Through Christ, My Journey Unfolds

[christ-ahl]

Thinking of you.

11:10pm.

As I was trying to push myself to study for a map quiz, I thought of you, little ol’ blog. I pulled it up on my phone and began to read my posts. Man oh man was I encouraged from the good that God had done in my life. There is such wonder that comes in jotting down the beautiful moments in life. Sometimes I think to myself, “ohhh I don’t have to write that down, I know I’ll remember this moment through telling someone else about it, or even just thinking about it”.

ha. how silly. for some time I was stuck on the idea of remembering moments behind photographs. But emotions? They’ve been getting lost and mumbled through time.

so here I am. thinking of you. thinking of the wonders that God has done in my life, and the un-written ones He’s been teaching me. I haven’t been posting the thoughts that God has been teaching me lately. But rather, I have been verbally sharing them to people. The introvert in me would love to share of God through social media photographs, but the growing extravert in me has been dying to hear the words coming out of my mouth to encourage myself & another.

i’m conflicted between my personality.

I used to pray to be comfortable through God’s promise in my thoughts. This was given to me as I desired one-on-one, intentional, deep, meaningful conversations. As I met more and more people, and began to be around more people, God also allowed for me to get comfortable in community. But, I got too soaked in community. I’ve been seeking people more, rather than allowing that God & Crystal one-on-one time. I know my greatest inspiration comes in these moments. But my greatest comfort comes through His people. What a whirlwind. 

I’m not sure where my thoughts just went right now. But this is how I have been pouring out to friends this past school year. I have realized it has been the way I have been pouring out to people, rather than the limitations of my closed-knit of friends. hm. I can’t help but continue to think about Jesus escaping the crowds to spend time with God. This is where I am right now. Wanting to be away from people, but desiring to seek His word as I am reflective of myself. Because I know I have not been my organized, intentional, detailed self lately. I have realized that when I am with people too much, without any structure, this is who I also become. Lacking in structure, and in true intentionality. Again, what a whirlwind. what power that comes in processing. Not sure where I am going with this, my friends. 

11.24pm - I must go back to studying.

adios.

[christ-ahl]

Hollow

Here’s a thought:

During my last few days at my university, I started feeling bland. Spiritually bland that is. I went to Chapel Wednesdays & Fridays. I had spiritual discipleship training every Wednesday. I had bible study every Thursday night. and I attended worship nights. There began to lack the ache to my soul that they used to impulse. I was filled with stress from finances, end of the school year assignments, and to top it off, I felt like I was consuming “too much of Jesus”. Too much that I was no longer feeling anything. I remember vulnerably telling someone about this after attending a student leadership night of worship. Surprisingly, she felt something similar. I thought about this act of having “too much of Jesus”, too much to the point that my soul does not feel empowered anymore. School ended, and I had some time to myself. A lot of time to myself actually. I processed a bit, and then I left for my service trip. My service trip was filled with the presence of God. But, that’s a whole other text post. Being back at home and away from a very strong spiritual community, I think about how I’ve been now having “too little of Jesus”. And, how I’m craving more of Him in the community setting. Ironic? As I’m entering the new school year, my hope (side note: hope is HUGE. don’t forget the power that comes behind this word) is to not only be less involved, but to plan out more organized time for everything:

1. personal Crystal & God time 2. community God time 3. academic time 4. eating time 5. study time 6. friendship time 7. family time etc. I hope and pray to work on this for this next semester of my life. p.s. archived posts coming soon.

[christ-ahl]

Deutschland.

I have a relationship with a God that is a faithful God. A loving God. A peaceful God. A merciful God. An INTERNATIONAL God! This post is long awaited. 3 months awaited to be exact. But this country continues to reign a special spot in my heart. Whether I’m hearing the name in the news, refugees in the olympics, or even our fieldworker church evangelizing, it brings back a special moment in my life. A moment so rare, yet valuable. A moment I hope to never forget. Reverse Culture Shock. One big thing that struck me was that I went from being across the world, to my hometown in hours. I was in Germany one day, and in the states the next. Sleeping in the church’s children classroom floor one week, and sleeping in my bed the next. Waking up to eight God-serving children early mornings, and to my little siblings the next. But, I would not have had it any other way being there. Sure, I faced ups and downs, but the presence of God was so vivid and real while there. I tell people this all the time, but I know my team was kept safe, we acted out the Gospel, and we united in Christ together because of the constant prayers we received. My team and I were able to work together as one because of Christ in us. My friends, we have a living and powerful God before us. And in this six-month long journey, I finished strong with the overwhelming love of Him. May all the nations really and truly praise His name ‘till the end of earth.

