Cubicle #1

Where walls are my friends who listen to everything.

[cubiclenumberone]

The End

I've long accepted the fact that you weren't meant to stay in my life. Sone people you meet and they hurt you. Not to make you suffer. Not because of karma. But for you to learn how pain is. So you'd know how it sucks if you hurt the ones that care for you. Goodbye, Jake.

[cubiclenumberone]

Craig David - Walking Away

[cubiclenumberone]

Like Drowning

Sometimes, it's just too much.

[cubiclenumberone]

Cleaned out my closet

I like shortcuts. I dunno what psychological implication it may mean, but I like finding ways to make life easier. I'm not against routine, or the standardized methods, but if there's something I can do to make things easier, make them simpler, I'd find it. 

Such as the case with bookmarks. I've bookmarked your facebook and twitter pages on my laptop and my phone, as there was never a day when I wouldn't check on them. Often, about more than 5 times a day. But the operative word here is was. Because now they're nonexistent, I've deleted them already. 

Last week, it was a struggle to keep myself from checking your profile. And knowing myself, that I like shortcuts - looking you up would take some effort because I have no shortcuts anymore. And that is an effective way to finally leave all of these behind me.

[cubiclenumberone]

Sometimes, I think of you. And when I do, I cry.

Sometimes, I think of you. Not about what could've been. But rather, about the moments we shared.

Those memories keep haunting me for the past week. 

[cubiclenumberone]

You have been nothing but unkind to me. You've stressed me out, used me for my money to get you food, told me not so nice words, turned your back on me multiple times and broke your promises. Your words, I often could not trust, as I do not know when they are true or not. Yet I miss the days I shared with you. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss seeing you laugh. Yet I don't want to be your friend anymore. And I don't get it why you had to be unkind, when you can be so much more. When you can be a better person.

[cubiclenumberone]

I know you wouldn't get to read this, I don't know if I'm planning to send you this, pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na ang harsh ng reaction mo. I'm sure you would've known, you would've expected that one of these days, I'd ask you about our status. 

I'm okay with us being just friends. I would've moved on peacefully. But pushing me away, dropping things like a disease, ignoring my pleas for friendship - it's just really harsh. Na para bang wala tayong pinagsamahang maganda. Oo na, mukhang nanunumbat na, pero nakalimutan mo na ba yung mga Adventure Time Tuesdays and Thursdays na halos sumakit yung tyan natin kakatawa? We'd laugh ourselves silly. There was even a time na we had such a good time, we didn't want to part ways. Inabot mo pa tayong 12mn sa BGC. I had to render halfdays or be late a lot of times, dahil bitin sa oras. Where'd all that go? Why did it just fade away?

I don't think it had something to do with how I feel. We were fine from March until June. As friends. I've never asked for something more, nor assumed there would be something else. I was happy, as your friend, that you were happy. 

And it just really sucks. That all the plans we made won't happen. That the promises you made will just be nil. We were supposed to have dinner at Subic. We were supposed to go to a party. We even agreed to have an exchange gift for Christmas. And a lot of other things. 

It's just very convenient for you to be forgetful. And nakakalungkot lang talaga.

[cubiclenumberone]

I just really, really feel cheated. She asked me for chocolates last Tuesday, I gave her everything she requested. Yet she dropped me, without seconds thought. Without even considering my offer of friendship, since there was no future with her anyway.

I feel used. And I don't want to be mad at her, but sometimes, I am. Ang kapal-kapal lang ng pagmumukha nya, to quote my agent, when I told her about what happened. Never mind the unpaid dues, but God...I can't really describe how much despise yet pity her at the same time. Asking for 1,000php worth of chocolates, then throwing me away like trash the moment it was convenient. The love that I have for her is still there, but hate is slowly eating it away.

[cubiclenumberone]

Let it go

Let it go, self. Let it go.

I just can't believe it's over.

After all the drama, goodbyes and chasing after, it had to end. In a way that I've expected it to be. It was a vicious cycle, one I told her that we had to stop sooner or later. Well, this is later. This is what I was trying to avoid. For both to part ways with harsh words.

We can't be friends, not in the near future. Even if she repeats the stunt she pulled last September, I'm stronger now. I won't give in. But I'm not closing my doors. If she wants us to be friends again, then so be it. But after she's grown up. When she's changed, for the better.

[cubiclenumberone]

This is probably one of my favorite quotes/images. 

