He Who is High Above Thee

A blog for my NPD vents and journaling. I'm not your abuser, so don't cry to me about "Narc Abuse."

[draculian-accomplishments]

Call me Azriel.

My pronouns are He/Him, Hx/Hxm, Dae/Daem, Sin/Sins, ⚰️/⚰️s, and They/Them.

My titles are The Angel from The Grave, The Grave Keeper, His Blood-Splattered Dream, and The Corrupted Lord.

If you ever want to boost my ego, please use some neopronouns and titles.

Rentry link.

I do ask games too.

NPD Ask Game

Quirky NPD Ask Game

My vent tag is "Heaven is a lie"

I have NPD and BPD and I'm making this blog to help me find coping mechanisms to deal with it, as I'm recently diagnosed with NPD.

I'm what's known as a "Vulnerable Narcissist" and "Discouraged Borderline". My symptoms are covert, but very much existent and I struggle quite a bit. I'm very self-aware, but still struggle with making terrible decisions. I also have fluctuating empathy, where I can be the most empathetic person, and other times, be the most apathetic. There's rarely an in-between (and that doesn't make me an inherently bad person).

My narcissism is less focused on my appearance, rather my accomplishments (real or imagined). I can be quite a perfectionist, due to this. Hence my blog theme being Tzimisce from Vampire: The Masquerade, as I can shape my appearance however I want, yet my accomplishments stay the same.

I'm not your abuser. Just because your abuser was an asshole doesn't mean you can go onto any narcissist's blog and accuse them of "narcissistic abuse" (which isn't real). Hold the abuser accountable for what happened to you, not the disorder. If you associate everyone with NPD with your abuser, you're ableist.

That's all.

Credits

Tumblr Banner: Radioactiveblight (link)

Header Image: kgymz (link)

Blinkies: Malk-Vibes (link) Butchbidyke (link) Nadineross (link) Radiotrophicfungi (link)

Dividers: Baexywth (link)

Bottom Image: kgymz (link)

[draculian-accomplishments]

I had an anti-kink person reblog from me, so uh.

I'm pro-kink. I don't care what you say, I'm pro-kink and that will not change. I'm also pro sex work.

[draculian-accomplishments]

Not so friendly reminder, but fuck sysmeds. I support all system origins.

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Oh right. I forgot to not be a hypocrite and get of anon. But regardless, don’t make the claim you are a cult survivor without proof and then harass someone over a non-issue that they aren’t even doing! It’s pure IDIOCY!

This ^^^^

[draculian-accomplishments]

Survivors don't fucking owe you SHIT about their trauma, you ableists. Do you demand rape survivors give you proof that they went through rape? Do you demand CSA survivors give you proof that they went through CSA?

What fucking right do you have to ask someone to prove to you that they were abused to a severe extent?

Do you not recognize that some cult survivors do not have the fucking LUXURY to be open about their abuse or talk about the cults they grew up in? Because giving away that information CAN get them in worse situations?

If a cult survivor asks you to be sensitive to their trauma because you're MISUSING IT to such an extent that makes cults look like a silly joke, especially when cults are a growing problem, ESPECIALLY on this platform, you are an ENABLER of said abuse. You ableist fuck.

[hxmlock]

“if somebody becomes panicked when you accuse them of lying theyre obviously not telling the truth” shut up ugly im a survivor who got punished for shit i never did all the time of fucking course im gonna panic when im blamed for something i didnt do

[hxmlock]

since this post is actually getting attention rn i really want to emphasize this-

many of the “tells” of lying are traits commonly found in abuse survivors and mentally ill/disabled people.

stuttering, averting eye contact, panicking, raising your volume, fidgeting, and other similar traits are actions performed commonly by these groups, especially in situations of heavy stress- such as being accused of doing something we didnt do, especially if we are afraid of being punished for doing nothing.

im honestly begging people to think critically when accusing somebody of lying for small traits like these.

[sirenium]

‘If you didn’t do it then why are you getting defensive’ because I have a history of being punished for false accusations. Because it’s unjust that you didn’t believe me when I calmly denied your accusation the first time. Because I’m tired of repeatedly telling you the truth and you telling me it’s a lie.

[transvarmint]

"No one cares if women / transmascs / afab people wear pants and boy clothes!!!"

On my knees begging you to talk to people who grew up in religious fundamentalist communities and high control groups / cults

[in-depth-transsexualism]

When I was young my mother chased me through a store trying to force me into a dress. I had really wanted to wear a men’s suit. The “compromise” had to be a women’s pants suit because she insisted that a men’s suit would look terrible on me and wouldn’t fit my frame. My parents very much cared about me wearing “men’s clothing.” I can’t emphasize enough how fucking angry she was and the way she would grab my shirt and drag me with her to the women’s section. My dad was just as hateful if not more about it.

And I didn’t even grow up in a high control environment like OP is mentioning.

If you think like this way you don’t know/talk to enough GNC women/ transmasc people about their experiences.

