developed some film today after a very long time. this was taken over a year ago in Hawaii. I was putting off developing the photos, because I didn't want a physical and visual reminder of my ex.
I was really dreading it, tbh.
And then when the film came back, and I looked at the scans... you know what I felt?
I'm deadass... I felt nothing. Is this what they call "indifference" ? because I think that's what I'm feeling.
I just looked at the photos and kind of, like, made a "grossed out" face LOL and thought to myself, this motherfucker was ugly. Why have I always dated ugly (inside and out) men?
Anyways, I'm really proud of myself. A few months ago, I might have been crying about it and feeling resentment and anger and regret. Yes, I still do have those feelings inside of me, but they're not taking over my mental health anymore.
It's getting close to almost a year ago where my life completely changed out of the blue. During this time, I've been doing the VERY hard work of learning and unlearning, letting go, processing my emotions on a level I've never gotten to before, connecting things to my childhood, dealing with suppressed family trauma and trying to navigate that as an adult, moving my body more and eating cleaner so I can be a healthier and stronger person not only mentally and emotionally, but physically, too. I am healing. I've been healing. I'm so, so proud of myself.
I have not been this single for this long since I was a teenager, maybe?
I was always dating, or talking to someone, or entertaining something, and trying to bury my trauma and hurt and sadness with bullshit from men who never deserved the time of day for me.
I have been SO so so single, and I've been loving it. It's been so long and I really am SO good. I am so proud of myself. I LOVE being by myself. I am so complete on my own.
In the past, I've realized that I always gave too much and it was always to people who should've never even gotten a chance with me. I let things go, I let things slide, I settled for the absolute bare minimum. I begged!!! Can you believe it? None of this is easy to admit, but it's part of breaking the cycle.
I truly, whole-heartedly, know my worth now. All of the work I've been going has lead me to this point. Finally.
This growth is beautiful, and I have myself to thank.
dededos
kianamaiart
stormborns
pixelskylines
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
annaxmalina
janainaart
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic