The Girl That Decided To Become Memorable

Just a regular 24 year old girl trying to figure herself out :) If you relate, feel free to reblog! Have any questions? DM!

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Update

I'm close to the end of the second day.

How do I feel?

I feel good and bad at the same time.

Why?

Great question.

I drank only water in the past two days (coffee in the morning doesn't count). That means no Coke at all!

Whoever knows me, knows I don't drink one sip of water, ever. The fact that I drank 5 liters in less than 48 hours, shocks me.

The rest of my list didn't progress.

I do feel better in general though, writing helps a lot.

Everytime I feel like my life is a mess, I know it's time to write.

My problem is that everytime it gets a little better, I forget to continue writing.

I wish I shared my thoughts even when everything is going well, so when I feel like everything is falling apart, I can re-read and be proud of what I achieved.

One thing I'll always need to remember: It's never too late to start fixing yourself.

We'll get there, I promise.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Cigarettes Part II

The first thing I want to say is 'lol'.

Remember my post about a year ago? A big lol.

I went back to smoking, more than I used to.

I'm not proud, at all. In fact, I'm even disgusted. I now realized how weak I am in making decisions.

I'm really good at stopping, I just suck at keeping it going.

When I feel like I progressed in something, I give up. I know it shouldn't be that way. I'm just so proud of myself and I forget what was the reason, that I feel like I deserve to treat myself, what a big mistake.

How do you become that person? That person that can follow through with their decisions, that person that can control herself, that person that knows what's good and what's not. Can somebody change their mindset like that?

Cigarettes aren't good for you, but that's not enough to help me stop.

Where do I start???

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

It's been almost 2 years since I started posting again and my wantings are still the same.

I'm actually starting to move my ass, and this time I will update my journey.

Mark my words.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

New Me

Lately I've been having a lot of thoughts.

Today, at nearly 2 AM, I decided I'm changing.

I'm becoming a better version of myself.

Here's my list:

Becoming a better listener

Drinking only water

Saving money

Keeping my house organized 24/7

Stop smoking weed

Showing at work what I'm capable of

Knowing what I want in life

Caring

I can keep going, but let's be realistic.

Once I see these things on the list become a habit, I'll add more.

I'll have an update tomorrow night.

Wish me luck.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Reset Button

I'm now 24, a few days ago I woke up and realized I'm an adult.

How can that even be?

The other day I was 16, moved 9000 kms away from my parents and started a new life.

I remember thinking I was capable of being independent, thinking I can get out of any situation, thinking I can achieve anything, being so sure of myself that nothing can take me down.

Now, I'm having second thoughts.

I really shouldn't. On the long run, I experienced incredible things and met incredible people, but I'm starting to regret being on my own.

I'm in debt, and I hate myself for it. I shouldn't be in debt, my parents always helped me out whenever I needed.

Why then? because I'm never happy. I always need more, never looking at the cup being half full, always wanting it filled up a bit more.

I'm starting to think maybe if I still lived with my parents, maybe it wouldn't be that way. I wouldn't need to pay rent, buy groceries, pay my bills etc. A lot of my expenses are because of that, maybe I wouldn't be in debt if I hadn't made that decision of moving away?

Realizing I'm an adult is making me question my existence. Am I alive to work so I can pay my bills? What is the point in life?

I'm not suicidal, don't get me wrong. I'm just trying to find answers, to know how to enjoy life. Is it even possible? Or do we just live from paycheck to paycheck?

My loved ones helped me figure out a way to get out of debt, don't worry about that part. Now help me figure out the rest.

Today is the day I change who I am, today is the day I become who I want to be, but who/what do I want to be?

If only my mother can rebirth me.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Sunday

You know the feeling when you wake up in the morning because your alarm went off and you decide to go back to sleep, and when you wake up again it’s 8:24, you tell yourself you’ll get up at 8:30 just for it to be rounded up? Well that’s me. But not in that way only. 

If I decide I want to start going to the gym, it needs to be a Sunday or the first day of the month. 

I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I should go and was about to back out because it wasn’t the perfect date to start, but guess what? We’re fucking Sunday, so I went because I ran out of excuses.

It’s not even 12PM and I already feel like I’ve been productive today. Not only that, but I’m writing this while making an important phone call. For the people that read my other posts know that I’ve been having trouble doing that, the easiest task there is. 

Today is a Sunday, and for me to be consistent, I just need a bit of discipline, I hope to keep you updated with my progress.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Short Fuse

I get mad easily. I get mad when it’s hot, when I don’t get an answer right away, when I don’t get the answer I want, when my boyfriend goes to sleep without me, when I don’t get attention, basically everything gets me mad.

Whenever I’m mad I usually don’t scream or make a big deal in front of everyone but I hold it inside, and it eats me up. I overthink it and I won’t calm down until I go to sleep or get my anger out.

I know people who get mad and 20 minutes later it’s like it never happened. Personally when I get mad, it ruins my whole day or the majority of it. Sometimes I stay mad even when I don’t want to just for the person that pissed me off to understand that they triggered me and they’ll know what pisses me off next time. 

Right now I’m not mad, I’m mostly annoyed. Annoyed at myself for not going to sleep at a reasonable time and constantly fucking up my sleep schedule. Annoyed at the fact that I got so off track that I can’t even finish up one assignment for school and right now I’m also annoyed that I can’t get the fuck up and start caring for myself. 

