Hey I haven’t been here in a LOOOONG time, but I need somewhere to just vent where there isn’t really much chance of a pity party or me freaking out some people.
It’s just, really fucking hard right now. This year has ducking sucked, hell most of my life sucks. Some of these are my own fault, some are no ones. Imma just list shit and bare my feelings cos like I need to get things off my chest.
The year started and I was working my ass off, then I got run off the road riding an EScooter and broke my hand, I was able to get 2 days off then back to work I went, I got punched by a customer that was beating the shit out of another customer when I intervened (With my broken hand btw) then I got sick, then my friend died, then I didn’t get to properly celebrate my 30th birthday with my friends cause they all had these plans come up, so I only really had 2 friends actually like celebrate with me (which hey better than my 19th or 22nd birthday when no one came to my party’s right?) then I worked for like 40 days straight then my grandma died, and hey straight off to the Gold Coast whilst my Dad, Aung and Uncle all fought over the Fucked up shit my Uncle did that came to light. Then work got busy and I still couldn’t get time off, even now it’s just a constant fucking fight to have an hour to myself, then dating opht.
So I’m 30, and despite all the different ways I have tried I just cannot succeed at any version of the partners/dating/boyfriend/girlfriend game. I’ve gone to bars, clubs, out with friends, out alone, OkCupid, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Feeld and a slew of other apps. Paid for some of them at some point just to see and try but have come up empty. I’ve gotten dates! Not a lot of them, and even less second ones. I’ve never had a third. It fucking sucks. NOTE I don’t blame anyone for this, no one owes me a date or anything if the sort, and the only common factor to these dates is me so it’s obviously something I fuck up. But damn does it hurt. I bloomed late, got comfy with being bi, but just can’t get out of the gate.
And it’s just, the older I get the more I run into the question on these sites “Would you date someone who has never had a relationship?” And Goddamn does it hurt to see more and more people in the pool of people I could date answer more and more “No” to that every year. Again no one owes me anything but like I think I’m allowed to feel sadness that people won’t even give me a chance because of that, can’t I?
Then there’s the whole gender thing. Like the more and more that time goes on the more and more convinced I become that in probably a Trans woman, but then I still have those days that I feel like Andrew again. And then I see all the stuff that Andrew did and does and I don’t think Andi fits into those spaces or with those people even though all of me loves those spaces. Hell even work doesn’t seem like it will be ok to do there. And it just adds to this feeling of defeat that seems to be my daily life now.
I lost all this weight back in 2014/2015 and then I just slowly put it all back on again because I just lost interest in it and now every time I try to start again it feels like it just can’t happen and then that makes me give up even faster.
And I know I KNOW that I’m depressed and that actually going to see a therapist or a counselled or a psychiatrist would help but I literally cannot afford one, and I can’t find one that will take me and actually have me at an office cos I know I can’t do it online, at my apartment where I just want to let go and hide away.
Hell even work sucks for all of these reasons, I keep wanting to go do stuff and have me time, go to events and party’s that I know people at and where I know I can find some release and relief and just some fleeting happiness yet I just can’t get away from there for even 2 hours, having to cover peoples shifts because they’re sick when I’m also sick and it’s just ARGH.
I just don’t know what to do at this point, how to get out of this hole and all I can do is keep walking up this steep path, trudging along whilst finding the bodies of friends who couldn’t fight more, trying to take them with me even though they’re gone, whist some asshole keeps putting more and more arrows of shit into my back, so much that I just have to keep walking though, and just yeah
Look if you read all this thanks, again I don’t want any pity or anything I just needed somewhere to vent to just I dunno put out into the world and see if the universe will just give me a tiny break somewhere. So hopefully it does. I’ll be ok, I’m always ok, every now and then I just need to like pull out those arrows I mentioned so I can keep going so yeah thanks
