a dropped croissant

[croissantwrites]

"Your book shelf is a mess, Theo." Her voice was soft as she leaned her frame agains the doors. Her arms were crossed against her chest. Her voice alone was enough to pull my mind away from work, fingers moving away from the keyboard, eyes on her. "My bookshelf?" I pondered, taking a glance at it. "Oh." I chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of my head, fingers fumbling through my hair. "Ah...." I looked at the bookshelf again, wrinkling my nose I gestured towards the messy shelves and disheveled papers. "The librarian's been on vacation, I reckon." I smirked, turning my attention back to her. This was a joke, of course. Actually, it was a run on joke we had since I was sixteen. Helen was always amused by the number of books I had in my collection, she always joked about how it was more of a library than a collection. She huffed out a gentle laugh, pushing herself off of the frame and she took a few steps into the room. "I think you might need a new librarian. The one you have now seems to be quite the wreck." "Oh, but!" I jumped in, moving myself from behind the desk and wrapping my arms around Helen. "They've been employed for thirty odd years now-" "And they've never organized those books once, have they?" She interrupted and my lip curled into a smile again. "Hey, maybe like.... once, or twice. They were organized when I packed them into boxes to move out from home, and the dorm, and the apartment, and now... here." She hummed softly, her body pressing into mine as if she was collecting all of me in just one touch. "I'm pretty sure that you just dumped those boxes out onto the shelves and wherever they landed, they stayed." She teased and I couldn't help but smile brighter, kissing her cheek softly before kissing her lips.

[croissantwrites]