I have so many goals to accomplish. I wouldn’t call them new years resolution because they’re things I want to get done before summer. I know it’s possible, it takes between 21 days to 2 months to form a habit, that’s the hard part, after that it shouldn’t be that difficult to keep up. 

I know taking care of myself also means chilling out mentally, not get so stuck up on what people say or do, and I shouldn’t be getting mad at everything for my own mental health. 

This is just the start of my journey. I believe in myself.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Cigarettes

I stopped smoking cigarettes almost 7 months ago, September 2nd 2021. I never thought that day would come (or at least until I got pregnant, which I didn’t yet). 

People would always tell me, “smoking is bad for you”, “a girl smoking is disgusting”, “you should stop”, and I would say, “you’re totally right, I should stop, I wish”. But I wouldn’t listen or do anything about it. 

I stopped thanks to my mom, she stopped me from my addiction. She was the one that wanted updates, that did everything for me to stop.

I do smoke from my friends once in a while, but not even 0.1% close to how much and how often I used to smoke. 

The problem is, I read researches saying after an hour you’ll feel like this, and after five hours like that, and it explains to you even after 15 years what stopping does to your body in a good way. But I’ve never felt any of that. 

I don’t feel better walking up the stairs, I’m still dying after walking up one flight of stairs, and then I think to myself, I don’t see nor feel a difference from when I used to smoke and when I don’t, and it’s making me question everything I’ve gone through. 

I’m scared to relapse for good. 

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

I’m Insecure...

I’m insecure. Insecure about my weight, my arms, my thighs, my legs, my stomach, my nose, my boobs, my chin, my bum, my nails, my feet, my back. 

I’m insecure. Insecure about my personality, my attitude, my way of living, my success, my grades, my future, my goals, my plans, my future family.

I’m insecure. Insecure about my boyfriend leaving me, my family giving up on me, my friends forgetting me.

I’m insecure. Insecure about everything. 

But if you see me or talk to me, you won’t feel or see it.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Without realizing it, if your bank account is a mess, so is your life. Am I wrong?

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

You know that feeling when you’re able to give life advice to your friends and family but you wished you knew how to give yourself the same advice and follow through? Well that’s me, nice to meet y’all 

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Pushing Back my Urges

Do you know the feeling when you want something? For example, something sweet, a cigarette, sleeping, etc. 

Do you know the feeling when you want something but shouldn’t have it right now? Like wanting something sweet when you’re on a diet, wanting a cigarette when you’re in a meeting or in a test or wanting to sleep when you have a bunch of shit to do. 

Wanting something doesn’t always mean you’re meant to have it at the same time you want it. That’s when pushing back your urges come in. 

Personally I don’t push back my urges, which is bad. See, if I’m hungry in the middle of the night, I’m not going to hold myself back, actually I’ll go make myself something to eat, even though I know it’s bad for my health and my weight, but I’ll do it anyways. Same for everything I want, and usually what I want is bad for my health. If it’s a glass of Coke, a cigarette, something in a store etc. 

Today’s the day I’ll slowly start depriving myself from things I don’t deserve. I haven’t worked out in like a year so why the fuck should I treat myself? Because I folded my fucking laundry? No way, these are things I should be doing, that’s not something I should be proud of. Let’s say I spend days and really spend days studying and get 100% on my final exam, after long days of studying, that’s when I’m allowed to treat myself, with a drink maybe, or a chocolate or a candy bar, but not because I folded my laundry or washed the dishes. 

I’m going to start treating myself like a dog. The same way you treat them when they listen to you? I’m going to be treating myself after i achieve a big goal of mine, not an everyday thing. And it’s not about snacks, it can be buying myself a nice dress or nice shoes, or a massage or a day at the beach or anything I might enjoy. 

Your urges may be one of your biggest enemies, unless your urges are essential to your well being, which even in that case can be bad. 

So now, when I’ll want something out of the blue, I’ll think 3 times before having it, and trust me when I say this, I hope I don’t give in. 

I’m done hating myself for the poor choices I make that bring me temporary happiness.

[confessionsofamessyhuman]

Intro

I’m a regular girl, living a regular life. A student, in a relationship over two years, renting an apartment, going out with friends and restaurants once in a while, not missing anything, etc. Then why am I here sharing this? It’s simple, I’m not happy.

I quit my job 3 months ago, then went to visit my family and lived with them for 3 months and recently got back to living my life. I came back and I don’t know how to restart my life (if that makes sense). For example: I haven’t made a serious phone call in forever just because I forgot how to talk professionally. 

When I was back at my parents house, I just became a lazy person. Even shopping I started doing online even though i enjoyed getting everything right away and seeing things for myself in stores. 

I’m not a patient person, I don’t like waiting because while I wait i can’t stop thinking about what I’m waiting for. 

Back home, I started smoking weed again, eating all day, staying at home, not replying to my friends and became the person I do not want to be but it’s not too late to change that, that’s why I’m sharing. I want to become the person I always wanted to be: Successful, in shape, healthy, caring about things I should be concerned and becoming a better partner, better daughter, sister and friend. But all these things come with time, and like I said, I hate waiting. 

Do you know the feeling at 2AM when you tell yourself: “Tomorrow, I’m waking up and going straight to the gym.” Then morning comes and you’re like fuck that, what was I thinking? That’s where I’m trying to change.

Who knows, maybe this blog is a stupid idea and tomorrow I’ll change my mind. So in other words maybe I’ll keep you updated and maybe not.