paper girl;

carly; 8teen. un-extraordinary. "she was not an adventure. she was not a fine & precious thing. she was a girl."

[carlyyevans]

andyoscars:

sitting by carly’s side in the waiting room, andy couldn’t help the nervous bounce of his leg as he sat there holding her hand and waiting. just waiting. he’d been by her side for months, unable to do anything but hold her and read every book he could find on babies. autumn had bought him ‘what to expect when you’re expecting’ and he’d read it cover to cover- twice. which was quite the feat with his dyslexia. he knew that he was in way over his head but at the same time, he wanted a family. he wanted a family of his own and he loved carly more than he’d ever loved anyone. it was fast, but it was happening and they’d gotten on board and rallied. “i’ve been nervous for five months, and i have a feeling that i’ll be nervous for the rest of my life, but i’m excited,” andy assured her, bringing her palm to his lips and smiling. “i dunno, not having a dad, i just don’t wanna screw it up. i want this kid to know how loved it is. and you, i want you to know how loved you are,” he added, pushing a strand of hair from her face and pressing his lips to her forehead.

carly didn’t understand what family went, regardless of her family being a powerful and well-known one. she knew that a family was supposed to be there for you and love you no matter what, from what she saw from the movies and books she read, but she never truly felt it until now. it was the day they would find out the sex of their little one, and she wouldn’t lie when she’d say she was nervous. scared that her struggle with anorexia a few years ago had fucked things up, scared that something would go wrong with how she treated her body before, you always hear it when it comes to people who dedicate their life to sports, but so far she thought she was doing pretty good, reminding her that her image wasn’t the most important thing anymore, that she didn’t have to be perfect but there were small doubts. when the nurse had brought them back she had sat on the bed and they waited for their doctor. she told carly what their appointment was for, what they’d be looking for, and if they wanted to know the sex which both had clearly said yes too. when they put the gel on her stomach it was cold, as she held the hand device she smiled, carly took it as a good sign, but then, what she said next had made carly grip andy’s hand even harder. “you’re having twins, a boy and a girl, congratulations,”

[andyoscars]

andy had always said, he’d wished his dad had left when he was a baby. he’d fought with his mother a lot n the subject- if he was going to leave, why not just leave before andy had a chance to know him? he thought it was unecessarily cruel for his father to raise him for seven years and then, all of a sudden, not be there one morning. and now, being faced with this, andy cursed his father in his head. was that really his legacy? was that going to be what andy carried around with him? “of course i love you, carly, you’re amazing. and- and maybe you don’t have a family, but we’re going to be just fine,” andy whispered, moving from sitting across from her to sitting beside her with his arm around her shoulder; squeezing tightly. “um, excuse me, what do you mean, doesn’t have a family?” autumn piped up, to which eli simply rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement with his outspoken girlfriend. “we’re going to be okay, carly, we’re going to be better than our parents, we’re going to take this baby and be good parents to it. you’re not holding me down, not at all. i helped make that baby, it’s both of ours and we’re in this together,” andy whispered against her hair, kissing the side of her head. 

[carlyyevans]

after telling andy, and then eventually rose, and settling in, they had a lot of appointments. carly had avoided her parents, they didn’t call anymore much less care, but carly had hid a lot when she went out in public, and stayed away from the upper east side all together if she could. her belly was pretty big for five months, she supposed that she must be having a rather large baby. often she would be doing homework on the couch and she’d rub her hands all over her belly, and she’d find herself either crying or laughing because this was her life and it was her duty to take care of this thing. it was another appointment, they were going to find out the sex of the baby this appointment. carly laced her fingers with andy’s while she watched mom’s and their children, silently wishing that her own mother would just... show up and be a mom. but her mother didn’t know and probably wouldn’t know until after the baby was born. “carly evans?” the lady had called and carly had taken a moment to get up and walking with andy towards the back. “nervous?” she asked andy with a raised eyebrow but there was a small smile. she was nervous -- but excited. 