[softness-and-shattering]

I didn't wear pants in public until I had left home and moved city, and it was still scary. I used to go shopping and try them on in the changing room, hoping nobody I knew would see me, knowing if I actually purchased a pair I could never leave the house in them), and that I had nowhere anyway to wear them completely away from people who might see and tell.

Some girl-presumed kids can wear whatever they like. Very much not all.

[the-haiku-bot]

Some girl-presumed kids

can wear whatever they like.

Very much not all.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[draculian-accomplishments]

My mother tried to force me to wear bikinis and shirts that showed off my breasts, despite my constant discomfort and tears. She wanted to show me off to her perverted old friends and boast about how well endowed her "daughter" (trans man) was. I could wear a shirt and pants, but she was insistent that I look feminine and show off my breasts.

So not every girl-presumed person can wear masculine clothing. Not without risking being horrifically punished.

[serial-unaliver-deactivated2024]

💀💀💀💀💀

[relelvance]

Wait why doesn't the narcissist have eyebrows

[aura-bug]

empathy is stored in the eyebrows and thats why we aint got none unfortunately

[pam00n]

Hiii if you're here to be annoying and ask me to put TWs for cartoon g0re of a show that shows uncensored g0re than pls just block me, your comfort is not my business and I do not care.

And don't you dare use your trauma on me to gain sympathy, you're a stranger who I've never met , it is not my business, I have my own mental health struggles and I rather keep it just be my own problems and not add some random stranger from the interwebs problems to mine.

And calling me ableist for it is absurd.(I'm literally professionally diagnosed that I'm on the spectrum ♾️🌈 :p)

My acc is not your safe space, it is MY safe space.

I can draw and post whatever I want (that includes cartoony g0re of a show that shows uncensored g0re ,and btw HH has no g0re TW at the beginning of episode 5 :p) and if you got a problem with that pls just scroll and block me , it's that simple.

Also.. using my anti radioapple post against me is stupid aswell, all I said I don't like the ship and it makes me uncomfortable, I didn't say 'don't interact'

I don't mind if RadioApple fans interact with me ,I can't stop 'em :p

I respect your ship ,I just personally don't like it and kinda over exaggerated my silly little post ^^

[draculian-accomplishments]

As someone with low empathy at best, your disorder is not an excuse to trigger trauma survivors, regardless of you being a trauma survivor yourself.

It is ableist to trigger someone, and it is ESPECIALLY ableist to trigger someone who has politely asked you to tag your shit, regardless of your status as a trauma survivor. Trauma Survivors can be ableist too.

I'm a professionally diagnosed Narcissist with autism and HC-DID (both also professionally diagnosed) who went through RAMCOA and I have low to no empathy due to that, and I still tag trigger warnings for things like Sexual Assault, CSA, Rape, animal death, etc, even if they don't bother me, personally. (Or at least, I try to. I am forgetful.)

If you cannot respect other people's boundaries, do not expect people to respect yours. Eye for an eye, and whatnot.

Tag your shit properly if you don't want people to ask you to tag shit.

The Internet is not your safe space.

[autopsyfreak]

‘i’m not demonising NPD, i’m talking about narcissistic traits’

so… symptoms of NPD.

do these ableist freaks not realise that narcissism and NPD are not separate things?

[draculian-accomplishments]

This.

I have a "Friend" who actively attacks someone with NPD and constantly uses "Narcissist" as an insult.

When I came clean about my diagnosis, they outright DOUBTED me because I "don't have narcissistic traits, therefore can't be a narcissist" (completely throwing out my NPD is very covert).

And when I got upset at them for using Narcissist as an insult, they straight up said "Oh, but I'm talking about ABUSIVE Narcissists, not ALL Narcissists, it just happens that MOST of them are abusive."

And I was so dumbfounded.

Yes, demonizing Narcissistic Traits absolutely fucks over narcissists, INCLUDING the majority that are just trying to live life without hurting people.

Narcissists should not have to worry about being MENTALLY ABUSED if they ever mention their diagnosis.

When you want to talk about ABUSE, use the word ABUSE.

When you want to talk about ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR, use the words ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

Stop demeaning narcissists, stop abusing narcissists, just STOP.

You people who use Narcissist/Narcissistic Behavior/Narcissistic Traits as an insult are the exact reason pwNPD don't get help/better.

[cyberatioum]

I'm so tired of seeing transmasc's suffering downplayed

[borrowmyshovel]

I naturally grow facial hair. I was pressured under threat of social ostracization into getting laser removal for it, which was painful and made me feel like shit. I was warned to not shave because it would make the hair grow thicker. The first time I shaved it myself was right before we were leaving for a family trip. It felt good to do it. But when he found out I'd done it, my father became furious. Screamed that i should go join the circus if i wanted to look like a freak. Non-stop screaming for several minutes. Dead silence the whole way in the car.

