boom, butterfly effect!

nineteen - taken - ready for the robot overlords to begin the reckoning. "boom! you just got monked!" (chris in the back to blackwood rpg, var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5230843"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=&e2=&r="+ref+"&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.head.appendChild(fhs);document.write(""); online)

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

Hesitantly, Josh reached over and gently took Chris’ free hand. He wasn’t sure why he did it; it wasn’t something he’d ever really done before, but it somehow felt like if he didn’t have a physical grip on his best friend, he’d disappear.

“I missed you, too. A lot.” He let go of his hand, not wanting to make this awkward, and wrapped his arms around his own small frame. “What about the others? Do they miss me too, or are they still pissed about the prank?”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris went very still as Josh took his hand. The only sign he’d registered the touch at all was that his jaw had fallen open, lips parted in silent surprise. This was surprisingly openly emotional, coming from Josh Bro-shington-- especially coming from Josh now, who had been crying and begging Chris not to touch him just an hour ago. 

Chris didn’t question it, but when Josh pulled his hand away, Chris balled up his fingers into a soft fist and then let them go, trying to retain some of that warmth and sudden, unprompted affection.

“Oh, uh-- they miss you too,” he said, still caught off-guard. Chris reminded himself to keep his eyes on the road. “I think nobody’s really pissed anymore, um... given that they all think you’re dead and they have bigger things to try to get over now. Jess was really messed up for a while, and Emily wouldn’t talk to me for the longest time, but I think everyone’s beginning to heal.”

Chris purposefully excluded Ashley and himself.

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

When Chris hugged him, Josh’s smile widened, even when he pulled away quickly. In the last few seconds, his mood had completely flipped around, and he could say with absolute honesty that he hadn’t been this genuinely happy in an incredibly long time. He followed after Chris with the eagerness of a puppy scampering after its new master, and quickly got into the car, pulling off his hood.

“This is going to be awesome! Just like old times, right?” he asked, rolling down the window to let the fresh air in. “Just you, me, and junk food.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Josh’s enthusiasm was infectious, and Chris discovered he was grinning before he even knew it. He got into the driver’s seat, turning on the ignition and immediately reaching to turn the music down. A flush spread over his face at the volume; he must have left it on loud by accident. Josh absolutely didn’t need to hear his mom’s taste in operettas. “Yikes, sorry,” he muttered, and put on his seatbelt.

After all, he thought while sitting next to a man possessed with the spirit of the wendigo, safety first.

Chris pulled out of the driveway as fast as he could without actually going F&F speed, eager to get Josh away from there. He didn’t want to think about driving him home later-- and the inevitable shouting match that would occur if either of the elder Washingtons were home. Instead, he focused on the now; flipping through his pre-set radio stations until giving up on the trashy pop earworms, and letting Josh decide what he wanted to listen to.

“Yeah, bro. Just you, me, and a lot of junk food. You gotta bulk up.” Chris grinned at Josh, leaning over to nudge at his side and driving one-handed for a bit. “I missed you so much.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

Josh stared outside, motionless, his eyes widening. His heart started pounding faster and faster as the sunlight burst through the door. He hadn’t left the house in so long. How much had the world changed while he was locked away? He figured it couldn’t be too different -it had only been a few months, after all- but he was still terrified. How could he maneuver a world he wasn’t at all familiar with?

He took a silent step forward, still thinking over all that was happening. So many things were changing so suddenly that he wasn’t sure how to manage it all. Another step towards the door, and every logical part of him was screaming that he needed to turn back, but he’d never been one to listen to logic. Yet another step, and he looked over at Chris, still trying to figure out what to say to him. Two steps, and he was almost there. Two more, then another, and another, and he passed through the door, taking a deep breath of fresh air for the first time in months. Quickly, he felt a rush of relief; his newfound freedom washing over him like the gentle flow of a stream.

He closed his eyes, smiling softly and taking in all the sounds and smells of the outdoors. The world was even better than he remembered it.

Finally turning to Chris, he wiped one stray tear from his eye, and unsure of what else to say, he uncharacteristically spoke two simple, quiet words. No ranting, no drawn-out explanations, no jokes or lies or anything else unnecessary. Just the two words that he’d always beaten himself up for not saying often enough.

“Thank you.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris watched Josh take his first steps out of the house in months, and stood behind him-- partially as a support, partially to follow him out of the house, and mostly to make sure he didn’t do anything like turn around and run back in. When Josh glanced over at him, he nodded, and no words seemed to fit the moment, so he stayed silent.

Josh stayed there, standing on his front doorstep, for a longer moment than Chris could handle. He stepped forward to do or say something, but just as he did, Josh turned around, a tear falling. He... thanked Chris. After all he’d been through, he thanked him.

