my voice is just a whisper

"It's like the sun came out" Alexa Mathews || Sixth Year || Gryffindor My name is Alexa but hopefully you know that by now. I'm that super quick chaser on the Gryffindor quidditch team, the one you probably overlook in the corridors. But don't underestimate me just because I look harmless. I have a few good charms hidden away. Feel free to leave me a note. Just promise you won't get annoyed when my over enthusiastic owl attacks you with a reply. [ Roleplay Account ]

[chasing-alexa]

So here’s a nice little out of character post prompted by a rediscovery of this blog. Honestly, I forgot how to login. But when I figured it out, I was instantly hit with a wave of feels for Alexa and all the relationships she had. Actually, one particular relationship that I, as a mun, took for granted, and disappeared on. One that I’ll likely never get to explore or develop, as much as I would have loved to.

I don’t remember why I suddenly stopped coming on this account. I had so much muse for Alexa, was so excited to continue her story when I thought it had ended far too soon. And then I just... stopped. When I finally came back, things had changed, Alexa was taken by another mun who no doubt did a wonderful job of writing her. But she was not my Alexa. Not as I wrote her, not as I developed her. One character written by two different people will never be the same of course. That’s the beauty of writing.

I saw then that I’d missed my chance. Really, you didn’t deserve me disappearing on you like I did. Actually, I’m not even sure why I’m writing this with the hope that you might see it because your account is gone, I wasn’t here and now I’m too late. 

What prompted this is maybe a bit more than just reading through Alexa’s character page again. Not just the fact that I loved her dearly, but the fact that I really loved Connor too, and their dynamic. I remembered I posted a timid little apology written in the tags, which is still here. Because at that time, I felt too guilty for disappearing and thought that everyone had moved on; new group, new plots, new Alexa. So I left it there because I felt like it, and when I returned again, I was even later than before.

It’s only now that I logged into the email for this account, the one that has kept all the messages sent this way even when the blogs have been deleted, that I noticed. I didn’t expect an apology in return, but you might have sent one. Though you have nothing to apologize for my lovely~ It was me that vanished without a trace and was too shy to show my face again when I came back. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking too, but if you did send it, I wanted to send you one more sorry in return. I’m really, really sorry for not continuing like we said we would. I’m really, really sorry that I’m always so far behind on everything. And I really, really hope that if you somehow see this, you know that I still adore you and would always want to continue their story. Even if I’m two years too late.

What a ramble ^_^ I guess I haven’t changed that much, huh? *silently tip toes away whilst hiding behind hands very embarrassed*

[chasing-alexa]

~

[thatmoriartykid-deactivated2015]

[chasing-alexa]

"Distance is only a measure of space, isn't it? A measure of how far away something is from where you are. If that's so true... well, I don't believe it. It's more now. Because lately, distance has been measured by time. Time keeps stealing it away and making the distance greater. The distance that I created isn't mine to control any more. It's become something more than I can just fix. Time just... time makes everything greater than it is. I see you and I want to reach out and tell you that the distance I made is becoming too much for me too handle. But I can't. The thread that kept us together can only stretch so far before it snaps and we can't tie it together again." 

[chasing-alexa]

“Life’s a freaking mess… there’s not one truth ever, just a bunch of stories, all going on at once, in our heads, in our hearts, all getting in the way of each other. It’s all a beautiful calamitous mess.”

- The Sky is Everywhere, Jandy Nelson

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

Look At Where We Are || Connor&Alexa

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

Quietly Connor pushed his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans and he stared down at his shoes analyzing them as he was deep in thought. Multiple different things going through his mind, one of them being what he was going to do about Alexa’s gift for Christmas. What if she didn’t want a gift from him? Or if she didn’t like it..which wouldn’t make him feel any better about the current relationship between him and her. There was also the thought of how he was going to survive these next few days, he had been struggling this past month with his friends. Sure he loved his friends, but in the end he only wanted his best friend. Or..ex-best friend. Which brought him to another thought, were him and Alexa still..friends? It was quite possibly one of his biggest fears; losing Alexa. It didn’t seem possible to him, they were best friends how on earth could they just not be? That’s what it seemed like now though.