"Getting into trouble" is a childish phrase used to hide the very real suffering of trans men. Sounds much lighter than "got beaten up" "had all my shit taken away as punishment" "was forbidden from going outside". When that shit happened to me, I was already an adult. My father's authority over me was limited. He could still kick me out, and I'm lucky that it only remained a threat.

Trans men are pressured into keeping their hair long in a number of ways. Positive reinforcement: your hair is so nice, i love your hair, i wish i had hair like yours. It can be the only feature you ever get complimented on, while every other part of you is under constant scrutiny. Negative reinforcement: you'd look ugly with short hair, everyone will make fun of you, i will cry if you cut it. Reacting to a haircut as if you cut off an arm, until you have to say "don't worry, it'll grow back" - promising a return to femininity before you had the chance to fully take in being away from it. And that's just the words. Like it or not, trans men do get beaten up, institutionalised, and killed by their own family for defying traditional gender norms. It is not allyship to walk over their bodies and pretend they're not there.

[draculian-accomplishments]

As a Transmasc person, I vividly remember my parents refusing me to let me get the haircut I wanted. Like full on threatened to punish me if I ever got my hair cut like that. I decided to be rebellious and style my hair so it looked like I'd cut it the way I wanted and made it my profile picture.

They woke me up at 6am to make sure I hadn't cut my hair and threatened me.

Even where I live now, as an adult, I've been told if I cut my hair the way I've wanted since I was 13, I'd be disowned. I'd be kicked out.

I'm sorry, but transmascs experience abuse quite a bit more than a lot of people seem to think.

[creature-wizard]

Folks have got to understand that they probably aren't messed up by some Secret Big Trauma that they just can't remember; but rather by a million tiny microtraumas that they do mostly remember but don't even register as traumatic because nobody actually understood that these things would cause trauma, much less stack on each other over the years.

[xpxssxm]

Whether you're carrying one big rock or a big ol' bucket of sand, it's going to weigh on you just as much.

[ramshacklefey]

This is why psychologists have started taking more of an interest in CPTSD in the last 10-15 years. What most people know as PTSD is a response to a single, intensely traumatic event (or even a series of events). However, CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder) is caused by living for years in a situation where your nervous system cannot catch a break. Even if nothing huge ever happened to you, you always had to be on guard for a thousand little things that could and did happen.

After years and years of this, your nervous system gets "stuck" in an activated threat response. It never really lets you rest, and if this started when you were a kid, you may not develop a lot of neural pathways that you should have, because your brain was too focused on keeping you safe to bother with little things like "genuine human connection" and "interpersonal attachment."

[naamahdarling]

No lie, Complex PTSD/CPTSD is HUGE.

If you are disabled, if you are queer, if you are chronically ill, if you are the survivor of a toxic but not abusive relationship, if you grew up or lived under the threat of harm but no "actual" harm (or "very little" harm) was done, you may have CPTSD that isn't getting caught because CPTSD looks different from PTSD.

[spooniestrong]

[universallygiantwagonhumanoid-d]

There'll be a post like, "ableism is bad" and all the comments will be "yeah! Ableists are all sociopaths and narcissists!" "Ableists all live in their moms basements and don't contribute anything to society!"

[cringefailroboguy]

The responses to saying how "narcissistic abuse" is an ableist term will always be so insane bc it's always like

"you will never understand the abuse we went through"

My brother in Christ, why do you think I have a personality disorder?

[mentallyillanimal-deactivated20]

reminder to everyone who follows me that personality disorders are caused by childhood trauma

[strudelapfel]

NPD is never being good enough.

NPD is being isolated from everybody else.

NPD is knowing you will never form connections to people like egotypicals do.

NPD is never being authentic.

NPD is feeling empty inside.

NPD is constant paranoia and the sickening feeling of thinking everyone is going to sabotage you.

NPD is constant distrust.

NPD is self hatred.

NPD is feeling sick when others succeed.

NPD is knowing love will never be enough for you, you need obsession, devotion, to be the most important person, to be the air they breathe, to be worshipped but knowing they will probably never be that to you.

NPD is needing control.

NPD is constantly feeling underestimated and belittled.

NPD is having to be admired by everyone.

NPD is the want to be feared and respected.

NPD is never feeling satisfied.

NPD is competing with socially assertive people and getting unbearably angry at them for purposefully stealing your spotlight.

NPD is nobody understanding your struggles irl.

[solitaryschizoid]

victim of severe childhood abuse: the trauma made me depressed and hypervigilant

mental health allies: you are so valid and I feel so sorry for you

victim of severe childhood abuse: the trauma made me lose the ability to feel empathy

mental health allies: YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND EVIL I HOPE YOU DIE!!!!!

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

not a culture ask, but i figured y'all would like to see + make fun of this.

this was someone's affirmations to "get rid of narcissists". pretty sure they're just in denial themselves

the complete lack of self awareness is like. almost impressive

[draculian-accomplishments]

Yikes