Why I am still not in a relationship
Well, the inspiration for this blog all starts with me going through the recommended tab on my YouTube app. Suddenly, a video from a YouTuber named “Better Bachelor” shows up. The video is about the owner of the channel reviewing a video from another channel. The contents of that other video is a girl trying to use a guy’s profile on tinder to get a date with a girl. Long story short, she gets a few dozen matches, barely gets any conversations with the matched girls, and after a week she never gets any dates. The frustration, which I’m pretty certain the reviewer mentions at some point, is that women are used to getting easy matches, and suddenly struggling with it is really difficult.
The explanation was pretty simple and obvious. The standards for men using dating apps... they just want women that are attractive. The women that use the apps... can vary. There are some women that want a relationship. They look for men with good looks, money, power, etc. Some women aren’t actually looking for matches. Sure, getting treated for a meal sounds good... but according to what the “Better Bachelor” (aka Joker) was saying, they are just looking for compliments.
I had tried dating apps a few times... one time about two years ago, and another time a year or so before then. I had tried tinder, and realized that it was a waste of time. I almost never got matches, and from those I did, only 2 or 3 actually said anything. Before then, I had tried OkCupid. That was somewhat successful. Yea I actually had conversations with people. One girl I had messaged with for a while, and eventually met her a few times in person. However, that is irrelevant.
After watching several videos from this Joker guy, I remembered about my occasional resentful feelings against relationships, about the hashtag #MGTOW (Men Go Their Own Way), about the golddiggers of today... My cynicism is returning, which is why I decided to make a Tumblr blog after all this time, because that’s what my blogs are really about - expressing my resentful feelings.
Now getting back on track... By talking about my one and only long-term relationship... (yea totally on track lmao)
Many years ago, before my trials on dating apps, I was very active on Facebook using my personal account, and that’s how I interacted and planned stuff with other people. I ended up dating someone from the college I went to. I had originally treated her just like a friend. Little did I know that she was interested in me. After shopping at a mall off-campus, we went to my dorm to eat a meal. I didn’t really think of this as a date because to me it was just friendship. (How wrong I was lmao)
Anyways... We ate for a while and spent time on our phones taking selfies. After dealing with me making silly faces, she went into my room. I followed behind her, and she was on my bed. Not sure if she was laying there or sitting there.
We were just sitting there for a while. As someone who was trying to treat her as a friend, I was completely confused as to why she was acting so weirdly. She kept on trying to lean close to me, but I was like “no” and she was like “why”... but of course I didn’t really understand what she was trying to do... Friends leaning close is weird right? Lol, of course I didn’t understand her romantic interests because she didn’t spell it out.
Now, keep in mind, this was my final year at college. I had never been in a relationship before. Never had a first kiss. I had already come to accept that I would never be in a relationship, let alone kiss someone else. So of course the idea that someone actually wanted to kiss me was completely absurd in my mind. It almost felt like she was actually acting irrationally.
This lasted 5-10 minutes until I felt uncomfortable, so I stood up and just moved to the other side of the room. I didn’t understand what was going on, or what I was feeling or why. Yea, NOW I pretty much know because I’ve thought about it for a LONG time. I’m the type of person that wants to avoid trouble, and that also means that I don’t want to trouble others. Why? Because whenever I trouble other people, karma somehow finds it way right back at me. So, I bet there was a side of me that was scared. I was worried that if I did something wrong, it was going to go badly, and somehow I would be the one finding trouble.
Another 2-3 minutes go by with her STILL on my bed, and there was me... standing awkwardly... leaning against another piece of furniture on the other side of the room. I don’t really recall the next part of our “talk”... but I’m guessing she was asking if something was wrong, and I probably said no... Frowning, she said, “well, then pucker up cowboy”.
I don’t know why she said that. I don’t even know if I fully comprehended what she was saying to me, but her words had triggered some sort of reaction inside of my brain. To this day, I don’t even know how her simple, but cryptic language ended up breaking the mental delusion that I would never be in a relationship.. but those words triggered my next action.
I moved up to her and kissed her on the lips. It lasted only a second. Of course, she jumped up and held my hands and was trying to dance with me, celebrating the moment like it was the best thing that happened to us. Me, on the contrary, was completely mortified.