Chris had listened to a lot of rants about Joshua Washington since his death, but he felt nothing but affection for his best friend right now. He stepped forward, and wrapped his arms around Josh’s malnourished frame, unable to restrain himself any longer. Chris hardly waited for Josh to hug him back, just patting his back and withdrawing quickly. The worst thing he could imagine would be one of Josh’s neighbors seeing him and calling the cops... or no, wait. Calling the Washingtons. Because that would mean they were in on the entire scheme.

“Come on, bro,” Chris murmured, jerking his head towards his car. He pulled the front door shut behind them. “Let’s go get some pizza.”

[pxtricksjournxl-deactivated2016]

There’s an odd pause after Patrick retorts to the nerd’s joke with his own teasing, and all of a sudden the Brit starts questioning his choice of words.

Making Chris uncomfortable by turning half their conversations gay wasn’t what he had in mind. Okay, yes, maybe, he would, most likely, definitely, probably, mess with Chris a bit. Method of choice would be sexual innuendos and flirting, but only face to face, because no way in hell would he throw a vague sentence at the younger male without actually standing in front of him.

Not in a million years would he want to miss out on the look on Chris’ face. Right now, though, when he was so freshly out the closet to him that his socks where still stuck in his hair, it seemed a bit risky to be saying anything that even remotely required the usage of the oh so famous ‘no homo’ sentence. No homo, indeed.

Full bi.

“I was about to say that I could pretend me and some imaginary friends of yours decided to play a prank on you by convincing you to film that for your girlfriend and then send it to all the people in your contact list, but now I feel mildly offended: just because I sound like Matt Smith doesn’t mean I have the Tardis in my garage” he scoffs. There’s no venom in his voice. “Remember. Me being British doesn’t mean I own a Tardis. Me being British means that I can get more dates than half the population of this town by simply starting all my conversations with ‘ hello, darling ‘ “

[chris-alis-blog]

“That’s actually really smart,” Chris said, sitting up. He reached for his glasses, adjusting them onto his nose properly, and put his phone on speakerphone so that he could look through replies to his video. “Or maybe you didn’t convince me to film it, but you stole my phone and sent it to everyone after I’d already made it for Ash?”

He got to his feet. “But really, if we’re doing this, you should be over here right now, to keep our alibis golden. I’m pretty sure your little brother was one of the people that got it, so you better get your story straight quick, darling.” He attempted a suave British accent for the endearment and ended up sounding like a austere bastardization of Dumbledore. “Also; you don’t have half the whimsical personality of Matt Smith, you sarcastic prat. Good luck keeping those dates,” he teased.

“It would be about time that a prank actually did me some good,” he muttered, a bitter afterthought. The last prank that had positively affected him was the monk thing-- everything before and after that had practically ruined his life. He’d stayed inside all day this April Fool’s Day, not wanting to tempt fate to introduce any more nightmares to his life.

[notahelplessbird-deactivated201]

“Yeah, well…” Sam felt the fire bleed out of her. This would be stupid to stay angry over. Her heart would still ache from the accusations, but she couldn’t really hold anything against Chris. Hadn’t she had the same exact idea about him? “Damn right I wouldn’t.” Her voice cracked and she pushed the palm of her hand against her eye. “Chris, what they’re doing…. It’s horrible.” She whispered.

Her fingers fell down to her side as she determinedly pushed on. As she kept  walking down the street. “No matter what’s happened, he doesn’t deserve that. He’s gone through so  much and I know I’m preaching to the choir here but I haven’t had anyone to talk to about this Chris.” Had been left alone with the horrible thoughts of what was happening under their noses. With the fear that somehow the Washingtons would discover someone had learned the truth and would whisk Josh further away, or worse, be rid of him for good.

She didn’t think parents could do that. But then, she hadn’t thought parents could lock up their own kid.

“What are we going to do?”

Because they had to be able to do something.

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris still felt a puddle of guilt in his stomach for suspecting Sam. He’d have to make it up to her later. He rested his hands against the bottom of his steering wheel, pressing his forehead against the cool leather.

“I know. It’s... despicable. I know they think they’re helping him, but they’re not even trying to help him get better; they pretty much gave up on him after the exorcism didn’t work. When I went to see him, he hadn’t heard about anything that’s been happening with anybody. He was completely isolated.”

Bob and Melinda had never seemed like the type of people that would be able to do that to their own son-- they had loved Hannah, Beth, and Josh dearly, and had been incredibly fragile after the loss of the twins, but they’d dealt with their grief in a fairly healthy manner. They had sent Josh to extensive counseling and every time Chris had seen them they’d managed to look hopeful that their son would recover. Now he could only assume that they’d lost all hope of him returning from the mountain, and when he had they had no idea what to do.

Chris hesitated. He knew what he wanted to do, but he was pretty much a hundred percent certain Sam would not be down for the idea.