[andyoscars]

Andy couldn’t even imagine what Carly was feeling right now. He could, to an extent, because the panic and anxiety rising up in him was probably the same for her, but the baby was actually in her. She’d have to give birth to it, after carrying it for nine months, she had the majority of the work on her shoulders. Eli and Autumn gathered around them and for a moment, Andy felt a peace, until the realization of what was happening came falling around his shoulders all over again. “I mean, I’ve never been around babies, but Sadie and Casper aren’t dead yet, so I can help,” Autumn piped up, trying to lighten to mood before just squeezing Carly’s shoulder and sitting beside Andy. Andy looked up at Carly sharply, shaking his head quickly. “Whoa, hey, I love you. And okay, yeah, it’s sooner than expected, but- look, the way I see it, I never really had a dad. This way, I will, cause, er, it’ll be me. And I’m gonna love this baby so much cause we made it. I’m not going anywhere. Even when it’s hard. I’m not leaving,” He said firmly, remembering very vividly the moment his dad left, and swearing to himself that he wouldn’t do that to his own child.

[carlyyevans]

carly’s whole life had been a series of, “it’s your fault,” she can hear her father and mother’s words ringing in her ear. “why can’t you be like bryon?” constantly, and it got overwhelming. she couldn’t be bryon because she was carly. she would never be bryon. biting her bottom lip her hand instinctively went to her stomach because now there was a life form in there, she rubbed it, as if to protect them from her own thoughts. “i was raised by my nanny,” she whispered, it was quiet and panicked. she never had a mother or father either, she only had a nanny. she balled her hands into tiny little fists, watching as andy’s tiny family of eli and autumn plus the animals surrounded them. hearing the words that he loved her had shocked her a bit, she had heard it before, but the last boy that had said it was high out of his mind, she didn’t know whether to take it to heart or not. it was her father’s abandonment and her mothers trust issues leaking into her to always question when someone said they loved her. “you do?” she was still whispering, as if she spoke any louder would it break the spell. “i love you too,” out of all the boys she had in her life, whether she was related to them or not, she could honestly say, that andy was the best person in her life, if not the only person in her life. “i just don’t want to make you feel like i’m holding you down or i fucked something up,” when you’re conditioned to believe it’s your fault for something- it sticks with you for a long time. 

[andyoscars]

“it’s going to be okay,” autumn, ironically enough, was the first to speak up. the girl who had never held a baby in her life rounded the couch, coming over to rest her hand on carly’s back. “you can stay here with us, with andy, we have the room, it’s going to be okay,” her own parents were young when they’d had her, but autumn had seen real love in her mother and father. she’d seen them go against the odds and have a great family despite parental disapproval. andy nodded silently, holding onto carly’s hands like they were his lifeline. “we’ll be okay, carly, this kid- it’s gonna be so loved, and i-i’m gonna try so hard to be a good dad, even if i’m scared to death. but i’m here. you’re not alone in this,” he whispered, reaching up to gently cradle her face in his hands; hazel eyes locking with hers as his thumbs stroked her cheeks. 

[carlyyevans]

carly could only think of the fact that after this news got out, inevitably, because of her last name, people were bound to find out, she couldn’t help but think that her parents would never speak to her again. or bryon would ever speak to her again because of this. not that her family was exactly in speaking terms as it was. but things would change for her. she didn’t know what she was going to do, she was in school still, and she knew what the threats would be, it was so quiet in the room. too quiet. seeing autumn come over to her, she couldn’t quite hear her because she had zoned out. “hey, i mean, we’ll all help, my dad will be excited, he loves kids, he won’t mind coming in and just... i don’t know talking to you, if you needed that sort of parental guidance. my parents had me when they were seventeen and eighteen,” eli joined, he rested a hand on her shoulder and she felt surrounded by a lot of people, but she couldn’t exactly say much other than nodding. “thank you,” she said, grabbing andy’s hands and giving them a gentle squeeze. she felt like she ruined his entire life, that guilt would stay with her. “if you, at any point, don’t want to do this, don’t feel like i’m holding you down okay?” she whispered to him. 

