already gone — harry styles fanfiction
❝ To love them, you have to set them free.❞
There are so many words you could use to describe Angel McGregor; coke whore, druggie, alcoholic and the list goes on. Angel was definitely not one of them. To Harry Styles, no matter how broken Angel was, she was still perfect to him in every way imaginable so when she single-handedly ripped his heart out of his chest and set it on fire, he could only ask himself, what did I do wrong?
First loves always hurt the most, especially when your first love ends up becoming a worldwide sensation and you're forced to see him on the covers of magazine and on television every day but five years later and the storm has passed, will there be any hope for the couple who once thought love conquered all?
inspired a little bit by fine line and a little bit by falling | in which you are a waitress at a restaurant that your ex-boyfriend, harry brings a date to
warnings: language, a good bit of sadness, and a better amount of angst than anything else
he was quickly beginning to feel a little woozy even though he hadn’t even touched his drink. his eyes which were formerly staring into the girl that he brought here tonight as he listened to her talk about what she wants to do for a living, have now found themselves locked in on you from across the dining floor. he couldn’t even hear the words of the girl sitting in front of him. all he could hear was his own heart pulsating violently through his ear drums.
it was a typical saturday night at the restaurant you waitressed at. it was rather busy, packed from one burgundy wall to the next with families and couples and close friends all enjoying their meals, their drinks and the soft music that played through the speakers in the ceiling.
you had already been seated with a twelve top and a six top, all the while still having to tend to three other tables that couples sat at, so the only thing you could afford to pay any attention to was your customer’s and what they were ordering.
harry’s eyes followed you as you made your way across the floor, disappearing around a corner. he stared at that wall and the elephant ear potted plant that sat in front of it, waiting for you to return. that was until Emma, the girl he was supposed to be wining and dining tonight, places her gentle hand on top of his, catching his attention.
her blue eyes shined in the golden glow of the overhead lights, her smile was barely there anymore when she asked, “is everything okay?” and harry was quick to nod his head, clearing this throat before taking the first sip of his tequila. “m’sorry” he says after placing the glass back down. “m’just- really tired. you were saying?”
and he tried to listen to what emma had to say but you walked back through the dining room and any chance emma had of keeping harry’s attention was now completely obliterated. he kept his eyes mainly on her as she spoke about something he barely kept track of, but he couldn’t help it when he’d find those green irises averting away from her face and over to you.
you were serving your party table their drinks, mixes of all sorts of different liquors and wines that you made a mental note you needed to try one of these days. and after they told you that they needed a little more time before they decided, you nodded with a smile and silently thanked them in your head for that. it gave you atleast five minutes to retreat to the kitchen and try to recollect yourself.
aching legs and feet, a head pounding for some other reason and a stomach grumbling since you hadn’t eaten all day really made things complicated tonight. “just two more hours.” you muttered to yourself after you checked your watch. “then you’re off for a whole entire day.” and that’s probably the only thing that was making it a little less brutal to get things done tonight. you were off tomorrow and planned to take advantage of the sun by sitting by the pool and soaking up the rays.
harry watched as you headed back around that same corner. he focused on the way you moved the most. you were simply walking fast, your head hung a little bit, staring at the floor as you moved across it. your hair was a little bit longer than he’d remembered, he realizes as he watches the way it swishes in its pony tail that reaches down your back now. this is when he cracks a smile because he remembered how you always used to tell him that you just wished it would grow already.
“oh my God!” emma squeals, yanking harry out of his thoughts abruptly. “what?” he asks with wide eyes. “are you- alright?” and she nods her head excitedly as she places that same hand back down over his own, and he couldn’t help but to tense up when he feels her skin atop of his. “harry, this is your song playing!” she points out with a wide smile. he was sure she thought it was probably the coolest thing in the world. she wasn’t famous nor was she familiar with anyone who was, except for him. she was someone he met at the gym and did hit things off with pretty effortlessly.
but now he’s not even so sure he cares about that at all. still, he tries to reciprocate her enthusiasm but his mind is surely elsewhere, stuck on you who is now standing in the middle of the kitchen with a heavy heart as you hear the intro to Fine Line. a song you knew all too well, though you’d probably never admit it.
you stared ahead at the threshold of the door, not realizing you were staring at a couple who was just trying to enjoy their steaks. you were zoned out with a million and one thoughts racing through your exhausted mind. all of which revolved around harry styles, the man you still find yourself thinking about a little more than you should. the man who gave you everything, but left you with absolutely nothing. the man who still holds your heart in the palm of his hands but also the man who you knew you’d never see again.