"Hey babe, I just got home from my overnight sh*t. I hope the kindergartners aren't being too big of a**holes. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you when you get home. I'm tired, but I might see if Tia wants to go out and celebrate her 5 months of being sober. I can't wait to see you later. I love you, babe. As my phone made the ever familiar "whooo" sound, I slammed my keys into the keyhole on the door, twisting and twisting until I heard the double click and kicked the door open. The fact that the door was locked was a good sign, it meant that Tia was at work and I could set up all of the supplies I had bought. I grinned as I threw the bags inside and watched as a few balloons flew up to the ceiling. "She's going to be so excited. I can't believe it's been five months already." I sighed as I set down my bag from work. As I glanced around the apartment, I noticed that something wasn't right. Not right at all. "T? Are you here? Tia?" My voice echoed loudly through the apartment as I walked towards her bedroom. "TIa?" The only response that I received was my own loud holler echoing back to me. Just as I went to open her bedroom door, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. "Damn it." I grumbled as I let out a mild yawn and accepted the call. "Oh come on, Finnick, Your job isn't that bad." Elliot Bravers chuckled over the phone. "Oh shut it, Bravers. What the hell do you need?" I asked as I pushed open Tias door, it had been left open a crack, which was odd, usually she either kept it open or fully closed. Nothing in between. Her stuff was gone. Every single little thing. gone. "What the fu-" "We got a call that I need you to check out on 24 East Chestnut Ave. I sent Emily and Sam but I'm worried that they won't get there fast enough, and I know it's basically right around the corner from your house. We got a call about a noise complaint from one of the neighbors. And then another one called and said there was a gun pulled-" "Tia!" I dropped my phone, my heart automatically flung into my throat. I felt like I was going to be sick. I need to go. I need to go now. "FUCK." Within a blink of an eye I had gone from the living room in my apartment, to slamming my body against the door of Mikes run down sh*t show of a house. I could hear someone crying on the other side of the door. "God fucking damn it, Mike. Open the god damn door!" One of the hinges broke and the door swung open. "TIA? MIKE?" My voice carried through the wreck of a house - things were broken everywhere, furniture knocked over. Suddenly there was a scream from upstairs. I quickly drew out my gun, pulling it out in front of me and pointing it forwards as I run up the stairs. As I got to the top I saw Mike and Tia, Tia cowering in the corner as Mike held a gun up, pointing it at her. His eyes were bloodshot. He was on some sort of drugs, but who knew what it was with him. "Jesus f***ing christ, Tia. You called your brother? You're so fucking stupid." Suddenly Mike turned and pointed the gun at me. I gasped, but didn't show it. I was scared as fuck, but didn't show that either. My eyes stayed on Mike, as much as I wanted to run over and protect TIa, I knew that that would only hurt the situation. "Put the gun down, Mike. Now." Mike laughed a cruel and demented laugh. "I don't fucking think so, Finn. Your stupid sister here brought this upon herself. Do you know how much she fucking owes me? She's been buying sh*t from me for months and hasn't paid a single cent back to me." I cringed, taking in a deep breath. "Mike. Put the gun down and get away from Tia. I will pay you back, anything and everything that she owes you." I swallowed hard, I glanced over at Tia who was now covering her face, sobbing, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Finn. I'm so sorry." "Shut the hell up, Tia." Mikes gun was now pointed over at her. "HEY! Leave her the fuck alone, Mike!" Suddenly it was pointed back at me, I knew that there wasn't going to be any more words with him, there was only one thing that would end this. My mind and body went numb, I knew what I was doing but Suddenly I wasn't there anymore and all I heard was the sound of someone screaming "NO!", a gun going off and then dropping to the floor, and footsteps hard on the ground. It was me. I had shot the gun. The hard footsteps weren't mine, and they weren't Tias. Mike got away. As my mind focused on what was happening, I saw the trail of blood. I was confused. I shot Mike how could he- The blood wasn't his. My eyes went wide, my body felt weak. "No. No. No. Tia. No." I  rushed over to her, my body collapsing next to hers. I shot her. I shot Tia. Her breathing was low, she was gasping as tears run down her face... or maybe they were mine dripping onto her. "Finn." She gasped loudly. "Finn. I'm so sorry. I couldn't let him shoot you." She gasped again, I held her closer, tighter. "I shouldn't have gotten in the way, I-" "Tia stop it, stop." I didn't know what to say, I could barely speak. I kissed the top of her head, holding her close. "I'm so sorry, T. I'm sorry." "I love you, Finny." "I love you T. Just stay calm you're going to be okay, It's going to be okay. I-" I looked down at her, her chest was no longer moving, her eyes were shut. "No. Tia. Tia, please no. I'm so sorry. Stay with me, Tia stay with me! Tia!" The sound of sirens rang around the house, red and blue flashing lights broke through the windows, reflecting on the pool of blood that was splattered on the floor. I heard footsteps, people yelling, running everywhere through the house and then suddenly to us.... to me. It was just me here now, not us.      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - SUNDAY. SEPTEMBER 18TH, 2016. 8:47 PM. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The apartment was empty. Beer cans and bottles scattered around the apartment everywhere you look. Cigarette cartons scattered almost on every counter. Multi-colored balloons with strings attached deflated around the living room. A 'congratulations' banner that had been repetitively ripped thrown across the back of the couch. I was sitting up, my back sitting up straight, really straight, for what felt like the first time in ages. I wasn't slouching. I wasn't laying down. I was sitting up. As I went to reach for the remote for the television (god only knows how that was still on, I don't remember paying any bills) there was a knock on the door. I grunted. The door handle twisted open and Elliot strutted in with two bags in his hand. One bag contained an order of Chinese food, this I knew because he did it weekly whether I responded about it or not. He knew it was my favorite. I never ate it. How could I? I shouldn't allow myself to enjoy something, to be happy, even. But, the second bag was a mystery... hopefully it was a case of beer, I was getting low. "Hey, man." I nodded, my eyes still glued to the second bag. Elliot sighed, taking the food into the kitchen. He did a couple of things in there, I didn't really care to take notice of what he was doing. I huffed and went back on my mission to finding the remote. But, as I went to reach for it, Elliot grabbed it first, setting it on top of the t.v. where I couldn't reach it. "What the fuck, man?" I grumbled at him, sitting back on the couch. He looked like he was in shock, as if I hadn't actually spoken to him in months... maybe I hadn't? After his moment of shock, Elliot sighed and straightened his back, twisting the bag in his hand. "I-uhm." He stopped and cleared his throat and shook his head - his eyes were shut, he was struggling with something. I became nervous, although I had basically become a vegetable at this point, I still cared, he was still my best friend. What was going on with him? I raised my eyebrows to tell him I was interested in what he wanted to tell me, however my eyes also flickered over to the tv remote... I was interested in that, too. "I found her phone, Finn. I thought you would want it, we don't need it anymore so I thought... I don't know. You should have it, or something." What the fuck was he talking about? I stood up, walking over to the counter and grabbing my pack of cigarettes, placing one between my lips. I searched around for my lighter in the couch cushions. "What the hell are you talking about, man? Who's phone? If it's Hadleys then just go fucking take it to her, I'm sure you guys have been talking anyway. So just deal with it yourse-" I found the lighter. I stood up and faced Elliot to shoo him out of my apartment when I saw it in his hand. Tia's phone. I dropped the lighter and the cigarette. I was speechless. I couldn't breathe. "Take it, Finn." I shook my head. My heart was racing, I could feel my eyes burning but I held the tears back. "I-I don't want that, man. Don't. I don't want it. Okay? Just-just keep it." I couldn't move. I couldn't even move my eyes away from the phone. Her bright purple case shining around the edges. It looked as if it was in perfect condition - like she had just cleaned it. Elliot sighed, setting it down on the coffee table; He walked towards the door. "I'll see you later, man. I gotta get back to work. I have an overnight shift tonight. I just wanted to bring you that." And with that he was gone. It was just me again. Me, my cigarettes, and my dead sisters phone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - SUNDAY. SEPTEMBER 18TH, 2016. 9:15 PM. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I wanted to get rid of it, I wanted it out of my sight. I didn't want it anywhere near me. How could I even THINK about touching her stuff? I had caused enough damage... but... I took in a deep breath, clicking the home button and watching as the phone lit up. Someone had charged it, probably Elliot. I sighed staring at her background picture - It was a picture from Hadleys last birthday. We had a surprise party for her and invited her entire family, all of her friends, it was that night that Tia told me she wanted to move in with us, try to go sober. The tears pooled out of my eyes, I couldn't hold it back anymore. I clicked on messages. The first message was from Mike. I felt my blood boiling as I clicked on his name. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TIAS TEXTS WITH MIKE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mike: Tia, I miss you. I want you back. I'm so sorry for everything. I want to change. I want to be with you. Tia: What? Mike, I love you too, but we just aren't good for each other, you know that. Mike: I don't care what we discussed in the past. I just want you, here with me, hitting this joint next to me. I want you. We can forget about everything, the money, the drugs, the past. All of it. Just come back. I'll help you move back in. Tia: I don't know Mike. I like living with Finn, he makes me think I can actually be okay without the drugs, without any of it. He really believes in me. I love you, but I think I should stay here with my brother and Hadley. They're so good to me Mike... I love you, but I don't think I should move in just yet... maybe we can work on things first... Mike: If you really love me, like you say you do, then you'll come live with me. No questions about it. You do love me, don't you? Tia: Of course I do. Mike:I'll be there in 5, pack your shit. You're coming back home, baby. My breathing was heavy, my mind was going crazy. I felt dizzy. I was sobbing at this point, to the point of wheezing. I didn't know what to do, but my heart did. I pulled my phone off it's charger and my fingers dialed a number. Before I knew it, there was a sweet, calming, beautiful voice on the other end, and there I was, sobbing and wheezing into the phone. "How could I of been so fucking stupid, Haddie? How did I not know? How didn't I figure out that she was on drugs the whole time? She was never clean. I was so stupid. Something struck in me. I felt... normal, almost. However, it was weird actually speaking to someone. I was lost in my own head for months. I was lost without the love of my life for months... "Can you come here, Hadley? Please... I felt like I was begging, but I needed to see her. I needed to hug her, to just be with her. For the first time in a very long time, I was ready for her. I need her. I guess, since she left it never really felt real. I always kept the door unlocked and her key where she left it, just in case she wanted to come back. She never did. "I need you, Haddie." My voice cracked, tears streaming down my face.

