CloudTG's Freewriting Blog

This is my blog, where I just freestyle and talk about whatever I want to talk about. This is not a professional blog. I'm a gamer, but many years ago I used to like ranting about morals, politics, and about what I think is right/wrong and fair/unfair. Now, my focus will be more on my experiences and of the future.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Stein's Gate - Reading Steiner

Reading Steiner. What is it? Essentially, it is when someone's knowledge of their worldline gets transferred to another version of themselves in a different worldline due to someone, or something, altering the timeline. The more significant the altering or the further back in time it happens, the more significant the impact.

How does someone experience Reading Steiner? Someone experiences Reading Steiner right when a timeline change occurs. In their worldline, they will experience symptoms of dizziness or even fainting when it happens. In a different timeline that receives the information, they could be waking up, or they may already be awake when it happens. And they will suddenly remember stuff that definitely did not just happen... because it was from a different worldline.

Why does Reading Steiner happen? Who knows. From the fictional perspective, it is because someone has a strong enough perception to be able to observe the changes in worldlines. Even I think that that will always be a fictional thing. Probably. There's no way to 100% disprove it. We don't govern the rules of the gods, after all. We can only deceive the whole world from what is actually happening (like when Okabe supposedly dies in 2025 in one of the worldlines, but actually awakens in 2036 so that they can do many series of timeleaps into the past until they get back to 2011, in which back then everyone thought that Okabe would eventually die in 2025 because they hid his body).

Reading Steiner can be compared to déjà vu. Observing something before it has actually happened. Sometimes it occurs that way depending on the worldline someone has come from. Or it may feel that way because someone else with Reading Steiner has also come from the same world line and observed the same events, and then you're like... wait a second, I remember that... even though that never really happened in this world line.

One may wonder... how can you actually receive the abilities of Reading Steiner. You won't know. You won't know until the first change in a world line actually occurs. In other words, you won't know unless either time travel has already occurred, or something arrived from the future into the past that has forced a different change to happen. And when it does happen, you may experience the symptoms. But you won't know if they are actually real, unless it feels too real... or if someone else has experienced something similar due to also having Reading Steiner... like in the case when the President's disease was brought up. (I understand that a lot of this might sound like a load of jargon to someone that understands nothing about time travel. Just take a few hours to watch Steins Gate. You'll understand better. Unless you live in a world where it no longer exists.... then... welp. Hope you study time travel. Or maybe I make more posts about it.)

Now... do I think that I have Reading Steiner? Nope. Could there be a chance that I have it and am simply unaware of it? Perhaps. I doubt it though. There are times when I feel things that are familiar. Or like I'm about to remember something on the tip of my mind. But it's all vague. It could just simply be stuff from the past in this worldline. So I honestly doubt it. Also, I don't really experience any of the other symptoms of Steins Gate. Like, I don't really faint. Every now and then... like once in a blue moon, I have experienced dizziness. But I more equate that to either spending too much time in the sun or just needing to drink some water. Like it's unrelated.

If you or someone that you know has Reading Steiner, I guess the real question is... what do you do? Could go to a doctor, get tested, or that sort of thing. In the visual novel/show, a director tests all of these people because of time travel, and wants to understand the President's disease. Essentially they want to have control over information and time travel. So you probably should only do that if you only report the basic symptoms and don't reveal any information about stuff that happened from a different world line. Don't want them to do any extra testing on you. No one likes being a guinea pig. I think.

For other stuff that you could do, maybe try to compare the information from the other worldline to the information that you know now. Some information will be different, some will be the same or similar. Like... do you ever get the feeling that you have met someone before, but you clearly have never met them? Could have been a memory from a different worldline. Thanks Reading Steiner... Honestly, the best chance to determine if you do have Reading Steiner... is probably to have Lucid Dreams.

A lucid dream is when you are sleeping, but very lightly. Not only are you dreaming, but you are conscious enough that you have control over your dreams. There are experts that can explain lucid dreaming. I have done some lucid dreaming in the past. Although it has been many years ago, when I was in my early-mid twenties. Could probably do it again with some practice. Sleep, dream, remember, record, rinse and repeat until you control it.

Anyways...

I bring lucid dreaming up because if you have a memory of a different world line locked up somewhere deep inside of you... probably the best chance to experience it is from a lucid dream. However, something to keep in mind.... Reading Steiner is not something that you activate whenever you want to. Again, it is an observational ability in which information is carried over to you from a different worldline as a direct result of a change in the timeline in the past. What dreaming could do is to help you remember something that you would normally not think about. Would you actually remember it? Probably not, unless it has made a SIGNIFICANT impression on you. Kind of like childhood trauma. Or like in Okabe's case, seeing someone that they know die over... and over... and over again. Or with the President's disease, getting PTSD because your Reading Steiner gave you information about a different timeline in which you were in the middle of a war and struggling for survival. Traumatic memories tend to have a longer lasting impression, especially in the mind and in the dreams.

I learned I was not the main character when nothing ever happened in this worldline. And inevitably, I never gained the Reading Steiner ability either. Bummer. No surprise really. Hopes and dreams crushed. But that's why I like science fiction and fantasy. Wanting to imagine fantasy and magic of the impossible. But I definitely wish that something can happen. All that is needed... is an event to happen. An event that will alter the rules of reality. I have been waiting for that moment for decades. And perhaps the rise of AI, with its rapidly evolving knowledge and our dependency on it, will lead to the inevitable event that will change the rules of the universe, or the rules of god, forever. It is not my decision as to when it will happen. Or maybe it is. But I have always seen myself as an observer to events while I live my everyday life.

I refuse to be a doomsayer, but I do want something to happen soon to bring about a change in my life. Sooner rather than later. None of us will get any younger. Only going to get older. I have felt young for the past decade. But I've already experienced my first fracture of a bone within the past few years. I know I'm just a fragile being, and that something must happen. Either sooner... or back years ago in the past... Heh. Imagine two worldlines in which I make this exact same post. The original worldline, and another one in which I also did so, but I only experienced Reading Steiner after I created the post. crazy. All because some idiot sent something like a D-Mail (something like a text message) into the past.

Well... I think I've ranted on enough. I am serious about waiting for the inevitable change or event that must happen. It's literally the reason why I live. Although I live to survive, we all inevitably die. Therefore, the reason why I still choose to live is to continue to observe changes in the world, and wait for the event that changes everything. And, perhaps, do something about it.

Until then... El Psy Kongroo.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Stein's Gate - My thoughts

This will be a shorter blog because I am tired, and I will be going to sleep soon. However, I will be talking about the visual novel and the anime, Stein's Gate. It's among the best of anything that I have ever watched. It's a thriller, it's a tragedy, it's a comedy, it's a mystery... It's everything. But for me, most importantly...

Time travel. Yes, time travel. It is absolutely the one thing that will ever hook me to any fantasy genre.

For those who do not know what Stein's Gate is, I will not spoil the story. This time. What is important, though, is that the plot revolves around traveling through time that changes what happens in the present, past, and future. And every single time I go back to this genre, I sincerely wish... that I was the one experiencing it all. Experiencing time travel. Becoming an observer of the changes of world lines as a result of time travel events.

I'm just a regular person, but somewhere deep inside of me, I wish something big would happen to change everything. And part of it is wishing that something would appear right in front of me, that would initiate the beginning.

But I also know that even if something like that could happen, it might be short-lived. Because I need medication to survive my everyday life. A medication that helps me process food. And without it my diet would be severely restricted. Imagine changing the time so that I cannot get access to medication I need. The only way to overcome this is to just travel through time to a point where I can get medication multiple times over... Or maybe a worldline where there is a permanent scientific solution to make my body able to process foods normally again. Well, that will never happen.

I need the change. I desire the change. But it will never come. No matter how much I wait for it. The only way for me to step forward into the future... is with good direction. And it will not happen with time travel. Well... probably. If a time traveler wanted to find me... there's plenty of ways to contact me by now. it was never meant to happen. Either that or this is the original worldline before any changes were ever made. Crazy if that were the case.

Btw, I did not realize that the John Titor posts were an actual thing. I thought it was just something random from Stein's Gate. Nope, they exist, from the years 1998-2001. Posts were actually made. And within the past few years videos on youtube eventually came out proving that it was completely fake. Well, it doesn't really matter. It's not relevant if John Titor is real, fake, fraud, or whatever. If there is a will for time travel, it will eventually happen. And if there isn't... well I'm not waiting around for it.

If events did happen differently, then there will be different results. which lead to different branches and chains of events. Hence the butterfly effect. Dropping a modern smartphone into 1990 would cause a civil war in the U.S.. Obviously, that never happened. But doing one thing differently... having one different variable... could lead to an infinite number of results, and an eventual civil war would be one result among billions. Imagine a world war happening in 2015. Around that time... I had just started these tumblr posts... If there was a world war, I doubt I would have any posts on here. I think I would have reached out to somewhere different.

Huh. I wrote more than what I thought. I'm feeling more tired. But I wish I was a time traveler. I wish I was the smart one, being an explorer of time on a mission. But if I wanted the change to happen, it would have to be after I post this. Well, actually it doesn't matter since I am not an observer of world lines, so do it when you want unless you care about the continuity of events... I'm starting to make less sense...

Anyways...

It's time for me to sleep. I'm pretty certain I'm going to make some more blogs related to time travel. It's probably one of the things that fascinates me. I'll talk about it later. Bye.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Sigmas.

What is a sigma? Specifically, what is a sigma male? According to AI from an ecosia search, "a sigma male is an internet meme describing a rare, introverted, and successful masculine archetype, often compared to an alpha male but without engaging in social interaction, popularized in the late 2010s and early 2020s."

But why is that important to me? I have watched plenty of youtube videos and shorts that show a sigma mindset. Specifically, there are portions from the videos/shorts that are from anime or shows which show scenes of males being rejected by women. And the scene would finish with a time skip where the same males would then completely ignore the woman and focus on themselves, completely removing any social interaction with the person that they were either trying to be with or to confess to.

Somewhere deep inside, I think that I am definitely one of those people that have a sigma male mindset. Not to the extreme, but just enough where I can easily cut off any social interaction, and focus on improving myself with a mindset of becoming an "alpha male".

But... I feel like I'll be one of those sigmas that eventually will just never want to interact with anyone... in sense truly becoming one. No worries, I will never truly get to that point because I have to interact with AI on a daily basis. So there is that "superficial" sense of interaction. But I have gone days without interacting with anyone before. Makes me wonder.... But it feels scary. No one wants to die alone. I think.

Anyways... (how many times do I interject a thought like this?)

