thoughts
looking through your hard drive is never a good idea. it makes you wonder how you used to be the way you used to be. and how you will never be or have what you once had.
i’m 21 now, some songs still make me sing in a way i dont feel anymore but i look at those feelings i once had towards those songs and i wonder how i could ever feel so strongly. now its just memories of those feelings. i dont feel anything towards those feelings except nostalgia and the ache to feel how i used to feel again. not the painful bits, just the good bits. but thats what memories do dont they? they glaze over the bad times and hold the good times to your face like “here this is what it used to be like, oh those bad bits? nevermind them youre just imagining it”
ive grown so much, i have love, i have a future. im still planning on being a teacher one day, ive realised how the things you want when youre young that youre told youll grow out of is just untrue. somethings just call out to you and no matter what else you do youre drawn to what you wanted first.
first. lots of firsts, ill probably forget about all of this tomorrow while im slaving away at work but the firsts ive had are something ill never regret, hence why the first line of you shouldnt look through hard drives, but its true, i dont regret any of it, i just wish i remembered more of it and held it closer to me, not because i still want it, but because it made me who i am and id like to give that more importance.
i know noone reads this, i know ill only remember this page the next time i decide to open up a folder i shouldnt and ill always think the same thing.
the heart is a crazy thing but you know what i think the head is worse, because the head presents these memories that the heart longs for. and to me thats dangerous, there is no head and heart, only the head. this makes no sense whoever ends up reading this can laugh at me its ok, im sleepy and i felt like not being 21 and being the 14 year old who made this page and wrote her poems and love notes and the worst thing to worry about was why her crush was being a silly goose.