[andyoscars]

andy felt all the blood rushing to his head, waves of sound pounding in his ears as he stared straight ahead. pregnant. she was pregnant. his first coherent thought was, ironically enough, marriage. they could get married. he knew how to change diapers, his little sister liked when he babysat her well enough, it couldn’t be that hard. then he realized he hadn’t said anything for five whole minutes and he looked up, hands shooting out to wrap around her fists, gently prying her fingers loose. “carly, no- this isn’t your fault, oh my god,” he managed to choke out, squeezing his hands and trying to take deep breaths. he still felt eli and autumn’s presence behind them, although there was complete silence. “it’ll be okay…” andy whispered, still trying to suck oxygen into his lungs while his brain raced at a hundred miles an hour.

[carlyyevans]

seeing him freak out is what killed her most since she didn’t know how to exactly help him. she internalized this as much as she could, because if anyone outside found out they would have a field day with her. so she waited in silence, feeling his fingers against hers, she squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. her first couple of thoughts when she found out she was pregnant was her family disowning her. and though they practically already had, it was on a bigger scale now. taking another big breath she nodded her head. “i don’t know what to do now.... i don’t know,” she was keeping it, she knew as dumb as it may be to get pregnant this young, she was keeping it, and that was that.

[andyoscars]

he’d just woken up from a nap, so he was still in that twilight-y zone where he wasn’t entirely sure what year it was, but the serious look on her face had him waking up a little more with each second that passed. “carly-” her voice was shaking and he frowned, feeling nervous beads of sweat on his forehead. she wanted to break up. they hadn’t been together that long, had he seriously messed it up already? then those two words hit his ears and he felt as if everything was spinning. he vaguely registered eli’s sharp intake of breath behind them, but he couldn’t speak. no words were coming out, and his eyes had sort of glazed over to this dazed look while it felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. he’d only had sex once. once. and she was pregnant. he was like a poster child for youth groups that preached abstinence only. you could’ve heard a pin drop in that apartment, while eli quietly called autumn in from the other room.

[carlyyevans]

carly had nothing and everything to lose. she knew what would happen when people would eventually find out. some wouldn’t be surprised, it was bound to happen to one of the evan’s unfortunately it happened to carly. she always assumed that bryon would have this kind of scandal and people would pass it off as nothing because bryon was the poster child of perfection. on another hand, carly knew that her father would definitely disown her, her mother wouldn’t talk to her, how could carly ruin their perfect reputation? they had dealt with her eating disorder in such a shitty way, by pretending it didn’t happen or that it was part of her life, everything she did was shaded, and they pretended she didn’t even exist. she took a deep breath and looked at andy’s shocked face and felt tears prickle at the corner of her eye. “i’m sorry,” she said, her hands balled into tiny fists. “i’m sorry, i fucked up,” though it took two to make a baby she couldn’t help but feel guilty. 

[andyoscars]

he’d just woken up from a nap, so he was still in that twilight-y zone where he wasn’t entirely sure what year it was, but the serious look on her face had him waking up a little more with each second that passed. “carly-” her voice was shaking and he frowned, feeling nervous beads of sweat on his forehead. she wanted to break up. they hadn’t been together that long, had he seriously messed it up already? then those two words hit his ears and he felt as if everything was spinning. he vaguely registered eli’s sharp intake of breath behind them, but he couldn’t speak. no words were coming out, and his eyes had sort of glazed over to this dazed look while it felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. he’d only had sex once. once. and she was pregnant. he was like a poster child for youth groups that preached abstinence only. you could’ve heard a pin drop in that apartment, while eli quietly called autumn in from the other room.

[carlyyevans]

carly had nothing and everything to lose. she knew what would happen when people would eventually find out. some wouldn’t be surprised, it was bound to happen to one of the evan’s unfortunately it happened to carly. she always assumed that bryon would have this kind of scandal and people would pass it off as nothing because bryon was the poster child of perfection. on another hand, carly knew that her father would definitely disown her, her mother wouldn’t talk to her, how could carly ruin their perfect reputation? they had dealt with her eating disorder in such a shitty way, by pretending it didn’t happen or that it was part of her life, everything she did was shaded, and they pretended she didn’t even exist. she took a deep breath and looked at andy’s shocked face and felt tears prickle at the corner of her eye. “i’m sorry,” she said, her hands balled into tiny fists. “i’m sorry, i fucked up,” though it took two to make a baby she couldn’t help but feel guilty. 