[croissantwrites]

" "Finn, I can't stay here. I can't do this anymore. I-" "God damn it. I know Hadley! I f***ing know, okay? But, I can't. I can't touch you. I-I can barely breathe around you. I just f***ing can't. I want to. I want to hold you, and kiss you, and be with you but I just f***ing can't. I cant talk to you. I can't love you. I can't be who I used to be Hadley because nothing is the f***ing same anymore. I-I can't even go to my god damn job, Hadley. Because I f***ed up! I couldn't wait, I busted into that f***ing house and I f***ing killed her, Hadley. I f***ing shot her!" My voice broke, my knees weakened and I fell onto the couch, I buried my face into the palms of my hands, shaking my head back and forth, my eyes were burning with the tears that I was holding back. "I promised my mom I would take care of her. She was doing to well. She was finally f***ing happy. - She's dead, Hads. Because of me. I killed my little sister. I just-I can't." My voice was much quieter, much more broken when I spoke this time. So was hers. "Finn-" "Don't!" Before Hadley could finish speaking I stood from the couch, grabbing my pack of cigarettes and a beer bottle, storming to the balcony, slamming the sliding glass door behind me. Tears flooded my eyes as I leaned over the side, lighting the cigarette that was between my lips. I couldn't let her see me like this - She can't see me being weak. I sighed, feeling myself falling apart. I was broken, but I wasn't ready to admit it. But I had never yelled at Hadley like that before, I had never even raised my voice at her before (you could tell by the shock on her face that she didn't know what to do... almost like she was scared of me) , and all I wanted to do was run in there and hug her and hold her and apologize and take it all back and kiss her and l o v e her but I just couldn't.... I can't.  

