ChillOutItsGerb

[chillgerb]

Now it's 6 and the sun's coming up and the exhaustion is finally hitting in a hypomanic cycle that's all too familiar

[chillgerb]

It's been a minute and it's been stressful but seeing you all curled up in my covers this morning my heart just melted.

I had forgotten how much I loved you

[chillgerb]

It sucks that I have to cut you out. It's devastating and heartbreaking. Eventually I've realised the stress from this is why I haven't been able to sleep or eat.

I loved you, at least to some extent. It destroyed me for a while when you disappeared, and killed me as everyone else left you over such a, perhaps not minor, but disproportionate issue. To reconnect, to grow close to you again and just begin to find that trust and vulnerability. To, just as things perhaps were turning romantic, learn why everyone left and be pushed to make the same choice hasn't simply been painful for me but is also cruel on you. And this cruelty, this insight into the way this is just hurting you again in the same way makes it all the harder.

I wish I'd known, that I didn't reconnect with you, that I didn't build things up with you again just to tear it away from both of us a second time.

Hopefully one day, if you go through some therapy, if you acknowledge and grow away from some of your actions and choices, we can be close again. Though I know and fear that the way I'm hurting you here and today will lose me that option.

[chillgerb]

I'm really fucking struggling tonight

[chillgerb]

Oh Prophet, you spoke of my future and so it changed. But you revealed to me I must work for it.

[chillgerb]

Living in the Moment

I've struggled to do things for myself for a long time now. Not in the way that I need someone to do them for me but instead in the way that I've only found drive or worth in others. And to that extent I haven't put much thought into my future this year and I hadn't put any in until you. I hadn't planned far but it was the furthest I'd looked forward in a long time.

With each of you I could see where I wanted to be next year and until then I'd been incredibly in the moment or even in the past. Lost in my mind and taking each day as it comes. I would hardly plan to save my paycheck 2 weeks for food let alone my career, home, or anything that might need to change. But between the two of you I knew where I wanted to be, found a place, and even wanted to take on more work- a consistent job and guaranteed income -as opposed to floating through on casual labour I already had.

Over the last few weeks I'd finally been grappling with the idea of my future. Of the fact I was around long term and I needed to take the steps to make sure that future was good. A proper career, a real qualification, working full time. Not only that life was more than today and the few days prior but that it would extend on far longer than even the next six months. That was part of why it was so devastating to hear why you needed to leave.

It was fair, you were looking for something permanent, a life with someone while I was as temporary as it gets. I was terrified at the prospect of anything long-lasting, convinced I would fail to maintain it anything more than a moment and refusing to look forward. But with you, between the two of you, in the safety and certainty you gave me as far as I could choose to see; I had finally come around to the idea of a life, far longer than a moment.

I've wallowed and wasted for several years now but it's time to move forward, it hurt that you left because I hadn't been ready to do that for you, and it would betray you and what you were to me to delay it further 'cause you left.

[chillgerb]

You know that happy feeling, that big smile and small laugh. You get when you see someone or something that reminds you of them, a piece of clothes that still smells like them, maybe a gift they left?

I just held my hair in my hands and looked at the green and had that moment of comfort and safety in someone, after a moment I realised that someone was me getting to be who I am

[chillgerb]

Got too autistic about finger snapping, they want me to leave :c

[chillgerb]

Two pretty women cooking me breakfast breakfast while I sit mindlessly in the middle of the largest couch I have ever slept on, I'm talking king size couch, occasionally frog blink and sipping on my second instant coffee and chocolate

[chillgerb]

I have a pattern of leaving, sooner or later I just stop turning up- after a bit I find another group of people to get close with, usually by circumstance more than anything, that might be a good year or so and then oops, gone again.

[chillgerb]

Someone has started saying "Yes Maam" when talking to me and oh my gosh!

[chillgerb]

Regression? Noooo I just want the thing's I wanted at the lowest point of my life and cracked back into my highschool SoundCloud playlist by chancee

[chillgerb]

I disappeared on you first, it's only fair

[chillgerb]

When you're here you're an endless source of joy and calm and peace and excitement

But when you're not I twist the thought of you into something horrible, an unending pool of misery to drown myself in

[chillgerb]

Me after picking and sticking to some of the hardest pathways in life whenever anything takes effort or time to accomplish: "But I'm so tiiiiiiired😭"

[chillgerb]

Whenever you were over we'd sit outside a few times each night as you had a smoke, and I'd be there next to you the whole time, breathing it in and breathing you in.

It's probably not related but it was a clever way to get me addicted to you, and that's what I'm gonna blame.

[chillgerb]

I've realised that I don't really buy things for me- the only nice things I own and things that bring me joy are either gifts or things that directly relate to people I care about.

My only nice clothes are picked out by others, my plushies I bought alongside gifts for other people or received as gifts myself. I get so much serotonin from other and like none for things for me- gift cards have been helpful in forcing me to think about myself.

I got that damn self care finch in my phone now and about the hardest task to check off is to do "one thing that makes you happy". About the only time I check it off is when I get to hangout with someone, but then I crash out after anyway.