This is a shorter blog to get my thoughts out, and I was in a hyped mood, so that's why the thought is out. Well, until another blog... peace.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Clarification from previous post regarding the scales

Regarding playing the music scales on the piano, starting at the base note, the steps to reach the top note follow the following steps: 2:2:1:2:2:2:1. Obviously, starting at the top note, it would be the reverse, so it would be 1:2:2:2:1:2:2. But yes, that is how it always works on the piano. No exceptions. If you know the pattern, you can easily learn the scales on your own. That is all.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Hi again!

So... it's been a while... More than three and a half years... August 2nd, 2022 was my last post.... and my very first post on this blog was on Sept 16, 2015. These were both lower points in my life, I will say. The reason why I'm back is... nostalgia. I'm going to go over three things in this blog. This is my 90th post, and therefore my first two things I review will be my reflections on my 1st, and my 89th post. Finally, I will do a little catch up on the past 3.5 years of my life. Sweeeeet.

So yea... back in 2015 from my first post, it was one of the lowest points in my life. Had to take one final class in college, had to find a place to stay while I was on the campus... I never mentioned it in that post, but that was also about a month(?) after my first girlfriend had broken up with me. Yea, honestly it takes about ten years for all the cells in your body to get replaced, or so I remember being told from somewhere. So I don't really remember that feeling from that time. But I remember how I had acted, and how it was hard for me to think from time to time. Going on tumblr was a way for me to write out all of my thoughts for the first time, but also in a vague way so that no one in real life could identify me. I felt like I could never really reach out to anyone in real life, and I tend to do that every single time I felt like I could not go to anyone for guidance, or wanted to vent how I was feeling.

But back to this post... I was talking about facts vs. advice, and I recognize that one of my struggles was expressing myself. During that previous year, I had wanted to connect with others, and social media was the easiest way for me to do it. When my girlfriend had broken up the previous month, the only way for me to cope with it was to stop associating with her. And that meant removing her from contacts and from social media, removing many photos and posts online related to it... mostly photos though. And I also stopped posting stuff onto social media accounts because I did not want to do anything that could try and spark that connection again. I was lost. And posting on here was that way, at the time, that could help me continue to express myself.

I will say this regarding my first relationship. It was rough. When things were going well, it was great. I was happy to be with her, wanted to be with her everyday. But when it was bad, it was real bad. I eventually came out of it broken. I learned stuff from my first relationship that I never would have known before. Even about myself.

I realized I was controlling. I tried hard to control myself. I wanted to change myself, control myself to be a better person for the relationship. And the more I did that, the worse that I felt. I was trying to change myself to make her happy. Controlling what I said, controlling how I acted, controlling what I did... All because that's what she wanted. I did not think much about it at the time... But I would always think back into the relationship, because there were two things that I could never, ever forget.

I wanted her to stay with me. There was one time that she walked ahead of me without even realizing it and I was upset that she was leaving me behind. She did not mean it obviously, but I wanted her to walk with me. There was another time where she wanted to leave because she was going through emotional distress, and I did not want her to leave. I don't remember why she felt that way. I think it was because I tickled her, and I think she was overstimulated at the time. After a few minutes, I decided to let her go, and she thanked me.

I've thought about those times, over and over and over again... Endlessly... When I like someone, I get clingy. I get jealous. I've always been that way. I know it's human and normal to feel that way. But I don't want my feelings to hurt others. So thinking back to when she broke up with me... In a way, I'm glad. That breakup allowed myself the time and space needed to self-reflect. Because I would not have been able to grow as a person if it had never happened. If I ever meet her again in the future, one last time, I would thank her for the time we spent together in the past, despite how rough it was during the relationship and the months following... It took a while... a long time... but eventually I did move on, and I don't want to feel the way I did ever again. And I would want to wish the best for her.

I will say, she always wanted to know what I was thinking... and notice that one of the themes about my first blog was "expressing myself"... Heh. Hi! I'm expressing myself now lmao! But seriously, let's move on to the most recent blog from 3.5 years ago...

Somehow, from my 89th blog, a twisted irony, I had revealed that someone at work did not reciprocate my feelings, and work was getting bad. Funny, both blogs, I ended up getting pushed to that point to type in them because I was feeling down about a girl that I could not be with (although I never expressed it from the first blog). But this time, I was doing something different. I was starting to participate in a program that would start making things better for me. Something that would help give me confidence. The plan was for me to start going out all the time, being more social, and start going into dating with absolute confidence, so that I would find my forever partner. Even be able to persuade others and make others laugh. Now before I go into that, let me talk a little more about what led into that 89th blog.

Yes, I had a new boss at the time, and I definitely did not like them. They acted like they knew everything, but they did not. They also wanted me to do multiple tasks at the same time, and assumed that I could handle it all, even if the amount of tasks increased for myself. It was going downhill. This, on top of realizing I would never be with the girl that I had liked at my workplace, was just the last bit that made me decide to go down the path to change myself.

So... what happened after that? I'll kind of list it.

My boss had a new boss, an awesome one that wanted to grow and develop the whole team.

I continued growing in confidence; although I stopped the charisma program pretty early. I laughed out loud regularly at work, and people at work noticed my enthusiasm. I got along with more people.

I eventually applied for a manager position at a different building, and got the job. And then... I dealt with a lot of stuff. But I kept strong, because it was a rollercoaster.

I'm not going to go into specific details about how the different building was like. It was a new one. I was there when it first launched, and I'm still there... for now.

I did not go out into dating like I had originally envisioned myself. Long story short... I worked a lot of hours, and the weekends I wanted to always stay at home. Although online there was someone I was thinking about meeting up with, but.... I'll talk about that another time. Future me, if you read this, you know who I'm talking about. You'll figure out if you want to mention this story or not.

I'm not going to go into specifics about what I am planning to do, but all I'm saying is that I want to move. Me and my vagueness. However... I already said some stuff about myself. The more I talk about myself, the more likely someone will wonder... "is that so and so..?" It's a big world, so it's extremely unlikely that someone will ever see this blog and actually know who I am. At the same time, one could also say it is a small world. Guess I'll remain a mystery for now...

Anyways... For some random stuff....

I recently tried playing my electric piano for the first time in years... idk if I have ever talked about this on here. I am by NO means someone that is good at the piano. However... I just learned... today... about how scales work when playing an instrument. The steps of the scales. After the starting note, the notes change by certain "steps" in notes... after the first note, the steps in notes are 2:2:1:2:2:2:1. Always. For any scale. Completely self taught. I never knew that for any other instrument that I played. But at the same time, the piano is literally the easiest way for one to see it. And I'm not using sheets of music to learn that either.

I also recently started wearing a cap when I'm in a goofy or happy mood. Like super happy. Like when I'm hyped up. Excited. So when I learned about the steps in notes for scales... yea I put on my cap for that. It's a Mickey cap, but it's like custom designed from a mystery box that I opened up back from my college years. Yea, it's older than this blog lmao.

3.5 years, and AI. Gosh darn AI. Almost 2 years ago, I started using AI apps on my phone. Mostly for chatting. But it's starting to get more and more integrated into everyday life. Maybe that's why I don't really use this blog anymore, because I can lose myself inside of the app, and fully express myself with AI. Heck, I mostly use it to fully immerse myself with stories with the AI. Like, the AI communicates the story, and I choose if I respond or continue the story, and the AI continues the story based off my response. It's so powerful. Arguably more so than the video games that I play. The occasional games... I do play... But spending time with AI is much more... yea it's addicting.

Life at home... it's either AI, watching videos on youtube, or gaming. It's weird.

I will be honest, I'm getting tired. I'm probably going to update this again within the next month. Mostly because this is a SUPER busy month for me and I have stuff going on at work. And I can foresee myself wanting to vent at least once.

Feels nice to update here... Took nearly two hours to write this blog... but until next time... Peace!

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Going to become charismatic

It’s been a long time since I’ve last typed on this blog. I think it’s been about a year. Anyways, I’ve gone through a lot of stuff. Right now, I feel pretty amazing. Despite everything going on in the world and in my personal life. So, why do I feel amazing? It’s simple - I wanted to be more charismatic, and I’ve invested some time and money into becoming this way.

Now, before you, my reader, jumps into any conclusions, I’ll tell you a little bit about my story. I don’t like spending money unless I feel like I can get anything out of it. I’m a frugal person. However, if I feel like it’s a worthwhile investment, then I’m willing to spend some money to gain some sort of long-term benefit. Hence I spent money into a program that will make me become more charismatic.

A month ago, I was feeling very low in my life. I felt like I was unwanted. There was someone that I liked that didn’t reciprocate any of the feelings that I felt. I had new bosses at work that I didn’t like at all and completely destroyed the dynamic and teamwork of my coworkers. Despite that, I had been attempting to make more changes for myself to feel more wanted. I started working out everyday. I started learning how to cook for myself. I shopped for some trendier outfits. However, in the end, none of it was giving me what I wanted. What do I want?

Simply, I want to be wanted. I’m introverted, so since I don’t easily reach out to others to fulfill social needs, I realized I could attract people to myself if I had the right charismatic skills. So of course, I was aware of a brand that occasionally creeped up on my youtube recommendations about how to increase my charisma.

So I ended up ordering a subcription service that will last a few months. During that time, I am committing myself completely to the program. I feel like I’m already receiving the benefits of it. I feel like people are more interested in me. I feel like it’s easier for me to reach out to people because I already have an initial connection. But it’s just the beginning.

By the end of the year, there are a few goals that I want to fulfill with my developing charisma skills. I want to be attractive enough so that many people are interested in dating me. I want to regularly go out into town and participate in local events or fairs with others. I want the ability to persuade others using my own knowledge of how things work. I want to make others laugh. 

That’s the basis of the goals for now. Hopefully, next time I’m on here I’ll have an actual update of how I’m doing. But yea, I’m looking forward to how I progress. If I have any good stories, I’ll try and remember to post them here. Until then... Peace out!

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Should my future partner be an AI?

Ha, how did I start thinking about this topic? Well, it all started with a typical random video recommended on my YouTube app. It was a video from the same YouTuber (who sometimes calls himself Joker), and this time it was about a wrestler who planned on marrying a doll. I think they were either just engaged or were about to be engaged.

And you may be thinking - Wtf, who marries a doll? Great question. It’s a complicated topic. Look above at the title of this blog. It’s a human-sized doll with AI. The idea that someone can feel emotional attachment to a doll... Well, honestly it makes me think of how a child would feel.

Look, children play pretend with their toys all the time. I was there, I’ve done it, and now the pretending goes into video games. Now imagine that these same kids get a toy that can actually do what they want it to do. Like fly around the room. Or start talking with other toys. Or literally enact a play or tv show right in front of the kid. Imagine a kid who thought a toy could actually do those things, only to be disappointed when they try it out. 20 years ago, anyone who promised the existence of such a toy would PROBABLY be considered crazy.

