I’m a ball of anxiety already today, and its not even 7 am yet. Doing things with my mom is getting harder and harder for me to handle. I feel like I’m in a constant cycle of seeking her approval and praise, and never getting it.Â
I go out of my way to do things for her to ease her workload as a mother, yet I barely hear a thank you. My stepdad is a absent parent even though he lives with the youngest two, all he cares about is watching sports and drinking. So I’ve taken his place, becoming a second mom to the youngest one of us. I should be used to this though, I raised my dads two other children from age 6-16.Â
I should be able to finally have my own life, and enjoy things for myself, but it doesnt work that way. I have no idea how to set boundries with them to be able to do that, and struggle to tell them no because I dont want to let them down.Â
Thankfully my husband will listen to me complain about the same things day in and day out about my family, but anymore I dont want to complain to him because i dont do anything to actively fix it.Â
I know it weighs on him too, how my anxiety has heightened, the panc attacks I’ve had while trying to do things for them, the constant phone calls. I dont want this to ruin us.Â
We’ve decided to start trying for a baby after my brithday next April, and my mom was trying to plan a vacation in October. When I reminded her of that she just simply said “well you can just start trying in october, so we can go on this vacation.” I put my foot down about that and said no, she was visibly upset and didnt speak to me for three days.Â
I’ve never had control of my life, and I finally want to start taking it back. Even if it makes me a villan to everyone else. I want to dress how I want, do whatever I want to my hair, and to just be myself. I want to be free.Â
Mom and I took a beach trip today with the youngest and I was miserable the entire time. Having been up since 6 am, and in the car for two hours made me miserable. We went to dinner which we were unhappy with just because I had higher expectations for where we went. Then we went to the squishmellow store, and I was so happy to get a new squish :) however that excitement didn’t last long, it quickly turned into anxiety after going to the small amusement park on the boardwalk. My heart rate was high and my anxiety was out of control for over two hours and my mom didn’t even notice I wasn’t myself. Now it’s Saturday and we just got to the beach, it’s so hot out and I can’t stay in the heat for too long as I’ll pass out, but my mom still wants youngest to enjoy her time at the because so I have to sit and suffer. I guess we’ll just wait and see what happens.
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