[andyoscars]

after they’d gotten back from california, andy’s shifts at the diner had doubled to make up for the time off, so when carly stopped by, he was crashed on the couch fast asleep. eli answered the door and andy vaguely heard carly’s voice from the doorway and his head poked up, a tired smile on his face. “hey, sure, what’s up?” andy sat up, his smile faltering a little at the frown on her face. she looked upset and he got a little nervous, wondering if he’d done something to hurt her or make her angry. he knew he’d been working a lot but he’d thought she would understand the long hours.

[carlyyevans]

carly didn’t know how to go about it, she scratched her arms out of nervousness, rubbing the back of her neck and taking a deep breath. looking up at him took a lot of work. carly never was a fan of confrontation, or anything of the sort, she normally went the opposite direction whenever anything was brought up. “so uh,” her voice was shaky and then she cleared her throat, she felt like she was being choked, she was nervous for how he would react to it. if he’d break up with her or runaway. she didn’t know. “i’m pregnant,” 

[carlyyevans]

carly hadn’t had a fun couple of months after going to california. when she had gotten back she didn’t feel right- she was always sick and didn’t feel good most days. she figured that with her period not coming was due to the stress and the fact that she was exercising more to try and get on the track team at columbia, even though she hadn’t actually talked to her family this entire summer. she was used to missed periods because of that, but sitting on the bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test she didn’t know what to think. rose, her maid, had bought it for her, there were too many people that followed carly and her family around for anything to sink their family more in a hole. knocking on eli and autumn’s door she felt her hands start to shake. when eli answered the door she smiled slightly and walked in to try and find andy. “hey, i need to talk to you about something,”

[andyoscars]

“okay, but first, five more minutes,” andy grumbled, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her down onto the bed and burying his face in the crook of her neck. taking a deep breath, the boy smiled slightly and glanced over at her; brown eyes gazing at her warmly. their relationship was still new, to the both of them; she had been seriously hurt by two people already, and his ex was no picnic either, they were both just very cautious souls. but he couldn’t deny the way she made him feel, how amazing he felt when he was around her. “california agrees with you, you look beautiful,” he mumbled sheepishly, kissing her cheek. his mother had been texting him constantly, asking if he’d be making the drive up to San Francisco; he hadn’t decided quite yet, but he did know that he wanted his mom to meet Carly. his mother and little sister were the most important people in his life aside from Carly, he just wasn’t sure if it was too soon or if she even wanted to meet his mom.

[carlyyevans]

carly had a few problems when it came to her self image, and the way that she was around things she could and couldn’t control. she made lists and had tasks to complete, it was years and years of growing up on the upper east side and constance before she went to akamai that did it to her, she had to realize that she needed to relax sometimes. especially on vacation. “okay, five more minutes sounds good,” she said, laying beside him, her fingers combing through his bedhead, “i hope to tan a little,” she smiles, her cheeks blushing. she liked the moments like this. they had quite a bit of mornings like this, when everyone woke up late and ate brunch together. she liked his friends, not having many herself, it was a new feeling but she welcomed it. “so, any other plans while we’re here in california? or do you just wanna stick to los angeles?”

[andyoscars]

opening an eye from where he was laying curled up on the couch, he smiled a little as carly simply sat down and began rattling off things on her list that they could do. he was glad she was excited, now he felt like they were on his turf. he’d come to LA once or twice, so he knew the good places to check out. “definitely universal then the beach. we can save the museum when the weather’s bad later this week,” he said, his voice low from sleep as he sat up.

[carlyyevans]

carly was one to make lists, she liked making lists it gave her the illusion of control, which was something she was working on since she needed a list or a goal for everything in her life, something that was implanted in her from her father. sitting down next to him she had gone down the list and waited for his reply, seeing as though he was a bit sleepy she felt bad, but the girl was jetlagged and woke up earlier to take a quick jog around the block and then came back to see that he was still asleep, and then she made the list and here they were. “okay, universal first, i have water bottles from home to bring, lotion of course, and i packed the bathing suits already just in case we went somewhere with water. everything is ready to go. we can get coffee first,” she chuckled, ruffling his hair a little. 