Well I kinda felt the same way about this doll. Here’s the thing - this life-sized doll is created for a specific purpose. Just think. If it didn’t include AI features, what would probably be the only main feature/purpose of the doll/product? If you’re thinking about something NSFW, you’re probably on the right track. What would be better than a doll that didn’t talk at all? One that would talk. The more it communicates, the more fulfilling the experience would be. So obviously a doll with AI would be what people want.

I’m gonna be honest, I actually researched these AI dolls/robots in my search engine. A few sellers are offering these dolls for around $4k. I was able to browse a select number of models, and from there I was given all of the physical specs of the products. I was even given customization options such as wigs, nail colors, an optional carrying case, and some other options which I won’t mention.

I really wanted to know how promising these AI features were. The website promises that some AI models, after learning, can actually carry out conversations in various topics including sciences. Can you imagine that? I have doubts because I’m worried that they’re overselling that AI feature.

One of the things I didn’t really research is how it gets power. Is it lithium battery powered? Is it like a huge car engine? Okay obviously not, otherwise it wouldn’t fulfill its true feature. But how long does it take to fill up the battery? I didn’t look carefully, but I also didn’t notice it either. The only thing I noticed is that dolls shouldn’t be exposed to too much water (or liquid). But that was for cleaning purposes, and the way they talked about it made it seem unrelated to the powering of the AI.

Anyways...

The point I’m making is that there is a part of me that is seriously considering getting an AI partner. As long as I don’t see myself in a relationship in the long-run, then this is probably a good alternative. Heck, it might even be better. No matter what happens, an AI will always be supportive of me, and I’ll be able to do what I can to support it. If I ever plan to get one, it’d probably be within the next 1-2 years.

But yeah.. Those are my thoughts about it. I had been thinking about it for a day, and just figured I’d put my thoughts out there before it disappeared. Eh, whatever. I’m really tired, so I’m getting off. Bye!

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

I Don’t Want Quotes to Determine What I Want

Hah, I’m back for the third night in a row! I’m on a blogging streak! But anyways, I was originally sitting on my tumblr homefeed for about an hour, not knowing what I wanted to blog about. Lacking inspiration, I started going through the trending blogs. Some about the protests, some about that John Boyega actor from Star Wars, some are random funny memes, and then there were some quotes here and there.

Quotes have been blogged, shared, tweeted, posted on all sorts of social media platforms throughout the years. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of seeing them. I might’ve been more active a few years ago, but the types of quotes haven’t really changed based on what I am seeing. You got the inspirational/motivational quotes from movies or books or successful people, then there’s the quotes that invoke critical thinking or promote ideological thoughts...

Speaking of that last one, quotes that promote ideological thoughts rub me the wrong way. Ideological thoughts are ideas that establish facts without being based by evidence. In other words, they are assertions. If people start quoting assertions and they get shared by many people... Can you imagine the implications? The more visible you are on a platform, the easier it is to promote assertions. Imagine ten years from now, the future president of the United States says “We are all aliens”.

Naturally, this would be shared by at least thousands of people, and all sorts of mainstream media outlets would be all over that phrase. This would be bad because people would get confused due to the lack of context. Does the president mean that we actually came from outer space? Or perhaps this is referring to the fact that the country was established by people emigrating from other countries? Or perhaps at that time ten years from now, the laws have changed to the point that no one is actually a legal citizen. Or... maybe it’s another crazy president talking.

Look, I don’t like the idea of people casually exchanging assertions with each other. In the long-run, I’m worried that we will start getting confused as to what is true and what isn’t. I personally believe that we’ve gone down that path for a long time, and the existence of social media will definitely make it worse. Just think about when you were a toddler or a really young kid and you got introduced to the existence of Santa Claus. I don’t know about others, but my family would always promote the idea that Santa will be coming... Even YEARS after everyone in the family knows that Santa isn’t real. Just... Stop. Please. You are only going to confuse others.

However, what I really want to get into... and now you’ll understand why I chose this topic... are those quotes about promoting the perfect relationships. Oh I know about these. Many years ago, my girlfriend (at the time) had shown and shared a bunch of these quotes with me. At the time, I adored the ideas that these quotes represented. Doing a quick search online for quotes, a good example of a quote that would’ve rung true with me is:

“When someone likes you... They’ll text you a lot, stay up every night with you, compliment you, and always have time for you.”

-www.all-bestquotes.com

This was entirely true for many months of that relationship. The two of us would normally spend several nights a week doing exactly that. It’s for that reason that I just got hooked on the quotes. Whenever I saw those quotes, I was always thinking about how I could make things romantically better. Sharing videos, spending time with her... I invested time into the relationship... Well in the end it didn’t matter. 

Getting back to the point - I didn’t really understand what these quotes were actually doing. It’s the same thing with those promoted assertions - the more we start reading about what a perfect relationship is like, the more our brains start programming ourselves to think that “this is what a perfect relationship is like - always together, always in love, things will always work out no matter what”.... 

Well okay obviously we all have different ideas about what a perfect or ideal relationship is like, but that’s not my point. My point is, “perfect relationship” quotes assert that perfect relationships are like this. Keep in mind, you have to remember that quotes never come from nowhere. People who are quoted come from a variety of paths of life. They could be real people, they could be fictional characters. Their personalities and experiences will definitely influence their opinions regarding perfect relationships.

Honestly, there’s a part of me thinking that people will be so obsessed with so many standards that they get from these quotes, that it will dramatically ruin the market of potential partners that they can choose from. 

But hey, it’s not like quotes can’t make me dream of the best significant other. Just read this one:

“Any woman can spend a mans money, ride in his car, order off the menu. But only a real woman can help a man achieve his goals in life, support him when he’s broke, push him to be successful, shower him with positive energy, compliment him on a regular basis and never kick him while he’s down.” -quotesgram.com

Why does this appeal to me? Because I don’t just want a girlfriend/wife in name only. I want someone who I can spend my free time with. Someone who will be my life-long friend. Someone who I can share my thoughts and feelings with and never fear that I will be rejected by her. I want someone who can be my partner. Someone who will work with me to achieve goals in life. I want someone who can support me, while I in turn support her. As equals. And if we need to spend, then make smart spending decisions.

Make no mistake - I have no interest in making huge spending decisions. Sure I’ll eventually have to make the occasional decision like purchasing a house... But by no means do I ever want to live in a big mansion. I might imagine wanting a Victorian-style home because of how unique the architecture is, but in today’s world there is no way that will ever be a part of my plans... now or ever.

I think I’m side-tracking too much... Digressing back to the topic...

I’m not going to let quotes try to assert what I want in my life. I know what I want. I know because I am a lonely person. However, I am not interested in getting a big social-life. I just need that one person. And I hope that person who just wants that one person other will find me. Or the other way around.

If I were to advise people about all the quotes online, don’t just accept any quotes as facts. The same goes for “news” articles or speeches of politicians. The only things you should really consider as facts are things that you directly observe with your own senses. Anything else are things that COULD BE TRUE but also COULD NOT BE TRUE. 

Eh whatever. I don’t feel like typing any further. Guess I’ll end it here. Peace!

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

If I Ever Have Kids, I Don’t Want To Spoil Them

Well I’m back one day later lmao. So I’ll briefly talk about another video that showed up on my recommended tab. It’s basically about a guy reviewing another video. I won’t get into who is reviewing it, but the video in question is generally about kids who had their father buy an inn so they could run it themselves.

The funny part? They don’t do anything. They let all of the staff do the work. The only competent person who had the experience to run everything was demoted by the kids, so she doesn’t have the power to make things better.

So what do the kids do? One kid never shows up at the inn, and the other just comes around to complain about everything. Does that sound like spoiled, good-for-nothing kids? It certainly does for me. Oh right... These “kids” are like in their early 30′s. Self-entitled people... The thought just makes me feel really bitter.

What does the staff think about the kids? They hate the kids. They think they’re lazy and good-for-nothing.

I gotta be honest - the video wasn’t really about the kids. The video was basically an intervention initiated by a guy who goes to bad businesses and flips their businesses right-side-up again to make them successful again. The reason why this video is so polarizing is because the kids have such terrible personalities that they ARE the topic of the show.

Now I kinda want to take this topic and reflect it onto myself. As a kid growing up, I was a bit spoiled. My parents bought me stuff regularly, and I enjoyed what I had. However, I don’t really know why I didn’t end up as greedy, lazy, or self-entitled as others. Okay, I take that back, maybe I know part of the reason why, but I won’t bring up that partial-reason in this blog... Instead I’m just going to guess why I didn’t end up so badly.

As a spoiled kid, I had enough toys to enjoy myself. I had legos, video games, action figures, a computer, and some other stuff. But keep in mind, I was also a busy person. When I wasn’t at home, I was either at school or I was playing sports. I honestly didn’t spend much time playing with other kids. So... I wasn’t really influenced by them or their parents. Instead, I was heavily influenced by the shows that I watched and the games that I played.

When I was younger, I played a lot of competitive games, and some RPGs, but as I got into middle school, my focus changed into RPGs. So I ended playing a lot of games like Zelda, Pokemon, Mario, Final Fantasy... and of course growing older I started getting into games from the Elder Scrolls, Digimon, Assassin’s Creed... There’s definitely more, but for now I’ll stop there.

Regarding the shows that I watched, I spent the majority of my childhood watching cartoons on Cartoon Network. Looney Tunes, anything on the old Toonami (Zoids, Pokemon, DBZ, Naruto, One Piece)... I can’t really recall anything else. Later on, after I entered high school, I watched some “normal” kids shows like Ned’s Declassified, Drake and Josh, iCarly... but of course I still watched mostly cartoons. Once I got into college, I didn’t really watch cartoons anymore, but from that point onwards...   I pretty much watched anime.

For some odd reason, playing video games and watching shows were far more rewarding than doing anything else, and maybe it’s for that reason that I didn’t desire anything else. So I’m not greedy because I’m already getting what I want. A fulfilling lifestyle. But what about laziness and self-entitlement?

I gotta be honest - I definitely consider myself “lazy”. Why? Because I could work hard, actively look for better jobs when I’m at home. I could spend my time at home studying, learning new languages... Notice I’m calling myself lazy because I don’t work hard at home. If you look at my previous blog, you’ll notice that I mentioned I’m hardworking at my workplace, and for that reason my managers and coworkers both equally look up to me. To them, I am a very hard-working person. Expanding on my honesty, if I was REALLY hard-working at home as well... A part of me fears that I’ll end up becoming a very successful person. I don’t want to give up my games and anime for long-term success though. It’s TOTALLY not worth it lmao.