[croissantwrites]

"3:15 pm - the room was no longer blurry, the smell of smoke and alcohol was all that masked the room. The couch cushions laid limp as I pulled my body off of them, the indent from my form stayed intact. As I stood up, my bare feet crushed against an empty carton of cigarettes. I felt sick. Was this who I was becoming? Was this my new normal, without her? Ding ding. 3:17 pm - Elliot Bravers: Hey, Finnick. We've got a situation.  3:25 pm - The sky was getting dark, a storm was going to roll in, the wind that was blowing through the autumn leaves told me that. Where was she? School was done by now, why didn't she come out? I need to make sure she's safe.  Ding ding.  3:37 pm - "Are you sure she worked today, man? Maybe you should just call her and -" "I can't f***ing call her, Elliot. We aren't-" My words were cut off. From my front windshield I could see the petite brunette walking down the path from the front of the school. There were no children, no parents, no buses, nothing. "There she is." I whispered softly, forgetting that Elliot was on the phone. Actually, in that moment, I had forgotten about everything. My only focus was her. Just her. "How does she look, man? Do you think she's safe? You don't see him around, do you?" I only heard the first question because as he kept speaking, Hadley lifted her head. She saw me. I saw her. "Finn, how does she look?" Elliot repeated. I sat forward in my seat, my jaw clenching. "Beautiful." I spoke softly, my eyes flickering, trying to pull them away from her doe-like ones. I could see she was broken, she was hurting, she was confused. I clenched my jaw tighter, looking away from her, starting my car and drive away. "She's fine." I lied to Elliot. He didn't need to know what was going on, all he needed to know was that she was safe.  3:42 pm - I wasn't going to stop protecting her. I could never stop protecting her. 

[croissantwrites]

Rapunzel was fuming, her blood boiling, never in her life did she think she could ever be as angry as she was now. She almost felt numb. She crinkled up the daily prophet and threw it into the burning fire across from her in the fireplace. "Blondie?" His voice echoed loudly through the room and he quickly came through the doorway. "Rapunzel...?" His voice was soft, and it had gotten quieter when he noticed the paper burning in the fire the headline "Slytherin dealing with Hufflepuff partner, daughter of Head Mistress." The room was silent for a moment, the sound of Flynns shoes clicking against the floor and he placed a hand on Rapunzels shoulder softly. "Rapunzel. She twisted it. That's not what I said."He was lying. She knew it. He sighed. "You're going to need allies, Punz. And I've got them. We can't have them if-" Rapunzel couldn't bear to hear his words, or even feel his touch. her hands were shaking and she twisted around to face him, tears streaming down her face. "Don't touch me!" She barked at him, pushing his hand off of her and taking a step back. "I don't care what you have to say right now, Flynn. You don't care about anything but yourself and your blood idiotic mate Peter. Someday your whole world is going to go crashing down, and no one is going to be there for you because you could care less about anything but yourself! I love you, Flynn. I love you so much it bloody kills me. But I can't care if you don't. I can't." Her voice had gotten so loud, she was walking towards Flynn who was taking large steps back until he was at the doorway. Rapunzel had tears streaming down her face but she didn't wipe them away. She needed him to see how much he had hurt her. Her voice went soft. "This is just a bloody game to you." She broke as she looked at him, his hand on the door. She could tell he didn't know what to say, he was taken back by her reaction. But Rapunzel didn't care. If he didn't, then neither did she.

[croissantwrites]

It was over. It was finally all over. I could see him in the light again, and I couldn't help but smile. It was one of those stupid smiles where it took up my entire face. I was staring at him, it was over, I saw him, and I was staring with just the stupidest smile and he didn't flinch. He didn't roll his eyes. He didn't even have to look at me anymore. It was as if he had gotten so used to me, he could feel when I was being, or looking, stupid. He smiled his stupid smirk too, and for a second, just a quick little second, I saw his eyes flicker over to me. After that, the feeling that washed over my body was everything. He was everything to me.

[croissantwrites]

Why are you lying to me?

