If not today . . .

Creative introspective dreamer. lover of life, procrastinator of all that is. Looking for a place to be me.

[dreamer4life7706]

[remanence-of-love]

[dreamer4life7706]

Midnight Snack

As life spirals out if control, I find a new way to deal with the chaos that ensues. I lay in bed and feel my heart thumping through my stomache; soon enough my insides begin to knot and gurgle in agony. Maintaining the urge to eat comes naturally. With the flick of a lighter and a deep inhale, I know that the hunger will soon subside. As I sit I cannot help but begin to pinch the fat around my hips, disapointed at what still remains. I poke at my ribs, and wrap my fingers around my wrists, satisfied with the results. Determination sets in, I will not give up. Life may not be living up to expectations, but this is something that will go as planned.

[remanence-of-love]

[melodyofthesiren]

“You know behind this strong mask I am just a girl. A girl who is broken. A girl who is trying to get her life together. I try to get over it and pretend that everything is fine and I am there for all and I am happy, bubbly and ;wow life is great; live it, travel, dance, sing, laugh, smile,’ but a soul other than my own needs to heal the cracks. I need a desire to love fearlessly without losing myself. A love worth the effort, the trust needed not to loose myself again. I am just a lost girl waiting to be found again.”

— (via wnq-writers)

[pain-of-unrequitedlove]

“silly girl, you bled for him, didn’t you? grew out your hair, shrunk down your waist, let him fuck you with the lights off and paint his name in blood onto your back. silly girl, forgive yourself for the bad dates, for saying yes, for meaning no, for the diets, the discounted liquor, the makeup you painted onto your face like camouflage. your dreams were made for the dark, they bloom and grow inside of you. your womb, a greenhouse. your hands, wind. you were in love except he didn’t love you, but you tried, didn’t you? silly girl, you are not the most reliable narrator. all those nights you waited up to hear from him, phone poised in your hand like a gun. you’ve always loved things that were the worst for you: trans fat, sweet tea, Black Friday sales, boys whose hands feel like triggers. you’ll grow out of it, or you won’t, and you’ll forget to delete the voicemails, the emojis you sent when you couldn’t express yourself in words. just look at the quiet shipwreck of you. it was always about the drowning, and you never learned to swim.”

— Kristina Haynes, “Silly Girl” (via fleurishes)

[writingsforwinter]

How to Love the Girl from the Psychiatric Ward

Don’t touch the torn wrist, the matted hair, the solemn eyes.

Don’t handle her like the paper doll you pinned

to the bedroom doorway when you were ten.

Hide the scissors, the tulip bulbs, the claw hammers.

Make sure the moon is close enough to her window

to touch with the tip of her finger;

keep the deer away from the walls.

Forgive her curses and howled lullabies,

her three too many ribs, the way she flinches beneath you

when the power cuts out.

Don’t let the meat spoil,

the mangoes rot, the wine go missing.

Try to forgive the boy with the lost eye

and his heavy fists,

the way part of her still loves him,

the empty part, the confused part.

The mistaken part.

Remember

to appreciate her disaster.

[gxxrr]

“…when you deny your feelings of anger, you are also denying your true source of power, a source that says, "I deserve to be happy, successful, and loved.”

[dreamer4life7706]

Change

Today marks a day of big changes for my family. Alaina now has a "big sister" living in our house, while I have a teenager looking up to me for guidance, mentorship and so much more. I am excited, yet nervous.

I am so greatful for the years of mentoring experience I've had with college students and elementary aged children, can't wait to embark on this new path that God has led our family down.

I never would have thought my prayers would have led me to this exact situation, but this is where I am, and for that I am thankful and eager to journey forward.

[dreamer4life7706]

No Escape

Hell is coming,

I lie awake,

Knowing there is no escape.

My head pounds,

as the rage flows,

growing stronger by the minute

Anger turns to resentment,

and my chest aches,

warm tears trickle down my face.

[dreamer4life7706]

This change, He won't contain, Slip away, To clear your mind, When asked, Who made it show (who made it show), The truth, He gives into most

[remanence-of-love]

“The harsh reality is ; I will never stop loving you. I still love you. I will always love you. I just learned how to survive without you.”

— Remnants//Conee Berdera

[dreamer4life7706]

Found

Found this multiple sources online. Its like someone grabbed the words right from my mouth.

The teardrops run down

And fall off her nose

She cries in dark corners were

nobody goes.

You can follow her tracks

from her eyes to her chin,

Years upon years of letting them win.

And her eyes tell a story

of anger and pain.

You think that’s she’s happy

but just look again.

And the scars in her past

hidden under her clothes

are a roadmap to places that nobody knows.

Her smile is now painted,

shes a master of disguise,

And you can see it all

just look into her eyes.

[dreamer4life7706]

The betrayal is real, its worse when you forgive only for it to happen again later on.

What’s worse not forgiving and wondering if it could have worked, or forgiving only to waste more years of life built of lies.

[sheismysquishy]

Do you ever just lay in bed and realize how not okay you are

[remanence-of-love]

[dreamer4life7706]

This pretty much sums me up. Extremely extroverted, bubbly, and happy on the outside, always trying to be cheerful to others. Very few people know what I truelly do feel like or have felt in the past. That's a part I keep buried deep inside, and rarely give anyone the chance to see. I would rather spread cheer and love by day, and keep my dark side to myself. The few times I have fully let others see all of me, it ended with lots of pain on both sides. No one wants to see a sad person, so as the saying goes "fake it till you make it"