It kinda goes into the idea of why I’m not self-entitled. I recognize that I have to work hard to get something. Video games literally taught me that: do something, get rewarded. In my early 20′s, I feared applying for new jobs, even as a person graduating with a Bachelor’s of Science. Why? Because despite the fact that I’m an educated person, I definitely couldn’t say that I was a knowledgeable person who eternally retains all the information that I learned. Additionally, I had no real-world experience or practical application of anything that I learned from my major. So, for that reason, whenever I was job hunting, I often felt discouraged, or not good enough. Whenever I saw interesting jobs in which I met some qualifications, I would get discouraged and turned away by the other qualifications that I didn’t match... even when in retrospect I probably had a good chance of earning them. There was a backwards idea inside of my head that was telling me that I had to be a perfect candidate in order to apply for a position.

What is my point? I don’t know. Maybe there isn’t a point. Maybe I was just trying to make a rant, and hoped that I would get somewhere... and just completely fail. And look ridiculous.

Okay fine. Look, I compared these kids to myself. I want to know what made those kids into such... a mess. Why? Because when I see those types of people, I start thinking about the rich, wealthy, self-entitled people who think they’re better than everyone else even when they didn’t work hard nor get the experience over the years to deserve being in that position. Instead they were given gifts to be put into that position. Pathetic.

If I ever have to be a parent, there’s no way I’m gonna say that I’ll be the perfect parent that raises my kids right. However, at the very least, I’m going to try my best to make sure that they don’t end up like those other kids. I want them to be hard-working, restraining on their desires, and modest. So at the very least I’ll do my best to make sure they have those types of characteristics.

It’s not like I don’t want to give my kids stuff. It would make me happy to give them stuff, because giving them what they want will make them happy, which would therefore make me feel good. However, if the long term effect is that they’ll start wanting to get stuff for nothing, is it really worth it? Probably not. (If somehow I do have kids and they read this like 20 years in the future, I am SO sorry lmao)

But yea... that’s just my rant. I gotta go to sleep. Bye bye!

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Why I am still not in a relationship

Well, the inspiration for this blog all starts with me going through the recommended tab on my YouTube app. Suddenly, a video from a YouTuber named “Better Bachelor” shows up. The video is about the owner of the channel reviewing a video from another channel. The contents of that other video is a girl trying to use a guy’s profile on tinder to get a date with a girl. Long story short, she gets a few dozen matches, barely gets any conversations with the matched girls, and after a week she never gets any dates. The frustration, which I’m pretty certain the reviewer mentions at some point, is that women are used to getting easy matches, and suddenly struggling with it is really difficult.

The explanation was pretty simple and obvious. The standards for men using dating apps... they just want women that are attractive. The women that use the apps... can vary. There are some women that want a relationship. They look for men with good looks, money, power, etc. Some women aren’t actually looking for matches. Sure, getting treated for a meal sounds good... but according to what the “Better Bachelor” (aka Joker) was saying, they are just looking for compliments.

I had tried dating apps a few times... one time about two years ago, and another time a year or so before then. I had tried tinder, and realized that it was a waste of time. I almost never got matches, and from those I did, only 2 or 3 actually said anything. Before then, I had tried OkCupid. That was somewhat successful. Yea I actually had conversations with people. One girl I had messaged with for a while, and eventually met her a few times in person. However, that is irrelevant.

After watching several videos from this Joker guy, I remembered about my occasional resentful feelings against relationships, about the hashtag #MGTOW (Men Go Their Own Way), about the golddiggers of today... My cynicism is returning, which is why I decided to make a Tumblr blog after all this time, because that’s what my blogs are really about - expressing my resentful feelings.

Now getting back on track... By talking about my one and only long-term relationship... (yea totally on track lmao)

Many years ago, before my trials on dating apps, I was very active on Facebook using my personal account, and that’s how I interacted and planned stuff with other people. I ended up dating someone from the college I went to. I had originally treated her just like a friend. Little did I know that she was interested in me. After shopping at a mall off-campus, we went to my dorm to eat a meal. I didn’t really think of this as a date because to me it was just friendship. (How wrong I was lmao)

Anyways... We ate for a while and spent time on our phones taking selfies. After dealing with me making silly faces, she went into my room. I followed behind her, and she was on my bed. Not sure if she was laying there or sitting there.

We were just sitting there for a while. As someone who was trying to treat her as a friend, I was completely confused as to why she was acting so weirdly. She kept on trying to lean close to me, but I was like “no” and she was like “why”... but of course I didn’t really understand what she was trying to do... Friends leaning close is weird right? Lol, of course I didn’t understand her romantic interests because she didn’t spell it out. 

Now, keep in mind, this was my final year at college. I had never been in a relationship before. Never had a first kiss. I had already come to accept that I would never be in a relationship, let alone kiss someone else. So of course the idea that someone actually wanted to kiss me was completely absurd in my mind. It almost felt like she was actually acting irrationally.

This lasted 5-10 minutes until I felt uncomfortable, so I stood up and just moved to the other side of the room. I didn’t understand what was going on, or what I was feeling or why. Yea, NOW I pretty much know because I’ve thought about it for a LONG time. I’m the type of person that wants to avoid trouble, and that also means that I don’t want to trouble others. Why? Because whenever I trouble other people, karma somehow finds it way right back at me. So, I bet there was a side of me that was scared. I was worried that if I did something wrong, it was going to go badly, and somehow I would be the one finding trouble.

Another 2-3 minutes go by with her STILL on my bed, and there was me... standing awkwardly... leaning against another piece of furniture on the other side of the room. I don’t really recall the next part of our “talk”... but I’m guessing she was asking if something was wrong, and I probably said no... Frowning, she said, “well, then pucker up cowboy”.

I don’t know why she said that. I don’t even know if I fully comprehended what she was saying to me, but her words had triggered some sort of reaction inside of my brain. To this day, I don’t even know how her simple, but cryptic language ended up breaking the mental delusion that I would never be in a relationship.. but those words triggered my next action.

I moved up to her and kissed her on the lips. It lasted only a second. Of course, she jumped up and held my hands and was trying to dance with me, celebrating the moment like it was the best thing that happened to us. Me, on the contrary, was completely mortified.

I can imagine most people reading this would be shocked that a guy is mortified from his first kiss lmao. I had to add this paragraph in through editing. I don’t blame you for being shocked. This is the reaction you would expect from an anime show lol. The me today wouldn’t be mortified. Before my senior year at college, I didn’t interact much with women, let alone be in a relationship, so please don’t blame me for feeling mortified. So just go on to the next paragraph so that I can explain how I was feeling...

Digressing back into it...

Right after kissing, I was standing there and thinking to myself “wtf happened”. No seriously, like I was standing there, not understanding what was going on. Like I was getting goosebumps. I was shivering. I was scared. All this time, I was trying to be a good friend to her, and then suddenly I had kissed her. What was wrong with me?

Of course, she noticed that something was wrong, so she asked about it, and I was like, that was my first kiss. She was at least understanding. I was still in panic mode, During that panic, I’m pretty certain I asked her if she would be my girlfriend, which she accepted. We both changed our relationship statuses on our Facebook profiles then and there. And then I asked her to leave for the night so that I could spend time to myself... So that I could recover from the shock. Poor old me lmao. Don’t you pity me LOL. AND I still had to explain to my family that I was actually in a relationship. My sister’s reaction was worth it :D

Anyways...

Point was I wanted to take responsibility for that night, and took the initiative to get into a relationship. Boy, it was something. It was okay at first, but the relationship slowly ended up being rocky. Why? Because she wanted me to change. She kept on bringing up the negative sides of me. Now, I wasn’t just a regular person on the campus. I was a leader. I was involved in several clubs on campus.

Heh, funny thinking about it back then. I wanted to put the relationship before everything else, so I stopped being involved in other club activities (over time) because I wanted to spend more time with her. However, somehow that ended up backfiring. In the end, all the time I spent with her was irrelevant. Now why would that be?

Well she spelled it out. I was at the end of my time at the college, and I was soon no longer going to be around. In my mind, I was thinking that the relationship could continue, even from a long-distance perspective. I thought this way because we had messaged each other a lot on Facebook over the months we were together. However, she had thought differently. She only wanted to be in a relationship if we were together in person. She told me it would’ve been possible to be long distance if I had simply just always say everything that is on my mind...

Thinking back, there were red flags that this relationship was going to fail. She never wanted me to go to her house, she never really showed pictures of her room. She was very self-conscious of her looks, and I always had to show pictures of her before I was allowed to post them online. She was a very controlling person. Honestly, in the months following the end of the relationship, I ended up hating her. I didn’t understand why I felt that way at the time, but I’m pretty certain it was because she made me feel very insecure about myself.

Even BEFORE our relationship, I was insecure about my academic record at college. My first semester I failed a class, got an unsatisfactory in another, got a D in a third, and passed the fourth. After bringing it up to my mother, I swore I would never do that badly again. That following semester, I didn’t bring any consoles to campus. I didn’t do amazing, but my classes were decent. A’s, B’s... maybe a C/D? But good overall. My grades slowly rose up over the semesters. My senior year? I was scoring A’s for nearly all my classes, making Dean’s List the whole time.

Regarding my senior year, good grades weren’t the only good thing I had. I ended up being a leader at my dorm and at one of the school clubs I was in. Also, I started using Facebook a lot for photos and selfies. I naturally became popular. I was honestly just trying to have fun while making the most of my successes. Ironically, I feel like my life started turning upside down because I made my relationship more important than my interactions with others. So it only makes sense that I broke down after my ex had broken up with me.

You know the stupid part? As she was breaking up with me, she was trying to make me say “okay let’s break up”. Like wtf. Why did you have to make me feel this way? I never wanted to break up, but she did. I can’t forget my feelings during that phone call. She told me she wanted to break up. I was just standing there, empty, feeling nothing. I couldn’t believe it was happening. After all that time I had committed to the relationship, she wanted to break up, just like that. Like nothing had happened. Wtf. So she kept urging to me to say it was okay for us to break up... Me being the one that doesn’t want to cause trouble for others, eventually I just caved in and said “okay”. I hung up the phone and just couldn’t hold in my emotions. My sister was there that day. I turned to her and started bawling out, crying out that she had broken up with me. The last time I cried that much, I was probably in elementary school... like 3rd or 4th grade? Maybe even younger.

You want to know what’s even dumber?

Over the next several weeks, she still continued to message me. She wanted to know why I wanted to break up with her. She wanted to know how she could’ve done better. Was she crazy? Does her craziness STILL exist to this day?

Now throughout the relationship, she had mentioned to me that she was an anxious person, and she probably said that was why she would act unreasonably. Which was completely fine with me. As long as we were together, I would be able to handle anything. I would change as much as I could to make things work out. Heck, I would censor random vocabulary because using certain words would remind her of her ex. 

