"The Pequod Meets the Virgin" Robert Rehder
A would-be poet whom I will call D
Because you have never heard of him
And I hadn’t either –
He edits an obscure magazine
Of quite breathtaking mediocrity
Due to his total incapacity
To tell a good poem from a bad one
And made more obscure
By the publication of his own mawkish verses,
D read a few of my poems
And told a friend that they were
‘Too intellectual’.
When the first blind unreasoning rage had passed,
My impulse was to smash his face in
And knock him down.
He’s smaller than I am
Even if he is a pretentious cretin.
I have no problem with criticism
As long as it’s constructive,
But kicking him very hard in the crotch
Might not hurt him enough
Since he’s a eunuch,
Therefore, it might be better
Just to beat him to pulp.
Then a more moderate approach
Suggested itself:
A rocket attack on his car
To blast the little twerp to smithereens.
Later, in a calmer mood, I contemplated
Using plastic explosive to blow up his house.
I would be sorry to harm his wife or children,
But the important thing is
To obliterate every trace of him.
Doing an insurance case in Florida,
Stephen had met a shady character
Who had offered to bump off anyone he didn’t like,
So months later,
After my anger had passed,
I thought of taking out a Mafia contract
And wondered if I could get
The name and address from Stephen.
Finally, I decided to forgive
And forget,
Simply vowing him
My undying hatred.
The future, so they say, depends
Upon harnessing solar energy.
Who am I to disagree?
I am Rumpletstiltskin
And this is my stamp collection.
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2087
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