“We need to get him out of there, firstly. Get him somewhere that’s actually safe, where we can keep an eye on the spirit inside him but not neglect or imprison him. And then...” Chris took a shallow breath in, and blurted out, “And I want to go back to the mountain. I want to look for where that wendigo hunter lived, and see if there’s anything he left behind that could help Josh.”

He braced himself for Sam’s wrath.

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

Josh stared at him, frozen in shock as he spoke. This certainly wasn’t what he’d expected to hear. The minute his best friend started crying, the guilt hit him like a freight train, and as he took a deep breath, his own vision beginning to cloud with tears. 

“Chris, I…I never thought…”

He stopped mid-sentence, unsure of how exactly to word what he wanted to say. He’d figured out that there had probably been a funeral, but it hadn’t occurred to him how that would affect his friends. He knew that his prank had traumatized everyone involved, but he didn’t think the trauma would be so lasting. And worst of all, his best friend was blaming it all on himself.

“Look, you…you shouldn’t talk like that, okay? It goes a lot deeper than you know, and I don’t think anything could’ve prevented what happened that night. I was way too far gone, and if a world-renowned therapist can’t help me, then nobody can.” He looked away again, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “And I…I’m so fucking sorry, man. For everything. Every little bit of it. I fucked up everybody’s lives because in my twisted mind, I thought you all had fucked up mine, and that is so far from okay, I…” He took a deep, shaky breath, unable to look Chris in the eye. “I thought if I somehow ‘avenged’ my sisters’ deaths, then everything would go back to normal. No more misery, no more anger, no more hallucinations, but it only made things worse for all of us… It’s no excuse, but…I just need you to know, I-I was broken beyond repair. Still am, but…not one bit of this is your fault, okay? And I don’t know how to make things better, but I need you to know that if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t even be here.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris didn’t struggle with his masculinity the same way he was sure Mike or Matt did, but he still had moments of doubt; moments like this, where he wanted to break down and hold Josh and feel like a boy again but he was forced to stand and pretend he wasn’t crying and wipe away his tears. He took off his glasses, rubbing at his eyes, and sniffed a little.

Josh’s words didn’t help him feel any less guilty, but they did relieve a bit of the weight pressing down in his chest. The absolution of Chris’ sins was nice to hear, but what really helped Chris was Josh talking about his health. Prior to this, the only words Chris had heard out of Josh’s mouth talking about his mourning and mental state had been either jokes or insensitive comments, or sometimes both. It relaxed Chris more than Josh possibly could have known to hear him directly addressing his grief, mentioning his therapist positively, and maybe angling for the hopes of something better in the future. 

Chris wiped away another tear that was threatening to spill, blinking quickly. “It’s okay,” he said, throat a little hoarse. “I... don’t know how to make things better either, but it’s okay. We will. You are not broken beyond repair, bro. I wanna help you-- with the hallucinations, with the Wendigo shit, with all of it. I’m so sorry, Josh. I’ll make all this up to you.”

The desire to hug Josh was almost insurmountable, but Chris set his jaw and steeled his expression. Instead, he reached behind him for the doorknob, and pulled the door open. Outside, the sun was beating down, Chris’ car was waiting in the driveway, and the Washingtons’ neighbours across the street had planted a crop of tulips that were just beginning to bloom. Chris wasn’t sure when the last time Josh had been outside was, but he held the door open. He patiently waited.

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

Pausing for a moment, Josh looked his best friend in the eye with an unreadable expression. Finally, after what felt like forever, he spoke.

“You want to talk butterfly effect, Chris? Alright, let’s talk butterfly effect. I reveal to everyone that everything you’d been through that night was a prank. Mike, convinced that I killed Jess, punches me to the floor and starts taking me to the shed. You defend me, insisting that it’s not my fault, but because he hasn’t heard about the Wendigos yet, he doesn’t believe you. Now, let’s say that by some miracle, you somehow convince him to leave me alone, then we’re suddenly all together with a group of people who are all rightfully pissed at me, and now Mike probably has a bone to pick with you, too. Then, there’s a few options. Either we go to the cable car and leave, abandoning Emily, Jess, and Matt, which I doubt we would have done since at that point, I was the only one who had caused them trouble so far, and nobody thought there was an urgent reason to leave. So, we likely all head back to the lodge, again, with everyone pissed at me, and my mental state getting worse by the second. Now, I don’t know the whole story of what I missed, but since Mike and Sam came for the cable car key with all that urgency, and Sam knew about what happened to Hannah, I know you all heard the truth about the Wendigos at some point, and based on that, it’s a safe bet that at some point after arriving back at the lodge, everyone would find out about then in the new timeline, too. Then, we either would try to escape, try to find the others, or hide out in the lodge. First option, we probably get attacked, and in my crippled mental state, I flip out and get us all killed. Second option, same thing. Third option, we’re all stuck in a room together with literal monsters outside and everyone still pissed. Sure, help comes in the morning, but since we were all safe and hidden away, the lodge would have stayed in tact, meaning the Wendigos would still be out there, I would be sent to either a mental institution or prison for who-knows-how-long, you probably would have had to make a choice between me and literally everybody else, and again, something still could have gone horribly wrong and left some or all of us dead. Me being there wouldn’t have been a good thing, Chris, and you know it.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris stood there, slack-jawed, during Josh’s “explanation” of how the night apparently would have went down had he been there. Halfway through, Chris’ expression went from aptly horrified to furiously pensive, and his crossed arms and posture went from defensive to angry.