Footsteps were slow, dragging down the sidewalk of the big apple. There was so much hustle and bustle, people bumping shoulder to shoulder, practically pushing and shoving without the motive. It was just go go go. run run run. GO. GO. GO. It echoed through my head. It screamed through my head. More people knocked on by, crashing and thrashing. The traffic got louder, the sound of taxi cabs honking and people talking louder. Louder. LOUDER. "Peeta?" My name pushed through the buzz, but only barely. I had to keep going. "Peeta!" The fuzz became a blur and I shook my head. "Hey-" A hand on my shoulder made me flinch, jumping back and instantly putting myself in a defensive state; My hands flew up, ready to fight. "Peeta... hey!" Johanna. I shook my head again, brushing past her lightly I made my way into the bakery, unlocking the front door. The bell rang, a light twinkling sound as the door was pushed open. The bell rang twice. I was being followed. I couldn't stop to talk. I couldn't stop. Go, go, go. "Uhm... Peeta? Hey..." I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. "What is wrong with you? Peeta!" Wrong? I turned back towards her, tilting my head to the side slightly. I didn't understand. Johanna of all people should know we can't stop. "Nothing?" What was she doing here? It wasn't safe to be in groups like this. They'll send something for us. We can't be comfortable. They will kill us for not following the rules of the games. Snow will have our blood on his hands just like he wants. "Why are you lying to me?" "Lying?" SNAP. "Are you joking Johanna? You need to leave! Go!" My voice was raised, eyes flickering through the windows, watching as people pushed each other to get by. "What? Leave?" "Are you trying to us both murdered, Jo?" I turned my attention back on her, running my fingers frustratedly through my hair. "Not all of us have the front to flash to be saved! Get out! Snow is going to murder us!" Johanna was confused I could see it in her face. But, I was confused too. Why was she here? We promised to survive these things, but being in groups wasn't safe. THIS WASN'T THE PLAN. Why didn't she get that? "Peeta..." Her voice was softer - was this a trick? "We're not... we're not in the games right now." She took a step forward, she reached out to me but I quickly jumped back. It was a trick. "You have to go, Jo. Now."

[croissantwrites]

Please talk to me about it.

People always say that speaking of your pain, telling your story, letting it all out into the open could help to cure that ache. But, I was never so sure about that. What would sharing my pain do? I could tell such horrific stories, I could explain how the screams bounced off of the walls and went straight back to your own ear drums, you practically deafened yourself and it was your own fault. "Please, talk to me about it." I could practically hear the pleading in her voice, she saw my pain, my struggles, she saw the bruises and cuts that had scarred my face. I thought about it for a moment, glancing down at my hands as I clenched my fingers into a tight intertwine. She wanted to hear about the games, about what it was really like. She wanted to know my story. "It was..." But as I went to pull my gaze back up to her face, to spill my truth, I couldn't help but stare at the curvature of her stomach. She was pregnant. Twins. Not one, but two kids. Kids that would consume her life, whether she knew it would or not. And she wanted to hear my story, the story of a sixteen year old kid trying to survive in a world where no one was safe. My eye twitched thinking of the pain and I shut my eyes uneasily, forcing the lump that was in my throat to dissipate. I adjusted my placement in my chair and shook my head, dark brown hues connecting with her lighter ones. "Don't make me." My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat again. I wanted to say more, I wanted to explain, but I couldn't. I didn't even dare to think about it. I couldn't tell her my story of trying to survive, when she was about to start such a grand journey. I wouldn't dare put those horrors of The Hunger Games in her head. "Don't make me, River." I echoed. 

[croissantwrites]

You're safe, it's okay. The games are over.

They lie through their teeth, through their brains. They blast the news across millions of screens. Your kids are safe, they say. It's over, it's done, they yell. But we know better than that. It's not over yet. It's not fucking over, it never is. They lie through their fucking teeth and that's how they get you wrapped around their index fingers. That's how they get the world wrapped around their index fingers. "I don't believe it." I spit back. But, they don't like that. They don't like the fight. (I have bruises and scars and medical records to prove it.) They say it's okay but it's still difficult to swallow the saliva that's anxiously covered my tongue - instead I try and it sits there like a rock in my throat. "I don't believe it." I say again, shaking my head, hues going from the floor to the person who has stepped towards me. My heart sinks, thinking it's a challenge or a for, something coming to shut me up. But my hues click with hers then scan the details of her face. Her face is familiar, of course, but what's more familiar are the screams that practically echo with my own that I hear when I look in her eyes. I nod once, trying to be casual. "Jo." I purse my lips together, finally swallowing the lump in my throat. But I don't show any more comfort, I didn't dare. Comfort is a weapon used against us.