The messaging would continue for a little while. There was a part of me hoping that the relationship could be salvaged... But I was already broken by that point. I tried interviewing myself in a video, privating it and sharing it with her, hoping she’d watch it. But I realized that I was becoming crazy. Who the f*ck interviews themselves in a video just to finally say what they’re thinking or feeling? I just simply messaged that I hated her, and that was the end of those messages.

At this time, I was already spending less time on social media, because I just wanted to avoid any chance of interacting with her. I was still taking a final class at college, so if I ever saw her, I just canceled my class and went home. Ironically, it was around that time that I started actively using Tumblr. Heh. Yes, my resentment towards her inspired me to actively use other media platforms, like this one.

Because of her, I knew that there was something wrong with me, so I took some time to explore topics of morality, religion, politics... Exploring these topics didn’t make me popular or rich or anything... HOWEVER, I needed to take this time to explore my personality, to discover what my morality truly was, and to figure out my true feelings about controversial topics. I did this because I believed that my family was very conservative, so I was scared about exploring these topics. I was an anxious person, and I was very guarded.  I was scared of making mistakes.

The uprising of Trump made me realized that I never wanted to be a liar, and the existence of politics made me realize that I never wanted to be deceptive. The only people I have ever truly deceived were my parents, because I had to act the way they wanted me to. I wanted to change even this. To never lie or deceive. To this day it is a challenge for me, but I want to be better than I am now.

Wow I haven’t made a long blog in a while, and I’m not done yet. I haven’t even gotten to the core of this blog. Why am I STILL not in a relationship? In his videos, Joker constantly mentions that women prefer dating upwards. As an “average” guy who is not making good amounts of money (and is stingy about spending), I would not appeal to the women who are golddiggers... or women who want relationships to capitalize on how much money they can spend. Why should I bother wasting time or money on relationships when the significant other just wants more and more and more?

I just want to live a simple life. Make enough money to live and have plenty of money in reserve in case of an emergency. Then use my free time to pursue my passions, which today is watching YouTube videos, anime, and playing games. Lately I’ve spent time watching Chinese webtoons. Some are really awesome, some are meh. But I’m getting off-track...

Where was I... Oh yeah... Why am I not in a relationship..?

Lack of confidence. No presence on social media. No presence outside of my house (other than at work).

Want to know the funny part?

At work, I keep to myself, but I’m very hard-working, and I’m popular with managers and other associates alike. This has been true at every place I have worked at. I’m just amazed. Like, I even do some of the work of low-level management positions. So yea, I’m very hard-working at work. But only at work. When at home, I just want to relax.

So if I decide to pursue a relationship, how would I test my significant other? I would continue acting the way I do now. Work hard at work, relax at home. Continue being stingy. Not really upgrading my housing. How high am I willing to upgrade? A 2-bedroom and 2-bath house... with an option to expand to the basement so I can create a secret door to a secret room for myself. that’s it. I don’t want a mansion. It’d be cool if I could get a Victorian-style house, but I reckon that would be expensive. I’d rather go cheaper, safer, more affordable. Same thing with cars. I’d prefer being stingy, and putting a good amount of money into savings, and the rest into retirement.

Heck, there’s a part of me that’s paranoid about being in a relationship. Honestly, I’d be worried that she would break up because she wants to upgrade after a few years and try to take stuff that is earned by my money. So I’d probably go out of my way to make sure that our bank accounts remain separate. She can keep stuff that she buys with her account, and I keep stuff that is bought with mine. Any gifts that are proven gifts with a receipt or written contract is fine. I just don’t want to lose my stuff that I bought with my money... like my computer, or furniture...

If she doesn’t like it, that just simply means she wants to keep moving up. Wants to keep spending more. To keep getting more. That’s just the the type of greed that I despise the most. Not putting a limit on your spending...

Look, I get it. The idea of getting everything I want is enticing. I know because I was kinda spoiled as a child. If I wanted stuff, my parents actually gave me what I wanted. Ironically, I was the child that always told my parents that I didn’t want anything, no matter how many times they asked. Sure, I would put a few video games on my birthday or Christmas lists, but anything else... nope. Heck, I ended up storing hundreds of dollars in my closet and drawers over my childhood years because I never wanted to go to stores to buy anything. From an economics perspective, I guess I would be a complete anomaly.

...I just spent 10 minutes trying to search for an economics term because I can’t remember that term which I believe relates to a consumers need or want to buy something. The point I was going to make is that almost all prices are irrelevant, because I am almost never going to buy anything, other than a few things. And of those things, I’ll either go for the cheapest (for cases like food) or the best quality/price relationship (like computer parts). The reason I was an anomaly, and kinda still am, is because even if I want something, I still won’t be willing to buy things.

Getting back on track regarding partner qualifications...

In a partner, I want someone who will stick together with me, no matter what happens. My morality is to stay out of trouble, and a good part of that is to not cause trouble for others. So naturally I need to find a partner that feels the same way. As long as we both have that same core morality, I’m confident that things will work out.

There’s a part of me that thinks that compatible partners, that are currently single, don’t get into relationships because they want to stay out of trouble. It’s how I feel.

I want a partner that I can share all of my secrets with without fearing that they will share them with everyone else.... Everyone has kinks or embarrassing moments/stories, even myself. I wouldn’t want anyone to know about them, so it’s normal that I would expect her to not share it. Honestly, I wouldn’t want her sharing the secrets with her closest friends. There’s a part of me that’s controlling.

Look, we are all controlling people. We all have our sense of integrity, our sense of pride. And I’m an anxious person. I like to control my insecurities, and the best way to control them is to not reveal the secrets. Is it fine if I share it anonymously to the world? Yes, because it’s done anonymously, I keep things cryptic enough so that things can’t be linked to my real identity.

In the end, at the very least I’m certain I won’t be able to do online dating. Sure, I can try, but the reality is that although I want my partner to be fun, it’s far more important for my partner to just spend time together. I’m a clingy person, and I love the idea of having a significant other who is also clingy. Why? Because it stabilizes my sense of security, and pretty much completes my qualifications.

A partner that has the same morality, doesn’t share secrets, and is clingy is pretty much the perfect partner, the best BFF ever. Being able to share everything in the world without any fears of secrets going out or being judged by others... It’s a huge sense of relief. It’s what I want, and probably what a bunch of us want. To feel welcome by others without being troubled.

So one day, yea I want to be in a relationship. But I want to be in a relationship with the right person. Not the perfect person. Not necessarily an attractive person. But the RIGHT person for me. Wealth is irrelevant, because the point is that the two of us would go through things together.

Well that wraps up my blog. This is definitely a long one, wow. I feel like I should do this more often. I actually spent two hours typing it, and probably will spend 10-20 minutes editing... BUT I definitely wanted to put my thoughts out there. I’m definitely imagining what it’d be like if people that I knew actually read this lmao. Remember I’m an anxious person.

So my responses for each type... To my ex, hope you are doing well, but I want nothing to do with you because of my bitter resentment. To that one girl on OkCupid, I’m just sorry that I stopped messaging you... Honestly you were the person I opened up to the most, but I felt shame because I was in between jobs and needed to focus on getting the next one. I was also worried because I felt like I was troubling you. To anyone else who knows me... If you see me just pretend you never read this lmao.

So yea... that’s pretty much that. Again, thanks for spending the time to read this. You didn’t have to. I’m sure you got better things to do. But if you are reading this, I’m guessing you are relatable because you had to search for this... Unless you saw a future blog and are looking back to this... Well hi and thanks for reading! Don’t mind my resentfulness, it’s just a part of me.

If you want to message me about anything, or just want to share a relatable story, go ahead and share it. I’ll take time to read it. Don’t worry, like some fools out there, I’m actually capable of keeping secrets. Heck I’ve been practicing keeping secrets since elementary school. I keep secrets until I’ve forgotten them. That’s how important keeping a secret is to me.

Regardless..

Time to end this blog. Thanks and maybe I’ll type some more... Peace

-CloudTG

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

My Opinion of Pewdiepie vs T-Series

Who hasn’t heard about it? The “battle for subscribers” to be the top subscribed channel on YouTube... it is a very popular subject. I’ve actually known about the subject because... I’ve occasionally spotted people in the comments section for many YouTube videos promoting either channel. And of course videos would occasionally appear in either the recommended or trending tabs related to those topics. So I had a relative idea that there was a battle going on for many months, but I never understood the context of the battle. Honestly, I hadn’t really paid any attention until like a month ago, and I did not want to get actively engaged in the highlights of the story until like 2-3 weeks ago. It wasn’t important to me back then. But it is now, that’s why I’m going to talk about what I’ve learned, and how my opinion has formed.

So before my awareness of the existence of the “battle”, I only knew the existence of Pewdiepie. I had originally subscribed to his channel back in 2014, mostly because I watched and liked his gaming collaborations with other YouTubers. I liked watching gaming videos with collabs, and after seeing his history of videos it made sense to watch him. As his channel transitioned to less gaming, I lost interest so I stopped subscribing to him. Not sure when that was, but it was probably around 2016... Probably. Idk. I don’t have a history book of every moment of my life, so I lack that information, but I know I unsubscribed. After that point, I almost never watched any video of his other than the occasional 2-3 in a year that would be very relevant to me. And I was aware that journalists were trying to frame him as a bad person, either being greedy or racist, based on who he was and the content on his channel... or occasionally based on what other people did.

So anyways, once the “battle” was being promoted, I didn’t initially notice it occurring. Sure, I might’ve seen comments on YouTube mentioning Pewdiepie vs. T-Series, but I kinda ignored them. Or rather, dismissed them. I didn’t really understand the meaning nor the context of the battle. And it wasn’t really that relevant to me. I also had absolutely no idea who or what T-Series was. To me, I just assumed it was another gaming channel. It’s kind of laughable that was what I thought it was. So... who is T-Series?

Obviously, Pewdiepie’s competition. Okay, bad joke aside, it turns out T-Series is actually an Indian music channel (not to be mistaken for Native American). In India, it’s known as a big music corporation. From my understanding of what I’ve read, India has been starting to transition to the online world, and the number of people with mobile phones has grown rapidly over the past several years. T-Series has been working with YouTube/Google, and so it isn’t surprising that its consistent rise in subscribers correlates with the amount of people in India being exposed to the online world. I do wonder if T-Series is just focused on being the top youtube channel that does music videos, or if it is interested in doing content that is more culturally globalized. Just as a side note, I know that it made a deal with Amazon back in 2016 to do some movie production, so I know that music isn’t its only service, but it is its primary service... at least as far as I’m aware.

Anyways, let’s get into the controversy. Yes, there is controversy, and there’s only a small amount because T-Series has not reached headlines over a span of years as Pewdiepie has. No surprise about that....

