This Blog Sucks

I'm bored, and don't know how to use Tumblr...

[dizzlemonster]

you were in my dreams again…

… i loved it. Then I woke up. Sometimes I hate when that happens because I wasn’t done feeling that happiness. Guess I kinda know how you felt when I fucked it all up.. I’ll keep that god awful feeling locked inside myself until I die. I’ll always miss you. I’ll always wish I did better for you.

[dizzlemonster]

Time heals all wounds they say....

.... I disagree.. Time just moves on and on and I still catch myself thinking about you every day.. I just hold it all in, think about our time together, cry inside, die inside, all so silently while hoping that you're okay, too scared to even try to talk to you even though I want to so bad.... We'll see what time does.. I love you and I'm sorry.

[dizzlemonster]

Why I’m stuck…

… I often find myself thinking about the past and how great I could have had things, how I wish I could go back, how I wish I wouldn’t have been such a fucking idiot and fucked myself over, how easy things were, how much love I felt… I feel so much hatred now and I didn’t think that was possible, I already had a time in my life where I was angry most of the time and hated everything and I didn’t think it would ever come back.. Surprise!…. It’s back, but this time there’s some deep sadness right there with it… Having said that, I have no honest idea what’s going to happen. I just wish I would have done things so much differently. This part of my life just might kill me. If it does, to everyone that cares about me and loves me, I’m very truly sorry. I love you too..

[dizzlemonster]

I told myself to never miss you again..

.. but I never listen..

[dizzlemonster]

Pretty sure I get it now, and I most certainly agree.. Everyone would be much better off if I was dead. I realize that I do more harm than good. I want the same thing though but I’m too much of a wimp to do it myself. I’ve tried to drink to my death once but that didn’t work, I woke up.. I was gonna drive straight into a tree or off a bridge but I chickened out. So keep trying, obviously I don’t want it bad enough. Try harder and maybe one day it’ll happen. Hell maybe I’ll either get lucky or someone will come to their senses and end it for all of us.. got a head full of pain and regret and no one will ever understand. No one hates me more than I do.

[dizzlemonster]

i do miss you..

.. i miss you a lot

[dizzlemonster]

I'm tired..

.. of this bullshit that I always end up putting myself through.. seems like it gets worse every fucking time.. I just want to run.. I want to disappear.. I don't even want to exist.. I'm just done.. I'm sick of everything.. eating, sleeping, even breathing is a chore now.. I'm being crushed by all this stress and all I can do is just try my best to deal with it.. nothing else I can do..

[dizzlemonster]

My favorite person..

.. I don’t even know where to start. You’re the greatest friend that anyone (especially a loser like me) could ever ask for. When you first came around, I never thought we would become friends or anything more but now I know that you really do like me. I really like you too.. Like really like you. I’ve never trusted anyone as much as I trust you. You’re the best part of my life right now. You’re always there for me when no one else is, or even wants to be. You really do understand me like no one else does.. I’ve seriously never loved anyone this much.. I get super excited when I see you. Also you give the best hugs ever.. I really feel safe with you.... Honestly, I hope that one day it will be us against the world.....

[dizzlemonster]

worthless.. the sad truth

if i had no money to spend on you all the time, we wouldn’t be together right now.. i know i ain’t shit.. only reason you love me is because i can’t say no and i do all i can possibly do to keep you happy (though that doesn’t always work) .. i know just me won’t ever be enough.. but i have no choice but to keep doing what i’m doing and do everything in my power to not lose my shit, which is much easier said than done.. through the years my patience has worn extremely thin

[dizzlemonster]

Suicidal Tendencies - Suicidal Failure

Song: Suicidal Failure Band: Suicidal Tendencies Album: Suicidal Tendencies Year: 1983 Genre: Hardcore Punk Father forgive me for I know not what I do I trie...

[dizzlemonster]

Hate this feeling..

.. So fucking pissed off and depressed honestly to the point where I can't even concentrate on anything. Nearly passed out earlier because I stopped breathing for a minute for fucks sake can i please just go the fuck away im so tired off all of this shit im fucking tired of everything ill never be good enough for anyone or anything i might as well just die god dammit i dont know what to do anymore im so sick of it all

[dizzlemonster]

The only choice I have..

 .. is to just stop caring. That’s all I can do. I guess I deserve this shit really. I just hope this isn’t gonna be forever. I know I’m a shitty person but goddammit I do my best to try not to be. It’s hard for me to not voice my opinion and speak my mind. I can’t help it.. All I know is that after this ends, there won’t be another. I can’t do this anymore. My heart, my mind, my body can’t take it.. I’m still learning.

[dizzlemonster]

Happy Birthday..

.. I'll always remember that today's your birthday but of course I have no way to tell you lol and I feel like a dick cause I can't even tell you happy birthday because you hate the Fuck outta me (I don't blame ya, I hate me too). What a kick in the nuts.. lol Happy Birthday tho, I hope you have a great day.

[dizzlemonster]

[dizzlemonster]

i keep screaming help but no one ever hears me

[dizzlemonster]

[dizzlemonster]

hahaaaa what a fucked up situation....

......... remembering why I stayed single for so long (and planned on keeping it that way) but nowww Its pretty much too fucking late.. i feel bad for her though.. i’d feel worse if i told her this won’t work... i don’t know what the fuck to do........ i’m so fucking lost..