BIG AL

digital footprint my ass, listen up

[comeondudepunchme]

The rings of hell only looked like that bc Dante never did the Grouse Grind

[comeondudepunchme]

This July 6th come with me to celebrate the Round of 16’s independence from the US Men’s team

[comeondudepunchme]

Lance Armstrong: dude haha it kinda smells like Diz in here

[comeondudepunchme]

To all the aliens scanning our errant radio waves: I’m sorry but you met us at a very Mr beast point of human existence

[comeondudepunchme]

As far as I can tell, most swear words in a variety of languages tend to be some form of body part, secretion or surrounding the act of sex.

There’s a beauty to that, I think. That we invoke images of ourselves when we’re in the offensive. We can’t possibly think of anything worse than what we try to hide.

There are more repulsive things out there that we could conjure but at this point they don’t hit like a body part would.

“You’re being a real decaying horse right now.” - icy for sure, but surreal. Feels like I’m getting hexed.

“You’re a phallus” - devastating. I fold immediately. How can I be a body part, dude noooo I’m finished and will never recover

[comeondudepunchme]

sitting down next to an occupied stall in the metrotown bathroom and starting my confessional

[comeondudepunchme]

Antidepressants has saved me from the worst of it, sure, but I've novocained the deeper parts of my brain to top up my step with some good ol' pep.

I used to dream up fantastical scenarios when listening to music and lead myself to crying. I used to tap into completely unjustified rage in order to get another rep in. I used to yearn, ardently, in beautiful self-immolation and have it pour out into art.

Sometimes I blink away from the giggly haze of feeling fine and remember that at some point I've not done any of those things lately. The spikes are gone, but I've gone and rounded out the whole mountain.

I feel fine. But I feel median. Sort of beige. Apple pie, howdy-doo, great weather we're havin today! Doin fine, catch the game?

Outwardly I think I average out into some shape of wellness, but inside I know the gears have changed. It's like I put on veneers for my whole body.

It's so much better than the alternative, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I wonder if feeling better and feeling myself have become mutually exclusive for the time being.

Funny how antidepressant feels like a double-negative. Maybe we should just call it a pressant.

I'm on pressants. I've hydraulic pressant myself into flatness.

[comeondudepunchme]

Me when provided with a possibility of challenging myself: BULLY! Adversity forges strong men. I welcome the possible conquest and thirst for the crucible. Stand aside lest the hardening of my vitality awe you too inspiringly

Me during challenge: owie this sucks

[comeondudepunchme]

Throughout her life, my fiancée split teeny parts of herself and entrusted them to her friends, so that they may always know how much she holds them dear.

And I joyously go about behind her finding the little bits within them, making it almost a guarantee that I love them as well.

[comeondudepunchme]

I’m growing out my hair and now I have a fringe that’s constantly blocking the upper side of my vision if I don’t hold it in place.

It bobs around as I walk, like a Heads Up Display.

I now have a HUD. And my HUD informs me constantly that I have hair.

[comeondudepunchme]

I live

I cringe

I live again

[comeondudepunchme]

If you think about it, the Buddhist concept of reincarnation was humanity’s first theorization of the afterlife with roguelike elements

[comeondudepunchme]

To unga, perchance to bunga.

[comeondudepunchme]

She thinks on my therefore until I am

[comeondudepunchme]

Physics smashed itself together until it accidentally made a shoddy engine programmed to search eternally for self-renewal before it fizzles out. Optimization led to the development of ways to locate its own existence in the environment, polished into a crude sense of self. It stumbles through trillions of cause-and-effect, risk-and-reward, blackbox trials as its recursive replicas hurry to adapt. Eons shape its senses into a limited form of consciousness. Its perception and retention sharpen into something it called learning. It learned to ponder. It learned to question. It learned to yearn for answers. It manipulates matter outside of what it calls the self in a process it invented, named fabrication. It fabricated artifacts that aided in its yearning. At some point it made board games, which is at this point an unfathomably complex notion. So yeah I should buy another one, it’s morally corrupt to nature’s meaning not to.

[comeondudepunchme]

Was IHOP called HOP before franchising to outside the US

[comeondudepunchme]

As I’ve aged, I’ve:

- doubled in size

- started groaning loudly as I move

- found an appreciation for nuts and in-season, fresh produce

- become obsessed with stuff with which to scratch my back

- started napping haphazardly about my abode

- bought kilos of honey

I’ve grown into becoming a bear