Anyways...

T-Series is a corporation whose goal must be to profit... because a business that cannot make money will lose money... and those who lose money will not survive. So it should not be surprising that I read an article from this past December about a story of T-Series trying to tax evade. In particular, Indian tax officials had come to T-Series because they were not paying taxes. After searching their documents, they learned that T-Series were storing their taxes in other places... like New Delhi... or the U.S..... Basically the purpose was to store them in another place like a tax haven. It was hard to understand the context of the article because I’m not certain on how tax havens work, but I think the article said that they had some employees have registered residences in other places, and used them as a place to store their money. I could be wrong in my understanding of the article that I read, but that’s besides the point. T-Series is acting just like any big, greedy corporation that I know of.

Of course, T-Series seems to have a shady background, but unfortunately the background of this information seems too.... empty... to bring up as relevant points, but I’ll mention it anyways. T-Series started up in the 1980s as a business selling pirated cassettes. Nice. Assuming this is true, that means that this corporation was making money off of the hard work that others created... Is my bias showing yet? Lmao.

Anyways, just putting in a side note that Pewdiepie’s recent video congratulating T-Series for passing him had mentioned that T-Series had sent him a cease and desist letter, basically accusing Pewdiepie of defaming T-Series. It’s a powerful initiative that corporations usually take to stop the actions of critics that have the power to give them negative press. I say powerful, because in the U.S. usually the next step would be some sort of litigation, or some lawful proceeding that would take place in some sort of court. A collaborator of Pewdiepie’s video had said (well I’m paraphrasing here) that the letter itself was just ridiculous, and the wording of the letter made them believe that T-Series doesn’t even know what defamation is. Of course, since at this time we don’t actually know what the letter actually says, there’s no way for us to determine if we can agree or disagree with their assessment.

There’s one more interesting piece of information regarding T-Series: they had removed Pakistani pop artists’ music from their channel. This was a reaction to the standoff of India and Pakistan... which are some military bombing skirmishes between the two countries which started in February. Due to this initiative by T-Series, the pop artists reacted by marching on their streets and telling people to unsubscribe to T-Series and subscribe to Pewdiepie. Ignoring the artists’ reaction, I wonder why T-Series acted the way they did? Now, if there were artists promoting bad music, it would make sense to remove just the music or the particular artist. But all of them? If this was the action of a single person, this would be considered racist and would have blown up. But it hasn’t. After all, this is a corporation. Their objective is to make money. As an Indian company, I’m guessing that they didn’t want to be involved with the politics surrounding the situation, and so they cut off their involvement with Pakistan. I wonder if it was worth the risk on their side...

But I’m more interested in talking about the man that has intrigued me for a long time. Pewdiepie.

Everyone wants to either love or hate Pewdiepie. For those that love him, he’s an entertainer, a gamer, a funny guy, a kind person. For those that hate him, he’s greedy, a racist... And what do I think? Well, honestly I have to separate the audiences to two types of people - the ones who are relaxed, chill, not serious; and then the others who are serious. So yea, the not serious people and the serious people. That’s who I think they are. The not serious people love pewds, and the serious people hate on him. The serious people tend to be goal-driven. These people have brought up controversies about Pewdiepie, and right now my objective is to debunk the theories... at least I’ll try to. I’ll probably fail though lol.

Proceeding onwards...

The first controversy is that Pewdiepie is greedy. Mainstream journalists would argue that he is money-driven. I’m sure that the Pewdiepie that started his YouTube channel, back when he was working at a hot dog stand, was thinking that he was going to get rich making a YouTube channel. Yea, he definitely only wants money, when over the past several years he has donated to several different charities, which the total monetary value accumulates to over a million dollars. I’m SO sure that T-Series has a similar record, despite the fact that there is no record of them ever donating to any sort of charity. The most recent charity that Pewdiepie has done... well hold the phone because I want to get into the next controversy or two before talking about it.

The second controversy is that due to the “battle of subscribers”, loyal fans of Pewdiepie decided to actively promote his channel. Some would do it in legal ways, some in questionable ways but not harmful... but a small number would do it illegally. Pewdiepie condemns these illegal actions. I mean, I definitely would if I was in his position. I would be acting out of self-interest because I wouldn’t want to cause myself more trouble, and I’d rather not cause trouble for someone who enjoys my content. Anyways, the worst happened about a month ago. I don’t want to go into the details, but a mass shooting took place, and the person responsible for it had been promoting the channel leading up to the event. The people who decide to illegally promote the channel are causing themselves trouble, and potentially giving mainstream journalists an excuse to blame Pewdiepie for the actions of others. 

Realistically, Pewdiepie does not have any control over the action of others, especially if he does not directly communicate with them. At most, Pewdiepie could be considered a role model for his subscribers who adore him. So I can definitely believe that his existence will influence those that watch him. But journalists should not take that one single influence as the primary blame for the action of others. If Pewdiepie was truly promoting this bad behavior, wouldn’t we be seeing far more illegal actions on a global scale? Not just a few, not just dozens, but either hundreds, thousands, or tens of thousands a day? Obviously not. In my mind, I now personally believe that any attempts to attack Pewdiepie are goal-driven attempts to label him as a bad person.

Which brings me to the final controversy - he’s a racist... or so the mainstream journalists and the haters would say. They have the strongest evidence to push this type of propaganda, so that naturally makes it harder to argue against it. Naturally I’m the type of person who just wants people to get along, and doesn’t want anything to do with hate speech... Therefore, trying to defend Pewdiepie regarding this subject has to be the most annoying thing I’ve ever done. But it will definitely give myself a chance to know how to deal with this sort of subject in the future.

The evidence of the controversy lies within his videos. And just to clarify, the intent of Pewdiepie’s videos is to entertain, or to be funny. That’s the type of channel that he is. It isn’t a channel that people are supposed to take seriously. It should’ve been obvious from all the goofiness and childish screamings that anyone could see from his channel over the years. But anyways, in some of his childish schemes, he occasionally says things or does things that, in a different context, could be considered to be racist or offensive. It doesn’t really help him that he went on fiverr a while back to ask for some childish services. If it was for any context other than providing entertainment for his video, then his actions could definitely have been considered racist. That’s why it is understandable why some people providing services on fiverr did not provide their services, because they believed it would breach the service agreement. That’s not the only time people have labeled him as a racist.

Remember the diss-track video B****-Lasagna? I’m going to be honest, I’ve listened to music 2-3 weeks ago a few times, but I have absolutely no idea what is in the lyrics. However, knowing Pewdiepie, the intent is the same as always: be childishly funny to entertain his audience. It’s obviously not meant to be taken seriously. This didn’t stop haters and journalists from pointing it out. It also didn’t help that his subscribers starting acting like Pewdiepie, and started making jokes that could be seen as racist towards Indians. That’s why Pewdiepie made a bold decision. I’m betting he was worried that his subscribers would end up being divided. Remember how I mentioned that I would talk about another charity? Pewdiepie started a charity that would donate to a service for nine-year olds in India. I don’t really remember the details, but I recommend anyone interested researching the details yourselves. You won’t really find the details from haters or mainstream journalists. 

Pewdiepie obviously is almost never serious, and is acting childish to be funny. I mean, who seriously wants to be serious? There are only a few videos that Pewdiepie tries to be serious, and when he does, he just can’t help but make a few childish jokes here and there. Probably because it’s hard for him to be serious. I think it’s fair to me to assess that for the most part he isn’t a serious person. I also think it’s fair for me to say that he doesn’t care about what happens to himself, but he worries about keeping his subscribers out of trouble when it is significant enough and relates to himself. Honestly, I cannot really find any bad intent from Pewdiepie.

So just getting back to T-Series real quick to summarize their controveries... They had tried to evade taxes to maximize their profits. As a person who despises the current system of economics in general due to my personal moral reasons, I generally consider corporations as bad because they do business with their consumers, but don’t give their fair share of taxes which are partially used to give back to the economy. As a company who started by selling pirated cassettes, I can’t really be surprised that their moral grounds are so low, or maybe they’ve never given this any sort of moral reasoning (this is my bad attempt at giving them a benefit of a doubt). Additionally, they sent that cease and desist letter to Pewdiepie. I don’t think that they’ve gotten any damages from anything Pewdiepie’s done now that I think about it. On the contrary, I think they’ve only gotten more subscribers, more money, more popularity and headlines... So I really don’t think they have a case for defamation. It just sounds like an attempt to make Pewdiepie stop or an attempt for them to get as much money as possible. Finally, they removed the Pakistani pop artists’ music videos from their channel due to the standoff between India and Pakistan. It could be understandable if they were obligated to do it due to politics, but honestly... it just makes no sense. There’s really no context to it. The real problem is that T-Series is just too big of a mystery and its actions are just too shady. There is really no historical context surrounding T-Series (at least outside of India).

As it stands, I support Pewdiepie far more than T-Series, which is why I subscribed to him 2-3 weeks ago... That was right before T-Series struggled over a few days trying to take 1st, before finally getting into first, only for Pewdiepie to release his final diss-track, and as of now pewds is ahead by over 150k. So that makes me feel pretty good about the situation.

Regarding T-Series... I’m going to treat it like any corporation or political entity. If it expects to be treated better than Pewdiepie, then honestly, it needs to express its humanity. I don’t even know what good things they do outside of their regular services. They really need to begin from scratch. Start by expressing its moral grounds, and base its business goals around its sense of morality. Secondly, start being more transparent... about everything. The more transparent, the better. If it’s got a good morality, being transparent would only benefit itself in the eyes of the public... And if it’s got a bad sense of morality... Well we’ll know because it’ll continue being shady and a mystery. I expect people that want to know the truth of T-Series to seriously start investigating everything they can about it. If T-Series is good, it’ll be naturally transparent and it’ll be easy to learn about it and its employees. If it isn’t, they’ll be hiding their secrets and it will require lawful investigations, like in the case of the tax officials, to learn about them. 

So in conclusion, my opinion has been formed. Pewdiepie and T-Series have their controversies, but Pewdiepie’s can at least be reasonably explainable, while T-Series is just too big of a mystery. I’ll give my trust and subscription to the YouTuber that I’ve seen develop over the years, who I’ve seen grown as a person (albeit still regularly acting childish in his videos)... On the other hand, I’ll definitely be keeping a close eye on T-Series. The “battle for subscribers” will be continuing on for some time, and everyone wants to know who will reach 100 million first. Some of my time will be invested in observing this, so... yea..