"If He could have, He would have turned His head back on the whole mess. But He didn't.

He saw you, and He didn't want you to be alone."

[cubiclenumberone]

Nakakatawa lang. Na syempre masakit din. Na parang sya pa yung nagmamalaki sa mga nangyari. Aminado naman ako na nagpakatanga ako, pero at least wala akong inagrabyadong tao. At least, wala akong nasaktan. Wala akong niloko o pinaglaruan. Ganun talaga. It's not living if you don't take risks. 

Andaming nawala sakin. Sarili, oras, pera. I'm not bitter, at least I don't think I am. I just find it silly na ako na nga yung naloko, ako pa talaga yung may kasalanan. Half of it is my fault, dahil hinayaan kong magpakatanga ako, kahit anong sabi ng mga kaibigan ko. Pero nasa tao naman yun kung gusto nya manakit. 

Hay buhay. At least tapos na. 

If you truly loved yourself you would never harm another. — The Buddha

[cubiclenumberone]

"Anything you want in love you should have. If you want someone to send you flowers just because it’s Tuesday, you should have that. If you want someone to write you love letters, you should have that. If you want someone who looks at you like the sun rises and sets because of you, you should have that. In life, we often have to settle for 'okay' or 'good enough', love should not be one of those things."

c.h. dixon ‪#‎TodaysMantra

[cubiclenumberone]

Yeah :)

"Hindi naman ako 'yung na-in love sa taong hindi ako kayang mahalin. :)) Wala ka nang bearing sa buhay ko. Tanggapin mo na lang."

Say what you want, but I'm not the one who ends up with nothing. We don't lose anything by loving. Even if our feelings were not returned, we gain back life lessons that will prepare us for the next one.

Thank you for those who listened and gave advice over the weekend. I'm closing the doors on this one.

[cubiclenumberone]

It's done

The end. Hopefully, it would be. With everything that happened, I just wanted to know where we stood. We've been through things for half a year now, she knows how I feel about her. I was done with confusion and blurred lines. If I could pursue her, or if not, then I hoped we could be friends. But she told me it would be better for us not to talk to each other anymore. Fine, then. It stings, but I'll live. At least I got my answer. At least the cycle has been cut off. 

No hard feelings on my end. I actually feel relieved. 

And somewhat enlightened. Twelve years ago, I played with someone's heart. I was young then, I didn't know how much pain I caused her. I know that I would never be able to tell her this, but I'm sorry. I could never turn back time nor wipe the tears I caused you. But now I've felt how you did before. And it sucks. And again, I'm sorry. That's all I could do.

Since all things have been cleared, I'm moving on. I didn't lose anything, but rather, I've gained key takeaways the next time I will venture in relationships. I've loved with the best that I could. It wasn't just right with her. And I believe that God has better plans for me. 

[cubiclenumberone]

The Last Time

Ang gulo-gulo na. Sa sobrang gulo, hindi ko alam kung anong status ko sayo araw-araw. Kahapon, nung sinabi kong mag-momoveon na ko, tinanong mo ko kung hindi na naman ba tayo mag-uusap. May kasama pang sad face. Nung medyo okay na ko at kinausap ka ulit, ikaw naman yung parang galit. Clipped responses, walang emotion. Tapos sabay sabing mag-move on na ko at i-bblock mo na yung number ko. Nanghingi ako ng leeway dahil may gusto lang sana ako linawin, at pagkatapos nun, nung sinabi ko nang iblock mo na talaga, hindi mo naman ginawa. Iniwan mo rin sakin yung decision. Syempre at that point, I was vulnerable. Kaya sinabi ko ikaw na bahala. Nung magpaalam ako, sinabi mong andrama ko, and naiba na yung topic, hanggang sa nag-uusap na naman ulit tayo.

Tapos ngayon, pagkagising ko, hindi ko na naman maintindihan. Kaya nagtanong lang. Pero parang iba na ang dating sayo. I get it that you're busy, though last week naman kinakausap mo ko kahit naglalaro ka ng WoM. Ang dating lang sakin, kakausapin mo lang ako kung trip mo. Or wala kang makausap.

