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HOW TO COMMAND RESPECT? Yeah, shit happens, do childen control you when you babysit them? I have the best solution ever, true story

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how to succeed your striptease ? First I go on youtube to learn how to make latex special effects SNAPS : half cock half pinaple boobs ! elfe bobs ! sow boobs ! laurel and hardy boobs ! the “banana in the pant” trick always works, but if you like tickles, just put a rat instead !

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HOW TO SLEEP WELL WITH SOMEONE ? Damn he’s snoring so loud Just put broccoli in his nose ! and mouth ! and ! hahaha The sound won’t go but at least it’s funnier 

And, if you’re insomniac and paint-lover, it’s time to become artist !! “actually, it’s landscapist”

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How to joke with your anorexus/veganos friend ? First, you need glue Friend : “heeee starving” you “hey I’ve got a banana !”

friend : “whaaaat... Roasted Turkey with baked beans ! “ Marwarmamahmgarrhrhu LET’S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE

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HOW TO MINIMISE YOUR FARTS WHEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR LOVER (or worst during your one night stand) Do you always cook beans for a date? Don't worry guys I have a golden solution ! -You can easily find pokeballs in kids shops, just farrrrrt in it ! -Put it under the other's pillow, sensational ! - warning : don't exagerate.

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HOW TO MAKE RUBBER GUYS GO AWAY Yeh we all know this night club where you dance happily with your girls and then BEM ! GUYS RUBS AGAINST YOU EVERYWHERE ALL NIGHT LONG! HARH DAMN GUYS well, I have the best solution ever : A PAPERSAND DRESS! (exists in pant or short version for the ones that prefer pants or shorts)

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I don’t understand why french people like to double kiss strangers cheeks to say hello.. Or even their best friends, it’s a cold way, (or too intimous when it deals with strangers).

In USA, everybody shake new people’s hands and hug friends : the most logical way to say hello, in my opinion.  Whereas in Germany, I remember all exchange students kissing each other ON THE MOUTH, true story, it was kind of shocking at 12 years-old haha. Do you know this awful moment when you arrive at a party and have to kiss 23 strangers trying to remember their names to but to preoccupied of avoiding their breath ?  ... We don’t even make the effort of imitating a kiss sound when we say hello, this makes no sense.. Ok ok i’m losing it, but I found some ways to avoid that !! -fart -(kiss the inside of the ear : it’s  ultra disturbing lol) -the hand-shirt 

- Or pretend to be indesign fashion school and assume But, heck, hard to not be lame...

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WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO SHOUT BUT DON’T WANT TO DISTURB ANYONE ? Take your car, and drive trough the highway And just shout AAAAAAAAAAAAA (can’t dance) (yeh coz you can sing too) IT WORKS SO MUCH! But please,try to prevent the carpoolers

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CHILDREN TUTORIAL How to not get bored in math class ? The pencil case ! mister cissors “oh hello missiz compasses” “oh you look so pretty mister babble babble “

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HOW TO READ MY BOOK ? 1) Find your optimal position for a good reading 2) Laugh heartily !

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HOW TO RUN AWAY FROM A IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION The girl : “So yeh so the bitch tells mey “well no !” whaaat whodchithinks sheeis ? I worked like hell for her during three fockindays for what ? whatever thanks humanity i’mnowallaloneinthisjunglewhattodowherestheanswer babble babble”