I can imagine most people reading this would be shocked that a guy is mortified from his first kiss lmao. I had to add this paragraph in through editing. I don’t blame you for being shocked. This is the reaction you would expect from an anime show lol. The me today wouldn’t be mortified. Before my senior year at college, I didn’t interact much with women, let alone be in a relationship, so please don’t blame me for feeling mortified. So just go on to the next paragraph so that I can explain how I was feeling...
Digressing back into it...
Right after kissing, I was standing there and thinking to myself “wtf happened”. No seriously, like I was standing there, not understanding what was going on. Like I was getting goosebumps. I was shivering. I was scared. All this time, I was trying to be a good friend to her, and then suddenly I had kissed her. What was wrong with me?
Of course, she noticed that something was wrong, so she asked about it, and I was like, that was my first kiss. She was at least understanding. I was still in panic mode, During that panic, I’m pretty certain I asked her if she would be my girlfriend, which she accepted. We both changed our relationship statuses on our Facebook profiles then and there. And then I asked her to leave for the night so that I could spend time to myself... So that I could recover from the shock. Poor old me lmao. Don’t you pity me LOL. AND I still had to explain to my family that I was actually in a relationship. My sister’s reaction was worth it :D
Point was I wanted to take responsibility for that night, and took the initiative to get into a relationship. Boy, it was something. It was okay at first, but the relationship slowly ended up being rocky. Why? Because she wanted me to change. She kept on bringing up the negative sides of me. Now, I wasn’t just a regular person on the campus. I was a leader. I was involved in several clubs on campus.
Heh, funny thinking about it back then. I wanted to put the relationship before everything else, so I stopped being involved in other club activities (over time) because I wanted to spend more time with her. However, somehow that ended up backfiring. In the end, all the time I spent with her was irrelevant. Now why would that be?
Well she spelled it out. I was at the end of my time at the college, and I was soon no longer going to be around. In my mind, I was thinking that the relationship could continue, even from a long-distance perspective. I thought this way because we had messaged each other a lot on Facebook over the months we were together. However, she had thought differently. She only wanted to be in a relationship if we were together in person. She told me it would’ve been possible to be long distance if I had simply just always say everything that is on my mind...
Thinking back, there were red flags that this relationship was going to fail. She never wanted me to go to her house, she never really showed pictures of her room. She was very self-conscious of her looks, and I always had to show pictures of her before I was allowed to post them online. She was a very controlling person. Honestly, in the months following the end of the relationship, I ended up hating her. I didn’t understand why I felt that way at the time, but I’m pretty certain it was because she made me feel very insecure about myself.
Even BEFORE our relationship, I was insecure about my academic record at college. My first semester I failed a class, got an unsatisfactory in another, got a D in a third, and passed the fourth. After bringing it up to my mother, I swore I would never do that badly again. That following semester, I didn’t bring any consoles to campus. I didn’t do amazing, but my classes were decent. A’s, B’s... maybe a C/D? But good overall. My grades slowly rose up over the semesters. My senior year? I was scoring A’s for nearly all my classes, making Dean’s List the whole time.
Regarding my senior year, good grades weren’t the only good thing I had. I ended up being a leader at my dorm and at one of the school clubs I was in. Also, I started using Facebook a lot for photos and selfies. I naturally became popular. I was honestly just trying to have fun while making the most of my successes. Ironically, I feel like my life started turning upside down because I made my relationship more important than my interactions with others. So it only makes sense that I broke down after my ex had broken up with me.
You know the stupid part? As she was breaking up with me, she was trying to make me say “okay let’s break up”. Like wtf. Why did you have to make me feel this way? I never wanted to break up, but she did. I can’t forget my feelings during that phone call. She told me she wanted to break up. I was just standing there, empty, feeling nothing. I couldn’t believe it was happening. After all that time I had committed to the relationship, she wanted to break up, just like that. Like nothing had happened. Wtf. So she kept urging to me to say it was okay for us to break up... Me being the one that doesn’t want to cause trouble for others, eventually I just caved in and said “okay”. I hung up the phone and just couldn’t hold in my emotions. My sister was there that day. I turned to her and started bawling out, crying out that she had broken up with me. The last time I cried that much, I was probably in elementary school... like 3rd or 4th grade? Maybe even younger.