and as you’re feeling the emptiness that you worked so hard to push out creep it’s way in, you remembered your party table and how long you’d been standing in the middle of the kitchen. you rushed out and harry immediately snapped his head to the right, not even realizing how obvious he had been. emma’s eyes follow his and land on you, a look of confusion washing over her face when she leans in and asks, “do you know that girl?”
and why her words found their way deep within harry’s chest, irking and maybe even irritating him when emma used the term that girl, harry really couldn’t even figure out himself. and he wanted to nod his head and say that he does know you. maybe even refer to you as an old friend and then proceed to get up and head your way, mustering through the wracking nerves in an attempt to just say hi to you, but instead he shakes his head and says, “no, i don’t.”
it was rather ironic to him that one of the many deeply personal songs he’s wrote about you was playing right now. out of all the songs that he’s ever written, it just couldn’t be a sheer coincidence that this one was the one that was flowing through the restaurant, reaching your ears like he’d hoped it always would. and he wondered if you knew it was his song. had it been so long that you wouldn’t even remember his voice? he was sure you probably changed the station every time he’s mentioned on the radio, anyway.
“be right back.” harry mutters before rising from his seat and walking towards the far end of the restaurant where the bathrooms were. he needed a moment to collect himself. this was all so much for him and he wasn’t prepared by any means.
you had finished taking your party tables order and headed back to the kitchen where Gabby, one of your friends caught your eye as she struggled to carry a rounded tray with plates packed on it. “i got this” she assures. “but if you don’t mind, could you run this appetizer to table nine for me?” she asked as she handed you a plate of mozzarella cheese twists.
you headed back out the kitchen and across the dining room, spotting a girl with nearly white blonde hair at the table. approaching her with a smile, you placed the plate down. “Gabby got a little bit tied up so i’m bringing your appetizer out for you. is there anything else i can get you right now?” and emma’s eyes scan the table before she says, “I think my boyfriend might want another shot of tequila if you don’t mind.”
you nodded before you headed back again, informing gabby that her table nine wanted another glass of tequila and letting her take it out to the table since you still had others to tend to.
harry comes back from the restroom and takes his seat again, noticing that his glass was full even though he left it empty. “i ordered you another one.” emma smiles sweetly, to which harry does find a small smile lingering on his lips. “and the appetizer is here.” he comments as he picks up a mozzarella cheese twist and quickly stuffs it in his mouth.
emma starts to talk again, and he’s sure he heard something about marriage when she does. he doesn’t comment on it, but he can’t ignore the feeling of his stomach twisting and turning either.
you were finally starting to get everyone situated, all of your tables got their food and nobody seemed to need for anything so you took that as your chance to head right back into that kitchen and chill for a few moments, until you saw gabby struggling again. she was sat a little more than you were, and her tables seemed to only consist of parties, with the exception of maybe two of them.
“let me help.” you say as you walk up to her. she smiles warmly at you, handing you two plates and saying, “table nine, again.” and when you round the corner and head back to her section, you spot a head of dark, curly hair sitting across from the girl you’d just served to.
it wasn’t until you walked up from behind that same head of unruly curls, that you realized who they belonged to. his familiar green eyes instantly locked with yours and you almost dropped their plates straight out of your hands when he did.
“um- i have a chicken parmesan and a rib eye?” you felt your voice betray you as it started to waver. the girl with the striking blonde hair gives you a reason to tear your sights off of the man with the striking green eyes when she says, “I have the chicken parm.”
you placed the plate, rather shakily, down in front of her, then did the same for him. it’s then that you hear his deep and raspy voice, just barely a whisper as he says, “thank you.” and just the simplest of those two words makes you want to scurry away, retreat somewhere far beyond this entire building and bury yourself in a hole.
“anything else i can get you two?” you ask, turning your attention to the blonde who shakes her head. you didn’t dare look into harry’s eyes after that. you only nodded once before bolting back to the kitchen and harry watched you go, a longing look dancing within his green eyes.
it wasn’t easy to catch your labored breath and it wasn’t because you were moving so much either. you had shaky hands and a quivering lip, tears pooling in your eyes that threatened to fall any given moment. you leaned against the wall and took that moment that nobody else was in the kitchen as your opportunity to recollect, knowing you still had a good hour and a half before you’d be able to go home.
“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” gabby’s voice breaks through. she already knew, and it was obvious. “y/n, i swear i had no idea that he was here. i don’t even pay enough attention to my customers as it is. i would’ve never had you take those plates if-“ but you shake your head at her, quickly cutting her words short. “i know.” you nod. “it’s okay. it’s just a weird- unfortunate coincidence.”
is this just a crazy coincidence? he wonders that same question over and over. he’s trying to enjoy his steak but all he can think about is how you brought it to him. how you looked at him, as if your world just stopped turning the moment your eyes met, much like his seemed to have.
