journal

just a 19 year old with nothing better to do

[djshrugslife]

9-20

woke up this morning and i slept 9 hours last night eyoooooooooo. so that was good. then left and went to the library where i went to attempt to study. spoilers: it did not go very well. then went to lunch with y at noodles which was fun. then went to the grocery store where y continuously sighed at me for not being vegan. i felt bad but like yeah i dunno. i'm just terrible. then i hauled all of my groceries and my heavy backpack home... then hung around and tried to study with b and a, which did not go well. ended up hanging out with them in a's room, i blurted out how i hated having these bandaids and they were like where are you even getting these cuts?? and i was like um from my skin-picking disorder?? lol. and then i was just angsting about m until a said "well why don't you just ask him out?" and i was just like ummmmmmmmmmmm. but like seriously? that is so easy for her to say but even the thought of like being in the same room makes my stomach churn so like what? and it's like she forgets about my shit and i'm like well this hasn't quite gone away yet?? it probably won't go away?? unless medication actually works??? bleh. anyway, then i studied and now i'm making dinner at 10pm a+ me.

[djshrugslife]

going to bed??? at a reasonable time??? when i have to get up early tomorrow??? hahahahaa

[djshrugslife]

keep having flashbacks to edinburgh when all those drunk guys were outside belting wonderwall sigh those were the days

[djshrugslife]

wow so like it'd be really great if my skin didn't itch all the time and i know it's probably not real but this is crazy. and now i'm even like annoyed at myself for getting bandaids because i can't get at the places i itch the most (elbows, ankles, this one spot on my thumb, etc.) ANYWAY. this is a ridiculous thing to do but whatever.

[djshrugslife]

9/19

so today was uneventful. gotta stay in bed til 10 so that was a+. then actually had an okay phonetics class because we were all just joking around and kinda laughing at our professor because he's just ridiculous.

but then oh man so i went to do some reading and sat by the dining hall and there were a couple of 'nice guys' hanging around talking about how dumb white girls are and how global warming isn't a thing since we stopped using cfcs and one of them had a ponytail that he obviously didn't watch and then they were literally just quoting boondock saints for like 20 min. so that was annoying. then i went to note taking and the guy i take notes for didn't even come to class so i was like yeah okay cool and the ta was like wait you still have to take notes even though he's not here and i was like yeah i guess so and he was like man i wish i could just not show up to class but still have someone teach it.. but i guess that's your job right and i was like yep. but i think it resolved the question it seemed like a few people were thinking about which was why does she always leave right when the quiz starts?? because i always got such weird looks hahaha. anyway after note taking i sat around and did nothing because i'm cool and social but then it turned out y was like texting me asking to hang out but i didn't get them because my phone was on dnd so that was annoying. then i went to work and my friend from high school was there which was nice and everyone actually left before the floor closed which like never happens and i didn't have to bother anyone. then i got home where i figured no one would be because my roommates are social and actually have more than like 3 friends but b was there with her roommate from last year making brownies so that was nice. i hung out with them for a bit and then i ate like way too much food which is making me feel really terrible and ashamed right now but not too ashamed. anyway. then b's boyfriend came over, hung out with him a bit, then a came home and we all joked around. and it was really awkward because i had gotten bandaids and i was really excited about them so i was basically yelling about how excited i was that i wasn't going to be bleeding everywhere and i didn't realize people were still around but then they were and they were like what why are you bleeding everywhere. and i was like um and then i made like a joke about it or something because there's not really a good way of being like well when i'm stressed which is basically always i scratch at my skin til it bleeds?? anyway. and then i ended up third wheeling with b and her boyfriend so i was like nope and now i'm sitting here doing nothing.

and i got a lot of homework done at work but i didn't do any econ so i'm really mad at myself. but econ makes even less sense to me when i'm tired so there's not even a point in doing it now.

also, not really sure how to feel about the scottish referendum. i think it's a lot more practical for scotland to stay with the uk, but i think independence would have been cool too. and now all of the demonstrations and violence happening in glasgow, well that really sucks. anyway weird ending to this but yeah there it is. i think i'm going to sleep now.

