate that weight if only for a short time.