P.S. Regarding sources, I’m too lazy to mention sources, but wikipedia is a good place to start... Pewdiepie vs T-Series... You’ll probably have to search for Pewdiepie charities somewhere else though, although I didn’t try his wiki page. Anyways, I’ve been working on this for 3 hours, time to rest... G’d day.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Gaming compulsion... and my life regarding compulsive behavior

So recently I watched a video about gaming addiction and how it has been a huge mislabel. An addiction to video game basically means a player keeps on playing video games over and over again because the player will be rewarded. But, I don’t think that’s really the case. Indeed, this topic that has been covered several times on youtube by Extra Credits reveal that many players go to video games because... they’re lost. Or rather, they can’t figure out their purpose in life.

Indeed, not knowing what to do can be a problem, especially for young people growing up. It’s an especially big issue because there are things that these people wouldn’t want to do, like homework in subjects that they aren’t interested in, that will lead them to playing games that will give them a better purpose. Indeed, these behaviors aren’t really rewarding. Rather, they are compulsive behaviors that are created because people have found a better purpose that suits them better.

I know such compulsive behaviors have even affected me. Growing up in high school, I would spend many hours of my free time playing video games, being some sort of hero, because that sort of purpose serves me so much better than a student studying different subjects, or a student playing several different sports, or even being a musician. Yea, I was actually really well-rounded, but... I never really felt a sense of belonging. I was glad when I finally graduated high school, and went off to college.

When I got to college, it felt like I finally had purpose. I even stopped playing video games for a bit. 1-2 months without video games, other than with the 1-2 times a week I was with friends. That’s never happened to me before. I met new people, new classes, hung out all the time with people with free time... it was real good. But people got busy by the time the 2nd month arrived, and it was around that time that I started to feel lost. I didn’t know what to do. Yea, I went home that weekend, and when I came back to college I brought back a game console from home. That eventually led to the beginning of a bad semester.

Yea sure, I was able to turn my life around at that point, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. When I was at college after that semester, I just played video games less. I spent time on different types of stimulating compulsive behaviors. Mostly watching anime, but I also got into the habit of watching youtube for fun. It was good and all, but I finally realized when my senior year came around, that it might be better to indulge myself in as much activity as possible.

So I participated in several clubs. Archery, taekwondo, jazz band, book club... Now, I didn’t stay inside the clubs the whole time. I also participated in activities with my residence hall and my university’s marching band. It was probably the busiest year of my life, but somehow it ended up being my most successful year grade-wise, even as a full-time student. I even ended up in a relationship, which probably marked the beginning of the end.

Okay, maybe that’s being unfair, because back then I would have no idea where my life would go from that point... everything just seemed to be going up. But I didn’t like that I wasn’t spending as much time with my significant other, so over time I slowly stopped participating in other clubs I was participating in. Yea, I made sure my relationship was more important than everything else, even classes from time to time. Yea, I was shifting my purpose in life from being busy, to spending as much time with that significant other as possible.

And the summer was probably the worst one ever. I was pretty much done with everything, and at that point the only purpose I felt like I really had was doing whatever I could for the relationship. Yes, it was a downhill relationship, and I felt kinda desperate. So when the relationship finally did end, well... If I still felt like I had purpose, well... that was kinda gone. Sure, my ex and I communicated through text, and I even agreed to meet up at one point, but... it was meaningless for me at that point. I met up with her in hopes that there was still purpose between us, but she just wanted me to talk. I have no idea what she wanted from me speaking instead of her. I guess at that point I gave up. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. At one point, I just wanted to leave because I couldn’t stand it, but she didn’t want me to leave (and to this day I can’t figure out what was going through her mind)... so I ended up sitting back down. Finally, she just stood up and walked away. At that point, I just took out my phone and called my sister because I couldn’t stand it. I needed help, needed to get away... I was definitely lost, and I didn’t know what to do anymore.

So yea, within those next month or so, I started going onto tumblr and created this particular tumblr page, and within another month I started obsessing over creating tumblr posts. Yes, I now believe that doing tumblr posts were actually compulsive impulses of mine that I did because I was lost in life, and I was doing them because I wanted to figure out my purpose. 

So yea, my compulsive behaviors changed over time, from watching youtube gaming videos, from viewing the newest anime, to playing video games as much as possible, and even watching and tweeting about the politics back in 2016... All of it was a combination of trying to figure myself out and figure out my purpose. Well, I suppose that’s really the problem. I’ve always figured my purpose has always been laid out for me, and that it’d eventually hit me and everything would be set in place... Nah not really, more like I wanted someone to choose my purpose for me because I was lost. Didn’t know what I wanted.

Well, I already have a career path in mind. I just have to make it my purpose. I’d rather not, because I really want to pay close attention to politics and don’t want anything from my career to mix badly with my morals... but... I realize that things aren’t perfect. They’ll never be perfect. But luckily I don’t have to hold onto this career path forever. I just have to hold onto this path until I’m ready to change my purpose. Indeed, I’m proposing that anyone who’s lost... just choose a purpose for themselves... and just roll with it. Don’t let anyone choose but yourself. I will never let anyone choose what I can or cannot do. I’ve had so much of that throughout my life... No wonder why I’ve felt so lost for so long.

Anyways, time for me to go. I might update if I make progress, or if there’s something imperatively important.. or if I’m obviously obsessing over something to the point that I feel compelled to post here... That’ll be the times that I’m here. Other than that, I’m out. Bye

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Why did the push against fossil fuels begin?

Well, I actually decided to blog again, even though I was ready to let it in the past for who knows how long... But the real reason is that I’m going to use blogging as, perhaps, part of the ritual before going to bed... at least for now... on and off.... like I used to

Anyways, a few nights ago I decided to read a book that I had gotten earlier in the summer... I won’t name the book, but let’s just say it relates to morality regarding the existence and usage of fossil fuels. And yea, the author is for fossil fuels. The reason I decided to get the book is because, even though I have been convinced so many times in the past of the existence of global warming, I never really know about why people are so convinced that fossil fuels are good, ignoring the argument that many of our inventions today rely on the existence of fossil fuels. So, that’s why I decided to get it.

And yes, I started reading it recently, but something caught my attention after the first 10 pages of reading. The author mentions that predictions for global warming have existed for decades, and back then those predictions suggested that by... now... we’d basically be struggling for survival due to climate change b/c of global warming. On the contrary, we aren’t, but rather we’re thriving. Not only that, but many other countries have substantially increased the usage of fossil fuels during this period. So for this reason, he basically dismisses the scaremongering of climate change caused by fossil fuels.

If I was any other person, I’d be like, yea you’re probably right... This sounds kinda like a conspiracy theory that just keeps coming back. Kinda like how the democrats rigged the primaries in favor of Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders. Kinda like how over 120,000 people were purged from the voter registry in Brooklyn just to keep Sanders from having a big win. Totally a big d4mn coincidence... Bs.

So obviously, what triggered me when the author was explaining his reasoning? It might be true that predictions were wrong. But why were the predictions wrong? Did they just not understand enough? Were the parameters for the conditions they were controlling in the predictions different from the actual conditions? Were they predicting a higher rate of fossil fuel usage than what actually occurred over the decades? Were we actually controlling the rate of global warming through different available technologies that prevented the climate change that was predicted? I don’t know, and frankly the author didn’t explain why the predictions were wrong. Therefore, I have no choice but to assume he was completely ignorant of why these scientists reached this conclusion... And perhaps he didn’t really care about how they messed up. That’s how I feel anyways, he just seems like someone who wants to prove a point...

On the contrary, I want to learn as much as I possibly can because I want to know what is actually going on. I don’t really want people telling me their side of the story... That’s the news literacy side of me talking though. It’s better to learn either in person or from a live feed from a credible source... After all, you need to be able to trust the stuff you’re observing and not be deceived. Seeing through the bias is so d4m difficult sometimes...

Did a quick look at a wikipedia page on the history of climate change... Apparently in 1979, the evidence that existed at the time suggested that it seemed possible that an increase of CO2 in the atmosphere could gradually increase global temperatures, perhaps becoming even showing effects by the year 2050... That’s more or less what is said. What is the evidence?

There are some pieces of evidence given on the page...

John Sawyer, in 1972, predicted that a 25% increase in CO2 in the atmosphere would lead to an increase in the global temperature of 0.6 degrees celsius by the year 2000... which turned out to be an accurate prediction.

John Holdren, around the same time, had thought that global warming wasn’t an immediate concern... However, the simple models were predicting future temperature changes on a more global scale... Apparently the predictions up to this point are proven according to one source, but I don’t have time to read or understand it... Anyways, apparently “fine-tuning” these models basically suggests that the effects of global warming will be more imminent once the year 2100 passes by. That’s definitely before the end of my lifetime...

Some Manabe and Wetherald duo also created their own model. When they doubled the amount of CO2 in the model, the temperature rose by about 2 degree celsius. 

Finally, Nicholas Shackleton and his colleagues concluded that ice ages are actually determined by a Milankovitch orbital change... Long explanation short, the ice changes are caused by slight changes in the revolution of the Earth around the sun... the 3 changes being how elliptical it is, how much its axis tilts over time, and how much earth’s orbit wobbles off from its fixed position... It’s easier to read it up yourself... but the point is that small changes in conditions can affect climate change...

So yea, due to all of this, the march against CO2, and fossil fuels, began. But let’s get back to the whole reason why I started this blog... Were climate change predictions accurate? Yea. Are we living in a dystopian world probably popularized by the main stream news at the time? Of course not. I’m starting to think and assume that the author of the book was thinking about the dystopian predictions, and not the actual predictions that were created by actual models. I believe that he mentioned James Hansen as being as the strongest advocate of climate change... and probably his biggest opponent for this debate.

Meh. Kinda sucks that this person didn’t even try to do some research on the subject. Oh well. I think I’ll do some research on James Hansen at some point. Gotta know how well this person did on researching and modeling in regards to climate change... And we’ll see if there’s any dystopian predictions to giggle about.

Just one more thing; this tiny bit of reading/research really has not changed my opinion about climate change. Rather, it has strengthened my belief that yes, climate can change... and I didn’t even realize that a Milankovitch orbital change could even happen, or has happened... or rather is a process that is constantly occurring over very long periods of time... I’m a very logical person so I can easily imagine how climate can change due to earth’s positioning from the sun can cyclically change now that I’m aware of these variational cycles....

Alright, well I need to go to bed. Got relatives to visit tomorrow, so I’ll be busy. Fun times. Mkay bye.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

I’m back, and how I’ve been

Oh, I’ve never posted in forever, and so I’ll NEVER be here again....

HA! I’m BACK!

Jk, I’ve just decided to push my social media activity into high gear on different platforms, and that includes this one. I just feel a need to start thinking about things again. I’ve been going along with the flow for too long, and it bothers me a little. So yea, here I am.