[djshrugslife]

my fan rattles and shakes around so much i'm kinda afraid it's going to fall from the ceiling and like shred my legs or summat

[djshrugslife]

9-18 (2)

so yeah back from work. it's weird how work actually puts me into a good mood. like i was feeling pretty unhappy before i went but then i went to work and i have to basically act like a non-depressed functioning human being so yeah then i just feel better... but yeah i was feeling upset because i started to feel really nauseous again so i was just sitting around staring at the wall for awhile. and a was being such a pill and like in one of those moods where she's unhappy in that way where she wants you to ask her about it. but literally i know she's just unhappy about the same things she's been rambling on to me about for like 3 days straight. so that put me in a bad mood. then b came back and was like in too good of a mood which just made me feel worse. so yeah i left for work early because i couldn't physically be in that apt for any longer. 

i've also discovered this thing where when i'm feeling very strongly i start to overheat like crazy. and sometimes i don't even notice it but then i'm like changing my clothes and i've literally just sweat through my shirt. ANYWAY. not sure if that's a normal thing or just a my body reacting very strongly to my psychological state thing. 

so anyway i went to work and didn't do any of the homework i was planning to do which was kind of annoying. but i kinda figured out some options for study abroad and what courses/programs i can do which always kinda makes me feel good even if it stresses me out a bit. my master plan for study abroad was a bit messed up because i was going to study abroad in belgium next fall but the semester goes too long and i wouldn't be able to take the spring semester at my school which would be kind of an issue as i'd like to graduate on time please. but yeah that's enough of that. 

kinda reflected on my job today and how much i hate closing up because i have to go around and basically tell everyone the floor is closing and then basically bother people until they leave which is just terrible and it makes me so uncomfortable. also i feel like i'm completely awkward about it because i basically like go up to each person and am really quiet about it when i should just yell to everybody but i hate raising my voice so.... nah. and also there were these guys who would just not leave the study rooms so i had to keep knocking on their door and then i basically just had to wait outside the room and stare at them until they left. but they were nice about it at least and not jerks like some people.

anyway, talking to y now and probably going to watch some parks and rec bc what is sleep and yep good night

[djshrugslife]

that sweatshirt looks like they ordered it but forgot to make a design so they literally wrote the most boring thing in times new roman and sent it off

an apt description of my dept of ling sweatshirt by my arabic buddy

[djshrugslife]

9/18

yay for waking up at 7!!!!!!! went to micro... felt a little weird bc usually m and i leave at like the same time and i was like okay i'm going to say hi to him today but then i guess we left at different times so yeah i dunno... anyway in class i freaked out about my exam... then my professor was telling us about how apple has more money than they know what to do with kind of hence the free u2 album that everyone hates. then went to french which is always weird because i'm not really sure if my professor likes me or not... probably not because i never talk and my french is terrible. had a quiz and got out of class early so chilled with s before arabic. talked about how neither of us really want to be taking it now and study abroad. basically it turned into me talking about how shy i am and all that bullshit. then some other people from our class showed up and we stated our indifference to the arabic quiz, yolo was said a few times. went to arabic where we didn't really have a quiz at all?? so that was weird. it got deep when my professor was talking about how issues with his in-laws basically changed his whole relationship with his wife and how basically the spark was gone. like before it was all about love and that was the main motivation, but after that he felt obligated to his family by mainly ethical, traditional, religious, etc. values rather than love being the main motivation. and he was talking about how when you get older and see a couple in love walking down the street, you look down because you miss the days when you were like that and how you get jealous of two birds sitting together in a tree because they are happy. ANYWAY it led to this girl in my class basically bawling her eyes out and we all felt kinda uncomfortable and sad for my teacher. then we had our break where everyone was talking about my teacher and then s basically was just like freaking out about how much he loved the office for about 10 minutes straight. this girl from cmu in my class was saying that he really seemed to appreciate it, and s agreed, and she said that he should go find the writers and give them oral pleasure. so that escalated quickly but it was also funny as hell so yeah. went back to class, did some work, then left. and now i'm here. a came back to the apt a few min ago freaking out because she's sick and also she applied for two jobs and it seems like she might get one, but she hasn't heard anything from the other so angst because should she wait or not and also the job that she will probably get doesn't really work with her schedule now that she knows more about it so yeah. tried to give like logical advice but she kinda brushed it off and yeah. so probably just going to sit here for a few hours. woo.

