I'm An Open Book

My name is Charly and I can explore the world all I want but exploring who I am is just as much as an adventure!

[petercapaldy]

labels are ugly

[gleeperformances]

Stereo Hearts

[therealabraham-blog]

You wanted androgynous? You got it.

[charwinkle-blog]

Fearlessness

I KNOW that I am fearless! Being a goalkeeper is probably one of the most frighting positions an athlete can play and if I could go back and do my soccer career over, I'm not 100% certain that I would choose the same path. Regardless, I am the type of person that takes action and I don't get scared easily! I've done a lot of fun and stupid things in my life and taken chances that many would not have. But this is it for me, I get to have my last hurrah, I get to spend the next 4 months doing what I love with extraordinary girls, but the fear that is creepy up and encompassing more and more of my thoughts is what happens next? I have had Fearlessness in my actions because I was confident in what I am doing. However, I am petrified in thinking about my life after soccer. What kind of person will I become? What directions will I take? Will I find new goals and passions that will drive my actions towards happiness?

My greatest fear is the unknown. I want to be able to look bad and be proud and excited at the path that I took after soccer. I don't want soccer to be the highlight of my life but I want it to be a great start to an even better life.

I use to have confidence in my fearlessness attitude about life, until reality come crashing down. Fake it till I make it! I will have to find a way to overcome this anxiety and fear that have presented itself in my life. I've overcome obstacles in my life before, this is just another stepping stone, even if it feels like I'm trying to step over an Egyptian Pyramid. I know that I can do great things will my life, I'm just confused on where to begin. The crucial element I get to remember is to go forward with a fearlessness attitude and confidence that my Heavenly Father will guide and support the perfect path for me. 

[charwinkle-blog]

Thankful to be a Women-Title IX

Today is the 40th anniversary of Title IV, the single most important date in women's sports. Being a women and an athlete is a beautiful and divine combination, that has inspired nations and changed lives all over the world. I am the person I am today because of the opportunities Title IV granted to all females. A True women can emulate both her femininity and masculinity with a balanced dexterity. What makes a women athlete so specials is the fact that women play sports with a grace unknown to man and a toughness made extraordinary due to our childbearing ability. Women athletes embody what a True Goddess is made of: A powerful tsunami stopping at nothing to achieve greatness with the divine calmness and purity of the ocean waves smoothing the roughness of the earth. A women who is proud and confident in her achievements and in her failures. Rising above the expectations of the world and proving that women are special and deserve to be loved, cherished, and appreciated.   

Title IV gave every single girl in the United States the ability to become and achieve more then the World has every allowed. Title IV set in motion the world and culture we have today. Women succeeding in the workplace, becoming CEO's and Doctors, women are now allowed to serve in the military, women becoming Professional athletes and still being able to be mothers, role models, and heroines to future generations. Title IX gave birth to a world where dreams become reality for women and girls all over the world. I am so thankful for the women who where trailblazers for my generation, Mia Hamm, Brandi Chastain, Kristine Lilly, Michelle Akers, Serena and Venus Williams, Billie Jean King, and Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Thank you so much for giving me the chance to pursue and achieve my dreams of playing college soccer.

[charwinkle-blog]

Last weekend my feelings were at a heightened level of disgust. My older brother had recently become engaged to a girl he hardly knew and was under a lot of fire from friends and family. After just two short weeks of being engaged he called it off. My revulsion at my brothers actions increased even more after finding out he ran Ragnar with 6 other girls the day after he broke up with his fiancee. How could my own brother treat women so badly and not feel any remorse for his actions?  My distain for his actions were evident and he confronted me. I should have gone and talked to him myself but I felt like it wasn't in my place to tell him my opinions. However, my attitude towards him was hurting our relationship ergo my brother confronted my callous behavior. 

What came next perplexed my whole perspective on the situation and left me feeling remorse for my behavior. My brother did feel disgusted in his actions, he couldn't understand what possessed him into letting the situation get so out of hand. He felt the pressure of being a single LDS male and going into the Marines in the fall, he felt that if he didn't get married this summer he never would. The other party wasn't innocent  either, his fiancee had previously been married, had two children already, and had a mountain of debt. She was also looking to get married, she wanted a man to save her from her disposition. They both rushed marriage and my brother ended it when he realized it was a mistake. 

Basically I didn't understand how my brother could say he was in love with a girl and then a few days later basically go on a date with another girl. Myself being a girl I would feel used and utterly alone if the guy I was dating did that to me. I am very proud to be a women and sometimes I feel like men don't appreciate women enough. I was projecting me own insecurities onto my brothers situation. 

