Noah couldn’t help but feel a bit of relief flow through him when she told him that she understood. He had been truly worried that she would take his words and turn her anger on him. That his admission to lack of trust would some how leave her feeling unwanted and uncared for. Of course, that worry had not stopped him from saying what he felt. It never would. He would not sugar coat things for her simply because he didn’t want her angry. She deserved the truth, even if sometimes that was hard to hear. If anything, that’s what he could always be consistent in. As the world around them changed, the Forester found it more and more difficult to stay true to who he was and what he believed in. Simply avoiding the war was becoming more challenging as it seeped closer to his neck of the woods. However, there was one thing that he could always stand firm in, and that was the he believed the truth was more important than anything else in the world. The truth kept people safe. It lead to trust and care and empathy. The truth hurt and it broke people, but it also mended and healed. The truth was a balance the universe needed and he could never see himself tainting that beauty he believed in. He believed her when she said she didn’t want to hurt him again. He absolutely did. It did not change the fact that he was worried about it though. She most likely hadn’t been planning on hurting him when she had said yes to Henry. At least it wasn’t a concern of hers in the heat of the moment. That was the thing about Antonia. She lived her life a very different way than he lived his.
As frustrating as all the questions were, and as much as he hated to admit it, he did understand where her questions were coming from. Yes, they were irrational and he say no reason for them to play a part in the situation they had in front of them, but he saw their roots. That was the thing about irrational fears… They didn’t care if they were irrational or not. It was the first time however that Noah felt like he and Antonia were similar in some way. Neither of them had had perfect childhoods, and what had happened had clearly left them with scars that no person would be able to see. Yes, they had lived very different lives, and their struggles and challenges were vastly different. But it was the mistakes of their parents that left them with whispered worries floating through their heads. Elysa often bugged him about why he never married, and he hadn’t lied when he told her he saw no reason to. He hadn’t. However, if he was more truthful with himself, there was more to that picture. He was never going to leave the woods. It was where his job was, it was his livelihood, and at the end of the day it made him who he was. It was the same with his father. But his father had married. And while his mother had loved his father, loved his sister and him… it wasn’t enough. Her heart was too large to be satisfied with a tiny family in the woods. Her eyes were too wide to hold only the beauty of the forest. She had needed more, and it had ultimately lead to the family’s downfall. He worried that if he married, his wife would feel stuck, just like his mother had. And that was something he didn’t want to consider. Not because he would blame her. Because he had never blamed his mother. But he would blame himself, just as he blamed his father, for being the reason she was stuck there with him. And perhaps someday he would tell Antonia this. But for now, he just needed her safe. Feeling Antonia’s hand touch his, he spread his fingers, accepting her hand into his. “I am not looking for a promise.” Pulling her hand up to his lips, he pressed a small kiss to her knuckles. “I do not see the baby as a burden. A simple extension of you. And you could never be a burden.” His eyes looked down at her softly, and he took a small step towards her, placing a hand on her waist, or as much of her waist as was left with her swollen stomach. “You can wear something of mine tonight… I am afraid none of Elysa’s old things will fit you in your current condition. I will make an effort to go into town tomorrow and gather some of your things…. Perhaps if it does not seem to bad, you can accompany me. Akela would enjoy the walk.”
Despite how well Antonia thought she knew Noah, she also had to confess there were actually so much she did not know. He had mentioned his mother before, not in many details but she knew the basic story. She wondered how both of them would have turned out if their mothers had stayed around. Would Antonia had ended up a courtesan? Would her mother have taken her away from the city to some new and exciting land? She remembered her mother often mentioning the beauty of France, she was sure it was where her mother had fled to when she ran away from her responsibility. Her eyes were still resting on Noah’s face, she wondered what his fate would have been with his mother still by his side. He would still be here, she was sure of it, but maybe his mother would have spoken hammered some reason into him and convinced him to stay away from Antonia. She would never let her own child get drawn in by someone like herself, she knew the heartache she inflicted upon the people around her. The thoughts were streaming endlessly and wildly through her mind when he suddenly kissed her hand, drawing her out of her emotional journey of what if’s. A part of her was pleased she had foreseen his response. “I know you don’t need a promise - and I’m grateful.” She wanted to acknowledge that she was pleased he was not like the others, she did not have to constantly promise something she knew would never be true. No empty or false words had to be shared between them. “I hope one day I can give it to you, but I don’t want to lie to you, you are too important for that. If I give you a promise, I fully intend to uphold it.”
She chuckled at his view of the child. “I’m not sure any of us should wish for the baby to be an extension of me. If the baby is half the trouble I am, we will have our hands more than full.” It was meant as a joke to further lighten the mood, she wanted to push past frustrations they both had experienced. When Noah told her she could not fit into the Elysa’s old things, she got a bit offended, but she did not shy away from his grasp. “I haven’t gotten that fat yet.” She pouted slightly when she said this, it was what she hated most about pregnancy. Well, she had hated being sick the most, but that part was mostly over. She sometimes felt nauseous but it usually passed without incident. She rested her hand on top of Noah’s hand around her waist before she moved it to rest on her rather notable bump instead. She was not interested in snapping at him after their argument, and despite now wanting to admit to it, she knew Noah’s observation had not been wrong. “Alright, maybe I have gotten a bit fat, but I swear it is all baby. I sometimes feel the little love move, but I am not sure anyone else can. It is a strange feeling to have something living inside of you.” Her displeasure of having gotten bigger was easy to detect in her tone of voice, but when she spoke of the baby moving, the tone was soft and warm.
It was silly, she knew women got big during pregnancy, they were carrying a little human inside them for goodness sake, but she missed feeling confident in her own body. It was the first time she felt insecure about her appearance. The dress she had been wearing had been the one which had fitted her best in her condition, it had still hugged her curves without pulling too much attention to her swollen stomach. Now it was ruined. Antonia could only fit her loose dresses, she did not own many of those and she had just lost one. She did not wear a corset anymore, some of her dresses looked horrible without it. “I need new clothes. If we are going into town, I need to talk to a seamstress. It shouldn’t take long to place an order or if we are lucky, there are some dresses done in my size. We can quickly return to the forest after that.” She did not mind sleeping in some of Noah’s clothes, she found the idea kind of soothing actually, but she longed for dresses which actually fit her. She looked up at Noah with her big eyes, silently begging him not to be difficult about the fact she wanted to see a seamstress. “I am coming with anyway, you are not leaving me alone here. What if the men find me here and you and Akela are gone?” Antonia was definitely going, no matter what Noah seemed to think about it.