[djshrugslife]

9/17 (2)

also did i mention that m has a game cube?? swoon

[djshrugslife]

9/17 (well technically 9/18)

woke up this morning and immediately wanted to go back to sleep bc yesterday i did a ton of studying for micro (for some reason) and didn't get to bed til late. had a bit of an outfit dilemma then where i basically just put on weird combinations of clothes until i finally was able to stop cringing at myself and obsessively snapchatting y. so after that bit of a weird morning i left the apt and headed out to class whoopdidoo. participated in phonetics pretty easily which is typically a tall order especially when i'm wearing actually nice clothes but i did it. then, went to work note-taking and learned more information that i will never need about how to get a job in chemical engineering. after, came home, did homework and also sat around with the door open with the futile hope that m would walk by and magically talk to me l o l . i feel insanely creepy whenever i sit around with the door open because that's literally the only reason why but i know it'll never happen because like we're not even friends? and he's not even friends with my roommates really? p a t h e t i c. then went to class again and i ended up walking behind this guy for like a good 5 min and i think he was creeped out and thought i was following him or something but the joke's on him because apparently we were just in the same class and yeah i would not be dedicated enough of a stalker to attend a class i'm not in just to stalk someone. ANYWAY. after class, what did i do... oh yeah, more homework and watched the mindy project because i am a cool cat. this girl who lives down the hall that i don't really know walked in because she thought my roommate's boyfriend was here but he was not so that was a bit awkward but she was nice and i didn't like act weird or anything so that was a plus. of course the acting weird didn't happen until later... when my roommate and her boyfriend did finally arrive, the girl came back and was working on calculus and she seemed really confused and i just knew that m was going to come over and i was like ohhhhh godddddd. and i just immediately felt nauseous which was intensely unpleasant. and then he actually got here and i was just sitting by the couch trying to focus on micro homework and he was just sitting there being like a normal person when meanwhile i was just freaking out. i kinda talked to him?? but it turned into him making this weird comment about how arts and sciences people hate stem majors and i was just like ehhhh and yeah. but he looked at me a couple of times which sounds really dumb but it made me pleased so yeah. but yeah i was like physically unable to talk to him because my anxiety about it just made me feel so sick that i felt like i was going to throw up which is always a good time. and yeah then he left and i just felt like an idiot for freaking out so much. like literally i was getting so sick and i was overheating so much but i couldn't take my sweatshirt off because i forgot to put a shirt on underneath which was ugh terrible but maybe that would pick up the bae eyyyyyyy wow what a dumb comment ANYWAY. then a came home and kept touching me and i was like please stop but she was treating it like a joke and i was like yo seriously and then she stopped but was still kind of joking about it which made me really annoyed. and then i showered and then after that i guess b's bf made a comment about how a and i (we were talking in my room) were wearing scandalous pajamas or summing like that and then i came out and was like waving my arms around and went 'omg so scandalous!!!' and people laughed but then i was like what the hell why did i do that. and yeah then i talked to y for awhile and i think this blog will be good because then i can just talk about m and not feel so self conscious about bothering people with it. UGH. still feeling sick from when m was here which is so dumb but yep... anyway i'm out because i have an 8 o'clock tomorrow and quizzes that i haven't studied for. 

but of course,

song of the day: heads cars bending by the 1975