for what it's worth

This is my blog of stuff and things. It's all over the place, but fuck it, right?

[detdevilails]

I fall in love most often between the hours of midnight and 5am, when the world is quiet and it’s only you and me.

I fall in love like a charge into the ocean, walking myself into the tides until I’m submerged completely. 

I fall in love at pool tables with missing 8 balls, making the best of it even without everything I thought I needed.

I hope when the morning comes the world is still quiet and it’s still just you and me.

I hope I don’t want to get out of the swells of waves when my fingers start to prune.

I hope when I dive down and see the missing 8 ball, I realize that I don’t need it to play. 

I hope.

I fall in love.

[detdevilails]

“Oh Christ Jax” I sigh to my dog. 

“It’s really too much sometimes, to be human, an adult human at least. To experience the emotions a human does and to be consumed by them”

She looks up at me as I speak and I know she can’t understand my words, but I do think she understands the feeling I’m having. Maybe she doesn’t understand the feelings themselves but she understands that I’m feeling them. 

She’s not a cuddly dog at all, and never has been much of a cuddler, especially not in her sunset years. I always joke that she doesn’t actually love me she just tolerates me, but I’ve come to realize that isn’t true. She loves differently than I want her to, but she isn’t void of love all together. I’ve struggled for a good portion of my adult life to find a love that feels right for me, a love on my terms, that’s there to hold me when I need it and fucks off when I want it to. The problem is that love like that doesn’t exist, because that’s not love. Jax’s love is wanting to be in the same area as you but not close enough to touch. Her love is the gleam in her eyes when she see’s me walk in the door, it’s the pacing back and forth around the apartment at the time she thinks someone should be coming home from work. Her love is being off leash and smelling every inch of dirt and grass but coming back to where I’m sitting every so often just to make sure I’m still there. She loves differently than I want her to, as does everyone I’ve ever met and loved. I’m learning that’s okay. I’m learning to love the love I find and not to wish it was a different way of loving me. 

[detdevilails]

We broke up a month ago

I moved out 4 days ago

You called me from a date 2 hours ago

I showed up 45 minutes ago

We took clothes off 20 minutes ago

We’re laying in bed this moment 

You say “you feel like my mama’s living room” Like home.

I know exactly what you mean, and my heart breaks.

I can’t go back to my mama’s living room because it’s not the same one. 

It’s in a different house now,

And I don’t have the keys.

You feel like a living room in a house that isn’t mine, comfortable and warm, but for some reason I feel like I can’t take off my socks in here. 

[detdevilails]

You put mascara on your lips thinking it was gloss 

I put my blush on your cheeks

We kissed before they showed up and again when we left them

I felt something on the couch at the place that stole the next day from us 

I just wanted to leave and lay with you

But I settled for watching you dance barefoot in the club

I drove your car home

You laid in the passenger seat apologizing every few minutes between your drunken sleepy noises

I told you “It’s ok”

And it was 

I didn’t want to be anywhere else but in that car with you. 

[detdevilails]

“I think you should write all the time.”

read the text she sent me.

What I wanted to say was

“Find another way to break my heart,

And maybe I will.”

What I wanted to say was

“This isn’t a fun hobby of mine”

What I wanted to say was

“I picked up the pen, so I would set down the knife”

What I wanted to say was

“I think you should keep breaking hearts,

I think you have a Knack for it.”

[detdevilails]

A Tornado I Have Met Before

The tornado that came was one I’d met before.

I tried to find the eye of the storm last time,

but it was looking toward something else.

This time the tornado came to me,

while my eyes were looking the other way.

The tornado felt like a breeze at first,

It felt calm,

warm,

familiar.

After the intial breeze the tornado did what tornados do.

It ripped through,

leaving a trail of torn up trees,

and me wondering “why?”

[detdevilails]

That’s the only way this works

“Please let me believe everything I just said to you.”

Please let me believe it too.

Please let me believe that we’re meant to be

in each other’s lives,

but not “meant to be”.

Please let me believe that you can’t picture it.

Please let me believe that you can’t see us

dancing in the kitchen.

Please let me believe that the thought of us

laying in the road staring at the stars

is so far fetched.

Please let me believe that the pit in my stomach

isn’t six feet deep and full of monarchs.

Please let me believe.

Please.

[detdevilails]

A Happy Yellow

Last night, as I lay in bed,

I thought of how it would end;

I thought of the words I would write

On the letter stuck under the stone I left on the shore.

I imagined layering my pockets with similar stones.

I pictured myself walking into the tides with such purpose.

I thought of facing the sun with my eyes shut, and then

I thought of you telling me that yellow was your favorite color.

I remembered sunshine yellow like when you look at the sun with eyes closed.

A happy yellow

I smiled to myself and thought of you instead.

[nevver]

[nevver]

There isn’t time, John Baldessari

[bienenkiste]

Hair by Franco Gobbi for KAIMIN Spring 2020

[danskjavlarna]

You can open the hidden doors.  From Songs of Near and Far Away, illustrated and written by E. Richardson, 1900.

[ajolotada]

Stella McCartney Fur Free Fur Faces Print Coat

[redlipstickresurrected]

Ingrid Maillard (French, b. 1992, based Paris, France) - Virgo, The Rotten Fruit Of The Styx, 2016, Drawings: Graphite on Paper

[nevver]

Over saturation, Vishal Marapon

[nevver]

Karambolage, Arnold Odermatt

[mydarkenedeyes]

Minna Sjöholm

[cabinporn]