a girl who loves jazz and cal counting

18

[forsakeneve]

Ed is not edying like it should be because why don't I feel guilty for eating over my limit. WHY IS MY LIMIT 1000CAL????? Why am I eating chocolate and candy bars all the time. Ugh

[dovethatcries]

Me rn I need help

[tooth-butter]

[dovethatcries]

Real

[dovethatcries]

I’ve let myself go SOO much this month it’s not even funny. I hate when you visibly see your weight gain

[dovethatcries]

Can’t wait to go to uni so I can have control over my diet and st⭐️ve

[dovethatcries]

tw: 4n0rexia rant

Hi guys.

I don’t know if anyone will see this or even read it, but I guess that’s the point of a blog - to record stuff about your life for your own sake, with the chance that someone might stumble upon it and find comfort through shared experiences.

I am so incredibly lost at the moment.

This mental illness has taken everything away from me, and I seriously cannot remember the last time I was truly happy.

I have the urge to recover, to find myself again, to rediscover what used to make me smile and laugh and gave me happiness, but I understand that I have always gotten that joy from good food, and eating without guilt, where I can enjoy moments with the people that I love.

This mindset has destroyed that entirely for me, and I’m balancing on the line of giving up and attempting ‘normality’ again, whatever that may be now.

But I just don’t think I can do it. When I eat what is considered a ‘normal’ about, the weight I gain from it does not make me happy, yet when I st⭐️ve myself, of course I still feel like shit.

So that leads me to the inevitable conclusion that it’s impossible for me to get out of this cycle, and my only other option is to punish myself.

I am not saying I do not support recovery, because I really do. It makes me so happy to see that there is light at the end of this horrific tunnel, and that so many people like myself can shine in that light and leave this darkness behind.

However I don’t think I can escape this dread whatsoever. I will always have a hatred for myself, whether it’s because of the way I look, or because I’m quite literally ruining my own life.

If there is anyone who would like to talk, please do not hesitate to reach out to me - I just want someone to talk to, someone who understands.

And as I always say to myself, after eating something I swore I wouldn’t eat:

I am trying again tomorrow.

I will keep trying until I am happy.

And I do not think I can find my old happy, so I will make myself a new one.

Thank you for reading, if you made it to the end.

[dovethatcries]

Todays dinner:

Mixed salad and spicy tuna rice cakes 🌶️

Didn’t finish the tuna as I was too full!

[dovethatcries]

When I TELL YOU GUYS this is the best snack for the summer

FROZEN ORANGES.

Makes me feel like I’m having a popsicle without the guilt and is so refreshing🧡🧡

[dovethatcries]

I WANT TO CRY IM ON MY GIRLS HOLIDAY AND ALL WE EAT IS CARBS IM GAINING SO MUCH WEIGHT I HATE WEARING BIKINIS PLEASE SAVE ME SOS

[dangeroustaintedflawed]

[dovethatcries]

SHES SO BEAUTIFUL

[dovethatcries]

Today’s treat for finishing my exams!!

Didn’t count the calories but I was okay with it because it’s fruit lol 🍋‍🟩🍉🍇🍒🍓

[dovethatcries]

Secured the goods💯💯💯

[she-whodreams]

Im back fellas

[dovethatcries]

guys I was gonna eat breakfast but then I remembered I could have a cold crisp sweet Diet Coke.

Guilt = avoided lol

[unknownn-girl]

you liked guns and roses

[newwavesylviaplath]

lana del rey in barcelona tonight!! (31/05/24)

U GUYSS THE HAIR HAS RETURNED AGHH!!!!

[dovethatcries]

My fav combo atm😍😍😍

[lotuscakke]

Ughhhh!! All of her unreleased songs are so goooood!! what a bummer.