My Foolish Notion

Falling into Habits

[chasing-tail-lights]

So I know it’s been a bit, I hope your move went well.

I hope you’re doing you’re best.

I appreciate the kind sentiment. It went as well as it could, it heralded the beginning of learning this world without my mother. My wife and I found out days before we left that she had cancer. Five months later and I was signing paper to burn her body.

I know if it weren’t for my Captain, I would not be here in the capacity I am now and I will forever be grateful for her tender loving arms and kisses to soothe the aching in my soul.

I hope you are doing well, anon

[chasing-tail-lights]

2021

This year has been something of the likes of a storm, and I’m aware that any comparison I could make is derivative. Everything has been said before, every melody has been discovered, every sentence already written.

I got married this year, such a life time ago it feels. I’ve moved states as I was given the knowledge that my mother has perhaps 365 days left. I have staved off and succumbed to panic attacks littered like a mine field. This is only the beginning.

I’m not sure to laugh maniacally or weep floods, so instead I stare into space feeling numb to this world. Everywhere I turn all I see is darkness and the light I have only lights the darkness within two paces of where I stand.

I stumble back and forth, tripping over depression which shackles me dragging me down under. I kick as hard as I can to keep my head above water because any time I try to float my face ends up face down and even in a puddle it’s enough to kill me.

I’m desperate for the new year to come, that perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. One day closer to a job that will provide a lifeline of stability and a way to access therapy because in todays society taking care of your mental health is the most costly thing to do.

I wish desperately for more time for my mother so she can simply watch her youngest graduate high school, to see her baby girl graduate college, to see her little boy find love, to watch me find my own two feet, to watch her eldest raise her grand babies.

I wish for a day where my wife isn’t breaking, or holding me as I break. I wish for a safe place where the world is ending isn’t brought up every day as I grapple with my own personal world from crumbling.

I wish for mundane things that seem impossible.

[chasing-tail-lights]

Oblivion

It’s not about control

So much has changed and nothing has moved an inch. There is a peace in letting go. To sincerely give everything you have up.

This pain that I bleed, has not been staunched, but in this moment has slowed to a trickle as I breathe deeply.

Yes, you shall leave me. Your hair falling out with every breeze and stroke of a brush.

Yes, here soon I will not feel your lips brush my forehead or feel the warmth of your hand in mine. Your body vibrating with effort to lift your legs and anxious heartbeat taking this pill to buy you a few scant moments.

The oxygen machine a drumbeat for you to keep breathing throughout the night. Your face exaggerated from steroids, and a voice faint from breathlessness.

You will leave me soon, and I may not be here in your final moments. I see your iron will in each time you stand on your own. I see you humbled as I put on your socks. Your eyes devoid of the light that has led me throughout my life in flashes of frustration as your body betrays you.

Yes, you are dying before any of us are ready, but I have seen Anubis cradle your head to his chest when you cough. He will ferry you soon, and I will trust in him to care for you as this life fails you.

[chasing-tail-lights]

Death

I once mistakenly thought that I was no stranger to death. A false notion of security and protection, a pacifier or a mother’s breast.

Now wrestling with demons of death closer to me, no longer something that happens elsewhere to distant relatives and acquaintances, this reality is raw.

Anticipatory grief.

The two words that describe my current mental state with my mother. Spiraling and tenuously holding on to some form of sanity. My mother is dying a mantra in crevices of my mind. Spinning thread so fine to lay under the arachnoid. This doesn’t make it any more real.

Eight months to two years, time is a fickle thing as she cooks her brain and I am miles away. Stuck in a box as her diamond tears fall. She told me to leave and so I did and now my wife looks into my eyes and her smile slips away. Moving away is hard but no one prepared me for this.

Tick tock goes the clock.

I understand Captain Hook more today than when I was a child. It’s maddening to listen to the sound of time passing. She’s exhausted and sick and still fighting, but most days I selfishly wish she would just go. So I no longer have to hold my breath in anticipatory grief.

[bruisemark]

She thicc

Thoughtful Honest Interesting Caring Compassionate

[chasing-tail-lights]

Dear Jehovah/Mormon elders who decided today was the day for conversation. First and foremost, I will never quite understand why you feel the need to try to converse with someone minding their own business, but I’ll say I was actually surprised that you did admit most who follow any sector of Christian religion do so out of fear of what happens next. I’ll also give credit where it’s due as far as not dragging the conversation out too needlessly. I wish you luck in praying for a soul that does not need your help.

[chasing-tail-lights]

What does she have to do with this?

It’s only you that I pine for.

Besides when did you get married?

Nothing has been posted.

Everything because she is my mistress and I am her cuck 🤤

The official date for marriage is soon, but I have intertwined my soul with hers many moons ago with an exchange of blood.