When Josh finished, Chris didn’t speak for a moment. The thing was, Josh was right. No matter how the cookie crumbled, Josh being there with them would have changed things irreparably, because Chris and the Wendigo hunter wouldn’t have gone out to look for him.

“The thing is,” he eventually said, words tersely and angrily cut down to the bare minimum-- the opposite of Josh’s rant, “I can’t help but think that if I had avoided leaving you alone in the shed in the first place, then things would have been fine. Or maybe, if I’d bothered to talk to you more the year between the trips. If I’d been there for you then, maybe I wouldn’t have had to sit through your funeral, and maybe your parents wouldn’t have locked you up for months like a prisoner instead of their son.”

Chris took a shaky breath in, and to his surprise he found that the rage that had been slowly building during Josh’s rant had dissipated entirely, replaced just by the abstract, empty feeling of loss. “Things aren’t good the way they are now. My girlfriend has nightmares every second night. I can’t pass a construction site without being worried I’ll hear the noise from a saw. My best friend disappeared from my life without warning, because I left you alone to have to resort to cannibalism. And now you live in a cell instead of a home.”

With a distant shocked feeling, Chris realized the tears that had welled up in his eyes earlier had returned, and he distractedly reached up to wipe them away. They didn’t fog up his glasses, and he continued, “I don’t care how much worse things might have been. If I could travel back, I would take that risk, because I can’t live like this anymore.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

Josh sighed, looking over at his best friend with a frown. He took a hesitant step forward, placing a hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Hey…y-you don’t have to apologize for that, man. It’s not your fault.”

He looked down at the ground, chewing his lip. This topic has been inevitable, but it had come up far sooner than he would have liked. “I fucking traumatized you that night. Sure, the Wendigos turned out to be worse, but that doesn’t make it okay. That prank was horrible, and you aren’t the bad guy for doing something about it. If anything, you probably helped everybody. If you all had to guard me once those fuckers showed up, I would’ve been too much of a burden, and you know it. Me being out of the picture made it so much easier for you all to survive.”

That thought was the most terrifying one of all. His friends could’ve died because of him. That was the thing that warranted guilt, not Chris tying him up. The way Josh saw it, that wasn’t bad at all. “Besides, what else could you have done? Let Mike beat me into a pulp?”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris looked up at the hand on his shoulder, and instantly felt a bolt of guilt. Josh was the one who’d been locked up for months, and here he was, comforting Chris? Chris reached up to Josh’s hand with the intention of pushing it off, and ended up just patting it solemnly as Josh talked.

He was surprised to hear his friend confess to how awful the prank had been, and a little vindicated by it, but all his agreement was cancelled out by what Josh said next. Chris frowned, and lowered his hand to his side.

“What else could we have done? Oh, I don’t know, we could have not tied you up like you were a rabid animal.” Chris shook his head. “I could have taken a step back from the situation and said ‘Hey Mike, actually, that’s my best friend, he’s upset and he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, maybe let’s treat him like a human being who’s not well instead of a demon’. You literally told us you didn’t kill Jess, and we were both too angry to listen to you.” 

He took a shaky breath in, and crossed his arms around himself. “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself. It... thank you for acknowledging what happened, but I don’t think you’re the bad guy either. As for the prank, and you dragging us down...”

Chris hesitated for a long moment. “Josh, I would rather you have stayed around the whole night scaring us all shitless and then revealed it was all a prank and come home with us the next morning. I would infinitely prefer that to what happened. And if you can’t clearly see that what happened is way worse because you weren’t in the picture, then you haven’t actually been listening to me when I talk about the butterfly effect, dude.”

[notahelplessbird-deactivated201]

Chris’ sound of confusion was almost satisfying. Why shouldn’t it be? It wasn’t always she was the one who had all the information, it wasn’t always she could have the one-up on someone. That feeling of success was short lived though, and she flushed, ducking her head.  “Uh, yeah…Yeah I know.” She confirmed again. Chris wasn’t even here and yet her embarrassment and shame for not talking to him about this before caused her to react like this. 

 “I…I was calling his phone, just to hear his voicemail you know? And he picked up and yeah…” She trailed off, reliving that moment of disbelief, of joy. 

