Speaking of bonds within cults/organizations, a while back I had even asked my father doll about his experiences within the organization that abused him, whether he had bonded at all to any of the children who were tortured and trained alongside him. Though I suppose it was a silly question, and he answered a blunt no, that he viewed them all as gullible idiots. He wasn’t afraid, while other children cried during direction, he had no reaction, no hesitation or care, because he had no empathy. His organization tried to use that to their advantage, he was a natural born killer in their eyes because of his psychopathy, bit them in the ass in the end. Hilariously he beat the shit out of them as he got older, before he fled. He told me that he was their interrogator tool starting as a child, that the adults held hostage would laugh when they brought a kid in, but they didn’t laugh long. He said he doesn’t take pleasure in slowly torturing people, even though he is skilled at it, but he also has no guilt. When he speaks of it, I find I have more empathy for the children alongside him than he ever did, which I can’t exactly fault him for, it’s not like he can help it. He says they were promised so many things, higher positions, money, women, power, that they believed it all and fought for it uselessly, he never fell for it or cared for it frankly. It’s grooming, the same kind done to me, the promise of power, of dreams. When in the end it never would come, these children were useless pawns to violent adults. It’s interesting, his organization had major differences to mine, the fact they are not religious, that they loathed pedophiles ironically, they had a kill on sight rule for child rapists, it was not sex oriented unless they were raping women proudly, it was mainly centered around physical violence, solider training. So to them, to torture and kill children was fine, necessary, amusing, but to fuck one? That’s too far, such warped morals and logic, makes no sense to me. A false moral high ground that makes me sick. What’s also interesting is my father doll specifically, how he processed and reacted to all the torture and abuse he endured because of his disorder, how unique I find it. He’s taken a huge interest in researching DID, he bought tons of books I seen, and I looked at a few of his notes. I myself have become interested in psychopathy in general. I find it makes me jealous in a way, he’s effortlessly untouchable. I don’t want to be a psychopath at all, but I’m envious of him specifically, how unfazed he is by everything, what would crush someone, what crushed me, means nothing to him. And then I have the wondering, how would a child with psychopathy like him be used within my own cult? Of course it’s happened, and I’m curious how the process would have differed. Whereas they had to torture and train me into separate states where I felt no guilt and empathy, mimicking symptoms, they would naturally be that way. And then, for me empathy was something necessary at times, a tool they used against me, how would they have then done things differently to a child who couldn’t feel it at all chemically?