You want to know what’s even dumber?
Over the next several weeks, she still continued to message me. She wanted to know why I wanted to break up with her. She wanted to know how she could’ve done better. Was she crazy? Does her craziness STILL exist to this day?
Now throughout the relationship, she had mentioned to me that she was an anxious person, and she probably said that was why she would act unreasonably. Which was completely fine with me. As long as we were together, I would be able to handle anything. I would change as much as I could to make things work out. Heck, I would censor random vocabulary because using certain words would remind her of her ex.
The messaging would continue for a little while. There was a part of me hoping that the relationship could be salvaged... But I was already broken by that point. I tried interviewing myself in a video, privating it and sharing it with her, hoping she’d watch it. But I realized that I was becoming crazy. Who the f*ck interviews themselves in a video just to finally say what they’re thinking or feeling? I just simply messaged that I hated her, and that was the end of those messages.
At this time, I was already spending less time on social media, because I just wanted to avoid any chance of interacting with her. I was still taking a final class at college, so if I ever saw her, I just canceled my class and went home. Ironically, it was around that time that I started actively using Tumblr. Heh. Yes, my resentment towards her inspired me to actively use other media platforms, like this one.
Because of her, I knew that there was something wrong with me, so I took some time to explore topics of morality, religion, politics... Exploring these topics didn’t make me popular or rich or anything... HOWEVER, I needed to take this time to explore my personality, to discover what my morality truly was, and to figure out my true feelings about controversial topics. I did this because I believed that my family was very conservative, so I was scared about exploring these topics. I was an anxious person, and I was very guarded. I was scared of making mistakes.
The uprising of Trump made me realized that I never wanted to be a liar, and the existence of politics made me realize that I never wanted to be deceptive. The only people I have ever truly deceived were my parents, because I had to act the way they wanted me to. I wanted to change even this. To never lie or deceive. To this day it is a challenge for me, but I want to be better than I am now.
Wow I haven’t made a long blog in a while, and I’m not done yet. I haven’t even gotten to the core of this blog. Why am I STILL not in a relationship? In his videos, Joker constantly mentions that women prefer dating upwards. As an “average” guy who is not making good amounts of money (and is stingy about spending), I would not appeal to the women who are golddiggers... or women who want relationships to capitalize on how much money they can spend. Why should I bother wasting time or money on relationships when the significant other just wants more and more and more?
I just want to live a simple life. Make enough money to live and have plenty of money in reserve in case of an emergency. Then use my free time to pursue my passions, which today is watching YouTube videos, anime, and playing games. Lately I’ve spent time watching Chinese webtoons. Some are really awesome, some are meh. But I’m getting off-track...
Where was I... Oh yeah... Why am I not in a relationship..?
Lack of confidence. No presence on social media. No presence outside of my house (other than at work).
Want to know the funny part?
At work, I keep to myself, but I’m very hard-working, and I’m popular with managers and other associates alike. This has been true at every place I have worked at. I’m just amazed. Like, I even do some of the work of low-level management positions. So yea, I’m very hard-working at work. But only at work. When at home, I just want to relax.
So if I decide to pursue a relationship, how would I test my significant other? I would continue acting the way I do now. Work hard at work, relax at home. Continue being stingy. Not really upgrading my housing. How high am I willing to upgrade? A 2-bedroom and 2-bath house... with an option to expand to the basement so I can create a secret door to a secret room for myself. that’s it. I don’t want a mansion. It’d be cool if I could get a Victorian-style house, but I reckon that would be expensive. I’d rather go cheaper, safer, more affordable. Same thing with cars. I’d prefer being stingy, and putting a good amount of money into savings, and the rest into retirement.
Heck, there’s a part of me that’s paranoid about being in a relationship. Honestly, I’d be worried that she would break up because she wants to upgrade after a few years and try to take stuff that is earned by my money. So I’d probably go out of my way to make sure that our bank accounts remain separate. She can keep stuff that she buys with her account, and I keep stuff that is bought with mine. Any gifts that are proven gifts with a receipt or written contract is fine. I just don’t want to lose my stuff that I bought with my money... like my computer, or furniture...
If she doesn’t like it, that just simply means she wants to keep moving up. Wants to keep spending more. To keep getting more. That’s just the the type of greed that I despise the most. Not putting a limit on your spending...