[christ-ahl]

God’s love.

I have been angry. mad. selfish. upset. a straight sinner. yet, I still have a God that loves me. My little sister randomly came into my room and stated, “I’m just here to give you a goodnight kiss.” as she confidently and lovingly gave me a kiss on my cheek and forehead. I originally was about to give her the wrong approach when she came into my room, but she managed to surprise me with love. I am not perfect. I have poured out an angry voice and impatient attitude to her before, but she still manages to express love to me. Out of all people, she still loves me, her older sister that is currently lacking some key traits. Sitting here I realize that God is so very similar to this. Although we may get angry with Him, give 30% in the relationship when He’s giving more than 100%, or even lack the desire to spend time with Him, He still wants to and continues to pour out His love to us all. His children. His beautifully crafted children that He has spent time, effort, and love on as He continues to on this journey called life. Oh man does this make me feel guilty as ever. God has been loving us from the beginning! From the story of His son’s death and resurrection, to our present lives, to even our future to come. He LOVES us. He loves you. He loves me. He has a HUGE heart of LOVE. I’ve been thinking about the word “love” a lot lately. Especially with the act of loving God so much that He is all we want and crave, and I have just gotten a glimpse of it tonight. ~ God, You really are a loving God. Despite our sinful nature and selfish ways, You still LOVE us. God, You are filling me up. I apologize for my sinful nature. I need more of You always, and less of me and this earth. May Your steadfast love be the one I continue to crave and know more of. Thank You. Thank You thank You thank You thank You. For loving me. For reminding me. For being filled with grace. For all You continue to do. For this time of growth. For life. For everything. I thank You. I do want to get closer to loving more of You. I do love You.

[christ-ahl]

read your Bible.

These past days/weeks, I’ve been in kind of a distant funk.

I have not been as close to God in prayer, in reading from His word, or even in being in that constant communication with Him that I used to engage in. I have strayed. I have gotten stuck in an emotional despair of loneliness. I have ordered Christian books that I have not even been reading. I am just stuck.

Two days ago (June 15th, 2016), I had a prayer session with a good friend from Germany. I had previously spent three weeks serving and learning from her while I got to serve the country. Speaking with her always lights me up with her God-given joy and selflessness to obey and serve. She is a sweet friend that brings about God-rooted teachings. Ending our conversation in prayer was tough for me. I have not prayed aloud in a while. Too long of a while. And to do it for someone else was hard. I stumbled in my words, I felt like I was trying to impress more than speak to God. And I just did not feel a fire that I used to feel (especially while in Germany, but that will be a different post). It took me some minutes into my prayer to really and truly understand that I was praying to God, and for someone else. I felt the presence, but it really overtook me in joy after this friend prayed for me. Oh man, God does hear prayers and really desires us to be relational with God-centered friends. This time of prayer really allowed me to feel a tug of that near spark. It wasn’t the whole firework show, but it was just the beginning of its comeback.

Last night (June 16th, 2016) I cried. I poured out my emotional rage and distant feeling to God. I prayed and I asked for my faith to increase in Him again. I keep thinking back to the phrase “Fall in love with Jesus again” and I honestly have been wanting that as a goal this summer. I want to serve God, and it has been so tough to act on this without the right opportunities or even right motivation. I feel as if I have been forgetting of all the spiritual richness God has been teaching me this past season in my life (from my first year in college). I don’t want to forget it, and I have been getting too distant.

Today (June 17th, 2016) I felt the urge to watch a sermon from a very favored church and God-speaking pastor. It was perfect. It was an answered prayer. It was just what I needed to fill my cup. It has left me thinking, but also provoked to read God’s word more. Even as I sit here, typing and being reflective, I have a song that just started singing, “Come, be the fire inside of me.” - You Won’t Relent x Jesus Culture That’s huge. But I want that.

Lord, I want YOU to be the One that lights me up. I want You to continuously be in my friendships, my relationships, my studies, my words, my thoughts, my world, my life, my materialism, my everything to light me up. God, I pray that You may continue to light me up when I need You the most. I thank You for your consistency, and for the promises You bring to all Your children. Holy and gracious are You, oh perfect Heavenly Majesty.