“so what do you want to do after this?” emma asks as she wipes some left over off of her lips. harry’s eyes meet hers again, his brows knitted. “erm- i think we should probably call it a night.” he tries not to sound like an asshole when he says it but he can tell he’s already offended her somehow.
“really?” she asks, somewhat disappointed and probably a whole lot let down. “yeah, i’m just pretty tired.” he shrugs, his voice low as he speaks to her. she eyes him for a moment before she shakes her head, finding the courage to say something that she’s been wanting to all night long.
“so what are we?” she asks, and harry nearly choked on his broccoli when those words reach his ears. she waits rather impatiently and he’s wondering how she can even be serious. he takes a sip of his vodka which does a pretty good job as soothing the scratchy feeling in his throat that accumulated over the events of the night, all thanks to his anxiousness.
“erm-“ he takes a moment to think. “i mean, we are friends, i suppose.”
“friends?” she asks, glaring at him a little bit. “so you just take your friends out to a place like this?” she asks, trying to insinuate something more and harry knows it, but he wasn’t going to play along with it. “yeah, i do.” he nods. there was a quick growing bubble of tension around that table after that. emma didn’t touch her food and when harry asked if she wanted desert, “do you buy all of your friends desert?” is what he got back.
he dropped his fork on the plate and hung his head a moment. “look” he mutters before picking it back up and looking deep into her eyes. “i know you probably want more than that, but i’m just not ready for it right now. it has nothing to do with you. i would like to continue being friends if you would.”
emma feels herself internally crumbling but she does a pretty good job at hiding it. “i’ll give it some thought.” she curtly says before looking away from harry, eyes scanning the interior of the restaurant as she does. harry had completely lost his appetite but he didn’t want to leave yet. the thought of walking out of this restaurant and walking away from you, quite frankly made him feel regretful already.
you were still trying to figure out why you couldn’t keep yourself from looking over at him. why were you torturing yourself watching him and his girlfriend right now? they were talking, he was looking deep into her eyes and you felt a sting through your heart when you made yourself watch it.
you already knew he’d moved on. it was two years ago, so it wasn’t really all that shocking. even though you’d yet to give yourself to anybody else but him. still, it hurt. and it hurt like hell. much like it did when you’d set yourself up for sabotage, listening to his songs during the late hours of the night and wondering who they might be about. wondering who he had now. what she looks and sounds like. if he’s happy. if he ever thinks about you.
you were a professional at torturing your heart when harry was the culprit and you knew that when you went home tonight, you’d lock yourself in your room and play his songs on repeat while the tears soak your pillows. there was no way around it.
“i think i’m ready to go home.” emma tells harry. he knows he can’t postpone it any longer. he nods his head and takes the last sip of his vodka before calling gabby back over, who now has a scowled look on her face when she looks at him and he’s sure it probably has everything to do with you.
gabby and harry didn’t know each other, they’d never met prior to tonight but you sure did confide in her a lot when it came to that man. she didn’t piece together that the picture that you’d shown her one night as tears streamed down your face matched up to one of her customers and now she simply just wasn’t a fan.
“erm- check please?” he feels a little nervous asking. her brown eyed stare was rather intense as she approached, then quickly fleeted without another word, just to come back and set the black booklet down on the table. “thanks for dining with us tonight. come back anytime.”
her words were not genuine and harry felt that deep within his soul, but still left her a gracious tip before he headed through the dining room, scanning all around in search of you, but you’d disappeared.
you were really outside sitting on the bench on the side of the building. the sticky night air was rather uncomfortable paired with your black slacks and button down long sleeved top, but you didn’t care about that. you had the thought of harry swarming through your mind so heavily that it felt like a weight crushing you from the inside out.
harry didn’t notice you until he got into his car parked across from that side of the building. his heart was again taking control for him when he muttered, “i’ll be right back” to emma who watched and pieced it all together as harry walked across the parking lot and approached you at the bench.
you saw his shoes before you saw anything else and as you picked your head up, your eyes scanning up the body you realized you knew all too well until you met those green orbs that you were sure were going to be the death of you.
“y/n” harry breathes. you can’t even try to push away the feeling of your heart cracking right down the center when he says your name so effortlessly, rolling off of the tip of his tongue like honey.