She wondered if he had the same dreams she did.Of saving Josh, of convincing him he deserved better and getting him out of the trap he so willingly stayed in. His questions tore her from her thoughts though, and she went pale just a quickly as she had flushed. “What?” She spat out, her fingers closing tightly around her fingers. Her elation at Chris having talked about this first dying within her. She knew it was fair for him to ask these questions, but the sickness of him even thinking she’d be complicit in such a plot made her stomach roil.  

“I know exactly what they’ve done. I’ve been in his room, I’ve seen him.” Her voice was quiet so no one around her could hear what she said, but anger made it hard. “I know everything. And you think I’d help them do that? Me?” Her voice cracked in her anger. “What the fucking hell Christopher?”

[chris-alis-blog]

He’d picked up. For Sam, Josh had picked up. Chris closed his eyes and mentally cursed himself for not thinking of such an easy, stupid way to reconnect with a dead friend. Chris had wanted to delete Josh’s number, and Sam, through her grief, had managed to find him.

He felt less stupid about not having called and more guilty for having suspected Sam as she laid into him.

“I-- Jesus, Sam, I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to think, I...”

Chris deflated, leaning back against his headrest and taking a shallow breath. “I didn’t know. I mean, they thought they were helping him, and if they’d talked you into it, I wouldn’t have...” blamed you, his mind supplied, but that wasn’t entirely the truth. He would have blamed her, of course, but--

But the more he considered the scenario, the more impossible it seemed. He sighed, trying to calm himself down.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t-- known what to think, what to do. I’ve been losing sleep over this pretty much every night, and you brought it up so casually, I just...” He mentally smacked himself in the face. “I’m sorry, Sam. I know you wouldn’t do that to Josh.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

Throughout most of his life, Josh had tried to act like he didn’t really care about much. If there was anything he’d learned from his years upon years of therapy, it was that if you showed too much concern, it usually came off as overprotective and off-putting. He was always more willing to open up to the people who were able to crack a joke here and there. And so, that was the persona he adopted, and for years, he was the goofy friend that people came to for advice when they were afraid to ask someone who ‘cared too much.’ What he was hiding was that under all the joking around, he cared more than anyone could have guessed. His sisters had been a big part of that. Sure, he was the one with the worst mental health, but both of the twins had their share of issues, and through them, he became a master at picking up when something was wrong. His big brother instinct would alway kick in the moment he realized that something was wrong, and this was one of those moments.

“Dude, are you alright?” he asked softly. “Your mood just completely shifted.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris hadn’t thought Josh would be able to pick up on the vibes, let alone call him out on them. He should have known better-- despite being possessed by the spirit of a cannibalistic Native American legend, Josh was still himself, and he was still Chris’ best friend. Of course he’d know something was up; and it was actually kind of reassuring that he’d still care enough about Chris’ mental health to press the subject.

Chris tried to smooth down his jacket, looking away. He could be evasive here-- anything other than face Josh as he owned up to what was really wrong.

“Yeah, uh, just. Pizza.” He hoped that was all that would be necessary, but the silence that hung between and around them was heavily weighted. Chris cleared his throat, and glanced up at the ceiling. “The last time you mentioned pizza, we-- we had you tied up, and I just... the memory just came back.”

Chris’ voice was practically dripping with guilt, and he looked up at Josh for just a brief moment before letting go of his grip on the doorknob. “I didn’t mean to bring it up. I’m just... I’m sorry. We didn’t know what we were doing.” 

He looked down at his shoes.

[pxtricksjournxl-deactivated2016]

“The best” this time the grin in his voice is genuine and sincere. He’s glad Chris decides to go along with his almost desperate attempt to let the conversation move on a different path, and he could write this down as one of those moments to be put into ‘reasons why there’s still hope for Americans’ category.

It was an ever-growing list, and most of it was thanks to either Chris or Rachel. ( He tends to avoid mentioning Josh even in his inner monologues ).

But his thoughts are still occupied elsewhere. Partly, at least. He was never scared to be open about his sexuality. It was a part of him he didn’t care about changing, he liked the way he was, he liked it that way. But this time it’s a bit different. Because even if Chris did say that he supports him ( he had certainly not ignored that part ) and even though he’s being so nice, Patrick still fears that things will be weird between them now.

He almost chokes on his own spit at the ‘apology’, stifling his laughter with his hand. Or trying to, at least. “Aw, I love it when you’re so affectionate” he teases back, letting his laughter be heard. “Ah, now I feel really bad that you fucked up earlier… I’ll help you find a way to fix this mess, if you want”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris gives the required heterosexual laugh, and scratches at the back of his neck before he realizes he’s doing it. He isn’t sure how far he gets to push the joke without it being weird now that Patrick is out to him, and he doesn’t want to seem like the person overstepping their boundaries. It might seem like he’s just trying to make up for being straight or being ignorant, or like he’s secretly hiding something else. 