God is good. He hears prayers and He wants us to be rooted in HIM, not on anything of this world. Even though I sometimes try to find joy in people and even social media, I must remember that I must seek HIM first.

Colossians 3:1 P.S. Here’s the church sermon: http://sandalschurch.com/watch/252/luke-24-how-jesus-has-the-power-to-change-your-life/

[christ-ahl]

Man’s Actions vs Godly Acts

This & integrity with our social ethics has been on my mind lately.

I just got done finishing an assignment that was due at 11:59pm of Saturday. I hurried and rushed to finish this assignment that I didn’t get the chance to finish earlier and I ended up being a few seconds off the due date. I stressed and I worried as those minutes were increasing, and I ended up being some seconds late. I’m that person that can’t turn in late work for the sake of feeling unethically obligated to do so. I’d feel terrible. It’d feel un-right. And I guess you can say I sometimes struggle with being a “perfectionist” about this. I’m not sure who I’m trying to fool. Who I’m trying to impress. Just who I’m trying to win over here, but it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing. Earlier in the semester, my professor for this course reminded the class that what we are doing, is to be glorifying to God. I have forgotten the truth behind this. I even told someone this earlier, but am I really acting on this holy truth? I shouldn’t be aiming to impress my professor, even if she is a Christian; I should be working my way up to be timely completing my assignments with an attitude of knowing I’m doing it all for the Lord. God gives me such a mindset of wanting to learn more, and desiring to uncover the mysteries of this Earth, but I must learn to use them wisely.

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” Colossians 3:34

I must rest with the time God has given me to rest. and I must work in the time God gives me to rest.

balance and God is what I need.

“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.” Psalm 62:5

. . . Social ethics shall be a different post with a different explosive blurb of my thoughts.

[christ-ahl]

“Guard your heart”

something that’s really touched me lately is this phrase. Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Did you read that carefully?

Above all else.

I know I didn’t catch that at first, until I asked a fellow sister about it.

I’ve been caught on the idea of what this phrase means, and applying it to one particular situation only, but the Lord reminded me of the truth His truth from this biblical wisdom.

This fellow Godly sister was able to decipher this piece of scripture from the moment she read it. I was lost in being in the context of only one situation when in reality I had to look to apply this for all things in life.

Now I’m thinking,

“Is posting this being too vulnerable?”

Sounds like an oxymoron to me, but I know that the briefness of this serves to remind myself, and maybe even influence another. In all, let God work His wonders.

[christ-ahl]

Season Greetings

I want to start this up again. BUT, this time on this blog. Because a fresh, new start is good for a human. So here’s a post I originally posted on my old blog, but I’m deciding to continue on here instead:

I watched a TED talk explaining the importance of vulnerability in simply asking for what you need. (mind you: I’ve absolutely grown to love TED talks more, and that I get to hear about intriguing, different human’s worldviews / beliefs / strong opinions through them) As I sit in trying to comprehend my thoughts more on this, I remembered a moment where I was trying to inform my dad about an event so that I could attend it. As I was explaining it to him, I remember receiving a question that took me by surprise, “What do you need from me to help you go?” I was telling him about this event, but not telling him what I needed from him. How silly is that of me to beat around the bush.

~

As I’m continually raising support for the service project I’m taking on this summer, I must remember to be more selfless, vulnerable, and intimate in my prayers to simply reach out to confess and ask more.

I’m currently trying to push myself into the process of follow ups with my supporters. I get it, it’s nerve wrecking, and maybe even intimidating, but I shouldn’t let the enemy’s hatred emotions get in my way. Earlier I was reminded as to why the Devil even does this kind of stuff. And soon, I clearly remembered: “Oh yeah, cause he hates me.” Hate. The devil hates God’s children.

God on the other hand.. Loves. He loves so so so darn much. He’s unconditional and promising in His acts. He’s a good, good father, and I’m so blessed that He chose me into His world.

To summarize, I must remember to: be rooted in Godly confidence confident as I go out into this dangerous world.

[christ-ahl]

Obeying God

Did you know that even when you sin and disobey God, He’s still there, trying to get your attention? Did you know that even after MONTHS of not realizing God’s commandment, He still loves you? Did you know that He does what He does to have you grow? Did you know you have a Heavenly Father that will always love you so very much? Even in this right very moment?