A sigh escaped Connor’s lips as he shook his head. Why on earth did every single one of his thoughts have to lead up to Alexa somehow. Every little thing had to do with her. Quidditch, he plays with her. Class, he has class with her. Common room, which he shares with her. Christmas, the whole Christmas dilemma. His problem’s in life, why he’s not friends with Alexa, how to survive these couple days and what to get Gretchen for Christmas. Two out of the three had to do with Alexa. “My life sucks..” He muttered to himself reflecting back on his life and thoughts.

Suddenly he rammed into something, someone and he stumbled backwards his hands coming out of his pockets as he balanced himself. A hand running through his hair as he blinked trying to adjust from the shock and from colliding with the now person. “Shit, sorry..I didn’t-” He cut off mid sentence as his eyes focused on the person he ran into. Alexa. Of course it was her, and he really wasn’t sure what to feel. Shock, confusion, concern, pain? Connor went with all of the above. He stumbled out the rest of his sentence “..see you there.” Connor said quietly as he looked over Alexa for a moment, it felt like years since he had last seen her. She still looked the same, her hair a bit longer and her eyes didn’t have the same old..sparkle to them. He felt kind of..awkward, not sure what to say. Huh, so this is what it feels like to see a best friend after so long he thought to himself. It was like seeing a familiar stranger. “I- uh..how..are you?” He asked lightly clearing his throat.

[chasing-alexa]

Oh crap. Oh crap crap crap. Finding herself hoping that occlumency wasn't an unknown talent of Connor's, Alexa tried to silence the sudden stream of mental cursing rushing through her mind at the situation. It was just like her, she thought, to run into him in this way. To crash into him so that she was left with no resort but to actually face him. She'd been avoiding him for too long now for this to be easy. What was there to say? 

She then looked up at Connor again, her usual uncertainty intensified so much that it was all she could do to meet his eyes for a mere second before having to return her eyes to the cold, stone floor. Her dark hair covered her face a little as she did so and Alexa was for once glad of this, kept her fidgety fingers away from the tendrils to make sure it stayed there. Would he mention her disappearing act? Would she even let them acknowledge it if he did? Alexa was at a loss for answers, something she'd never felt around Connor before. And it was all her fault. None of his. He didn't deserve being messed around like this. He shouldn't have to worry about her.

Mimicking his actions to ease any tension, she began to paint the old façade onto her features before she answered him. "I'm good. I mean, I'm fine, I've been... great." she sighed. "it's freezing out there so I came back a bit, uh, earlier than expected." Not that he probably knew where she had been, she realised a second too late. Second nature meant that she naturally assumed he did - it had been like that since the day they met, always knowing where the other had been even if they had never told each other. Until now apparently.

She looked around quickly, searching for another friend of his maybe, but found they were on their own, Alexa still as cold as she was five minutes previously although now it wasn't only because of the weather. Her thoughts were so jumbled up it was hard to catch even one small thread, leaving Alexa to forget the polite thing to say when you have hardly anything to say at all and jump right to the first thing that sprung to mind. "Why on earth are you out here anyway?" she asked, perhaps more forcefully than intended. "Sorry. I didn't mean... just, how come you're not in the common room with everyone else?"

If she had had any sense of strength at that moment, she would've said sorry again. Sorry for so much more that she couldn't explain. But she didn't. And then she felt the apology bury itself back underneath all her guilt, too little energy left to try and pull it back.

[prettylittlemanips]

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

Look At Where We Are || Connor&Alexa

This wasn’t how Connor pictured his Sixth year at Hogwarts to go. He was suppose to be spending almost every minute with Alexa, laughing with her. Sneaking off to Hogsmeade, trying to mess with her in class, pull some jokes with James, Having an awesome Quidditch season and having an over all awesome time. IT seemed though that only one of those was really working out, and that was Quidditch. They’ve only had one game so far, which they won, but practices were going great and he had high hopes. Everything else was far how he expected it. It had all started a couple weeks ago, to be exact it was four weeks and five days ago when things started to go wrong. Not like he was keeping track or anything. Finales were around that time and everyone was busy with work and Quidditch. Connor found himself not even seeing Alexa anymore, James always gone off to who knows where, Jason was around occasionally as well as Gwen and Lily. Heck even Connor was semi busy, keeping his grades up okay so he wouldn’t fail. Even when tests were all done with though, he barely saw Alexa.

