I don't have words to express the unkindness I have felt because of L. He is truly the most self-centered and cruel person I have ever met. There is nothing good in his heart.
Two nights ago, he didn't come home until 4:40am and woke me up with the slamming door. For the whole day, I had a lot of pressure in my head, felt dizzy, and my heart was beating fast from crying and having only two hours of sleep.
We went on a walk with one of my friends, so he was nice to me for that short time. But as soon as we were home again, he was moody and wouldn't leave. I told him I need to work on my dissertation, but he spent two hours "getting ready" to head out. He deliberately made sure I couldn't work.
And then before he left, he told me he wanted to give me a massage. I didn't want one. But if I refused, he would turn sour again, and treat me like shit. So I let him. It started as a massage, but it didn't take long for him to start groping me through my sweater, and then pulling up my shirt. Then damaging my bra so he could grope me and see me at the same time. I spent the time trying to gentle end the "massage" so he would leave.
Later, he asked if I felt comfortable with his touch. If I said no, he would have blown up at me. So I said yes.
After dinner, he wanted to go out by himself. He promised he would go to bed early, but instead he came home at 4am again.
When I asked him why he didn't keep his promise, he refused to answer. I told him I can't handle so much instability and never getting any sleep, with him coming in and out at odd hours. We live in a one-room unit. The door wakes me up, and I can't fall asleep wondering when he'll come home. It is miserable.
At 4:15am last night, he grabbed my arms, backed me into a corner, and bashed his head against my forehead. The impact made my front teeth clatter together. I sat on the floor crying.
He told me to call the police on him; I crawled into bed, forehead burning from the impact and heart heavy knowing he really doesn't care about my wellbeing.
This morning, he was all cheery and bright, trying to give kisses and happily wish me a good morning. He always does this after he has been cruel—pretends like nothing happened. He told me we could go pick up a puzzle I've been wanting to get. He left at 9:30am. The room smelt like his body wash and I felt sick.
Of course, he broke the promise. The store closes at 5:30pm. He told me he forgot. He was sleeping in his car after an appointment, and watching youtube videos. He is addicted to youtube, and usually watches for 5+ hours each day. He's on "sick leave" from work, but he spends all his time pleasuring himself and looking at women online. His youtube history is videos with women in bras and underwear, and scenes of women undressing. That, or videos of war/battles. In the past, he has loved watching videos about concubines and prostitutes.
When I asked if we could go somewhere else instead, since he missed the puzzle, he told me I was ridiculous. I am too needy and he needs a break from me. He went to dinner without me. I didn't talk to him at all today, and he broke his promise to me about getting the puzzle—the one thing I was excited to do. And yet he think I'm the problem, and he does nothing to make it right. He thinks only of himself.
He has hit me in the past. He pushed me into a closet at our old home. He lies to me, is cruel, and never comforts when he causes harm. He just says "sorry," and moves on. He doesn't care about the impact he has on me. He doesn't care if I am sad or hurt, or if he's the one causing so much suffering. He'll just keep doing it again and again.
He manipulates every story so he's in the "right." And usually, it means ignoring everything he's done wrong. He'll say "yea, I acknowledge it." But he does nothing, shows no remorse or care. Shrugs his shoulders, feels entitled. Never does anything to make anyone else feel safe or calm or loved.
I do not know if I should ask to change the lock on my room, to end things finally. I want to run away from him, but am scared. He owes me a lot of money, and can be so manipulative and cruel. I am scared of the further hurt and fear and uncertainty he would cause. He loves to research things and use it against people—he would do that to me.
Maybe I should just leave everything for him, and start fresh on my own. Be grateful I was able to leave before he destroyed everything in my life.
He gropes me, lies, hits, verbally and emotionally abuses, and offers no care or comfort. He is ugly when he's angry—truly so heartless. He doesn't know how to have conversations—only arguments. He never learned how to communicate. I see all these things.
Why do I struggle to leave? He is beyond cruel. He is so selfish and self-centered. I don't know why I can't leave. Am I holding on to the lies he made me believe at the start of our relationship? Because I tried?
I know he is monstrous. He shows acquaintances a different side of himself, and so most people don't think that. But one of my neighbours said people have weird feelings about him. This gives me hope that if I left, people would understand that it was him, not me, who was the problem.
He will manipulate them all to think I'm unhinged and the sole problem in the relationship. Some will believe him. I hope most see through his lies—he is all lies.
