MANDATORY CREW INOCULATION - URGENT
ATTENTION CREW OF USS ADLER
Due to the polysporic, polybacterico and polyviral environments of deep space, filthy spaceports, etc., all crew are required to be vaccinated against various forms of injurious, debilitatory, or infectious disease. Anyone else understand that? No? Me neither.
For convenience, I have baked these inoculations into butter cream cookies laced with drug SPL214 TASTY TASTY MARMALADE.
Please report to crew room for delicious inoculations!
XOXO ALL HAIL SATAN
Dr. J. Kylie T. T. Black Crow Medical Officer, Starfleet Command, USS Adler Member, SOFMSFG&S
Attn: Chief Medical Officer
Brief memo. I, ah, suspect that the crew may have more confidence in eating drug-laced delicious concoctions were you to pretend to go by protocol in regard to full disclosure of purpose. That does mean explaining terms if they are not understood. And seeking captain’s assistance if there…are…terms you may not…
Who are we kidding, no one is really going to care other than the higher-ups checking protocol, for which could you please refrain from specifying gaps in knowledge and also please remember that we do have some members aboard (well, one) who are allergic to citrus. Can you manage the, er, the special ingredient, in tea perhaps?
Ekoh
Captain:
Don’t worry, reports to higher-ups are all sanitized for your our my convenience / CYA. Speaking of crew records, I don’t actually have them. Could you please fire the crew and only rehire them if they provide me with a detailed medical history including saucy bits? Other ways of acquiring records aren’t as good at ensuring compliance.
XOXO HAIL SATAN
Dr. Black Crow
PS: For the marmalade-allergic hand, I infused your dose into Vegemite. Good luck with that.
Doctor,
Now I’m tasking you with finding some way to get that to the First Officer directly for even thinking of Vegemite, I am professionally obligated not to make judgments of others’ tastes but Rear Admiral Dr. Grace Hopper, really? Vegemite? You just want to watch me harass them into sickbay.
Vegemite.
I could go ahead and fire accordingly, but I worry some individuals (Engineering for example) would choose to stow away and tool around, and then it would be even harder to get anyone to follow orders, so…no.
I’ll find something to persuade. Reassurance of acceptance of any and all conditions as listed in files. Reminder of confidentiality and appropriate use. Which might be easier if you were not asking for porn. Can we make that bit optional? We’ll make that bit optional, maybe it will help. I’m sure there are regulations for solicitation of that kind of material. Call it an optional study and at least set some parameters for collection of data or something.
One day I’m pretty sure you’re going to get me booted.
Ekoh
Captain Ekoh,
The First Officer can report to sick bay for intraocular injection of inoculation compound. Intrapupilar response is predicted to be almost as effective as marmalade ingestion. Sexual contact history is in NO WAY OPTIONAL. Contact, particularly interspecies contact, is incredibly important when assessing crew's overall health. Latent STDs, cross-species bacterioses, sperm-vs-host immune responses, etc etc. Even human-human contact can generate long-term illnesses such as neurosyphilis if left untreated. I will make that point clear to the crew in "appropriate" ways. Detailed histories save lives.
The POPCORN, however, IS optional. Don't worry, though. I enjoy popcorn.
XOXO satan etc.
DocBlackCrow