It really didn’t bother him all that much, because he knew Alexa cared about her grades and doing good and he figured he would run into her eventually and see her. Or she would simply come and find him. A day turned into a couple days, a couple days turned into a week. Anxious he sent her a few owls, would ask her friends where she was, and even look where he figured she would be. No luck. Eventually he stopped though, deciding that she would talk to him when she wasn’t so busy. He didn’t expect it to be so long though. Connor found himself spending more and more time with James, Ben, Jason, Gwen, Lily. All people he wasn’t exactly close to but became closer with for the sake that Connor didn’t really have another choice. He would hang out with them in the order of Ben, James, Jason, Gwen then Lily. Then if none of them could he would find some random or go to the Quidditch pitch. It hurt not seeing Alexa, sure he caught slight glances of her here and there, for he only had so many classes with her, and he didn’t even get to sit by her. Which just made matters worse for him, he could feel himself aching to go talk to her. Chuck a piece of parchment at her and ask what the fuck was wrong or going on. But he couldn’t do that..nor could he. So he sat back, and pretended to pay attention to class and also ignore James babbling on about something.

It was a Thursday night, a couple days before they would be off for Christmas break. Which Connor was excited for. Practically the whole house to himself and his siblings. With his parents occasionally coming in, but they were always busy. He sat in the common room with Gwen listening to her talk about Christmas and she wanted to come visit him, and how she got him an awesome present and that she would ‘totally get Alexa to come with them too’. He quickly excused himself from the conversation and walked out of the common room into the dark castle. Connor liked hanging out with Gwen, sure. But sometimes she just didn’t stop..talking. He needed air, and soon enough Connor found himself wandering down some dark hallways and he pulled his red hoodie closer to himself cold.

[chasing-alexa]

Alexa had been up in the owlery for a good hour after Quidditch practise, watching Sephonie twirl around the air in lazy loops and trying to catch the odd treat. It was icy cold. The snow on the steps on the way up had been treacherous, Alexa nearly losing her footing several times as she ran too fast to get away. As soon as she'd got up to the top, she had found Sephonie and cast a charm to create a few blue flames to carry around in a spare jar, which had kept her hands warm for a short while at least. But now, the charm was beginning to lose some of it's effectiveness. it was that or Alexa just began to feel colder.

The truth was, the young Gryffindor had never felt as isolated as she had done over the weeks just gone. This in itself was something of a miracle given that she'd experienced her fair share of isolating situations over the years. But this was worse, far worse. it was almost as if she had been suddenly plunged into icy water after sitting by a fire for so long. She'd had no real idea just how much she'd come to depend on Connor beign there for her. And yes, she thought wryly, it all came back down to him. Or maybe it was back down to her and her stupid lies.

At first, it had simply been the pressure of exams. She new that she could not even begin to entertain the idea of failing, given how important they were. So she'd spent a little more time alone, pouring over complex potion recipes and wand movements in the hope's of distracting her mind from the real truth. Just a few simple conversations had done so much - a talk with Lily one empty Halloween morning, where she claimed it was so lucky that Alexa had someone who knew everything about her. Then a throw away comment from Ever saying the same kind of thing. And then the promise once again, the promise that she and Connor would never lie to each other.

Alexa put her head in her hands. It was all her fault really. The more she thought about it, the more she thought about what might happen if he knew about her lie, the biggest one of all. It wasn't even that much of a big deal when she thought about it now: my parents have a lot of money. There. Done. But now it was so much harder. She'd hidden a whole part of her life from the one person she thought she could trust the most...

Sighing, Alexa gave one last owl treat to a sleepily hooting Sephonie and made the trek back up to the castle and the warm Gryffindor common room fire. The cold was only making things worse. Her footsteps sounding loudly in the dark against the grand staircase, she barely even noticed his shadowed form before she smacked right into him, nearly falling backwards. "Merlin... ow."

Alexa's eyes adjusted and recognised her victim instantly. How could they not? She knew him too well. "Connor!" she said, instead of the intended apology. "Uh... hi?"

[chasing-alexa]

                                                        The

                                    Truth   Is

                                              I am selfish

             I would sell my

                                Soul..

                                    To keep you near me..

[emilyjane-browning]

[chasing-alexa]

Things are quiet at the moment

I've never seen the castle this silent, especially this closely to the half term... I guess everyone has just lost all will to work. I know I have.