[carlyyevans]

“okay, so i made a list of places we can go,” she said looking down at the compiled list. “it just depends on what you feel like doing this afternoon,” she leaned into him a little, “there’s the grove, there’s universal studios, there’s disney land which bates and haley were talking about, there’s a couple of cool museums or there’s the beach. what do you want to do?”

[andyoscars]

“it’s like really, really fancy ice cream, i didn’t really get the hype,” andy admitted with a laugh, knowing that she’d basically been all around the world and the only places he’d been were san francisco and new york. he hoped to one day travel, but for right now, even navigating around the city was nervewracking. he was glad to have carly beside him, aside for obvious reasons, just so he wouldn’t keep getting lost. “she’s a fire ball, for sure. she is legitimately convinced she’s a princess, which, to be fair, we all treat her like one so we haven’t done much to convince her otherwise,” andy smiled, thinking about his little sister and how bubbly of a child she was. she’d love new york, all the lights and sounds, she’d fit right in. “s’mores cupcake, you don’t even have to sell me on anything else. suddenly, i’m starving,” he grinned, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and squeezing, the movement feeling natural and easy.

[carlyyevans]

“it’s better in paris,” she smiles downward, noticing how gross that sounded, shaking her head, “forget i said that. wow, that sounded incredibly stuck up and gross,” she had always been ashamed of her name because many people in her family flaunted their wealth and she wasn’t like that. she looked straight ahead as her cheeks burned, but it quickly passed as they started talking about her sister which was a nice change. sometimes she forgot she had her own sibling, they weren’t close when they were kids, it was fight after fight trying to win their fathers affections, it wasn’t until carly came back to akamai that they had gotten close again, and now he was gone. “i’d love to meet her,” she chuckles at the thought, never believing in fairytales herself it was nice to think that another little girl could be able to without worry or care in the world. “s’mores cupcake is the best, i could eat a million of them,” she agreed, “i also just really love anything with peanut butter, i don’t care what it is i’ll eat it,” she laughed, squeezing his hand, the sensation new -- but she liked it. 

[andyoscars]

“well hey, cupcakes are awesome, so can ya blame her? i got gelato the other day, we should get some of that soon. it was like some fancy flavor, uh, tiramisu or something like that,” andy was always a fan of sugary stuff, until he hit his sugar crash and then he’d get really crabby. autumn had laughed herself off the couch one day when he moped around after eating half a container of ice cream and complained about, of all things, tv programming. “what? oh my gosh, it’s such an awesome city, but it definitely cannot be experienced from inside a car. we should try and go this summer, you could meet my little sister becca,” he suggested with a grin, nudging her a little. “so, tour guide, best type of cupcake, gimme some suggestions,”

[carlyyevans]

“god, i love gelato, remember to the times she had gotten it with her mother in paris, it seemed like such a far off memory, she can’t remember the last time her and her mother really talked. taking a deep breath she pushed the memory away as she looked back up at him. “i would love to go san francisco with you and meet your sister. she sounds like a fun little fire ball,” she smiles, missing her own sibling -- but she didn’t know where bryon was anymore. “okay, well, you got smore’s cupcakes, you got recess peanut butter cupcakes which is my personal favourite, honestly it just depends what you’re feeling, because where we’re going has all of it,”

[andyoscars]

andy felt the sun on his face and for a moment, the greyscale of winter faded for a bit and he felt like a person again. he really couldn’t wait for spring. “so you’ve got the in on cupcake shops in this city, eh? i know all the good seafood places in san fran so we’re about even. just wait till we’re in my city,” andy loved his home, the leap of faith it took to move from there to new york city had been astronomical, and he often still found himself getting homesick. her hand grabbed his and it felt like a herd of horses were thundering over his chest in a really good way. he held onto her hand, swinging them as they walked; turning to gaze at her whenever she wasn’t looking. 

[carlyyevans]

carly still had no idea what to do about school since she should be there. she didn’t know what to tell her parents, when she had come back the first person she saw was rose who was ecstatic to see her but also confused as well. but she knew that regardless of what beef she had with bryon and her dad here, this would always be here home. “i do,” she nodded her head, “props of having a ten year old cousin who loves cupcakes. that’s all she wants to do when i see her,” she laughs, looking down at their hands for a moment and smiling to herself. she couldn’t remember the last time she felt this good -- it had been a while. she wasn’t one for much physical affection but this was nice. “i’ve only seen san francisco from hotels when my mom had business, i’d love to actually explore the city, and not from a car,” she chuckled, “so you’ll get to play tour guide then.”