I judged my brother on his actions and didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt. He knew the relationship was wrong and had been feeling sick to his stomach for a week. He was so angry at himself and was taking it out on his family. Overall my brother felt  embarrassed for his actions and felt relief for the first time in a week when he finally had the courage to end it. 

This is a lesson that I will never forget, if I cast my judgements out freely without understanding the person or their position, I could damage many relationships. I was negative and hurtful towards him when I shouldn't have been. To sum up the moral of the story I shouldn't judge or criticizes others because I don't know where they are coming from or what they have been through. What I perceive is very different from what others perceive and the best thing I could do is just support and love the people around me.  

[charwinkle-blog]

Having a dream or a goal is a wonderful thing! I feel so focused knowing I am going to achieve greatness! This is my year of many life altering changes, I can make this the best year since 2005 when my club team won state cup or 2007 when my club team went undefeated in season and beat the number 1 team in the region and were also in the top 10 in the nation. I know that I seem like a crazed soccer player, thinking back to my most thrilling wins! But its true, I know that I am not anything close to normal. Since the time I was 5 years old till now, soccer has been the center of my life. Most people would condemn the life I have lived, thinking I wasted many years on a sport that will only get me so far, being a women and all. There is no pro soccer for women as of this year (RIP WPS) and if I choose to continue it will be a shell of what I once had. I will try to achieve the same high I feel now playing in college but I will never be successful. How do I proceed from here, my passion, love, and happiness have come from a way of life that is concluding. What I get to do is be thankful for the opportunity that I have been given and take advantage of my senior year. A dream can make a person become their supreme self, giving themselves the chance at a life that only a few get to experience. I know I dream bigger then I should but I cant help it, because deep down I have faith that one of these times it will happen for me. 

[charwinkle-blog]

My Core

Today I got a call from my coach, it was an interesting call and it got me thinking. My coach wanted to talk to my about my competitiveness, which in the past has gotten me in trouble but has also been an ally to me. I always want to be the best and to win so badly I will stop at nothing to accomplish my goals or to succeed. I know that I get to control my emotions better because I tend to get overly frustrated when I'm losing. I don't want to stop being competitive because thats what makes me special but it doesn't mean I get to take out my anger on my own team or my opposing team. Angry is an emotion that I have had struggles with and I know I get to change my behavior when I am having negative and unhealthy emotions. I also need to come to an acceptance that I will not win every soccer game. Its such a hard lesson for me because there is nothing like the feeling of winning when the odds are stacked against me and by some divine power or life altering moment, the game has changed and now I'm on top. Only to have to fight harder to keep the lead and to finish the game strong. Soccer has made me the person I am today and I am grateful for the lessons I've learned in humility, courage, determination, persistence, and teamwork. At my core being is the need to win; my competitiveness, I don't know where I leaned it from or how it develop but I do know it is at the core of who I am and what makes me stand out. Soccer is coming to an end for me but the lessons and my core, I get to take with me for the rest of my life! The next stage I get to take on will be a piece of cake, I always say if I can survive 5 years of college soccer, I can survive anything!

[charwinkle-blog]

Here I Go

't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been Hanging on the promises in the songs of yesterday And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time Here I go again, here I go again Though I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on 'Cause I know what it means To walk along the lonely street of dreams Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time

White snakes couldnt have said it better for what I am feeling. When life is out of control and I have a thousand things racing through my mind, I forget about what's important. These last few months have been crazy and just flew by, leaving me with the last couple of days to take a much needed rest, giving me a lot of time to do some introspection. This is what came to my mind:

There are many changes that are going to occur in the next few months that are inevitable. I will graduate college, my soccer career at the collegiate level will be over, there will be many goodbye's to friends and family, and the decisions I make will change and effect my life forever. If I don't slow down and find my passion and purpose in life, I could find myself with many regrets and lost opportunities. I'm searching for answers that keep eluding my grasps. I know that if I can just let go and trust in Heavenly Father, he will guide me to my life's purpose. I am a very independent person and I have always made my own path and done things my own way. Trusting in Heavenly Father is a daily battle that rages inside of me. It might sound stupid and a lot of people would not understand, but for me it's a pride issue. I sometimes feel that I am strong enough to handle anything and asking for any kind is a sign of weakness. I am sick of it, I am ready to succeed in life and to enjoy it. I am tired of walking alone and going down roads I've always known. So here I go, I've made of my mind and I ain't wasting no more time. My life is about change! Thank you white snakes and I am excited for my new adventure!

[charwinkle-blog]