Sinabi yun sakin ni Pam kagabi. Dahil akala nya hindi na tayo nag-uusap at wala na rin syang balak kausapin ka. Ang sabi nya, "Hahaha. Okay. Oh well. Wala nang syang makakausap ngayon." I know that isn't true. Andyan yung Bajula friends mo, andyan si Romeo, si Ash, at kung sino pang officemates mo to keep you entertained. Siguro nanibago lang ako at nasanay kasi dati, lagi tayo magkausap, lagi tayo nagkikita. You once posted on Twitter that pain changes people. I agree, it should, pero for the better. With you, it was the reverse. Bigla ka na lang naging cold. And yun pa, nung manghingi ka ng alone time na binigay ko naman, bigla kang nagreach out. Ang dating sakin, ayaw mo ng ikaw yung iniiwan. Gusto mo ikaw yung nagpapaalam.

Nakakasawa na yung ganito, yung confusion. Yung drama. Masakit syempre, dahil may feelings ako para sayo. Gaya nga ng sabi ko, ang saya mo kasama. And hindi naman ako desperado. Natuwa lang ako siguro masyado sayo. On how open you are to the world. You’ve let me experience and see how it is to be proud of your preference. It was very different with Pao, my ex. We had our own world. We had to. Reality wasn’t too kind to us. We were hidden in the deepest jungles of Narnia. With you, even though as friends, I was able to have fun, have that giddy feeling, without the constant fear of how it is to be exposed. You’re confident in your own skin. Perhaps that was what anchored me to you. That I realized that I want to be with someone who’s not a damsel in distress, but a princess - or a Queen, who can kick ass on her own. Like Shrek’s Fiona.

I hope good things continue to fall your way. Anlayo na ng narating mo. You've changed a lot since I met you. You were very insecure, then. And now, you're much more confident. I want to keep your birthday gift sana, the friendship or whatever this is. Pero paninindigan ko na. Tama na, ilang buwan na tayong ganito. I don't want to be a bother to you anymore, and at the same time, I need to find peace. Nakakatakot, kung bakit masyado ako reactive sayo. I'm not like this with anyone else, kahit sa family ko. So I'm off to find answers.

Good luck with life, queen of life. May this will be the last you will hear from me.

[cubiclenumberone]

Idk how to reach you, since excited ka na iblock ako. -_-; I'm not expecting a reply anymore. But I hope you at least get to read this.

Sorry sa complication. Alam ko naman yung history mo ng pangccheat kay Jason. Alam ko na crush mo ang bayan. Na andami mong babae at lalaki sa buhay. Mostly naman ng mga nakkwento mo about dun, balewala lang. Masyado lang kasing in your face yung text mo kagabi kaya nairita ako, kahit na wala naman akong karapatan.

Tbh, pinapalipas ko na lang naman yung feelings ko. Last night, I realized na I met you for a reason. Maybe not to be with you, but to learn lessons from. I've learned that no matter how attracted you are to a person, no matter how seemingly deeply you feel for them, one must not compromise the critical qualities that you're looking for in a person.

And hindi naman ako desperado. Natuwa lang ako siguro masyado sayo. On how open you are to the world. You've let me experience and see how it is to be proud of your preference. It was very different with Pao. We had our own world. We had to. Reality wasn't too kind to us. We were hidden in the deepest jungles of Narnia. With you, I was able to have fun, have that giddy feeling, without the constant fear of how it is to be exposed. You're confident in your own skin. Perhaps that was what anchored me to you. That I realized that I want to be with someone who's not a damsel in distress, but a princess - or a Queen, who can kick ass on her own. Like Shrek's Fiona.

I'll try to clear my head in the next couple of days. So I can write down the life lessons I've learned.

My heart wasn't just broken for nothing. It had to, because it was kept hidden for so long, I didn't even know it was still beating. 

So despite all the hurtful things said and done, between the constant goodbye's and hello's, I want to say thank you. For being a part of my life.

Even though it was a painful one.

[cubiclenumberone]

Tanginang bobo lang. Tanginang tanga lang.

Idk why I can't move on. I go from liking her, to hating her, from not caring, then waiting to hear from her. Nakakasawa na, nakakapagod na. Nakakainis na. Sobra. I'm very, very frustrated with myself, that I end up lashing out to people, and to her, at the smallest little things that shouldn't bother me (but they do).

For someone who prides herself with remembering details, I've lost count already on how many times we said goodbye to one another. One would try to walk away, the other would convince the former not to. Things would be okay again. Then shit happens. Again. The goodbye gets harder the next time.

And last night, and this morning, I was so convinced on moving on. Then she responded with a sad face and I was once again derailed. And now we're talking again- about moving on. She said that she won't respond to my messages anymore. But she still does. 

This is all very confusing.