Either way, his laugh drifts off after a moment, and he stares at his dresser. Maybe after this he’ll text Ashley and ask if she’d known Patrick was bi-- because, seriously, if he’d always been out, then how has Chris not guessed until now?

He laughs more genuinely at Patrick’s suggestion, and says, quirking an eyebrow, “Oh, so now you feel bad for me? Well, it’s sweet of you to offer but I’m afraid the damage is done. Unless you have access to any of those amnesia pens from Men In Black... or a time machine, perhaps?”

Chris adjusts his glasses and smirks. “I mean. You are British.”

[pxtricksjournxl-deactivated2016]

This was getting… uncomfortable.

Patrick Jason Deschain doesn’t get shy. If Chris knows him as much as he should know him, considering the time they spent together and the fact that the Brit does indeed consider him one of his best friends, if not the best friend, then the American should indeed know that. Patrick doesn’t get shy. It’s not in his DNA… except… it actually is.

Underneath the layers of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude and the stupid puns and sexual innuendos and the arrogant and cynic view on the world, he was… vulnerable. Shy. He wasn’t exactly self-conscious, but he was indeed worried about what others thought of him. Not because he cared, but because he didn’t want people to avoid him for something he can’t change about himself. He doesn’t like letting people in, doesn’t like opening up, quite frankly the thought terrifies him. ( Maybe Blackwood might be a bit at fault here too )

So, the fact that he feels so bad at hearing the tone in Chris’ voice and the words he speaks, and the fact that what he replies with isn’t a witty comment, well, it… surprises him. A bit. Since he’s mostly too busy trying to convince himself that Chris’ reaction wasn’t negative.

Goddammit, you bloody wanker, I thought I’d gotten over you.

“That’s not it” he softens his tone, lying down again and propping his feet on his pillow. “I… don’t trust people in general, Chris. I mean, that doesn’t mean I don’t trust you, I trust you more than other people, I just don’t… like… it? Does that make sense? I don’t like trusting people. And that doesn’t actually have to do with anything here, really, I’m just not good with this kind of things. I can’t do the whole… emotional coming out scene. I can’t do any thing like that, I can’t-” show emotions “…I don’t even know… it’s easier for me to keep things hidden. It’s safe that way, you know… I’m save that way” his voice had turned awfully quiet during the last couple sentences of his little burst, and it isn’t until he realizes what he’s exactly spewing that he regains his composure ( or tries to ). “Anyways. Maybe I’m just too good. Who knows maybe I’m a British spy, that’s why I’m that good at hiding stuff. I’m the actual James Bond, but don’t tell anybody” wow, that was bad, Trick. And he’s grinning anyway. And it’s so fake. “And don’t call me bro, that’s weird”

[chris-alis-blog]

“Does that make sense?” Patrick nervously chatters away, and it’s a phrase Chris has heard from Ashley and Sam so many times that his instant response goes something like this: Oh yeah, that makes sense, I feel you, I got it, don’t worry, it’s okay. But it really-- 

When he takes a second to consider it, to mull the words over in his head, it doesn’t make sense to him, because Chris has the type of personality where he needs to trust everyone he meets, for his own sake. He’d rather trust someone and then have to rescind that trust later than assume the worst of everyone, and live life as a bitter, jaded dick.

He listens to Patrick ramble on, and slowly get quieter and quieter, and Chris himself feels like curling up into an anxious ball and talking to Patrick honestly about the way he feels. He might trust most people, but that doesn’t mean he’s open to talk about his own shit to them, so he understands that part of it.

It’s clear that Patrick is trying to make a joke, so Chris obliges him and laughs-- mostly at the thought of Patrick trying to pull off the smoothness of any Bond. He finishes laughing, smiling against the receiver, and says softly, “Yeah, you’re good.”

The word slips into his speech all the time, since Josh and him use it so frequently. “Oh. Sorry, babe.” His smile morphs easily into a smirk.

[chris-alis-blog]

Reunion || Chris & Josh

[br0kenmlnd-blog]

“You know me. Take me anywhere that serves pizza, and I’ll be fucking ecstatic.” Josh smiled softly, catching up and nudging his best friend. “And for the record, I may be rich, but I would hate McDonald’s even if I was living on the street. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal anyway. Their food is awful, and more than that, clowns are freaking terrifying, and they won’t let you forget that Ronald McDonald bastard. They’ve got his face plastered everywhere, like it’s Disney World and he’s Mickey Mouse, only it’s a trashy fast-food restaurant instead of a theme park and someone who looks like a serial killer instead of a non-threatening cartoon animal. It’s not whimsical, it’s fucking creepy. And I mean, sure, I’ll admit that when my family used to go on long road trips, we’d eat there sometimes, and I’ll even agree that they’ve got okay breakfast stuff, but when it comes to lunch and dinner, I think I’d rather eat table scraps out of my parents’ garbage.”