If you answered no to any of those questions, then you’re just in luck!!!! In luck to be friendly reminded on the kind of amazing King that our God is.

I’ve been going through what I thought was God’s plan for my present and future. But after feeling constant rocks of confusions hit my emotions, I let it all go to the Lord. I freed myself from my unnoticed burden and I never felt so free. I felt as if I could do anything with His beaming Holy Spirit that was bright in my soul. [.....] ~ Note: I started this post July 14th, but pushed myself from finishing it because I was waiting for the end of this trial. Looking back at this now I see that I should have just finished writing in the moment. But God is a God of love, doing all He does to have us stay on track with what He knows will lead us towards the route He knows we can handle. I’ve been a growth-in-progress still through this event, but I’ve been seeing how trusting in what the Lord says, rather than what I say and desire, is so much better. I don’t know if I’ll finish this story in a future post or not, but for now: Here’s to my obedience growth for you, God.

[christ-ahl]

Let Go, Let God.

I’ve started a new class.

This class was a first on a couple of things:

first Biola class

first Bible-centered (college) class

first class that’s made me ponder and learn a lot in a matter on a short few days

but more importantly, it’s telling me that I have to increase in my spiritual discipleship, and how to do so. You know, reading such a book has been telling me that there’s a lot more than just skimming through the Bible and praying to God. There’s a true learning growth that’s required as well. No person is ever going to be perfect in their walk with Christ, but they can sure increase their Christ-like ness. Basically, I need to let go of unnecessary thoughts and feelings that are holding me back from what God wants me to do. I need to continue to free myself with the actions that make me confused. I need to seek Him. TRULY. I can’t fake my way into the kingdom of God, but I must confess myself in the presence of the greater One. This may start all mumble-jumbo, but I am trying to incorporate an ongoing story into a short (self) inspiring passage: Basically I’m learning that doors will open. And some will close. But what He does, is because He is our Heavenly Father. Like a father disciplines his children, He too disciplines His loved ones. (Hebrews 12:10) It may seem confusing at first, but He does it for our safety and love. To be holy children of Christ. To be stronger than the old us. I’m not sure what I’m entirely to do with my future plans now, but I do know I’m to let go of the unnecessary feelings that center themselves to my desires. Know His word. Learn His teachings. Study His commandments. and seek His love.

[christ-ahl]

“Life is a journey with the Lord by your side.”

This quote by a fellow sister has actually been speaking to me lately. I’ve truly been going through this ongoing growth of a journey with our God by my side. Years ago I used to be naive and tell myself, “I don’t need to expand my knowledge with God, I know all I need to know.” but young me was wrong.

I’m learning and growing every day, and I truly think this year / summer I’ve been growing A LOT. A fellow brother one stated how his relationship with God usually increases the most over the summer, and man have I been seeing that with my own self or what. But going off of this growth, I never would have seen this beginning of a growth without taking my own action into it as well. Speaking off of what I’ve barely been going through, I wouldn’t have know more of His word nor other’s stories if I didn’t put the effort into seeking it. Faith and trust are two big traits to keep, but I must go after the knowledge with the start of new beginnings.

It’s such a loving and fun adventure though, and I just can’t wait to see what’s in store for my future with the Glorious King of Kings.

[christ-ahl]

POPC2015

I attended this conference with my sister and mannn oh mann do I enjoy hearing other’s speak part of their testimonies or what. One of the biggest things that I learned from a speaker is that God may tell us to do something for reasons untold, but it’s all to be done through faith, trust, and absolute relentlessness without even knowing on what the future is to come. Honestly, God may be leading you to move to a whole different country like this young sister spoke about, but after you’re done saying your goodbyes and packing, God changes the course and says His trustworthy, “Congratulations, you trusted me and this test. You’re free to stay.”

wow. wow. and just wow.

The fact that His children are so righteous in obeying His word is so stupendous. It made me really think about my situations, and how I should be seeking Him in the ways He wants me to act on. I truly just want to be an ambassador of His kingdom in any ways He wants me to go forward with. Sometimes my own doubts and “understandings” try to push themselves into the picture, but then Proverbs 3:5 pops into my mind.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.”