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

Good, you should be, Mathews. Not even a little bit of pain, nope. Non, nada. ..Why is it so important..? Nope, I like that motion. I totally want your mum to murder you. That’s a bunch of rubbish and lies. Uh.. you’re not going with anyone? Because I might consider it. Why not? I know you secretly enjoy calling me a loser. But if I came, I could help you pick it out!

[chasing-alexa]

That's encouraging to hear! Well, it's... it was something of my Mum;s before she gave it to me and... yeah. Never mind. -gasps- I'm totally offended! Bet you'd be glad if I was to disappear! And it's sadly not. Um, of course I'm not. Who else would I have to go with? Yeah you're right I do. You're hopeless. -winks-

I suppose so, but then you'd know what it is and what's the point in that. It'll spoil the surprise!

[drewchen-blog]

Thanks, that would be much appreciated. Oh, I’m sure I am. I mean, you were sorted in Gryffindor for a reason. You just need some time to let it come through.

Oh, I’m not sure about interesting, but I can always find a way to occupy my time. Well, I think people are a lot better than we give them credit for - not always, obviously, but sometimes.

[chasing-alexa]

No problem, just give me a reminder! Maybe I'm just a a secret heroine.

At least that's something. And I'm glad that people are nicer than I thought. It's better than discovering they're not as good as I thought.

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

It is! Lately I haven’t been able to do that as much, so I have to make it up.

No problem at all, Mathews. A pain? You’re not a pain at all, really. You’ll get murdered by your mum? That wouldn’t be good..not at all. I know, that’s because we’ve barely seen each other at all. Not a lot huh? Darn. [ Shrugs his shoulders lightly ] I don’t know, just not feeling up to it…and I don’t like going by myself to Hogsmeade. I prefer going with friends or someone..makes me feel like i’m not as big of a loser then I am. Christmas presents? Are you getting mine?

[chasing-alexa]

Make it up all you want, I'll just sit here and let you have your fun.

Aw, I'm flattered Reynolds. Just a little bit of a pain then, really? Yeah... it's pretty important to her but uh... yeah. At least you seem to dislike that notion as much as I do. Never a lot, especially without you.  Well... what am I, if I'm not a friend? If you want to go, you know, you're welcome to tag along. Don't even start with that loser rubbish. Oh! Merlin... well, I can't if you're coming...

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

It’s fun to mess with you. You’re a..what’s it called, charm bracelet, yeah!

Oh was it? [ Awkwardly runs a hand through his hair a bit ] Of course, i’ll go with you to find it. Not like I have anything else to do….you can also catch me up with what’s going on in your life, Mathews. I don’t know if i’m going to Hogsmeades..but we can go before, if you’re like..going and stuff, so you can still go.

[chasing-alexa]

Yeah, I noticed. It seems to be a favourite pastime of yours. Mhmm, that one.

You read my mind. Thank you. I know, it's a pain, I'm a pain, but I really need to find it. I'll get murdered by my Mum if I don't. It also gives me an excuse to spend some time with you... I feel like I've barely seen you these last few weeks, although I'm afraid I can't catch you up on much. Oh? How come? I was going to start looking for some Christmas presents...

[drewchen-blog]

Yeah, it’s definitely easier when it’s someone else worrying. I mean, if I’d lost something, I’d probably be a bit more on the panicking side of things. Oh well … maybe the recklessness will come. 

Are you sure? I don’t mind. But if you think it’ll be okay … 

[chasing-alexa]

Well then, I'll remember to be the calm one if I ever see you in a panic. And I hope you're right.

I'll be fine. I'm sure you have more interesting things to be doing. But thank you so much for offering. Really, I wasn't expecting so many people to be so considerate.

[mr-connor-reynolds-deactivated2]

You’re not. Not at all. My memory isn’t that bad. Wow…that is bad. What did you lose? I could help you try and find it..? Good to know that I don’t make your day worse then it already it is.

Of course, what is it?

[chasing-alexa]

Oh, now you say so. I know... just my bracelet. The one with the tiny charms on it.

-steps back a bit awkwardly- That... is actually what the favour was. I think I left it up in the owlery somewhere but I don't really fancy going up there on my own. Would you mind coming with me? Not for long of course, but maybe before Hogsmeade...

[charmingly-krum-deactivated2013]

If you’re certain. My door’s always open if you need to talk. But I wouldn’t force you.

[chasing-alexa]

I think I am. I... thank you. That's really nice of you to offer.