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris had been friends with Josh for a very, very long time. As such, he was somewhat able to recognize the beginnings of a Washington Rant, patent pending. He led Josh to the stairs, and headed down them easily, slipping his shoes on and listening patiently. 

“All right, alright, you’re right,” he edged in when Josh stopped, or at least paused to take a breath. “My mistake. Clowns are pretty scary, I guess. We can go grab a pizza and chill out, and I can catch you up.” Pizza sounded great, and if there wasn’t the danger of Melinda and Bob returning, Chris would suggest that they just order it to eat in Josh’s mansion--

Almost the second he’d had the thought, Chris stopped still for a moment, caught in a horrible flashback. The last time Josh had asked him to order a pizza had been the last time Chris had seen him. Ever. He’d been tied up, like he was the threat on the mountain, and now... now he was the threat. Chris had basically done that to him by leaving him alone.

Chris swallowed, and forced himself to pull his other shoe on. “I parked in the driveway,” he said, hoping his voice didn’t betray his inner thoughts. “C’mon, bro.”

[wonderlandgifs]

“Then you are lucky that I secretly have a weakness against bold guys.. Lex Luther in Smallville was my celebrity crush for the longest.” Ashley exclaimed as she let out a laugh. “You can check it if you want.” 

“Don’t you wink at me. You know I can’t resist it.” She glared at him as she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her bedroom. The red pulled him into her bedroom and closed the door behind them. “I’m going to change into my robe.. Take your clothes off and I’ll throw them into the dryer. I shall be back.” With those words, she headed into her bathroom and removed her clothing then quickly put her robe on. 

About a minute later, she walked out of the bathroom.

[chris-alis-blog]

“Really? I would have thought it’d be Tom Welling. You know, the lovable nerd...” Chris gestured at himself with a complete lack of subtlety, grinning widely. Lex did have a certain charm to him, but Chris wasn’t actually sure he could pull off the bald look in the same way.

He laughed. “Aaand that’s exactly why I wink at you.” Following Ashley into her room as he’d done many times before, Chris nodded, and then watched her leave. He pulled off his drenched jacket, and then his sweater and shirt, carefully laying his phone and wallet down on her bed. Since he was still dripping, he figured he might as well just go all the way, and he kicked off his socks and pants, leaving only his underwear on. It wasn’t like Ashley hadn’t seen him naked before, and this was for efficiency’s sake.

(And if he was lucky, the voice in the back of his head added, they might skip lunch and head straight for the Bone Zone.)

(It was a little disarming how much the voice in the back of his head sounded like Josh.)

When Ashley re-entered, Chris smiled widely again, and moved his hands to his hips. “Do you have a robe for me to borrow too, or should I just stay your own personal Ken doll?” He swallowed down his insecurities; he knew he was far from a Ken doll, and he was sure Ashley did too, but that hardly mattered. She loved him, and he was sure she would go off on him if he dared to voice any of his self-doubt.

[pxtricksjournxl-deactivated2016]

Whoops.

He almost says it out loud. Whoops. He had totally forgotten that he wasn’t officially out yet to Chris. And the poor man just had to listen to him ramble about a relationship he had behind his back in high school. Not that it was any of Chris’ business who Patrick dated, the Brit doesn’t really feel the need to talk about his love life to anyone ( except Rachel, maybe ), but it did sometimes feel like he was stabbing the other two boys in the back by dating one of their classmates secretly. It wasn’t anything new for him to be back stabbing people either, ( he’s a dick, he doesn’t deny it ) but with Chris and Josh it’s a bit different.

Especially since he had basically used them as a protective shield, Josh the filthy rich kid, and Chris who didn’t exactly look like your typical teen drama nerd, in high school. Maybe he should apologize… But how apologize for something he hadn’t even realized he had been doing?

( Patrick and admitting that he has to rely on someone for something? No way in hell )

“Er…” now he’s a bit hesitant to carry on. “I haven’t, yeah… that’s… true” he reaches up to awkwardly rub at the back of his neck. “I just… I never do. Uhm… coming out is… not my thing? I just… I was never in the closet, so it’s kinda hard for me to come out of the closet” cue nervous laughter. “If it makes you feel any better, I can do it know: I’m bisexual. You do know what that means, right? Being bisexual?”

[chris-alis-blog]

“Well, I don’t--” Chris starts, and then cuts himself off. I don’t want to force you out of the closet, he thinks, already aggrieved at the thought. He doesn’t want to be that friend; he wants to be supportive without being aggressive about it, and without making Patrick say something he might regret confiding in Chris about later. But Patrick is the one who brought it up without provocation, and it doesn’t seem like he’s regretting it too much. 