[chasing-tail-lights]

I truly wish to be the center of your affection and attention.

Lemme ask my wife if that’s cool

[chasing-tail-lights]

Hearth Fire

Loving you is not what I expected. Before you, the love I tasted was that of kerosene and gasoline.

Burning alive to keep those I loved warm. Before you, I was blind to the lit fuse out of sight sizzling, waiting to disabuse.

Women are like fire, and I was drawn to fireflies and bon fires with embers reaching high. Uncaring how unruly fire set everything aflame.

You are the epitome of what home encompasses.

You are the warmth of a fire in a hearth. You are steady and giving. Your flames dance night round with the ebb and flow of your emotions. Never once reaching out to lick and brand me.

You are the light of bioluminescence, lighting even the darkest crevices of me. Bathing my insecurities in a soft glow, you hold me steadfast in your gaze.

For one so fond of dancing in the ashes of destruction, I wish nothing more than to keep you fed. To bask in your warmth, forevermore.

[ace-angel]

‘bi people can pass as straight!’

anyone can pass as straight, if they silence themselves enough.

[pro-aspec-lesbian]

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

[jonesprime-deactivated20210816]

“Silence themselves” implies people hide it. How about they just don’t feel the need to advertise their sexuality? At the end of the day, no ones sexuality ought to be their defining feature (unless they want it to be), and if people aren’t like “oh hey, nice to meet you I’m [insert LGBTQ+ identity]” that doesn’t mean they are silencing themselves.

[lemonsharks]

Every person I meet, I have to assess. Is it safe to out myself? Will they get judgey? Will they get violent? Should I lie?

Do I really want to come out to my Uber driver?

If mention my fiancee, in casual conversation, what pronouns do I use? Most cishets won’t read “they” as queer, and she doesn’t mind me using it to keep myself safe. She has a gender neutral name. I’m lucky she has a gender neutral name. Cishets hear her name and think I’m engaged to a Christopher.

(I’m safer if they think my wife is to be my husband. I wish that I could give her the same gift, the same cloak of plausible deniability, and I hate myself for it. We are both bisexual; we would both be “gold star lesbians” if not for that inconvenient fact.)

My grandmother, who had for 22 years called me her soul-sister, proclaimed us kindred spirits, disowned me for not being straight enough. My father has not spoken me since he found out I’m marrying a woman.

I live in Chicago. I live in a queer neighborhood and work in a queer industry and visit a queer practice for my medical needs. I can clock other queers like a goddamn rainbow swatch. I eat breakfast at a queer cafe and I feel absolutely aglow when I see a cis-looking beardy dude wearing a he/him/his pin so the man I’d misread as a woman can wear that same pin himself and feel normal doing it.

When I was younger, I made a big deal about how my sexuality didn’t DEFINE me. (Because I’ll find a nice man and settle down and be safe and no one will know. Then it might go away.)

But as I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand that who we love and how we love are fucking important.

It’s not a privilege to be read as straight, it’s an insult.

This isn’t passing. It’s hiding.

And I desperately long for the day I don’t have to do it anymore.

[rosy-avenger]

“It’s not a privilege to be read as straight, it’s an insult.”

[chasing-tail-lights]

We are a mosaic of broken intentions

[chasing-tail-lights]

Road trip with my Captain per her request and it was the best decision outside of proposing to her.

[chasing-tail-lights]

[chasing-tail-lights]

Finally got the ring for a proper proposal for my beautiful amazing captain in front of my family. I can’t believe I found someone so supportive and full of excitement to spend this life with. My Captain, you came into my life like lightning and I’m more than willing to dance in any rain with you and sun bathe in the warmth of your smile. You are my little piece of the sun and everyday I fall even harder. I can’t wait to take your last name and spend days in bed laughing together, here’s to us, baby girl.

Forevermore,

Pipsqueak

[archae-heart-deactivated2021012]

wildfire skies

[sixpenceee]

[chasing-tail-lights]

I am alive with you. The very essence of you flowing through my veins. The way you say my name whispering in my ear, the way you touch me vibrating my existence, the taste of you tantalizing my tongue.

I compared you to a storm when we first met, and your eyes spark with lightning, your heart beat thunders in my ear after we lay together, your tears are a cleansing rain as I whisper things I’ve longed to give voice to for months.

You scatter my carefully worded thoughts with the sound of your laughter. You tie my tongue making me incapable of speech with your smile and the compliments you gift me. You toss my insecurities to the wind by simply looking my way.

I have yet to comprehend how you manage to make me feel like a windswept leaf fluttering in the beginning of a storm, at the mercy of things outside of its control, and simultaneously I feel rooted in place. In your arms, in your presence, in the way my name flows off of your lips.