Sometimes my feelings and emotions may seem more understanding and comfortable to rely on, but I’ve also been learning that it’s not about being comfortable: it’s about living the life our Heavenly, and righteous Father wants YOU to live. All for the Glory of His kingdom, He calls YOU to tasks that only YOU are capable of accomplishing through His Holy Spirit’s assistance. I’m in satisfaction of this growth I’ve been experiencing through the Creator of the Universe.

[christ-ahl]

Revelation Song -

I’m not as honest as I should be in my walk with Him. I need Him. I must surrender my WHOLE self to Him. I must get out of my comfortable state. I must speak His word out. I must share. I must trust. I must be honest. I must obey.

I must open myself to allow Him to work through me.

I've seen others so.. joyful and filled with His spirit that I prayed and wished to be like them. It now hit me that I can’t be like them. He’s answering my prayer, but in a way that allows me to grow. I can’t be filled with His Holy Spirit if I don’t allow Him to. I can’t be His ambassador if I don’t get out of my comfort state.

I must go forward and trust.

[christ-ahl]

Rollercoasters

This is something that actually spoke to me the morning before creating this blog. I’ve been witnessing from others, and even myself, the sort of struggle we go to just to receive something. But you know what I’ve been learning? It’s that these “struggles” we go to, are all provided for the benefit of our future. Whether it’s to improve us, or others, our Mighty God allows our difficulties to enrich us. Some people get things handed the easy way to them. Since I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride with paying my upcoming college funds, there was a time where I would see other’s financial awards and because of the school the chose and the aid they received, some students actually got the blessing of getting to go to school for free. I would compare it to my situation, and wow would I get so upset and discouraged. I’ve still been riding this rollercoaster, but you know what? I’m glad I still am. I’ve been learning that sometimes we have to go through a rollercoaster obstacle to get to the final destination. But what I just realized is, I along with many others, we probably go through those trial and error situations to learn. To spiritual boost our muscles. To learn and grow He ignites us with tasks that are simple in His eyes. He wants us to be faithful. To trust Him. To love Him. That’s all He asks for. I started reading the Bible. And I mean REALLY reading the Bible starting from the beginning. ((I’m almost done with Genesis and I’m so happy)) Just the other day I read the story of Abraham being called upon by God to go to the mountains with his son to, little did he know, KILL HIS OWN SON. Abraham was about to do it without any doubts, and right when he was close enough to do so, God brought an angel to tell Abraham not to do it. Abraham’s humble trust and faith on God is so powerful.  Our God is the amazing God that ends up saying “Okay, you trusted me faithfully and un-doubtfully, here’s your blessing!” So awesome. God is so awesome. I may be on this rollercoaster still with my college funds, but hey, at least I’m growing on faith and trust little by little. Your will, not mine God.

[christ-ahl]

Beginning for Everything

wow. I can’t believe this moment happened. I feel a rush of emotions and just want to share some much already: stuff that’s happened already, is happening right now, and is going to happen. but I have to stop. be patient. and wait. I must allow Him to take over what I should write about. But to get things started with first, a simple introduction is a must. hi, hello, i’m Crystal & i love the fact that you could insert emojis on here all through a mac computer 😜 I’m a follower of Christ, and I enjoy seeking new ways that allows me to boost my relationship with Him for myself, others, and most importantly: Him. I’m bad at introductions so why not just get to know me through this journey that God has placed upon my heart? I’ve been thinking about blogging for theeee looonggesstt time now, but I never thought this moment would come for this. LONG AGO, I used to think I was an “amateur writer” because I would write what my thoughts spoke at the moment, and like any other person would, I thought it was DEEP HAHAH. I’m no writer, but sometimes I feel like I have so much to say, and rather than leaving it in my thoughts, it’s best to just expose it to the world for the better. Today I even thought about how my mind just gets so filled with ongoing thoughts about current situations, emotions, feelings, concerns, or just stories. Again, I don’t know what’s to come out of this, but if God’s been guiding me to this path through fellow other Pastor’s blogs, siblings through Christ’s blogs, STRANGER’S BLOGS, then man Lord, let Your will be done. I would even note a few momentous events growths that had happened in my life on a previous tumblr, but I don’t think it was the same than what I have planned to sort of do. They weren’t as detailed, nor even publicized, and I just believe God is calling me to do something now even though I sort of was waiting to start it at the beginning of the upcoming, next semester. I’m all about order, and structure, but I suppose too much has been happening to leave it off for a few more months. God says now, and now I go. So here I go.