Look, I get it. The idea of getting everything I want is enticing. I know because I was kinda spoiled as a child. If I wanted stuff, my parents actually gave me what I wanted. Ironically, I was the child that always told my parents that I didn’t want anything, no matter how many times they asked. Sure, I would put a few video games on my birthday or Christmas lists, but anything else... nope. Heck, I ended up storing hundreds of dollars in my closet and drawers over my childhood years because I never wanted to go to stores to buy anything. From an economics perspective, I guess I would be a complete anomaly.
...I just spent 10 minutes trying to search for an economics term because I can’t remember that term which I believe relates to a consumers need or want to buy something. The point I was going to make is that almost all prices are irrelevant, because I am almost never going to buy anything, other than a few things. And of those things, I’ll either go for the cheapest (for cases like food) or the best quality/price relationship (like computer parts). The reason I was an anomaly, and kinda still am, is because even if I want something, I still won’t be willing to buy things.
Getting back on track regarding partner qualifications...
In a partner, I want someone who will stick together with me, no matter what happens. My morality is to stay out of trouble, and a good part of that is to not cause trouble for others. So naturally I need to find a partner that feels the same way. As long as we both have that same core morality, I’m confident that things will work out.
There’s a part of me that thinks that compatible partners, that are currently single, don’t get into relationships because they want to stay out of trouble. It’s how I feel.
I want a partner that I can share all of my secrets with without fearing that they will share them with everyone else.... Everyone has kinks or embarrassing moments/stories, even myself. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about them, so it’s normal that I would expect her to not share it. Honestly, I wouldn’t want her sharing the secrets with her closest friends. There’s a part of me that’s controlling.
Look, we are all controlling people. We all have our sense of integrity, our sense of pride. And I’m an anxious person. I like to control my insecurities, and the best way to control them is to not reveal the secrets. Is it fine if I share it anonymously to the world? Yes, because it’s done anonymously, I keep things cryptic enough so that things can’t be linked to my real identity.
In the end, at the very least I’m certain I won’t be able to do online dating. Sure, I can try, but the reality is that although I want my partner to be fun, it’s far more important for my partner to just spend time together. I’m a clingy person, and I love the idea of having a significant other who is also clingy. Why? Because it stabilizes my sense of security, and pretty much completes my qualifications.
A partner that has the same morality, doesn’t share secrets, and is clingy is pretty much the perfect partner, the best BFF ever. Being able to share everything in the world without any fears of secrets going out or being judged by others... It’s a huge sense of relief. It’s what I want, and probably what a bunch of us want. To feel welcome by others without being troubled.
So one day, yea I want to be in a relationship. But I want to be in a relationship with the right person. Not the perfect person. Not necessarily an attractive person. But the RIGHT person for me. Wealth is irrelevant, because the point is that the two of us would go through things together.
Well that wraps up my blog. This is definitely a long one, wow. I feel like I should do this more often. I actually spent two hours typing it, and probably will spend 10-20 minutes editing... BUT I definitely wanted to put my thoughts out there. I’m definitely imagining what it’d be like if people that I knew actually read this lmao. Remember I’m an anxious person.
So my responses for each type... To my ex, hope you are doing well, but I want nothing to do with you because of my bitter resentment. To that one girl on OkCupid, I’m just sorry that I stopped messaging you... Honestly you were the person I opened up to the most, but I felt shame because I was in between jobs and needed to focus on getting the next one. I was also worried because I felt like I was troubling you. To anyone else who knows me... If you see me just pretend you never read this lmao.
So yea... that’s pretty much that. Again, thanks for spending the time to read this. You didn’t have to. I’m sure you got better things to do. But if you are reading this, I’m guessing you are relatable because you had to search for this... Unless you saw a future blog and are looking back to this... Well hi and thanks for reading! Don’t mind my resentfulness, it’s just a part of me.
If you want to message me about anything, or just want to share a relatable story, go ahead and share it. I’ll take time to read it. Don’t worry, like some fools out there, I’m actually capable of keeping secrets. Heck I’ve been practicing keeping secrets since elementary school. I keep secrets until I’ve forgotten them. That’s how important keeping a secret is to me.
Time to end this blog. Thanks and maybe I’ll type some more... Peace