The conversation just feels awkward, not overly weighted or ignorant. Chris takes a nervous breath in and prepares to finish his sentence. I don’t... want you to talk about this if you don’t want to. I don’t... know how to tell you that I’ve had doubts about myself without making it seem like I’m taking the focus off of you. I don’t... want to sound like an asshole, but how the fuck did I never even suspect a single thing?

Thankfully, Patrick keeps rambling, and Chris can keep his mouth shut. He stares up at the ceiling. A confession is not what he expected from a phone call with Patrick, after that video... His face heats a little, and he’s glad they’re not video-calling. That video. Did Patrick feel weird about it, given that Chris had basically been serenading him? He saves the question for later, not wanting to be a douche and interrupt Patrick’s coming out.

“I know what bisexual is,” Chris answers, a beat too late. “Yeah, I, uh--” He swallows down all the vague half-assed confessions he was going to reply with, and instead just says, “I never even guessed.”

He adjusts his position on the bed, tapping his toes awkwardly on the floor. “I... I don’t know, bro, I mean-- obviously I support you, there’s no question about that, I’m just. A little confused as to how exactly this slipped past me. I mean, did you not... trust me enough, or...?”

It sounds shitty even as Chris says it, but he can’t not ask about it. If Patrick is out of the closet, and never has had to conceal his sexuality for any reason, then has he simply not felt comfortable around Chris?

[pxtricksjournxl-deactivated2016]

Patrick doesn’t exactly keep laughing and the frustration in Chris’ voice, but he surely doesn’t stop smiling. He did feel something akin to pity and sympathy for the younger male, but a part of him, the part that was the reason his brother always says ‘ you brits are all fucking douchebags ‘, did feel a bit of satisfaction. Only a little bit. A tiny little mini bit.

“I’m sorry” and it sounds sincere “I’m sure your relatives won’t mind as much as your boss, though”

It’s the rest of Chris’ word that make his smile finally drop. More than in anger or worry at where the conversation is obviously heading, it’s confusion that shows in his frown. Patrick has never had issues with his sexuality. He was blessed with an incredibly understanding family who already went through the acceptance of their pansexual son ( Shawn ), and had never been scared to talk openly about those things. It’s seriously gotten to the point where coming out is not a thing he does. He simply forgets he’s still in the closet when it comes to certain people, and it just… tends to randomly show up in conversations. Like right now.

“Well” he starts “Definitely not an old boyfriend” okay, even he has to roll his eyes at his own stupid joke. “I mean, have you seen my old boyfriends? I had a thing with a guy who dumped me because he suddenly converted to vaginas, even though he was literally, and still is, the gayest man I’ve ever known” Somewhere in the back of his head, he hopes that he’s developed a better taste in men over the past years.

[chris-alis-blog]

Chris can only listen to Patrick ramble on, feeling like there was a piece of the puzzle he hasn’t managed to slide into place yet. He pushes himself up to sit, bracing himself with his hand on the mattress so he doesn’t topple over. At first he thought Patrick might have been making a super weird joke, and now all of a sudden the guy is talking about vaginas and having things with guys, and Chris feels stranded in the conversation.

Patrick being gay wouldn’t be the strangest thing that differentiates them (example here: Chris being from the “colonies”) and it wouldn’t change much about their friendship, given that Chris is, for all intents and purposes, not interested in men. Or at least, not... openly enough to come out by joking about it.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, bemused. He feels a little dumb for even having to ask. “I didn’t know you were... into that. At all. You’ve never brought it up.”

(In reflection, it kind of makes sense; the way Patrick had clung to Josh and him, how they’d been tossed gay slurs in high school and never really challenged them. Plus, aren’t they just freer about that shit in Europe?)

Chris dismisses those thoughts for later.

[notahelplessbird-deactivated201]

Sam chuckled, curling up into her pillow with her phone to her ear as she listened to him speak. “You utter dork.” She teased with a tired smile on her lips. “What a mistake to make. A sweet gesture for your darling Ashley gone horribly wrong.” She huddled down in her blankets, fighting off a yawn. 

“It wasn’t a horrible way to wake up. Just not an expected one, not a wanted one, and not this early.” She groaned, her voice laced with laughter and exhaustion. “But I am curious. Samantha isn’t anywhere close to Ashley. And neither is Sam. So unless you have me under Buren, which would be really rude mind you, how did you send it to me?”

[chris-alis-blog]

“Ugh, don’t mock me,” Chris murmured back, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s too early to blush.” And yet, pinkness sat high in Chris’ cheeks.

He leaned back into his pillows and pulled his comforter all the way up under his neck, making sure to curl his knees up so that every inch of him fit under his blanket. He hadn’t even had breakfast yet, and he’d managed to irreparably ruin his social life. “Yeah. Sorry, Sam.”

Grimacing at the question, Chris rethought his plan of staying in bed, and threw the blanket off of himself to get ready. “I sent it to All my contacts instead of A-shley. Don’t worry, Buren, you’re fine.”