“i’m- uh- i didn’t know that- erm-“ his hands find themselves stuffed in the pockets of his trousers as he tries to find the words he’s not even sure he can say. “i’m sorry if-“
“just stop, please.” you mutter almost inaudible but harry hears it loud and clear. you stare up into his eyes, wondering if it’s the last time you ever will. “you shouldn’t be over here. your girlfriend is waiting for you.”
“she’s not my girlfriend” he says with a chuckle and he wasn’t even sure why he did. you knit your brows together, wondering why he’s lying to you right now. “she told me she was.” you inform him, earning his brows to do the same. “when did you speak to her?” he asks. “i served your tequila. she said her boyfriend would probably want another one.”
harry feels a little bit of anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach but what’s more important to him is letting you know the truth. “no, she isn’t my girlfriend. she wants to be, but i told her no.”
you take a minute to eye him. he’s changed a lot. he got a hair cut, has a little facial hair now, a few extra wrinkles beside his eyes but damn if he didn’t look just as handsome as ever. but then you realize that there’s no reason for you to even be thinking this way about him.
“well, that’s none of my business. i need to get back inside.” you say before rising from the bench. you didn’t want to walk away from him but you knew that you had to. all that you would be doing if you continued talking to him was breaking your own heart even more.
but when you reach the door you hear his voice call out to you again, you can’t help but to have to fight ten times as hard to keep the tears from slipping down your cheeks. “i’m sorry, Y/N.” he says, taking a few steps closer. “for everything i did to you. i’m sorry.”
you don’t know why you even did it, but you turn around to face him and even though he hasn’t seen your face in two years he still somehow knew when you were about to cry. “please don’t cry” he barely whispers. “i just- i needed you to know that.”
“it’s been two years, harry.” you nearly growl the words and harry can hear the pain that lingers through your voice so easily. he hangs his head, nodding as he does so. “it has.”
“you had all the time in the world to apologize to me but you never did. do you remember the last thing you ever said to me?” you ask, taking a few steps closer, your eyes piercing his.
“yes.” he says, rather ashamed at that.
“you told me that you never loved me, harry. you told me that you never loved me after i gave you every part of me. after we talked about our future and how he wanted a family. after you made so many promises to me. after you made me fall in love with you, you told me basically that it was all a lie.”
“the only thing that was a lie was what i said.” he picks his head up, his voice gaining strength as he becomes desperate for you to believe the words. “i always loved you, y/n.” his eyes wallow in yours, and it’s something that makes you feel like you could collapse at any given second.
“i don’t know why you pick now to tell me all of this. you have a girl in your car right now, harry. don’t make her feel the way i feel right now.”
“i don’t give a damn about her!” he finds himself shouting, you inhaling a sharp breath when the words stun you. “she’s nothing to me, nobody else is. all i’ve thought about since the day we broke up was you, Y/N. i fucking write songs non stop about you!”
this shocks you to say the least. you’d always wondered if he ever did write a song or two about you but figured he wouldn’t write a sappy masterpiece about a girl he never loved before.
“i have been a fucked up person since that night.” harry admits, and you feel the need to defend yourself for reasons you weren’t even sure of. “you? what about me?! i’m not the one that left, harry.” he looks down at his scuffed up shoe and nods, resonating with all the words reaching his ears.
“i know that.” is all he can say, and you’re finding yourself winding down from the adrenaline fueled by your anger and instead retreating back into your shell, walls build up solely because of the man in front of you.
“i made that mistake and i promise it’s the biggest one of my life.” he whispers the words as he takes a step closer, almost close enough to feel the body heat that radiates off of him and even though you’re internally screaming at yourself to take a step back and tear your eyes away from his, you don’t.
“all i can say is that i’m sorry, y/n. i’ll never stop being sorry.”
you feel the spell being casted over you once again, just like it had two years prior. you feel your heart giving up at trying to fight him, and you’re so close to opening that door you swore was nailed shut just to let him back in, until gabby shouts out to you from where she stands at the side door.
“y/n, your table needs you.”
you don’t even look back at harry before rushing away, but again, when you reach the door he calls for you. “y/n, can i call you or something? maybe we can talk about this?”
you really have to fight the words that slip past your lips, because your heart was telling you one thing but your intuition was telling you another. so you turned around, only halfway, taking in the look of him and all he had to offer before you shook your head and said, “you should go home, harry.”
he watched as you disappeared behind that door. he had a heavy heart the whole way to emma’s house where he simply dropped her off without a word. he had an undeniable aching pain in his chest the whole way back to his house, and when he finally got inside and closed the door, locking himself in his own confinement, he collapsed on the couch and let the tears soak his pillows, unknowing that from only ten miles away, you were doing the exact same thing...