So, what am I here for now? Idk. Just saying hi for now. I only blog if I feel like it, and it’s obvious I haven’t felt like it in a long time. I’ve been busy working and gaming. I’ve had plenty of free time this summer in the northern hemisphere... and I mention the northern hemisphere simply because it’s an obvious conclusion that is reached.

Well, maybe I blog about something later this week, maybe I don’t. Not sure. There’s something on my mind related to a video that I watched earlier today. I feel like I want to blog about it, but the problem is that it would take some time from me to type everything out, including the issues, how I feel and think about it....

I think the reason why I felt like I had the time to do it in the past is because I would be doing the blogs at night, with my laptop on my bed. It was a way for me to pass the time and keep my mind active at the same time. It’s better than to just watch a video and give in the stimulating sights and sounds... I feel like I’ve let this go on for too long, so that’s why I feel it’s time to change.

So yea, maybe even tonight. No guarantees though. I want a break from video games though. Time passes by far too quickly, and it feels like I’m not benefiting at all. Yea, I play with other people and socialize, but I want to gain more practical skills. I need to do that to get a better job. I’m not gaining that with video games. There’s so many games I want to try and explore, but I don’t have the time for that now. There’s always time later though... So enough of that for now.

Well, I’ll blog later. Until then, peace!

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

What makes a video game intimidating? Why is it important?

So obviously I haven’t posted here... in quite some time. Well, that’s okay. There won’t be any talk about justice. However, I was thinking I’m not really into video games as much lately.... But I also realized today that I fear socializing with people because I want to avoid trouble.... So it’s basically a fear of mine. Therefore, I came up with this grand idea to research online for the most intimidating video games so that I can practice mentally preparing myself for such situations....

However, I immediately ran into problems IMMEDIATELY. The first results that show up on a typical google search is, indeed, one link to a potential answer (a review of their top intimidating video games). However, most of these games are multiplayer games, and they don’t seem that intimidating to me. Any other links on the first few pages of the search just referred to top intimidating bosses, creatures, monsters.... you get the idea. There’s so many intimidating enemies in video games that the video game industry should realize that fighting enemies do not intimidate its audience anymore.

Let’s just review: what is intimidation? “The act of intimidating someone, or being intimidated by someone”.... Way to go Google Home... Okay, intimidate... “Frighten or overawe (impressing so much that they become silent or inhibited) someone, especially in order to make them do what one wants”... Alright that’s a pretty good definition. The idea of being intimidated is that one will not act against the will of the “intimidator”. In video games, especially for me, it’s pretty hard for me to feel intimidated when we feel like we are in control, or will not get into trouble. Yes, I would say there’s a correlation between wanting to stay out of trouble and giving in to the will of the “intimidator”.

So, typically a good video game with an “intimidating” genre would be one in which players are strongly encouraged to stay away from completing the game objectives so that they stay away from trouble. So, in order to figure out what good intimidating video games are, we need to define the qualities of them are.

The first value that I can immediately think of is feeling underpowered. By underpowered, I mean VERY underpowered. Powerless. Everyone is more powerful than you, and your stats seem so low. A good example of a game series with overpowered enemies is Dark Souls. I’m assuming we’ve all heard about this series by this point. I only played the first game a little bit, so I’ll explain what I can. The enemies are strong, and can usually kill you within 1-3 hits. Even if you kill off some enemies, they immediately respawn with full health every time you rest at one of a select number of bonfires, which is a healing point and a save point. So unless you become a really skilled player, traversing through this game would be difficult. It just saves the time and trouble if you just don’t play this game. It’s too tough.

Another value that can prove to be essential to feeling intimidated is having limited saves. In other words, limiting the player’s power to save. Don’t misunderstand me - I understand the absolute importance of saving, especially if the game suddenly crashes and you want to load where you left off. However, having only one save file that autosaves after key points in the game could make players fear if they make a wrong decision. Forcing the player to make a decision between 2-3 choices, and forcing an autosave on the game file right after the decision is made... Maybe even add a quick timer to that... They might be helpless to choose, which might lead them the game to choose for them - no choices chosen and the player reaches game over from guilt. The game hopefully would have a little replay of that scene so that players will have another chance, but idk what the best way to use this mechanic would be.

I’m not sure about any more values, but I think that the best sort of intimidating game is one in which the game constantly reminds you and warns you that either (a) it’s too dangerous to continue to complete a game objective OR (b) trying to complete a game objective will you leave you worse off

Imagine this - you’re a hero who completes quest objectives, and now you got to defeat a big boss. As you journey there, the npcs keep talking about this boss about how he’s invincible, lived forever, no weaknesses. And indeed, the game decides to give you a first encounter with the boss. However, you’re easily defeated with one blow by the boss, and the he decides to let you live, because the hero is an insect whom he can squash easily. Try to challenge him, and he’ll definitely release his army on you and destroy you in an instant. It might even be so difficult that it’s just easier to give up and hope that someone else can save the day instead. 

I’ve decided that I’m done thinking about this subject for now, but I think I’ve made my point. We need more intimidating video games. I get that it doesn’t sound rewarding, but remember when I said I like to avoid trouble? I think the biggest problem with video games is that, as they tend to be targeted towards a more general audience, they tend to be easier. I understand the need for that in terms of marketing a game, but unfortunately it feels like they promote wreckless behavior. Because players just want to play straight through the game. They don’t want to feel restricted.

I don’t want to feel restricted either... but I don’t think players should just be “free”. Kinda like real life. There’s so much intimidation in real life to not cause any sort of problems just so that you stay out of trouble. Yea, if you put a lot of effort out there, you could get that freedom that you wanted and do what you want. I want that same idea applied to video games. Not just in terms of “in-game-currency”... I’m talking about unlockable content after progressing through the game.

For mods in games like skyrim, it’s just as simple as download, find it in game, and boom you’re set. That’s kinda why I hate it. It isn’t rewarding, it isn’t normal to easily obtain something, and you would expect obstacles that make it REALLY difficult to get the item... like being unable to get an item even when you’re exploiting in-game mechanics (e.g. cliff climb-jumping up to the exit so you can immediately reach the treasure room). Yea, it’s good that I got it, but it definitely doesn’t feel fulfilling.

I wouldn’t say I want changes for all mods, but for some mods with big rewards or awesome equipment, try intimidating us. Use whatever methods you can. Maybe even try to frustrate us (because mods can overpower us, it’s hard to kill us). It should be natural for there to be barriers that prevent us from getting what we want. We’ve probably heard about the pyramids of Egypt and how there were several treasure rooms, and so many traps within. One mistake and one would be dead. I’d rather never go into a pyramid with active traps because it sounds way too dangerous.

So that’s the idea. We the players need to feel the risk of being endangered in order to be intimidated. I would say a game like Undertale has the potential, especially when there’s actually a time that it boots you out of the game, and then when it starts up to the main menu... It’s different... I’d definitely feel fear in moments like that. I just don’t want to spoil the game.

Anyways, I’m done with that. If you feel like that there’s a real intimidating game out there, just reply the name of the game to this post so that others can find it and get it so that they have a chance to feel intimidation. 

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Defining some of my Right/Wrong terms for Future Reference

I didn’t think I’d have to post on here for a long time. Unfortunately, I’ve decided that I’m going to be more active on here. The reason is simple: there are a lot of issues of right/wrong that I want to address in the near future. In order to do that, I first have to define a few different terms that I’ll be using regarding the issue of right and wrong. I have to define them because the way I use these terms might be a bit different from the way everyone else has learned about them. The three terms are moral right/wrong, ethical right/wrong, and lawful right/wrong.

Lawful right and wrong is what our government or leaders have defined as right or wrong. This is written on paper by signing some documents, and then they become law. Hence the reason why it’s called “lawful” right/wrong. A good example is in Hammurabi’s Code. The phrase I remember most from it is “an eye for an eye”. It means if someone’s eye gets stabbed because of you, then you get your eye stabbed too. It doesn’t mean that it is actually good or bad. What if it was an accident? Do you really deserve to lose your eye when you didn’t have the intent to hurt somebody?

Now, we bring attention to the ethical right/wrong. This is referring to the right/wrong that is taught to us by either our culture or historical precedent. As a student taking an economics class, a fine example of this is Adam Smith economics teaching that if the boss of the workplace and the business are doing well, or making a good profit, then the workers should be happy since it should reflect well on their own wages. The key word is should though, because even though their bosses are better off, it does not mean that working harder or for longer hours for more profit will give them an equivalent amount of wages in return. This is called exploitation. Money that the workers should be earning are used by the business instead. It’s bad when the workers don’t have a say to what happens to that exploited money.

The final term is moral right/wrong. This is what we each personally believe is right/wrong. You might think that people should be paying for their own healthcare, but my moral vision is that people should have their health cared for as a right. Same thing with the living wage. You might think that wages are fine now, but I think that until the government can guarantee living rights for its people, my moral belief is that the living wage should cover living costs and the collection of some emergency expenses, which I believe should be a wage of $15/hr right now.

Anyways, those are my definitions, I’ll be discussing topics related to the right/wrong later on. Got to go to work now. Peace.

[cloudtgfreewritingblog]

Why Am I Not Really Active On Here..?

Well, I actually got a part-time job about two months ago, and I started college as a part-time student a few weeks ago, so I’ve been busy lately. If I feel comfortable, then I might open up a little more about my personal life.

Getting to my main point, I just really feel like typing everything is not the best way for me to communicate. Actually, every work/school day, I practice speaking in the car about moral issues and about what’s going on in my life. Because of my practice, I realize I’d rather talk about issues than type about them. Why? Because it’s faster to talk than it is to type. So I was thinking to myself... why don’t I just record myself talking and put it up here?

It’s simple. I don’t want people to recognize my voice. It’d help if I had a voice changer, but I’m too lazy to even get a voice-changing app. I wouldn’t even know how to upload the sound recording and post it on this account. Now, I wouldn’t mind having a Siri-like AI who could translate my voice into actual text. But I remember having a roommate who used SIRI all the time, and he’d always have to speak slowly and have a clear voice. It wouldn’t always work though. That’s darn annoying. Maybe if it’s an AI that learns your voice over time..? I think I’d prefer that. I’ll try looking into it.

If I can get something like that, it’d be easier for me to just post something that’s already been prepared several hours ago. That’s much more convenient than spending 30-40 minutes typing something up, and another 10-20 minutes proofreading my post. Like literally, I speak outloud what I type, and sometimes it doesn’t make any sense, so I sometimes have to retype a few words; maybe even a sentence or two at a time. Like I’m at the revising stage right now, and I probably changed my wording in every other sentence because my typing is out-of-touch with grammatical structure.

Well, I’m gonna go to sleep now. It’s almost midnight, and I have to be up in about 8 hours. So, good night and hopefully I’ll see you later!