[andyoscars]

lately, he was a mess. he hadn’t been sleeping, his dad was trying to get in touch with him, eli and autumn were busier which was fine, it just left him alone most of the time and when andy was alone, it was bad. he got, as alex liked to put it, dark and twisty, and he wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it. it just felt like the winter would never end, that the shades of blues and greys were all they had, and he needed spring. he needed direction, he needed bright colors and sunshine, and he realized- he needed carly. not in a way where he would get depressed when she wasn’t there, but in a way that she gave him the same feeling that he got when he lived in san francisco and the sun was shining and he just explored the city he’d lived in his whole life; she was a feeling of something familiar that felt new all the time and he liked that. “well, pretty sure that eli and autumn are being polite and not having sex while we stand here in their kitchen but i don’t really want to wait and see how long their patience and eli’s self control hold out so wanna get outta here?” he laughed a little, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pressing his lips to the top of her head. “we can go get coffee, find a cupcake place? i dunno, i feel like a cupcake,” his sunshiney personality always came out when he was happy, and although there was still a lot they were both unsure about, he felt pretty damn happy today.

[carlyyevans]

carly can’t remember the last time she felt human. when she was in oxford she was in a constant state of isolation. she had track mates and classmates of course but that didn’t mean anything if there was no real emotional connection. and when she had thought about it -- she didn’t really have a group of friends like that ever in her life. it was the problem when you built homes in faulty people. but she was realizing that andy might have been a little broken, but so was she and she was scared that it wouldn’t work, maybe he’d get tired of her, but she was willing to step out in faith and give love a try again. maybe it would hurt but maybe it would be better. “okay, sounds good,” she said with a small laugh, walking out with him into the nice day that they were having. the sun was out and there was a slight breeze but it was welcoming. “there’s a couple good places in manhattan, when i would babysit my cousin she scouted out all the good cupcake places.” she had grabbed his hands and intertwined them together, which was something that she would gladly get used to. 

[andyoscars]

andy had lived in the background his entire life; not intentionally, it wasn’t like his mother didn’t love him. sure, their relationship was strained since he looked more and more like his dad with each day, but he knew that she loved him and wanted him to be happy. no, it wasn’t a family issue, just an ‘andy’ issue. even with eli and autumn, who he loved to bits & pieces, he just seemed to fade into the background of other peoples’ lives and sometimes that got to him. it was like trying to find who you were when it was constantly shifting and evolving to fit other people. but with carly, they were two kids, setting off on their own paths in this mixed up, at times terrifying world, and it reminded him of when he was young, before his dad left, before everything changed. she was like that friend who sat next to him at preschool, who shared her crayons with him, when it was so easy and there was no pretending to be anyone else unless it was recess and you played superheroes. being with carly reminded him of kindergarten. “well, i’ve never had a girlfriend before, so looks like we’re even,” he smiled slowly, brushing some red hair from her eyes, his hands gently cupping her face. “i can work with that,” the boy laughed softly, gently wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her close. “we can figure things out, two heads are better than one,”

[carlyyevans]

carly didn’t grow up like most kids did. when kids were playing on the playground she was following her mother around in her studio and behind the scenes at fashion shows, and then she was shuffled off to the million sports that constance had held, the reason she had gone to akamai was because it was more a publicity thing, they donated money to the school and made it look good with the evans last name, of course the one who stole the light there was bryon, which carly didn’t mind too much. carly just wanted to live and she felt like she couldn’t do that. she had a passion and it had always been art, which she was extremely lacking in now because she just... lost it. looking at andy had reminded her of an unfinished masterpiece, it still had a lot of work but he was beautiful inside and out. he had a world of color and she wanted to explore it with him. she rested her head against his shoulder, drinking in the moment for as long as she could afraid that if she’d move then it would go away. “what do we do now?” she laughed a little, she had to -- she was still scared and utterly confused but it wasn’t so bad now.